Atomictumor

After a few days of being by myself and getting my head straight, I feel great having family back up.  It really helps.

There’ll be tough days, but today was a good one.  BJ’s in a tight spot, but I choose to have faith that she’ll be fine.  And that I can’t help her, but to love her, and to speak of her, and pray.

Not much else to say.  Just wanted to put that down.

—

A few more facts:

Dr.Gavin and the Neurologist, Dr. Lynch, said that it looks like its the infection that prevents coagulation, and not the zygris.  Not a kidney infection after all?  They don’t know.

Her body is recovering.  Numbers aren’t important as much anymore.  White blood cell is still about 29,000, still a massive infection.  Her body will win.  I have absolutely no doubt about that, its just the mind that I fear.
I haven’t told the boys about the brain thingy.  I’m not planning on it, until I have to.  Figure a few weeks, then it’ll come up.

Next week is the beginning of the rest of my life.  Whatever comes, will happen then.  I hope to have you all helping me.  One of my fears is that when this gets old, those of you who have become close (and you know who you are, damn near all of you) will split.

I haven’t come close to finishing the GAC posse, I just haven’t had time to do it.  Bos, Eaves, figure you can help?  The thing will be friggin MASSIVE when its done.  We’ll need to take out room on another server for that!

BJ, my BJ.  This has gone on so long, taken so many weird turns

“How many strange days and twisted nights has this been going on?” is what the man said, I think.

Heading out to see you now, honey.

I love you.  I love you so much, and I count the seconds until I have you back.

We were settling down to watch some Metalocalpyse, which I leave you to discover for yourself, much like Califdudes (not for all tastes, GAC and I have found it to be he-larious lately) when I got a phone call from the hospital.

While I’m sure that at this point, she’s stable, and things aren’t going to destabilize instantly, the adrenaline kicks in.

Its BJs Dad.  The Neurologist is there, wants to see me in 10 minutes.

I know what he’ll say.  “Well, she’s suffered a bleed, it caused pressure to the head, worst case is persistent vegative state, best case is …. no treatment is available now, we’re going to monitor it and hope for the best”

I rush down there with Nodbob anyway.

We saw him, and he talked to us about this, knowing that I’m a computer guy, is trying to explain it “in symbols I understand”.

Dude, I can understand a lot.  Right now, I’m understanding things on a sub-intellectual, intuitive level, because my brain is busy distracting itself these days.

So, he said what I figured he’d say.  BJ’s mom cried.  I’ve concluded that I can’t help them anymore, that I have to bear my own thing, and they have to do theirs.  They have each other, so I hope thats a relief for them.

So, we ate pizza at Big Eds, and I continued to try to wrap my mind around why life is being so good to me while at the same time I’m suffering the worst pain I’ve ever felt.

Ah well.

—

My BJ, it was a treat to see you for a while.  They don’t have as much hope as I do.  I know I’ll see you again.

Gonna laugh at the cartoons that make you laugh now, with my brother.  We’re honoring you by doing this.

I love you so much.

Man, the folks at my job are awesome!  I came back from there with bags for the kids, and a bag of snacks.  The preschool sent a big ol’ basket yesterday.  Somebody else (forgive man, I have the memory of a goldfish these days) gave me the Panera Bread one.  I think Bos and Eaves had something to do with it.

On the doorframe are the good wishes from everybody.  PunkHP sent me a hawks feather, and an explanation that he and I understand.

Nodbob’s here.  We’ll have to explain him to the hospital…

I love my lil’ brudder.

—

No change in GAC.  Thats good.  The nurses can’t look at me without crying.  I can’t look at them without smiling today.

Why not?

I love you, babe.  You’re my angel. I’ll have hard times, but they’re good now, and I know now that you’ll be fine.  I love you.

More songs for the title.  A shiny sixpence for who (ahem, Allisone) can first tell me where this is from.  Actually, I don’t know what a sixpence look like.  It might not exist.  I’d wiki it, but I only have a few minutes to do it before the 3 PM show.

Guys, I’m going to suck it up, and talk to you like I was talking to Bos in the parking lot on the roof a few minutes ago, in the sun and the heat.

Its not easy to talk about God and stuff (notice I always add the stuff and whatnot and stuff?).  I’m not going to worship the same one you might.  I’m going to love and respect the one that shows me the beauty. The one that I understand is behind all this pain, but the one that I believe will see her through it, and will, if nothing else, leave me with a sense of awe that I’ll have forever.

Now, I feel bad.  Almost embarassed, because smart people like GAC, and many others, whom I still respect and admire with great vigor (old pedantic hippy friends of ours, for instance) have agreed with me for so long that the answers are all in science.

And they are, they totally are.  We evolved from monkeys, I have no doubt.  Well, not monkeys, exactly, but the same Viking that may have sired Bos’s line and my line.  Us and monkeys have a common ancestor.  Well, not a viking.  Dammit, you know what I’m saying?

What?  You don’t?  Well, just listen to the music, and enjoy it.  You don’t have to understand.

I cited a little while ago my post about Aw Geez, Go Away Infinity.  I can’t link to it, because for some reason the old cached, static posts are redirecting to here, and I’ll have Johnny fix that another day.  Theres plenty of time.  The post probably wasn’t even about what I remember it being about.

Anyway, the point of it is, and a bone of contention of mine for so long has been.

1. If something is infinite, then there can’t be anything outside it (infinity plus one is irrelavent, and doesn’t exist.  Its like asking for the weight of a sideways.)
2. If something is infinite, then everything, the beer bottle, the ring, the sweet little girl in bed, me, you, them, it is part of the infinity.  It can’t be outside it.
3. If you have a consciousness, then that would make you God.  Because you are the thought of that one infinity.
4. Therefore, because I’m not naive enough to assume that you are all figments of my imagination, there can’t be an infinite god.
5. Therefore, ha ha, I’m right.

That was my thinking two weeks ago.  And the thing is, its damn valid, except now, I see the difference.

See, all of the atoms in our body change, I think like every 7 years or something.  Not like a snake, a constant thing, but in 7 years, you are composed of something completely different.  You’re borrowing your body.

What makes you you?  Where’s the soul?

Wow, this is rambly.

Jack White is now telling me the crickets and the ants get it.  At the perfect time.

It makes so much sense.

—

Hmmm…. it looks crazy, doesn’t it?  And I won’t get it later.  I do now.  I wish I could show it to you, because its pretty cool.

Its not worth my wife being in that bed for, but the fact that the window was open, and the sun was shining right on her sweet face at 1, well, that was cool.

Systolically, she’s still doing fine.  She’s asleep.

As I sung Apple Blossom to her, her head moved.  My brain says “reflex”.  My heart says “hi baby”.  My soul says “I get it.”
Yeah.

I love you, baby.

I was planning on coming to write to you of persistent vegatitve states, of things worse than death (what Selena was telling me yesterday), of conversations during the Schiavo thing.  Of decisions, intentions, black and white and shades of grey.

I had all that planned.

Truth is, this is harder than pondering her demise.

Truth is, a half dozen of you in there told me that you had bleeds, or knew of someone that did.  I’m sure it happens.  Dr. Gavin told me that it usually happens in older brains, and that a younger brain (as fantastic and amazing as hers) will have plasticity (to borrow GBscientist’s term. He’s my cousin, by the way, and yes, Joel, more pedantic than you) that an older one wouldn’t.

That said, I’ll tell you its a “good sized bleed” to use Joy’s words.  She had three.  Two little ones, and that one good sized one.

My mind says “whatever, she’s going to be fine”.  My heart says “whoa… we need to talk”.

BJ, if you’re reading this, then all that I say is moot.  If you’re reading this, then God has blessed us, and you are mobile again.  If you are reading this, then you’ve read all of this, and you laughed, and cried, and while I can’t share your experience (as much as I want to), you’ve shared mine.

BJ, if you’re reading this, please don’t think less of me for what I have to say.

—

How can I love her if she’s devolving?  I’m almost afraid that my emotions are distancing themselves now.

What the hell kind of bastard, a selfish, narcissistic, wanker, would that make me?  Does that make me?

I love her, but since last night, I’m afraid I’m saying that desperately.  To tell myself, not her.  Its been so long since I’ve seen her, really her.  That glimpse by the van the other night wasn’t enough.

I slept last night.  I didn’t bother calling overnight.  Pam was there, sure, and I’d have gotten a ’stable but critical’.

Systemically, she’s doing better.  I can’t call and say “hey, hows that brain damage doing, ladies?”

This sucks.  This absolutely sucks.

I think, tho, I’m overthinking it, and beating myself up, despite my intentions of Wednesday.

I think I’m recognizing that I need rest/food/sleep/help too, and feeling bad because I’m not giving it all to her.  I don’t want to be human, I want to be her love.

I pray for strength.  I normally don’t pray for myself, the times I’ve broken my agnosticism was when it was for others (”please let BJs tooth feel better”, “Please let G’s ear infection heal”).

—

Pigpen has a little bit of a fever.  BJ’d be stressing.  Poor kid.  I’ll give him a hug tomorrow, but Daddy hugs don’t usually do the trick.  Next week we begin real life again.  I’m really not looking forward to that.

I love you, my BJ.  Please, please, please don’t think less of me.  I’ll hold out my hand, and dedicate myself to you forever and ever. That hasn’t changed.

I’m just weak, and need some coffee and music.

Honey, I love you.  God, please bring her home to me whole.