November 6th, 2006 by Atomictumor
They had to stop the dialysis. Her blood pressure dropped too low.
She is beyond profoundly ill, but not beyond me. I (against the wishes of Linda, the day nurse) snuck in beside one of the other nurses when I saw that she heard me, and that her brow was furrowing.
I told her my mantra “There is nothing to fear, nothing to doubt. God is watching you. The boys are fine. I am fine. There is nothing to fear, nothing to doubt. I will always love you. I will always love you. There is nothing to fear, nothing to doubt.”
Her parents hurt. I think I can let her go, but I don’t think they can.
What kills me, is that I told MastaG that he would be able to talk to her, but I don’t think she hears him. She’s beyond hearing, from what I understand.
Her heart is worse. I don’t remember why. Ironically, BP is 110. Oh yeah, theres not enough blood. Its going somewhere.
I’m not crying now.
On the way out, I talked to her, and I hope she heard me in some cosmic mystical mumbo jumbo way. I told her the boys will grow up to be good men, and that I will always love her. Our family will persevere. She will always be a part of it.
I was crying then. I was crying the hardest of this whole damn thing (4 days? 5 days? When was it just the flu?) on the way home, listening to Hummingbird as if its a channel into my girl. I begged that God, or Vishnu, or Allah, or It would make a deal (always the deals). I said I would do his work, and I will live my life on earth, raising my children, being a good person, and trying to make the world better in whatever way I can, if I can talk to GAC in my dreams, and if I can just be with her when I die. I can live for a thousand years without her if I can make that deal.
I didn’t get a response, maybe he’s talking to his people. I did get peace, tho, and I came home, and pondered my decision to tell MataG that its too late to talk to her like I told him he could earlier today. Because I don’t think it would help him.
Nothing can help BJ but God. I have not believed in God, the Christian god, Jehovah, or whatever for all of my adult life. As I walked out of the hospital, I looked at a cute little girl and grinned at her (no tears at that point, so I don’t think traumatization was done, its OK). I marveled at all of the things. All of the beauty.
Thats a cliche, and I used to hate it, but its true. The world is so full of beauty. From the eyes of the girl you so desperately love, to the smile of a stranger’s little girl.
OH BJ. BJ, I wish you were here. But I wish you peace.
There is nothing to fear, nothing to doubt. There is also still hope.
I will always love you
November 6th, 2006 at 6:40 pm
Realtor Chick and I are hanging with.
God Bless. Punk HP
November 6th, 2006 at 6:55 pm
Know that all of Willow Brook is praying. BJ has made such a difference for so many with her work at our school. She is a member of the WB family and it pains us so that she is going through all of this. Masta G will be in good hands–we love him dearly and will see to it that we are there for him and you and the future WB bear!
November 6th, 2006 at 7:00 pm
We never lose hope, man, we never lose hope. I’m still hoping.
:)
November 6th, 2006 at 7:08 pm
i am an ex ridger, retired in utah, really have enjoyed your site,just to let you knoe you are in our prayers,you have been a real inspritation to me.
November 6th, 2006 at 7:08 pm
I’m not very good at praying. I don’t really know how to do it. But I know how to beg. I’m begging God or whoever is out there to intervene in whatever way they can. I have hope. It may not be worth much, cosmically, but I’m sending you all the waves of hope and care and good wishes and prayer I have.
November 6th, 2006 at 7:11 pm
I believe in God and I know that He is in the business of miricles. We at Team Swap, and all our friends on the web and locally in Knoxville are praying for a miricle and for your family. We will continue to pray no matter the outcome. God is in control, even if it does not seem like it.
Stay strong, be couragous, and trust God.
November 6th, 2006 at 7:23 pm
I’m still here hoping and praying right along with you AT.
November 6th, 2006 at 7:24 pm
Thank you all for your prayers, your kind and warm thoughts. This outpouring of support truely amazes us here at atomictumor. It is a blessing.
November 6th, 2006 at 7:36 pm
I’ve been praying since I found your story a couple days ago. Unbelievable! Please know that a LOT of people are thinking of you and yours.
November 6th, 2006 at 7:49 pm
My heart is breaking for you, your family, and friends. This internet is an amazing place, all of us praying together. There is a lot of power in that. God is listening. I can’t say what will happen, but I do know that he hears, understands, and Loves.
November 6th, 2006 at 7:51 pm
There is a god and she loves BJ. Whatever needs to happen will happen, and you’ll be connected to her no matter what. Clearly, you were meant to be connected. I am praying right now for you and her and the children and her parents.
November 6th, 2006 at 7:58 pm
You’re here in our minds and hearts.
November 6th, 2006 at 10:32 pm
I thought I was all cried out after the other night when my Mom died (but was resuscitated and is still with us for the time being). Then I came here.
I’ll add your family to my prayers for my Mom, which are going up hour by hour, minute by minute. I don’t know what else to say or offer. :/
November 6th, 2006 at 10:36 pm
Hey all, moved the site to a better server. Comments posted in the last two hours are lost. I’m sorry!
November 6th, 2006 at 11:01 pm
Found you through BusyMom.net, and I am so, so sorry and I am still praying for a happy ending for you guys and your boys.
November 6th, 2006 at 11:09 pm
I am praying for you and all of your family. May all of you find peace and strength.
November 6th, 2006 at 11:32 pm
I found you thru BusyMom and I have read about what is happening and I promise you, she hears you. When my father was in that same place, I know he heard me. Sylvia Brown, she’s a famous psychic, she says when folks are in that place, that sometimes they are already home and they know what you say and they know what you don’t say too. Please know you and your boys and BJ are in my thoughts and prayers.
November 6th, 2006 at 11:32 pm
Thanks folks. I’m truly humbled.