November 11th, 2006 by Atomictumor
My favorite movie of all time, ever, is Pulp Fiction. I guess it says a lot about me, that my favorite director is Tarentino, and my favorite writer (who’d guess it) is Hunter Thompson. Got a lot of favorite bands, but we’ve talked of that.
I’m feeling directionless today. After the peace and whatnot of the past few days, I’m feeling bland. Its been rainy, and I tend to swing with the weather. Its OK.
No change on my sweetheart (don’t I seem possessive? hee. I am) lately. Nurses are optimistic on her body, keeping mum on her head.
I’ll say it. I miss her bad. I’m so sick of this. No massive rise of emotion, just a wearyness that can only be soothed by her. And she’s not here to do it. I’m needy, and I need her. I don’t grieve for her, because I still think she’ll be OK, its just that I want to know the interary here.
Course, we all know thats not happening, right? At least I have this hope. I don’t know how I’d handle it if I was expecting the worst, like a week ago.
I just miss her. Everythings a little darker without her light.
—
I brought her glasses to her at the 8 o’clock show, and put them on her for a minute. It looked right. I agree with her now that the glasses don’t hide her beauty, it refracts it. I used to try to talk her into lasik and contacts, just to try to make life easier, but no more. Unless she wants it!
I feel good, released, giving them to the nurse. Now she can see when she wakes up. I hope I don’t break my leg getting to her when it happens.
Speaking of which, did I mention that I hurt my toe yesterday? Jumping off the porch, like a dumbass. It didn’t hurt when I landed, but just after. I think its a bone bruise.
—
I love you, woman. I love going to the hospital and breathing in your essence. I wish it were in the house. I’m in a house full of people, and feeling so lonely. Family is great, it relieves me, it makes me smile, but theres an aching hole in my soul while you’re away.
It waits for you. I’ll hold my hand out for you forever. I love you, my BJ, my sweet angel, my love, my darling, I love you so much. Come home soon.
November 11th, 2006 at 10:38 pm
I love your love for your wife. My thoughts and prayers are with you and yours as long as it takes.
I discovered your site last night through a friend’s NaBloPoMo or whatever it’s called, and I was so captivated by your painful honesty that I couldn’t stop reading until I had read every word.
So here’s to family and to holes being filled!
Here’s to learning how to deal with life without an itinerary (which sucks)!
Here’s to recovery and reunion!!!!
November 11th, 2006 at 11:04 pm
I hope she comes home soon.
November 11th, 2006 at 11:26 pm
Ditto Ben and glad to read you are doing so well and feeling better emotionally. Good to hear that your family is in and safe as well. You may have a full house, but that has good parts too it as well.
Know we are praying and praising God for all the good news and positive outcomes so far. God is in control here and He has a plan. Unfortunately His timing is not ours and one of the hardest things is being patient enough to find out what His timing is.
November 11th, 2006 at 11:52 pm
“I’m trying, Ringo. I’m trying REAL HARD to be the shepherd.”
Yup.
Good night, all.
November 12th, 2006 at 5:44 am
I hope you break your leg very very soon, ’cause then it means that she’s awake :) Hope that reads right - its pretty late at night! I just found your site today and I’m thinking of you guys.
November 12th, 2006 at 7:53 am
The worst part is the lack of game plan and they won’t give you one until she starts trying to wake up. We went through 6 weeks of that with my grandma. The first week was worst because we didn’t have a diagnosis. After we found out it was West Nile, we could at least get a little info off the internet but the Dr.s wouldn’t give us a clue. Then weeks of waiting. That’s the worst. Hang in there and keep asking questions, oh and don’t let the Dr.s avoid you. They would come in like 4am way before visiting hours so they didn’t have to answer questions, so my Mom and her brothers finally asked the Hospital to set up a pow-wow with all of Grandma’s specialists (neurologist, Infectious Disease, Internal Med, respiratory, etc.) and they came in with all of their questions and made them at least talk about it. Hopefully, your Dr.s are a bit more responsive. An update on Grandma, she has asked for 2 pantsuits, shoes, socks and a wheelchair…we think she’s planning to make a break for it. Of course, she’s still attached to the vent and a gastric feeding tube so she’s not likely to get far! ;-)
November 12th, 2006 at 12:50 pm
I think that would be the biggest problem that I would have, the not knowing… Type A personalities can handle most anything if they know the who, what, when, where, why and how. Still praying for you, and hoping those eyes open and see clearly soon.
November 12th, 2006 at 6:15 pm
i think about you randomly through out the day like the stalker i am and i wonder how you are doing …. really doing, you know. say she stays in this a full month, or two months or ,God forbid, 3 …. in the grand scheme people are like “[hohum] 3 months, what a long time.” [and they pick a fuzz off their sweater and scratch their head] i can’t imagine how every day is a week or a month or even a year to you. that has to be hell but your patience amazes me …. i know you miss her. hopefully, with all she has endured, it will seem like only a few hours to her when she wakes up and your affectionyou will shower in her, you hugs and lovin, will feel like a dozen roses to her! hang in there.
as a fellow “church goer” 8.5 out of 10 times, i feel alone, too. make me feel better and say that in no way affects my faith. does it, i dunno. (?!)
November 12th, 2006 at 7:43 pm
Thanks sumgirl. Yeah, it seems easy when you look on a calendar. The years are short, but the days are long.
In some ways, I envy her. Not in many tho.
November 13th, 2006 at 7:51 pm
I just lit a candle for you, too. May BJ come home to you soon.