Atomictumor

Thats what I told Dr. Gavin as I walked away, after talking to him. I’m not sure where it comes from, it seems like I’ve always heard it (not sure from where), and that it means something like “what happens, happens”. Somebody back me up.

I’m preparing, again, for her to die.

The nurse and doc, Linda, and Dr. Gavin, talked to me after seeing her.

Well, let me start at the beginning. I am a communications student, after all…

Mom and I went in for the 10 AM visit. I went in first, as is my want, and she was there. Her BP was 91. Her pulse was 105. The cooling blanket was off. All of the factors that I’d cling to first were looking better. I said “hi”, whispered those sweet things that you say to your sleeping love, and went to talk to the nurse. She could only talk for a bit before she got an unrelated, but urgent, phone call.

I went back in to talk to BJ, and her parents, and sister. She was more responsive than usual. (this is hard to write today, sorry guys, bit of a delay between sentences) She was squeezing hands, and raising eyebrows. She wasn’t as sedated. She was near the surface, trying to open those beautiful eyes.

As an aside, let me tell you about her eyes. They change according to her mood. The DMV has them listed as ‘hazel’, but they’re brown, green, and blue. All mixed together in a hypnotic, tantalizing, amazingly beautiful blend. Sometimes the green is out. Sometimes the brown is out. The blue usually stays in the background. I don’t know what color they are now.
I digress. (i love saying that)

She was responsive. Her mom said something about wishing she had brought nail polish remover, because the paint on her nails was falling off. Her right hands fingers are black. She’s left handed, tho.

I started telling a story, and I’ll tell you here also.

“Before we started dating, we were friends. I really thought she was cool, but I had a habit of ruining relationships, and I didn’t want to run her off. Anyway, she’d talk me into ditching class at UT and hanging out. I didn’t need much encouragement. We’d hang out at the mall, or at places.

One night we were at Kroger, with my roommate Scott, and he was wandering off somewhere. She was piggyback riding on me, and stopped to paint my thumbnail with some pink nail polish.”

At this point, she started trying to tell us something. She was trying to talk so badly. Her mouth was moving, her tounge was moving around the vent tube. She had something to say. Her oxygen level started dropping, from the 94 down finally to 80 by the time I had her family out of the room. She was resedated, but she kept trying to say something.

As much as I love you, and as much as I feel her in every pore of my body, I don’t know what it was. My brain, and my heart, and my soul didn’t get the message.

god, that hurts so bad.

what was she saying?

…

MastaG knocked on the door right after I wrote that, while I was crying, so I dried up and let him in. We talked about how to kill barbarian archers in Civilization. Katy’s going home today, and he’s sad over that. I’m not sure what I should do with him.

Its also wrecked my train of thought. Seems like the story ends with Dr. Gavin asking me back, asking me all the same questions about anything she did thats odd. Wild animals, strange foods, pain, anything like that in the 48 hours prior. Last weekend.

Just last weekend.

Linda and Dr. Gavin wanted to point out that she’s getting worse. Her heart is showing problems. Her white blood cell count is still at 36000, climbing. Lactic acid is causing problems. All the pressors, and medicines, and everything.

They said “very slim chance”.

They said they’ll code her, tho, if anything happens. I asked for heroic measures.

And if she goes.

If she goes, if she goes, tomorrow ill be Tuesday, and Wednesday will come after that. Bills will be paid, people will be late for work. Wifes will love husbands.

I’ll have two boys. And family, and friends. You, when I needed you most.

GAC. I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you. I love you. I love you.

This is hard.

This entry was posted on Monday, November 6th, 2006 at 12:04 pm and is filed under Pain. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.