November 9th, 2006 by Atomictumor
What really woke me up at 4:30ish last night, was a glimpse I had.
It was a dark night, I was standing by the drivers door of the van. We were in a parking lot, it wasn’t very lit.
I saw her across from me, near the passenger fender of the van. She had her blue “Of Montreal” tshirt on, and was giving me her sweet smile.
It was so fleetingly quick, because the shock of seeing her woke me right up. I had time to see the beauty, the play of light and dark in her face that I’ve talked about befre. Her sweet smile. It was the smile she gives me after I tell her something cute, or sweet. Her “I love you too” smile.
It was so nice to see. I’m crying again, and I didn’t do that yesterday, just because of a glimpse, that could have been memory, or could have been her, or could have been God.
That was in all likelihood some sort of combo.
She’s on dialysis again, like yesterday morning. She’s tolerating it well, again. Today will be another good day, after some coffee, and a shower. I’ll still get to see the 10 o’clock show.
Guys, I really miss her. Thats one of the nice things about being in an empty house right now, and one of the excruciating things. I can’t tell you what I’d do or give to see that smile, now, on her face, now. Here. Not in a parking lot.
But that was enough for a while.
Last nght, before I went to bed, I found this at a friend’s site. She’d totally hate it. She has a low self image, as I imagine is common among her gender. She never lost a lot of the weight after the kids, and understands that I still find her amazingly attractive, even if she doesn’t, but thinks its just cuz I love her.
This also doesn’t do justice to her skills with the devil sticks. With her pair, which her hands have trained, she’s very talented. It wouldn’t hit the ground unless she wanted it to. She’d send it up, higher than the roof of the house. She’d be able to chuck it to me, and I’d throw it back to her for her to catch with the sticks, yaaaaay.
I’d sit on the porch and drink a beer and admire her.
—
Today’s going to be a good day. I’m aimless. One of the things that worked yesterday was taking Pigpen to school, so maybe I’ll drive that way anyway.
Thanks, you guys, for sticking around. Let me show you something.
Wow.
You folks are helping me through this in a way I can’t describe. I tell her about it, because while I did the lions share of the posts, I always loved it when she wrote.
I love you, BJ. Everyday brings us closer together. I will wait for you, with this love, and this anticipation, patiently, forever if I have to.
I love you, sweet girl.
November 9th, 2006 at 9:03 am
Every post you write makes me want to respond with what happened in our situation, but I try to hold back. I just want to say that I am so glad that things are looking up - it is going to be a long haul, but you will make it through. My hubby was in the hospital for a total of 33 days, but once he got out of ICU (12 days), I was able to stay with him. Once he got home, it was a couple of months before I really felt like he was “back,” but he did come back to me, and is maybe even an improved version of his former self. At least improved in the fact that he appreciates life a lot more, and stops to smell the flowers now. Hang in there, you are doing great. This is so emotional for me reading your thoughts, as they are just almost the very same things that went through my mind. Thank you for sharing them with me.
November 9th, 2006 at 9:10 am
What stat program is that?
November 9th, 2006 at 9:11 am
Christina, I’m glad you told me this. Yes, it sounds like we might end up having a lot in common. And you’re right, it will feel like a long time until she’s back. I can wait.
I also like the fact that I’m at least ‘normal’ in that we had the same kinda stuff. Funny, because I’ve always tried to be abnormal, what with the music, and the hair, and the clothes, and whatnot.
Thanks for watching, even tho its hard. It strengthens me, and I hope you had somebody like you to talk to you when this happened with your hubby.
Give him my regards!
November 9th, 2006 at 9:15 am
Jon, its statcounter. I’ve been using it since the get go. Actually, if you look, you can see the dates in May that we were all down. Theres the time in November that I moved from Typepad to WP. Its pretty cool to check out in normal times, but extra cool now!
November 9th, 2006 at 9:56 am
Yeah, that’s an amazing graph. I linked to it on my blog, but apparently the whole trackback thing isn’t so perfect.
November 9th, 2006 at 10:39 am
Things are really wonky here since the server move. In better days, I’ll have a lot of work. Like, none of the dead archives work. Seems like there’ve been a few other things.
Dunno.
Statcounters cool. It has a little javascript that runs whenever somebody hits the page, and gets a bit of info. It sorts it nicely, but unless you pay, it only tells you about the last 100 hits.
November 9th, 2006 at 11:53 am
AT - I am abnormal too (or always tried to be..lol) - loves me some Bowie, and it hasn’t been *that* long since I had bright pink hair and ran with the crazy crowd. Perhaps we have run into each other in Knoxville at some point…LOL I’m glad my babbling isn’t driving you crazy, I could babble on so much more…
November 9th, 2006 at 1:36 pm
amalah featured your blog on her daily picks site- and she has TONS of readers… thats how i found you! :)
November 9th, 2006 at 4:29 pm
Yep, Bowie is what its all about. Now, I’m particular about my Bowie. I think the Spiders days were the best, from about “Man Who Sold The World” on, until about “Low”. The german records, with Eno… well… meh.
And then the 80’s, gad. I pretend that he got the Michael Jackson alien replacement treatment.
Jennnster, yeah, I saw Amalah’s page yesterday. Wow, wow, wow, blogger moms. GAC never got terribly into it, mebbe I can tap into my feminine side and do it… :)