Atomictumor

She’s responding again.  She hasn’t opened her eyes, but she squeezed my hand.  She raised her eyebrows.  She got onto me for self depreciating humor.

I no longer have any doubt that she’s in there communicating with me.  Well, not that I did, based on the last post, but things like this are so hard.  I don’t like not understanding things, and the world that she is in now I don’t understand.

I hate to leave her.  I hate to see her that way.  God, I love her.

I still feel good, because I think the worst has passed.

Her BP was up around 90, her pulse was 133 (still), continuing to trickle a bit more urine, meaning that kidney function is trying to come back.  Her temp was back down to 97.7, which I just love.  That 105 scared the hell out of me.  It doesn’t get much higher than that.

While I was there, the infectious disease doc came in and put a stethoscope on her chest and her stomach, and it hurt her.  I talked them into telling me they’d give her more pain meds, as long as it doesn’t affect the BP.

She’s tapering off the BP medication, which is more fantastic news.

Damnation, we might just keep her.

Me, I’m still intellectualizing.  I started doing it after I though we were losing her, and realized that we weren’t.  Hopes in there.  Being strong for everybody else is easier.  I’ll let you know when the emotions finally find me.  It’ll be when I’m alone, and when I let myself think about what I told G this morning, and how I tried to explain to Pigpen that “Mommy might not come home”, and watched him not grasp it at all.

I can say I love you GAC without tearing up like I’ve been, but I think thats because I’m empty now.

Almost time for the 5 PM visitation.  Feel free to join me in the Quiet Room.

I love you GAC.  Oh man, I love you.  I miss you.  I want you with me.  I know this is horrible, horrible, horrible, and I know what you were telling me about us getting you through it.  Woman, I love you.

I love you.

This entry was posted on Saturday, November 4th, 2006 at 5:24 pm and is filed under Pain. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.