Atomictumor

There’ve been a few things I’ve learned about myself lately.

1. I’m a closet control freak - I need information that I don’t understand.  I like to drive the car.  I do the grocery shopping (GAC and I drew straws near the beginning, and I drew the cooking straw - no, the reality is that she burns water).  I can do and do and do, but I feel that I deserve insight, knowledge, and a bit of that alpha role.
2. I’m a nurturer - I feel better when I’m helping others, and as I do so I help myself.  I’m trying to ask my friends if they’re OK, and as I ask I really do care.  I break GACs news to people as easily as I can, and I want to make sure they’re OK.
3. I’m proud - I won’t let people see me cry.  I wouldn’t go to Blogger when things on the site got tough.  I won’t wear their dumb badges.  I’m obstinate, because I will be.
4. Uh… thats all, I think.  Seems like there was a 4.

I ddn’t really get to see BJ at all today.  She’s getting better, but I miss her.  At least yesterday, she’d furrow that brow, and squeeze my hand, and communicate to me.  I didn’t feel it, because at 10 she was on too much atavan, at 1 I was too angry, at 3 I didn’t go because I had to get my shit together, and at 5:30 she was in dialysis.  At 8:30 there was too much hope, and I had doubt in my mind that she’d want to be alive.

Thats the truth, I guess.  She was also on a lot of atavan, and was deep in there.  I saw her eyes fluttering, but didn’t feel her hand move.  I was also so excited that it worked.  It was like Christmas morning in there.

Its going to take so long.  When will she be ‘awake’?  When will she be off the tube?  When will I know what they expect next?

Her left hand seems in decent shape, which is good, because she’s a southpaw.

I’m getting pissed at myself that I can’t just enjoy the fact that she’s better than yesterday.  I have to compensate with more crap to make me feel bad.

Sigh.  I intended this to be an uplifting post.  After all, theres a joke somewhere up top.  I’m going to read my posts, from last week on, and remember what the hell is happening.
—

Called Gary.  They did some blood tests and things are still looking up.  Stats are good.  White blood is about 25000.  Createnin (?) is down from like 9 to like 5, Gary said that was good.  I’ll let the medical folks explain that one. Somethign to do with kidney function.

On that note, 200 ccs of urine last hour.  Thats a woot.

I no longer have doubt that my wife will live.
BJ, I love you.