Atomictumor

She’s responding again.  She hasn’t opened her eyes, but she squeezed my hand.  She raised her eyebrows.  She got onto me for self depreciating humor.

I no longer have any doubt that she’s in there communicating with me.  Well, not that I did, based on the last post, but things like this are so hard.  I don’t like not understanding things, and the world that she is in now I don’t understand.

I hate to leave her.  I hate to see her that way.  God, I love her.

I still feel good, because I think the worst has passed.

Her BP was up around 90, her pulse was 133 (still), continuing to trickle a bit more urine, meaning that kidney function is trying to come back.  Her temp was back down to 97.7, which I just love.  That 105 scared the hell out of me.  It doesn’t get much higher than that.

While I was there, the infectious disease doc came in and put a stethoscope on her chest and her stomach, and it hurt her.  I talked them into telling me they’d give her more pain meds, as long as it doesn’t affect the BP.

She’s tapering off the BP medication, which is more fantastic news.

Damnation, we might just keep her.

Me, I’m still intellectualizing.  I started doing it after I though we were losing her, and realized that we weren’t.  Hopes in there.  Being strong for everybody else is easier.  I’ll let you know when the emotions finally find me.  It’ll be when I’m alone, and when I let myself think about what I told G this morning, and how I tried to explain to Pigpen that “Mommy might not come home”, and watched him not grasp it at all.

I can say I love you GAC without tearing up like I’ve been, but I think thats because I’m empty now.

Almost time for the 5 PM visitation.  Feel free to join me in the Quiet Room.

I love you GAC.  Oh man, I love you.  I miss you.  I want you with me.  I know this is horrible, horrible, horrible, and I know what you were telling me about us getting you through it.  Woman, I love you.

I love you.

I feel relief, and hope.  Fatigue, numbness, headache too.

We just got back from visiting her, and she responded to me.  She’s sedated, but not paralyzed, and as I talked to her she squeezed my hand.  I have no doubt she was doing it to communicate.  She did it a few times.

Guys, I’ve been an armchair athiest for years, and now I find myself the proverbial guy casting about for salvation in stormy waters.  I think GAC sees God.  I think she squeezed my hand to tell me so.

This is hard for an objective person like me to admit, but I think God is there and that she is being taken care of by it (he, her, it, whatever).

If I were reading this a month ago, I’d think its the words of somebody in shock and grief and searching for any sign of any chance of a hope.  I’d dismiss it.

I can’t do it anymore.  I sincerely believe that she is in the hands of a higher power, and that she is being protected, and that she will come back to us.

Back to the hard facts of the situation, her BP is back up to about 80-90, which is great news.  Her temp is down to 99.  Pulse is around 134.  She’s producing about 30-50 ccs of urine an hour.  Her poor cute sweet toes are blue, as are her hands, because of all the blood pressure medication. She’s still on maximum dosages of everything.  Shes puffy, and has tubes, and machines, and medicines pumping through her.

As her family was talking to her, she kept trying to rouse, and I’d say “BJ, baby, its not time to get up now.  I know you don’t like taking orders from me, but you need to go to sleep”.  Then I’d yak at her.  I’d talk about watching our kids grow up.  I’d talk about being old together, about how I wanted to be a crotchedy old man, and she be the sweet old lady who tells me “Oh, shut the hell up AT, they’re just kids, and they’re having a good time”.
Its still dire.  I like that word, Mom used it earlier, and I’m totally picking up on it.

I’m intellectualizing right now.  The emotion comes in waves, and I’m on a emotion free wave.  My eyes are sore, my head hurts.  I only ate a little bit of that Wendys burger (well, half) and my stomach feels full.  The grief diet.  Good stuff.  Probably almost as good as the damn-near-dead-by-mystery-bacteria diet.

Oh yeah, that reminds me, they still don’t know the root cause, but are thinking maybe an infection from a tooth that had been abcessed a few weeks ago.  She took Keflex for it, and evidently thats giving them something to work on.

I could care less what caused it.  I don’t give a fuck.  Doesn’t matter in the least.

I don’t care if she loses her toes.

I don’t care if she can’t walk, speak, see, hear.

I love her.  Guys, I love her so much.  She’s my soulmate, and she’s so far away.

Going back for the 3 o clock visit in a minute.

I love you, BJ.

Got the whole Blueberry Farm clan at the house, and they brought Wendys.  Food and fatigue are good.

I said goodbye to my wife a few hours ago, and told her that I’d raise her children, and that I’ll always love her, and all that jazz.  She had dropped her BP to 55 while her parents and I was in there, and I managed to get it out before I left to let Jack and Dr. Ali do their thing.

Ha, its hard to type with everybody in here.

They put another line and some more meds in her (although she was at the max of what they could give her), and brought it back up.  I thought she was going to die.

God, I want her back.  Que sera sera.  If I lose her, tomorrow will still be Sunday.

I love you, BJ.

Hi All,

Just got back from the hospital.  Shortly before I got there, things had taken a turn for the worse.  GAC’s blood pressure dropped even lower, and her condition was looking very, very bad.  Fortunately, AT just called to say that GAC rebounded somewhat, and while things are still very dire, there is still hope.

You know, GAC’s fiesty, and a fighter, and by God she’s got to get through this.  Keep praying and hoping.  Your support means the world to her and AT.

Just talked to the new doc and the new nurse, and going to visit GAC in about 35 minutes.  I just held MastaGs and Pigpen’s hands and begged God with them not to take their mom away.

Shes on all the medicine a body can take.  Her toes are turning blue because of the blood pressure medication.

I love you, BJ.