Honesty: Really the best policy?
July 1st, 2006 by GoldenAppleCorp
Last night AT and I dropped the kids off at my parents’ house to spend the night. We decided we’d like to have a little something to eat somewhere we’ve never been before. So we headed out toward Turkey Creek.
After cruising for a while, we decided on Mimi’s Cafe. A large, attractive yellow building with some nicely manicured flowerbeds and bushes out front, it seemed a quaint place to go. Once we sat down with the menu, we realized it was a little pricier than we had thougt. I don’t expect cafes to have $15 entrees, but perhaps I’m just an under-educated country girl.
I ordered pork chops and AT got the chicken pot pie. We waited for what seemed an eternity, sipping on water disguised as sweet tea. When the food came, I was impressed. It looked beautiful. I had two large pork chops, on the bone, with a colorful veggie medley and backed potato. Jake’s pot pie had a beautiful glossy crust on top. We dug in.
And were completely let down. Everything that should have been juicy and tender was dry and flavorless. Instead of being creamy, the pot pie was yellow-colored broth with big hunks of bland, boiled chicken.
The waitress did the usual checking in on us, refilling our water/tea and asking how everything was. “Fine, fine” we said, out of habit. Then we talked amongst ourselves about why people say things they don’t mean. Wouldn’t the world be a better place if people were honest about things?
A few minutes later, a female manager came by to ask how everything was. We were honest. She became very concerned and offered to box up my left-overs for me. As she was walking away, she stopped her boss and told him what we’d said. He came over, quite concerned and apologetic. He offered to replace our food. We pointed out that we were already done. He looked at what was left of AT’s pie and assured us that it was absolutely not up to their standards and he would have a talk with the cooks immediately.
Then he said our meal was on the house. AT told him that it wasn’t necessary, we had eaten and were full. He said it would give him a clear concious and that he insisted.
We left the restaraunt feeling empowered. We had broken character and had been open and honest about something and had been rewarded. Would this newfound honesty work for everything? Are there times when it pays to lie?
We decided that from now on, we’re going to try to be honest people. But we have to define our honesty. Will we be honest to the point of rudeness? If we know someone’s feelings may be hurt? How honest can a person be?
I’ve always tried to avoid situations that called for an honest opinion. In that regard, I’ve been a wishy-washy person. How different would my life be now if I spoke my mind when I was younger? Would I have been more respected, perhaps even, dare I say it, popular?
How different would the world be if we all just dispensed with the mindless pleasantries, the hiding of feelings? Are you willing to be honest with us?
July 1st, 2006 at 2:03 pm
This is a tough and risky issue, GAC. It’s one that I feel I often fall short of where I ought to be. Thanks for bringing this up.
I think you’re right to say that your honesty has to be “defined.” It’s a great ideal, but when you get right down to it how do you go about being an honest person? It’s helpful to me to view honesty as a means to an end. What I mean there is that honesty is an attribute of the kind of person I want to be. There are other attributes that go along with honesty, one of which is politeness. I think there’s always a polite way to be honest so that honesty isn’t synonymous with rudeness.
July 1st, 2006 at 8:50 pm
Well, I think honest and rudeness are two kinda different things, like air pressure and verbs. They can work together, or not. If you’re an ass, you can still be an ass and be honest. If you’re a generally polite person, you can still be honest and polite.
Where the line is depends on you, I suppose. I might be a inproper, inappropriate kind of person, but I won’t be called an impolite person. I have drilled politeness into my children (not just pleases and thank yous, but opening doors, etc), and have seen them complimented for it. Well, mostly MastaG, Pigpen hits the pleases and thanks, but getting him past that is like herding cats).
For me, the honesty thing started a few months ago, when I started thinking about all the dumb things we do without thinking of it. Somebody offers cookies, you don’t want them, you say “No thanks, I just ate” or “No thanks, I’m diabetic”, instead of just saying “No thanks”.
Or “How are you?” when passing somebody in the hall. You don’t care how they are, and if they stop to tell you, it’ll keep you from getting to the bathroom, or the copying machine, or the fried food, or whatever. Why ask? So I’ve been trying to stop asking it, and man, that shit is ingrained. I’ll do a “Hello” and a friendly smile and nod, but not more than that.
Sure, asking “Hows it going” doesn’t hurt anything, but neither does not doing it. So why not take the path of least resistance?
July 1st, 2006 at 10:14 pm
I generally say “Hi, good ‘mornin’ ” if it’s before noon.
But “Hi, howyandoon ” is like “God bless you” (or its secular counterpart, “bless you”). We don’t really give a damn whether “God” blesses you on the occasion of this violent release of breath. It’s a ritual.
Like the Sunday Haiku (hint).
July 1st, 2006 at 10:53 pm
Written, and scheduled for 9:42 AM EST. Prepare yourself.
July 2nd, 2006 at 10:40 am
I guess what I’m more concerned with is this: someone asks a very pointed question which, if answered truthfully, would run the risk of hurting feelings or burning bridges. Such as, I have classes with a couple of people whom I CANNOT STAND. I mean, I have daydreams about killing them in various violent and creative ways. If one of them were to come up to me one day and ask me directly if I had a problem with them… do I answer honestly and run the risk of having my ass kicked, or at the least, being ostracized by them and their friends? Or do I politely (and untruthfully) back out of the situation?
It’s one thing to be honest with someone you can’t see (phone, internet) or don’t know (waiter, salesperson) and to be honest with someone you see every day.
July 2nd, 2006 at 11:17 am
In that case, I lie all the time: to my family, to my friends, to my co-workers, and to strangers. I’m lied to all the time, too. But most of the time, the lies are unimportant and/or are a means to more important end. Truthfully, I’m not always sure I’m interested in the truth about some things and some people. But I do believe you shouldn’t ask questions you don’t want to know the answer to.
July 2nd, 2006 at 1:24 pm
I think you have to trust that the other person is adult enough (mature?) to handle what you have to say about them. You don’t have control of any situation to the extent that you may dictate its outcome. That’s part of what’s risky about honesty. You give up control when you put forward your personal feelings, or opinions. So, let them have it up side the head. If it hurts their feelings, they’ll get over it eventually.
I also think that in the above comment, GAC, you’ve framed the question such that their can be no positive outcome. In your senario the person asks “directly if I had a problem with them.” You’ve created a straw man there that assumes the only honest response is one that is significanlty negative. Your pain in the ass could also just as easily ask, “how have I done on such and such w/ this project.” Then you could give a more positive, but still yet honest answer.
July 3rd, 2006 at 9:23 am
I may have created a straw man, Bos, but my point still stands. I’m often asked questions where, if I answer honestly, I’m bound to upset someone. Sometimes there’s just not a polite way out.
It’s just going to be hard for me not to fall back on old habits and worm my way out of honest opportunities.
July 3rd, 2006 at 2:34 pm
I was truly “honest” in my blog once upon a time, and it got me death threats.
From “friends.”
Honesty sucks, mostly. A thin glaze of dishonesty (white lies, softening criticism, etc) is usually necessary for most day-to-day conversational happenings. :-\
July 3rd, 2006 at 3:58 pm
[…] I think this is a very interesting post and question. […]
July 3rd, 2006 at 8:06 pm
Yeah, Evan, but I bet you could have taken them…
July 4th, 2006 at 12:20 am
I still think this brings us right back to what you said about defining honesty. Honesty is a means to an end. It’s an attribute. It’s a practice. You’re exactly right mention “old habits”. This is all about learning new habits. So, the question I’d ask is, why do you want to be honest? It won’t necessarily win you friends. What will honesty get you in the end?
Politeness has more to do with the sort of person I want to be. Perhaps polite isn’t the best word. I mean, more so, a way of speaking. I can’t control how another person will react to my words, but I can control how I speak. I’d say we have to learn new habits of speaking. A different, bigger vocabulary. George Orwell talked somewhere about how fascist governments dumb down the vocab. That’s important somehow, or other.
July 4th, 2006 at 11:34 am
http://www.rd.com/content/openContent.do?contentId=27424
Speaking of politeness, there’s a quiz on Reader’s Digest. The only problem is that it’s obvious which answer is “right”.
As far as what honesty will do for me… I’m really not sure. I’ve not been all that honest in the past. Being honest will probably keep me out of situations I’d rather not be in… such as someone asking if I’d like to do something with them, or if I would mind doing a favor, being honest and saying “No, I’d rather not, but thanks” will save me a lot of hassle, and a lot of resentment, both toward myself for being a sissy, and for the asker, for getting me to do something I didn’t want to. That’s a really long sentence.
I fully support increasing vocabulary. I’d really like one of those Word a Day calendars. I’d need something with good pronunciation guides, though. I’m bad about learning a new word and then mucking it up completely in conversation.
July 4th, 2006 at 12:48 pm
You’re also bad about making fun of people for committing that transgression. Just like Joel is bad about sniping people for mispeling words. Did that on purpose.
Back on subject, I want to do the honesty push because I think its right, for the same reason that people who are strict vegetarians are right, in their eyes. I think a lot of you guys are concerned about being OPEN and honest, rather than just being honest. Being open and honest would mean if I think you smell bad, I’d be like “dude, you stink”. What I’d do, by my thinking, is just move upwind. Now if you ask me “AT, do I stink?” I’d say “Yeah, you smell”. I’d appreciate that sort of honesty if I asked somebody that same question.
Or somebody asks me “How’d you like my dinner”. What good is telling them it was great if it wasn’t? Thank em for cooking, tell them it wasn’t to your taste. Should they be offended? If they are, then they were looking for offense.
I don’t intend to define it for everybody, I think honesty, as principal, goes as far as you’re willing to take it. What I’m stopping are the casual lies that Evan was saying he likes, because they just don’t mean anything to me. I’m not interested in being party to that.
July 4th, 2006 at 1:52 pm
“Somebody asks me “How’d you like my dinnerâ€. What good is telling them it was great if it wasn’t? Thank em for cooking, tell them it wasn’t to your taste. Should they be offended? If they are, then they were looking for offense.”
True enough.
July 4th, 2006 at 1:54 pm
” . . .I think honesty, as principal, goes as far as you’re willing to take it.”
principle
July 4th, 2006 at 2:22 pm
What was I JUST saying? You and GAC have to be related somewhere.
July 4th, 2006 at 3:44 pm
I usually try to blend into the furniture and create no fuss (my children do that for me). At a restaurant recently, I did complain that something was wrong with the tea. I didn’t say it, but I thought that they should scrub the equipment before someone became ill. The waitress TOLD me the tea was fine but offered to SELL me a soda. At the end of our meal, other complaining patrons finally alerted the manager, who investigated and discovered the tea had coffee grounds in it. The waitress told us like it was funny. I think she should have removed the price of the tea that we didn’t drink from our bill, but she didn’t.
July 4th, 2006 at 3:47 pm
See, yeah, thats what I’m talking about. That kinda stuff is what common courtesy tells you to do, buy why should that courtesy cost you the price of a cup of tea? Granted, in a situation like that you’d just about have to become difficult.
Sucks.
July 5th, 2006 at 11:11 am
Cathy, normally I like to blend in with furniture, too, but I think in the case you mentioned, I would have raised a stink. I would have demanded the tea be taken off, and if she bitched about it, she’d be finding herself tipless.
We recently had a crappy meal at Aubrey’s in Farragut which we didn’t complain about. I guess the waiter could tell we weren’t happy, though, since he didn’t charge us for any of our drinks, which included two beers, two teas and two kids’ drinks.