July 22nd, 2006 by GoldenAppleCorp
We decided to splurge today and take the kids to the theater. I took MastaG to see Pirates of the Caribbean 2 while AT took Pigpen to see Cars. Both movies were a big success, entertaining children and adults alike.
And once again I was reminded about how much I hate people. There are certain characters that can be found at every movie theater in America. I’m gonna break it down for you folks.
The Talker: Everyone knows this asshole. There’s not much to say about him, other than we all hate him. Bastard.
The Reader:Â This one is usually found only at foreign movies where subtitles are used, but if you stick around for the credits, you may encounter the Reader at any film, performing a running dialogue of make-up artists’ names and song titles.
The Explainer: The Explainer is usually found in kids’ movies. They assume that the child (or any person within hearing distance) is too stupid to understand what the hell they’re watching.
That One Guy who Wears Too Much Cologne: Easy to sniff out and avoid, unless he gets there after you and traps you in your seat. Beware his stench.
The Laugher: Usually a dumpy woman in her mid-40’s, the Laugher finds everything funny. While I’m sure that’s good for her blood pressure, it does shit all for mine.
The Late Asshole:Â Some people cheat the system and time their entrance to avoid those pesky commercials and sometimes irritating previews, but the true Late Asshole wanders in well after the movie has actually started, and usually picks a seat right next to you.
The Parent Who Couldn’t be Arsed to Get a Babysitter: Easily one of the most hated of all movie-goers, TPWCBATGAB constantly interupts the flow of the movie by taking their child in and out of the theater, threatening, cajoling, or ignoring their fussy baby or small child. A swift kick to the nuts (or ovaries) is heartily advised, to ensure they do not have more children with which to interrupt future movie-going experiences.
The Parent with the Kid Who’s Way Too Young to See This Movie: This isn’t to be confused with The Parent Who Couldn’t be Arsed to Get a Babysitter. The PWTKWWTYTSTM takes youngsters to extremely gory, scary and violent movies and then ignores the child as it wails and begs to leave.
The Schmuck with the Phone:Â TURN IT OFF, YOU SELFISH PRICK!
The Litterer:Â While not really a nuisance to the average movie-goer, the Litterer is the one responsible for the sticky floor and the half-empty tub of popcorn you step in on your way out.
The Mouth-Breather:Â Usually sitting beside you or directly behind you, you can hear his moist inhalations any time there’s a quiet scene.
The Kicker:Â Often a child, but not always, the Kicker is the one that always sits behind you.
The Predictor (or Dionne Warwick): That one asshole who blabs early and often about how the movie’s going to end. Usually encountered in movies with twist endings which you have valiantly avoided thus far.
July 22nd, 2006 at 4:39 pm
We went to Pirates last night. We had the ’sleeper’ next to us. I kept watching to see if he was still breathing or in need of CPR. In front of us was ‘ants-in-his-pants’ who got in and out of his seat a dozen times. I’m ‘Linda Blair’ at the movies. My head is constantly spinning to watch all the children while still watching the movie.
July 22nd, 2006 at 4:55 pm
Thanks for the additions, Cathy. I knew I had a fairly thorough list, but there’s always room for improvement. However I must say I’ve never encountered a Sleeper.
July 22nd, 2006 at 6:15 pm
Yeah, we did forget the sleeper and the wiggler. Although, I think the wiggler is just a variation on the kicker.
July 22nd, 2006 at 6:44 pm
So did you guys brave the credits and watch the final scene? What did you think of the movie? I thoroughly enjoyed it!
July 22nd, 2006 at 6:48 pm
You also need ‘The Snacker’ which would be the person that sits in the middle of the seats but gets up several times during the movie “excuse me. excuse me. sorry. cuse me.” for refreshments. This person is probably also ‘The Prostate Problem’ making several trips to the bathroom.
July 22nd, 2006 at 7:09 pm
“This person is probably also ‘The Prostate Problem’ making several trips to the bathroom.”
As a male of “a certain age.” I object ot this!!
July 22nd, 2006 at 7:14 pm
My 9 y.o. and I enjoyed it quite a bit, djuggler. It wasn’t as good as the first one, but sequels rarely are. We stayed for the last scene, which is why I’m so bitchy about The Reader. I swear to Allah she read every name out loud.
I got up twice to pee during the movie, but I have no prostate. So I guess I would just be The Pee-er. Or Bladder McPeesalot. Take your pick. That’s why I always try to sit at the end of a row.
July 22nd, 2006 at 8:01 pm
I recently encountered The Questioner at the Walk The Line movie - What’s he doing?
Is that Elvis? Why did he do that? That didn’t really happen in real life did it??
As for The Talker, some years back a group of us went to a movie (it wasn’t any good) but
some dude behind us was talking about everything imaginable. After five or six minutes of this,
one of my friends stretched his arms up high and very slowly dropped them down, finally linking
his fingers behind his neck and sticking his arms out like they were wings.
The Talker leaned forward almost immediately and said “Hey! I can’t see!!”
And my friend casually turned around and said “Then we’re even. I can’t hear.”
July 22nd, 2006 at 8:14 pm
What about the “pre-teen lovebirds?” Bos and I encountered a pair of gawky, awkward pre-teens who sloppily made out constantly during The Corpse Bride. Bos notes that it doesn’t have to be pre-teens, that any age group is equally annoying.
We also happened upon a Sleeper at Cars. It was actually a little odd - he was an older man, there alone. Sleeping. He woke up at some point prior to the end of the movie and left. He snored very loudly before his departure.
July 22nd, 2006 at 8:21 pm
The one that really annoys me is a subset of “The Talker”. This is the geezer that yells every comment and feels the need to comment often.
The missus just remembered another wonderful example. This is the “definitely not gay duo.” You know, it’s the two guys who sit together, but with an empty seat between them.
July 22nd, 2006 at 8:31 pm
Ha! I had forgotten about the Definitely Not Gay Duo. I’ve seen some of them around. Are guys so insecure about their sexuality that they can’t sit close to one another?
It’s been a really long time since I’ve encounter (or been part of) the make-out crowd at a movie, so I forgot to add them in.
I think that your subset of the Talker can be amusing at the right times, Bos. Such as during a crappy, scary movie. There’s nothing quite like some guy yelling at the actor not to go upstairs.
Joe, AT and I reluctantly saw Titanic, during which some smug asshole talked to a couple of younger girls he was with. Finally fed up, AT leaned over and asked “Can you please shut up for five minutes?” The guy did, and then later apologized in the men’s restroom.
I have elbowed a Talker and told him if he didn’t STFU I would get a manager to escort him out. That worked pretty well.
July 22nd, 2006 at 8:45 pm
I like telling people to shut up. I had a talker in Cars with me, an older lady with her young daughter, and while I didn’t tell her to shut up, as children were present on both sides, I did throw a bunch of glare at her. Of course, it didn’t work.
July 22nd, 2006 at 9:30 pm
I’d bet you do throw a mean elbow GAC.
July 22nd, 2006 at 10:05 pm
Dude, you should have seen her this one time at at Southern Culture on the Skids show… there was this one drunk guy, and…