June 23rd, 2006 by GoldenAppleCorp
This is another “GAC’s family sucks” post, so if you’re not interested, keep on scrolling…
*sigh* My brother. 40 years old. Living with my parents. Also living with my parents: his 26 year old girlfriend.
He works a factory/installation type job, bringing in $350/week according to my dad. Which my parents haven’t seen a dime of. He buys 40s, cigarettes and horrible dvds, but doesn’t cough up money for rent or food. He’s not saving any of this money, either. Where is it going? My guess is up his nose. My parents just bought him a new cell phone, even though they recently had to pay a $700 cell phone bill for him. He doesn’t have a car, or driver’s license (recently revoked for god knows what), so my dad has to wake up at 6 am to drive him to work every day.
His girlfriend doesn’t work. She doesn’t talk, either. My grandmother tries to make small-talk with her, and she will pointedly look away and ignore my grandmother. My grandmother is on some serious pills for schizophrenia and anxiety (I wonder sometimes how she keeps from drooling) and is easily upset by girlfriend. So upset that she went to stay with my aunt. Girlfriend has said all of 10 words to me, which I practically had to pry out of her. She has two children, around the ages of my own, but she doesn’t have custody of them.
One time her kids came to visit her at my parents house, and $120 went missing from my mom’s room. They aren’t allowed over there again.
In the same breath, my mom will bitch about how girlfriend and brother eat all her food and drink all their liquor and then make excuses, saying “Well, she does clean around the house a lot.” When I go shopping with my mom (which is rare), we have to invite girlfriend so as not to hurt her feelings. Girlfriend always comes, never buys anything, never talks to us and never thanks us for taking her out.
My parents are suckers. I think that’s what it basically boils down to. My parents think it would be a mortal sin to not help out their kids when they’re in trouble. The problem is, my siblings never learn. They’re always in trouble. My brother is/has been an alcoholic, may or may not be on drugs (mom recently mentioned that she’s missing some of her perscription narcotics), is in and out of jail and/or prison, is a know-it-all despite not knowing anything, and is one of the most unappreciative people I’ve ever known.
If he were your child, would you pamper him? I’ve asked myself that. Should my children turn out like my brother or sister, would I humor them? Would I loan them hundreds of dollars, knowing deep down I’d never see it again? Would I put them up in my house even though they’ve stolen my things in the past and sold them, like my brother sold my mom’s car while she was on vacation?
I don’t think I would. I know AT wouldn’t. But at what point do you give up on your kids?
June 23rd, 2006 at 1:25 pm
“My parents are suckers.”
Well, more importantly, they’re enablers.
I don’t think you ever “give up” on your kids. I do think there is a point at which you expect them to stand on their own two feet. For my daughter, it will be when she finishes college.
June 23rd, 2006 at 2:03 pm
Yeah, they’re absolutely enablers. They enable AT and I, too, but we don’t take advantage of them the way my bro and sis do.
So, if your daughter falls on hard times after college, it’s “Sorry, hon, but daddy has rules”? Does it depend on the type of hard times? Poor job market vs. laziness?
June 23rd, 2006 at 2:56 pm
If she had some kind of job and was living at home, she’d pay some amount of rent. If she wants to live with a boyfriend, that’s fine, but if both of them live in my house and eat my food, both pay.
I wouldn’t pay for her cell phone. As it is, she doesn’t have her own car and I have no intention of buying her one (nobody bought me a car, and I turned out OK).
If it was very temporary, I would shelter and feed her if she lost her job. Long-term, I believe healthy, able-bodied adults should support themselves. No exceptions.
June 23rd, 2006 at 4:26 pm
Right on man. I’d also make their stay at my house increasingly uncomfortable.
June 23rd, 2006 at 4:41 pm
i bet nudist parents don’t have this problem
June 23rd, 2006 at 4:48 pm
Yeah, they probably have a whole set of other problems.
June 23rd, 2006 at 5:23 pm
One word for nudist parents: vinyl. Seriously.
Talc would also be a good word, especially on days when it’s 90+ degrees.
But yeah, Joel, I think my style of parenting (for adult kids, at least) closely matches yours.
My parents had me so late compared to my sibs (I’m 12 years younger than my next-oldest) that their parenting style changed with me. Spankings galore for them, time-outs for me. Although I was such a goody-goodie that I very rarely got in trouble. I think I was treated more like a grandchild to a large extent. Also, my parents were relatively poor when raising my sibs, so I was spoiled in comparison. Bro and sis still hold that against me, even though it wasn’t my fault.
June 23rd, 2006 at 9:01 pm
Not to put too fine a point on it, GAC, but . . .
40 years old?
Look, the best research on addiction shows that sheltering addicts is aiding and abetting the addiction. You intimate a drug issue. If my child had drug issues (and alcohol is a drug), my sympathies dictate that the best thing to do is let them work it out on their own.
I’m not saying its easy. Doing the right thing is often not easy. But doing the right thing is best.
I wish the best for you and your folks.