November 8th, 2006 by Atomictumor
There’ve been a few things I’ve learned about myself lately.
- I’m a closet control freak - I need information that I don’t understand. I like to drive the car. I do the grocery shopping (GAC and I drew straws near the beginning, and I drew the cooking straw - no, the reality is that she burns water). I can do and do and do, but I feel that I deserve insight, knowledge, and a bit of that alpha role.
- I’m a nurturer - I feel better when I’m helping others, and as I do so I help myself. I’m trying to ask my friends if they’re OK, and as I ask I really do care. I break GACs news to people as easily as I can, and I want to make sure they’re OK.
- I’m proud - I won’t let people see me cry. I wouldn’t go to Blogger when things on the site got tough. I won’t wear their dumb badges. I’m obstinate, because I will be.
- Uh… thats all, I think. Seems like there was a 4.
I ddn’t really get to see BJ at all today. She’s getting better, but I miss her. At least yesterday, she’d furrow that brow, and squeeze my hand, and communicate to me. I didn’t feel it, because at 10 she was on too much atavan, at 1 I was too angry, at 3 I didn’t go because I had to get my shit together, and at 5:30 she was in dialysis. At 8:30 there was too much hope, and I had doubt in my mind that she’d want to be alive.
Thats the truth, I guess. She was also on a lot of atavan, and was deep in there. I saw her eyes fluttering, but didn’t feel her hand move. I was also so excited that it worked. It was like Christmas morning in there.
Its going to take so long. When will she be ‘awake’? When will she be off the tube? When will I know what they expect next?
Her left hand seems in decent shape, which is good, because she’s a southpaw.
I’m getting pissed at myself that I can’t just enjoy the fact that she’s better than yesterday. I have to compensate with more crap to make me feel bad.
Sigh. I intended this to be an uplifting post. After all, theres a joke somewhere up top. I’m going to read my posts, from last week on, and remember what the hell is happening.
—
Called Gary. They did some blood tests and things are still looking up. Stats are good. White blood is about 25000. Createnin (?) is down from like 9 to like 5, Gary said that was good. I’ll let the medical folks explain that one. Somethign to do with kidney function.
On that note, 200 ccs of urine last hour. Thats a woot.
I no longer have doubt that my wife will live.
BJ, I love you.
November 8th, 2006 at 1:17 am
i only ever see you in passing but i want to give you a big hug - cyber-wise, at least. i barely know you guys (i feel like a danged stalker right now) but i can’t stop worrying about you both … chin up. i’ve GOT to go to bed …
November 8th, 2006 at 1:45 am
Sounds like she’s turned the corner, and I’m so happy for you and your family. Got here by way of Knox Views, and have been pulling for you constantly ever since. She will be very moved when she reads what you’ve written here.
November 8th, 2006 at 1:54 am
I have been reading your updates for many days now. To be honest, I feel a little intrusive when I read you very personal thoughts. Now, after prying into your life/blog, I want to write to tell you that you have touched my life and heart in an amazing way. I am a 35 y/o wife and mom to 2 kids. Two years ago my life/health took a drastic down turn. I completely relate to your frustrations about God or a higher power. I understand what it is to wrestle with the idea of someone I can’t touch or feel. Maybe I am a fair weather friend to God. I just don’t know. What I do know is that for me, sometimes rather that relying on a higher power, it’s easier to rely on what I know and can feel. You know your Wife is headstrong. You know she Loves your children. You know she loves you. You know she loves her family. She may look fragile and weak on the outside, but never forget she IS NOT a fragile and weak person. Don’t feel as though your anger and grief is wrong or weak. When in doubt of her strength, think of the last time she may have convinced you that you were wrong, when you knew you were right. Just please don’t underestimate yourself or all you are doing. She will not give up. Be pissed off. You have every right to be. Be sad. Be scared. But also be sure of her strength as a woman, wife, and mother to pull herself through this with or without the help of a ‘higher power’. She will.
And so will you. My thoughts are with you.
November 8th, 2006 at 2:59 am
I would react the same way as you. I think too much hope can be devastating. At least to me. I rather be a little pessimistic on the outside but cautiously optimistic on the inside. That way I will not be too disappointing if I have a setback. Things always seem to take a wrong turn when I’m too cheerful or happy about something. Of course my wife calls me boring since she’s always optimistic.
Lets be cautiously optimistic. Things could be worse. Hope to read more encouraging news in the next few days or hours.
AD
November 8th, 2006 at 4:13 am
I’ve been thinking about you all.
November 8th, 2006 at 5:27 am
Staying honest with who we are is the freshest brew we can drink. The buzz from this is higher than life itself. Here’s to BJ. Cheers!
November 8th, 2006 at 5:56 am
Hang in there, AT. Yes, in a way, hope is harder… because you know it exposes you to the precipice of the rollercoaster all over again. But four liters of poison are gone from her now, and she’s stronger than she’s been in days. You know that your touch and your voice break through to her, and that sustains her.
So yeah, you’re in the driver’s seat. There’s ice on the road and you don’t know where the road goes, but she’s still with you. You can do it — bring her home.
November 8th, 2006 at 6:11 am
I wish I had something unique to say about this situation, but it’s all been said by many others. I just felt like letting you know that there’s somebody else reading, and sending you both good thoughts. Thanks for letting us come on the journey, I hope the news continues to be positive.
November 8th, 2006 at 6:23 am
Creatinine is made in the muscle. Normally, low levels of creatinine find their way into the blood, but the kidney filters most of this out and it is excreted in the urine. When kidney function is compromised, this filtering doesn’t work, and creatinine accumulates in the blood. So serum creatinine levels indirectly reflect kidney function.
November 8th, 2006 at 6:24 am
Sorry, forgot to say how wonderful it is to read that BJ is improving. Just wonderful.
November 8th, 2006 at 6:57 am
AT, I know that your concern is real and deep, but wondering if GAC will want to be alive is borrowing trouble. Cross that bridge etc, etc. (I’m a fine one to talk, though. One of my favourite passtimes is panicking.)
Still, the Family is pleased with the news of GAC’s improvement. Will she be mad that she slept through the mid-term elections?
November 8th, 2006 at 7:09 am
I thought many (well, a few) times about the election, and how it went down pretty much exactly as we predicted.
I didn’t vote, and she’ll get onto me about that, I predict. I can’t wait for that.
Everybody,l I want call each of you out by name and say something personal to you, because you touch me. I know you feel like you’re saying the same thing. Hell, I feel like I’ve been saying the same thing over and over.
Its good. Thank you.
November 8th, 2006 at 8:02 am
Joel, Thanks for the explanation of Creatinine. It’s good to see your words.
November 8th, 2006 at 9:03 am
I’m so so happy to hear the good news AT. Big fat cyber hugs to you!!