November 6th, 2006 by Atomictumor
They are beginning dialysis. Her BP is 96, pulse was 120. She’s still trying to talk to me. I sing Hummingbird to her, and I tell her “there is nothing to fear, nothing to doubt” and I tell her I love her.
I can’t say much else to her. She starts to cry. Sightless closed eyed, silent, frozen, she frowns her eyebrows and crys through them. I hold her hand, and it grips mine.
Or it did at the 1 PM. I didn’t have much to say on the ‘tumor after that, because its getting hard. My mind is distancing me from it, and I don’t want that. I want to feel everything. I want to be in the moment, because it may be the last one. That, and I had to get Pigpen. That, and the ‘tumor is down.
Johnny Dobbins has hosted this thing gratis for damn near our whole thing, because I guess he likes what we say, or something. His other sites are taking a hit because of this. He is a very special man, and what he does touches me.
I can normally move a website, but I can’t today. I need to figure out how to mirror this. Can some of you smart techo geeky people do it? Theres a godaddy site hosting www.walkercountyhabitat.org that I started, it doesn’t have enough bandwidth to handle this, but I wonder if I can pony up the money to those magnethanded bastards if that’ll work.
I need this outlet. In the day, it lets me lay out my thoughts, and in the night, when I need it so badly, it lets me read your support. I feel like such a thief, and a scoundrel, playing your emotions for my benefit. Feelings are wierd, arn’t they?
…
When I went to see GAC at 3, they were putting in another central line. They’re doing dialysis. This morning they said they’d do a pseudo dialysis, but they can’t. The doc acted a little defensive when I asked. I think I asked politely, and I think I read him right, but I don’t care. I’d hate to piss off GACs lifelines, tho.
I think he said that they didn’t have the equipment. I told Eaves as we walked out that I’m not going to dwell on that, and I ask that you don’t either. It doesn’t help to see people getting mad at docs or medical scientists. Blame-placing is healthy, and valid, and good for some people, but I’ve never subscribed to it.
She cried through her eyebrows. I whispered to her, and her face smoothed.
She wants to stay.
She never believed in an afterlife. I did, to an extent, but we never talked about it. I wish now that we had agreed on a place to meet, just in case.
The doctors are working on her and trying new things, and as they have hope that dialysis will keep my sweet girl with me, I do too.
Oh, BJ. Oh BJ, I love you so much. God, I love you. You are my everything, and I yearn for you. I can let you go, if you need to go. We will be OK.
There is nothing to fear, nothing to doubt.
I love you.
November 6th, 2006 at 4:57 pm
Words escape me except to say that although I’ve never met you or your dear BJ, my thoughts and prayers and more thoughts and more prayers are with you. Although it may seem fleeting, I hope there is peace for you and your entire family during these difficult times.
November 6th, 2006 at 5:20 pm
J
We worked at CL and no at the same place. You and your family are in our prayers. I’ve had y’all put onto the Prayer list at our church. I wish I had a magic answer. We feel for you. We pray for an answer although have no idea what it is. Prayer and the will to survive are mighty things.
November 6th, 2006 at 5:36 pm
AT,
I’ve been reading your journal since I found out about it yesterday. I wish I had the words handy that would comfort you, but I’d just make a fool of myself. You have provided the template on how to honor your spouse “in sickness and in health.” I admire your devotion. Really.
I’ll second the remarks by “J” above. I don’t know if you’re a praying person, if you’re angry with God, questioning God, or turning to God. Please know that even in the midst of catastrophic human tragedy, Christ is a constant presence. Seek Him.
I’m praying for your sweetheart.
November 6th, 2006 at 5:45 pm
Just wanted to let you know that we’re keeping up with your posts. Let me know if you need anything. I’ll drop everything and head that way if you ever say the word. I won’t be any help of course, but I like the way Job’s friends behaved in his time of need. For the first seven days they just sat in silence with him, probably praying (if you ask me). Maybe that’s the only thing anybody could do. Although I’ve never been one to sit in silence…
I love you so much Jake, I can’t even begin to express how amazingly strong you are. But I can’t say that I’m surprised.
November 6th, 2006 at 5:48 pm
Greetings. We haven’t met, but what does that matter?
You’re getting a lot of love from this cold, dark place we call the net. The fine folks at newscoma, as well as Aunt B have you in their hearts and prayers. I’ve been reading your words and we at TN420.org wish to offer you our love, respect, and prayers as well.
There are no words to comfort in such a time. Only to say be strong and believe that God is good.
Very sincerely your’s,
captainkona, admin4, Freedom McDaddy, sparrow and all members of Cannabis Cove.
November 6th, 2006 at 6:09 pm
Keep up the positive. I am amazed at your strength. That will get you through. Toughness is a good trait use it to your families benefit. Admiration comes to mind in my thoughts toward AT.
November 6th, 2006 at 6:09 pm
AT, I know you don’t need anymore arm chair doctors but could you mention Reitor’s Syndrome to your doctors? My brother got very very sick when he was in college and ended up at Earlanger in Chattanooga for a long time. They could not figure out what was wrong with him and his symptoms started out like you wife’s. Severe body aches and fever. The doctors finally had the Center for Disease Control in Atlanta run tests on him and he had Reitor’s Symdrome and they were able to treat him before his kidneys totally shut down.
Just a thought. Keeping you and your family in my prayers.
November 6th, 2006 at 6:11 pm
We were away from the web most of the weekend, but based on LissaKay’s post to the Bridgage and reading your posts we are now up to date. We will be and are praying for you, BJ and the kids. We are going to keep on praying too, no matter how long it takes and where it takes us.
We are just down the road in Knoxville so like JenWright if you need anything please keep us posted and we will do what we can ASAP.
Stay strong, be couragous and trust God.
November 6th, 2006 at 6:27 pm
Headed over here after Busymom mentioned your story on her site. My heart is absolutely breaking, and I’m shedding tears for a family I’ve never met. For a mom who wants to be there for her kids. For a husband who never wants his lover and friend to go. My heart breaks for you, and hopes for you, and prays for you.
November 6th, 2006 at 6:30 pm
I don’t know you except in your pain. I am adding my pryers and hopes to the many others that are being sent to you. I ache for you and yours and wish there was something I could do. You are amazing and I am so very ssorry you had to experience this in your life. Best to you - you are amazing.
November 6th, 2006 at 11:44 pm
I love you all very much. Thank you.
November 7th, 2006 at 7:38 pm
Hi,
I do hosting. I’ll be happy to host you gratis. This isn’t a time you should be worrying about money. I have a friend who can probably move your blog to my servers.
Please do let me know. I own my server. As long as you’re using less than 50 gig of bandwidth, I can help you out.
November 7th, 2006 at 11:57 pm
Donna, I thank you. I think the server problems are resolved, but I know thats a huge offer, and I appreciate it very, very much. I hope your selflessness is rewarded approprately!