November 8th, 2006 by Atomictumor
This morning, Pigpen woke up. He was sharing a room with my mom, she was sleeping in MastaG’s bed (for reasons I still don’t understand, Mom professes that G’s bed was more comfy, G professes that the couch was more comfy).
She told him that she might go back to the Blueberry Farm today, and he said “No! Wheres my Mommy?” She talked further, and the subject came up, and Pigpen said “No! Wheres my Mommy?”
Today was share day, and he took Wolverine with him, as I said earlier. He’s clutching Wolverine. Wolverine is keeping the trouble, the sick, at bay. I asked him what would happen if Mom went back to the Blueberry Farm, later on, and he told me that the house would get sick.
He’s going there with her. He needs a mother figure, and yesterday I would have agonized about taking him away from GAC (as dumb as that is), but today, because I’m not doing things like that, I’m OK with it.
Truly? He’s BJ’s kid. He is little BJ. Having him gone is erasing the moving representation of her. Not that its all bad, because now I don’t have to look after a four year old.
I asked MastaG when I picked him up from school if he wanted to go with Pigpen. To where the cats are, where his best pal Katy is, where he won’t have to go to school, and to my deep deep amazement, he said he’d rather stay here, for me.
I convinced him that I don’t need looking after, that I’m fine, that I’m happy that Mom’s stable (she is, according to the nurse… notice that today the posts haven’t been as much about her, as about me? Hee), that I’m having a great day. He went with what he really wanted to do, which is head to the farm.
So, got me an empty house. It sounds sad, but right now its not. Its liberating.
I’m still having a great day. I get exhausted easily, and the enthusasm is gone from earlier, but I see the beauty again, like I’ve seen all day. My music is helping me with that, as I mentioned earlier. I hope everybody finds what they need to see the beauty.
Along with fatigue, I was starving after the 3 o’clock show, so I swing by Betty’s here in town, the Magic Wok (which instantly means anything to any Oak Ridger). She has the best wontons and eggrolls in the world. A little Asian lady, who I’m told is well off, who just likes to serve food from this tiny little crappy trailer. Eggrolls the size of Pigpen’s arm, full of everything but the kitchen sink. Wontons which drip with tastiness. I don’t usually sample her meals, because its SO MUCH food, and I’d waste most of it. I wanted a snack, because I intend to have a pizza later, and a beer, and maybe finally get around to either:
- A timeline of events, because its hard to remember when this happened, or (gotta flip the record, hang on)
- That story I promised you the first night (see, I don’t remember which night it was) about how we met. I don’t feel the same urgency to write it as I did, but it’s a sweet story
- Watching “So I Married an Axe Murderer” or “Hero”. Seen em both. The former is one of GACs longtime (since before we met) favorite movies, the latter is one that I’ve been wanting to see again. Gotta love wire-fu
- Spending some quality time with my new internet buddies
Not sure which will win.
When I was there, at the Magic Wok, a lady beside me, who Betty must know (she has a capacity to know everybody) was talking about her living so far away, on a farm, and Betty told her that its good for kids to be close to nature. That God is in nature. The city has man, and its not good for too long.
I told her that I’ve never understood things like that until this week. That its been a strange week. I’m glad she didn’t ask why, because I’d have told her, and theres no sense just going around making people cry.
—
The facts, as they stand.
Pulse - 133
BP - 110
Temp - 100, to let the body help fight the infection, apparently. fine by me.
Atavan - heavily sedated all day. No eyebrow furrows, no hand squeezes. That was nice, but hope is nicer. I think Saturday and Monday she was telling me to be strong, and she knows I’m OK now, and is convinced to take care of herself. Maybe. Maybe she was just heavily sedated. It doesn’t change anything now. I miss her, but I’d do that anyway, and just breathing in her scent when I’m with her is a blessing. Just that she’s still there.
Liver - Was encouraging this morning, they might not start checking it every day. I have faith that they know what they’re doing much better than I do. We seem to have run off the docs in the audience, if there are any left, please tell me if you think differently.
Heart - Good rhythm.
Pressors - Gradually turning down the quadruple strength livosec (?) blood pressure medication. This morning was 28.5, then 26, now 24.
She’s been deflated, after last nights, and this mornings dialysis. Her cheekbones are back to normal. She’s so beautiful. She is absolute beauty. Her dark hair, her flawless (well, the two moles and chicken pox scar, to me, add to the beauty) pale skin, her eyebrows and long lashes, her red lips clutching that vent tube, is perfection to me.
I like to whisper in her ear. Sometimes I tell her a mantra, or sing her a song. Sometimes I just sit there and say “I love you” over and over and over again. I never feel like I’m there long enough when I feel myself compelled to leave (never by the nursing staff, or old men with clipboards). I just have to get out, or I’d lose myself in her.
I hold her puffy hand. She has some sort of cream on her feet and right hand in the hope of restoring circulation to them. I was told that if I touched it, it would lower my blood pressure and I’d pass out.
Sounds kinda like a ride.
Its a long shot, Linda mentioned offhandly. Thats something for tomorrow, I think. I’d sure love to have those hands, and those feet back. Particularly those feet, because I adore BJ’s stubby toes.
I love her so much.
BJ, honey, I love you. Today is a good day. The world, BJ, is so full of beauty. Its full of people who care, not because they have to, but because…
Fill in the blank. I don’t have the end of that sentence.
I can’t wait to see what your answer is, honey. I’m on my way to see you now, and I love you so so much.
November 8th, 2006 at 5:26 pm
Good to hear all this, AT. I am so thankful that you and she are doing okay today.
November 8th, 2006 at 5:27 pm
All of that sounds like great news!
That cream sounds really interesting. Now I’m going to spend the next hour on google trying to figure out how it works.
I bet the kids will have a good time at the farm. It will be good for them to be able to just be kids. Grandmothers are great for that. You need the peace and the rest too.
November 8th, 2006 at 5:32 pm
Yippie!!! Your love for that wonderful, beautiful woman with skin smooth and pretty enough to make a china doll jealous radiates from your words. I praise God for this. I praise God for your mood and even for your alone time that you need so badly (even if you don’t know it).
I love you buddy.
November 8th, 2006 at 5:56 pm
So excited to hear that things are looking so much better. Continuing to pray and hope.
November 8th, 2006 at 6:17 pm
I just came across your blog and read back for quite a while. I am so touched by what you and your family are going through right now. My thoughts are with you all. I hope her recovery speeds up so that you can all be home and life can be normal again. There’s a lot to be said for boring routine.
November 8th, 2006 at 6:26 pm
Glad to hear GAC is improving. Came by via BusyMom. You, GAC and your family are in our throughts and prayers.
November 8th, 2006 at 6:26 pm
i am crying. the love you have for her is so fucking inspiring. do you read these to her? i found your blog today through amalah and am just catching up- learning- etc. all my best to you and yours.
November 8th, 2006 at 6:28 pm
AT! Enjoy that time alone with the kids gone! Use it to rejuvenate yourself with all things needed… CRANK UP THE MUSIC TO FULL CAPACITY! Take a long scalding hot tub, then a cool shower. Take a nap. Eat some food. Ease your mind. Do it for yourself, you need it and deserve it. Then crank the tunes up leven louder! ; )
November 8th, 2006 at 6:36 pm
AT! I was glad to hear that the kids went w/ mom for a spell. You can use the solitude. Amazing that the Masta wanted to stay to help you out. What a man! So, this is what you need to do…
1) crank tunes as loud as legally allowable.
2) play air guitar.
3) eat something.
4) take a long scalding hot bath, then a cool shower.
5) crank tunes even louder.
6) ease your mind.
7) get some sleep! (remember how good it felt???) but turn down tunes before you doze off!
Can’t wait to get the next update on how she is doing today. I am praying it’s the best yet!
NOF
November 8th, 2006 at 6:50 pm
Just wanted to let you know we just went through this with my 92 yr old Grandma. In her case it was West Nile Virus. It took a week to get the results and we spent that week thinking we had already lost her. No responses except ones that looked automatic, fever, swelling in the extremities (although not as severe as what your wife seems to be having). She was out of it for several weeks and then a few weeks ago, she started to wake up. It’s been a slow process, but she knows who everyone is, has been writing angry notes on her whiteboard claiming one of her Dr’s is an idiot and that she wants food (she’s still on the vent so whoever is there has to tell her no, not an enviable position). She is the ward’s miracle patient. Every time we ask the Dr.s what to expect or what comes next, they look at us like we’re nuts and say “You do realize NO ONE her age has EVER survived West Nile, right?” So my point is, your wife has a lot more going for her than my Grandma does ( strong young body, two great little ones, her whole life in front of her, and a loving husband) and Grandma made it through. A strong will goes a LONG way. Oh and uh, she DOES hear you and she may very well remember what you say, so um be careful what you say to her. My Uncle found that out the hard way, lol.
November 8th, 2006 at 6:51 pm
Just took a break from shelving books here at work. So glad to read the good news. I can’t wait to make my toyota fly back to oak ridge and see you all again.
November 8th, 2006 at 7:01 pm
Thanks for letting us borrow your boys for a little while. From what I understand Pigpen is very much looking forward to “sweeping in the twailor”.
November 8th, 2006 at 7:08 pm
AT,
Cheered to hear things are easier for you today. Regarding the not knowing about what else may or may not happen, it seems best to just give it up to someone/something. I spent the last 18 months worrying about what could be wrong…I mean I already got my miracle, she was alive but I still wanted more: will she have cerebral palsy, will she continue to have seizures, will she crawl, walk, talk, think, grow. But I can’t live like that for the rest of her life….so I enjoy what we know is ok now and leave it at that. Heck, how can I not when every time I point the camera at her she does this little silly face: http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y290/califdudes/ladybugface.jpg
You just can’t beat that. When she is 20 she will yell at us when we show these pictures to her boyfreind, but its too funny. So tell BJ that there ia a little miracle ladybug and her grama way over here in San Diego wishing her a great recovery and know that we are still praying regardning your miracle.
Vickie
November 8th, 2006 at 7:12 pm
Great to hear the improvement continues. Also good to hear more about you, and less about her, as you worry less about her. Typing really can be a great purge. Know that we, and ours (again that English stuff) are continually praying for you, her, the kids, the family, the nurses / doctors, and for your friends that are helping out. Prayer is powerful and miracles due occur.
November 8th, 2006 at 7:23 pm
I guess you could say I’m a friend of a friend of a friend - we don’t know each other, but I’ve been reading your story and praying for your wife, you, and your family, and I’ll continue to do so.
November 8th, 2006 at 8:01 pm
AT, if it counts, I want to hear (read) the “how we met” story. When you feel like it.
November 8th, 2006 at 8:54 pm
You haven’t quite lost all the docs…I’m still here and praying for you guys. It sounds like BJ is getting all the right care and is in good hands. Vitals stable, fluids coming down, liver and renal function improving, weaning meds … all signs that she has now officially turned the corner and is on her way back to you. It’s about time!
Treecy
November 8th, 2006 at 8:55 pm
AT, I read every one of your posts. I don’t respond to them only because I was raised by my mother and our grandmother and have no way of expressing sympathy sincerely. Half the time the only thing I can think to say is something vaguely sarcastic that barely has anything to do with the situation and the other half of the time my posts come off as cold when I read them back to myself. (The cold ones are the ones that end up getting posted, BTW.) But, despite my emotionally incapacitated thought process, I am reading, considering, and praying. And I faithfully report every update on GAC’s progress.
Let me just complement you on the itemised lists of vitals that you have started to include. It makes reporting back to the Family much easier.
November 8th, 2006 at 9:11 pm
I’m checking in this evening, sounds like good news. Still thinking of y’all a lot..
I hope tomorrow is even better. Get some sleep while you can, if you can.
November 8th, 2006 at 9:14 pm
I was going to try to come by the hospital tonight, but maybe better to wait another day … I’m still praying and “beaming good vibes” out the window while at work towards the hospital! The offer still and always stands for whatever assistance I can render! Just ask!
November 8th, 2006 at 9:17 pm
I am glad to hear that things are indicating calmer waters are ahead. I have a name for this virus if it is a virus but it is not suitable for general audiences. =) But seriously I am not praying any less — not until she is home. By the way bosphorus, work is just as political is old work — maybe worse. Stepped in a major cow poop poop today. Nothing that is going to stick but it was embarassing to scrape it off.
November 8th, 2006 at 9:27 pm
I’m going to miss Pigpen so much! School just won’t be the same without him. I’ll see you soon, AT
November 8th, 2006 at 9:44 pm
Just came over to check in on you via EvilBaritone’s blog. I can only offer you the love, support and encouragement of a complete stranger. Well, a complete stranger who happens to be a singer, music lover, wife & Mom herself. She sounds so beautiful, your lovely wife, and you sound so very brave. You are her knight in shining Husband/Dad armor…
Keep posting, we are listening and we are always here for you!
November 8th, 2006 at 9:45 pm
I found you through Busymom,net and I am so sorry that you and your family have been going through all of this. I am keeping you and your family in my thoughts and wish for a fast recovery for your wife. Take care of yourself. Be strong in your love….it does make a difference.
November 8th, 2006 at 9:47 pm
Today’s news is wonderful, although I think we all realize that GAC isn’t completely out of the woods yet. I look forward to making her acquaintance in real life some day.
November 8th, 2006 at 10:21 pm
you are happy, i am happy. get better, bj. i promise to introduce myself in person when you do.
November 8th, 2006 at 11:23 pm
Jennster -
“Do you read these to her”
Good question. Truth is, I haven’t thougth of it. No, I don’t, and I wouldn’t. I’d rather let her read it, sometime, when I’m not around. I’ll be at work, or the grocery store, and she can take her time with them. I wish I could imagine the state of her mind when she reads it.
I really don’t think of her reading it very often. Its more like something I just have to do. A compulsion, say. I don’t want to say it doesn’t matter if she reads it, or that she reads, it because it does.
Truth is, she knows every word I write here. She’s known em for years. I’ve always told her that every day I love her a little bit more. Ash, from Evil Dead, calls it “pillow talk, baby”, and it would be what I say in the quiet times, because I can’t shut my mouth and just love.
Drives her crazy sometimes, because she just wants to go to sleep.
Gotta love that BJ…
November 8th, 2006 at 11:34 pm
Exiled to Canada:
Dayam. Your grandmother must be one HELL of a woman!
November 8th, 2006 at 11:35 pm
Dr. Treecy:
Its great having you around! Its a shame you’re in the wrong friggin country!!!
November 8th, 2006 at 11:37 pm
The rest of you:
Man, I wanna respond to all of you personally, because all of your comments are great.
I suck them up and feel better after reading them.
Thanks!
November 9th, 2006 at 3:12 pm
After reading your site for the past several days, I’ve had tears running down my cheeks - first from sadness then to an awe that we are all witnessing this kind of love.
Our prayers are with you and yours.