November 11th, 2006 by Atomictumor
I had a mighty peaceful sleep last night. Exhaustion hit me at about 10, and I hit the hay. Woke up maybe once, but I did it with no memory of all this. When I remembered, it wasn’t a sad thing, like it was earlier in the week, just more of a “dammit” thing. Like you wake up remembering you’re spending the night somewhere you don’t really wanna be.
I’m not beating myself up anymore, and I’m getting pretty good at it. It’d be easy to feel bad, because right now the depth of my emotion for BJ is locked pretty deep in here. I could probably read posts from a week ago and cry, but why do it? I mean, what good would that do? It’d prove I still have a nervous system? That I’m still human?
I still think, tho, that if I squint my eyes and tilt my head and click my shoes together three times, she’d walk in the bedroom door from the bathroom, look at me weird for writing a post in bed, and climb in obliviously. All of the wishes, and hopes, and dreams I’ve had in my life (bigger house, none of those day to day worries, cool stuff for the kids, a Stella, peace on earth) combined wouldn’t give me the glee that her coming in here without any knowledge of this would.
I guess the love isn’t far off, I just have to diffuse it through something to see it properly. She’s such a wonderful, sweet, perfect (to me) little girl. I’m sure she doesn’t appreciate all of the build up…
—
No news is good news. At the 8:30 show, Pam was friendly, and talkative. She didn’t have to be, I’m at a different place than I was when I was so angry at her. She figures I’m in my angry phase, and I figure I’ve blown by that. I’m at phase tango - intellectual acceptance, emotional peace, weird cosmic understanding, sleeping decently through the night, writing posts that make very little sense.
Last night, Mrs Daco and Daco mistook what I said about the phone bringing my greatest fear, to mean that my greatest fear came to pass. Nooooo no no no. No. Truth is, (from a scientific perspective) her body is humming right along. Urine output is still HUGE. She’s getting fed a choclate mike paste, which reminds me of Yoo-hoo. Remember those old ads for yoo-hoo?
Calcuim? - YOO HOO!
Potassium? - YOO HOO!
And on and on. When she was in the ER, before all this, and the docs said they were giving her potassium, that was a joke we both made at the same time. I snickered to myself when I saw the bag, because I knew damn well that BJ’d get the joke. She probably hasn’t yet, but she’s deep in there.
I’m content with not knowing anything for a few days/weeks about her head. I know, from my head to my toes, that she’ll pull through.
My only worry is when she wakes up, missing some knuckles, and (sigh) probably toes, big ol’ Mr Potato Head scar on her belly, muscles atrophied, vent in her mouth, maybe unable to move a side of her body, or think clearly. Its for her, because I don’t know what she’ll remember, and ain’t that a kick in the teeth when you first wake up???
I’m afraid she won’t understand why the hell I’m bawling like an idiot to see her eyes open, when shes tring to figure out where the fuck her fingers went.
But seriously guys, I’m not that afraid. Like examinations, or taxes, you can dread em, but they come anyway.
Also, seriously guys, I mean what I say about the peace. I hear the rain coming down outside, and its going to be a beautiful day.
—
Little BJ. My sweet, sweet, perfect little critter. I’ll he holding you an about an hour. You might be late, because you’re coming back from that head CT, and we’ll see if the bleed is expansive. I hope not, but I’ll just be happy to see you.
I love you, BJ. I love you, pretty girl.
November 11th, 2006 at 9:28 am
I’m glad to hear you slept well last night. You need that. It’s good. Sleep.
November 11th, 2006 at 9:33 am
Dude, and maybe thats part of the reason I feel good. I feel loads better. I’m eating the rest of that republican cake you got, and drinking my java, and 28 minutes to go!
November 11th, 2006 at 9:44 am
??Republican cake??? What’s that? Cake that makes you big as an elephant?
November 11th, 2006 at 9:45 am
I hope there’s good news waiting after that CT scan. We’ll be waiting to hear.
You must be getting our rain today - it fell last night in Arkansas. Nice to go to sleep to.
November 11th, 2006 at 10:12 am
AT–
I’m MIA most of today. Bday party full of 7 year olds to go to. (OMG do you have any IDEA how much pink stuff is out there for 7 year old girls??? Woot! lol) Know I’m thinking of y’all and praying still. I’m SO glad you’re taking care of YOURSELF a little more. It’ll be necessary to get you through in one piece :) But… eat something better than a republician cake please? lol
November 11th, 2006 at 10:13 am
Here’s a rather inimpressive ‘it could be worse’. A hand without fingers is hard to work with and a foot without toes is hard to walk on, but the hand is still a hand and the foot is still a foot. Amputation will leave all the nerve endings and blood vessels cut cleanly, so prosthetics or transplants may, theoretically, be possible.
November 11th, 2006 at 10:40 am
Oh my gosh, did I miss something somewhere? AT, did she have to have her fingers and toes amputated? man… I’m at a loss here. But GB says the facts too. and these days they can rig it so that all she has to do is THINK about moving them - and they move! science is amazing. prayers still a flowin’…
November 11th, 2006 at 10:53 am
No, NOF, not yet.
Its OK, theres reams of stuff I’ve written, and you have to dig through miles of pathos to get to the facts.
Deal is, on her right hand (she’s left handed), she’s going to almost certainly lose the ends of three of her fingers. Just no circulation in them.
Her toes, theres more hope for, but there probably is dead tissue that’ll have to go.
She WILL need skin grafts on a few parts of her hands and arms. Her skin just kinda melted at some places, like where the cuff was, where lines had to go in, etc.
Mostly its because the pressors made sure that circulation took care of the organs first, and extremities second. I’ll totally take a BJ with a liver than a BJ with fingernails.
November 11th, 2006 at 10:54 am
Also, I am totally into the idea of biological robotics, and now I’ll do whatever I can to make sure that she’s got whatever the best thing available is, because I love gadgets.
If it works well enough, I may have finger replacement done too!
November 11th, 2006 at 10:55 am
AT, don’t worry too much about what she’ll remember. My mom was on a vent for a week and when she woke up, she was so drugged that she spelled out on the alphabet board that there was no TV in her room b/c they wanted to charge $30 a day for it. Not so…and while she was conscious with the vent still in, she was well enough to watch FoodTV (of all things) and write down recipes for when she had it removed and could eat again. Then, after they removed it, voila’, almost no memory at all from the vent. GAC will be weak, but she’s young, and the physical therapy is wonderful.
A small suggestion for when GAC wakes up…a small, portable DVD player and a stack of funny movies. Did my mom a world of good.
November 11th, 2006 at 10:57 am
Thats a great idea! She’s a movie gal, where I’m more a music boy.
November 11th, 2006 at 11:19 am
We’ve got the Shins playing here. Good music.
November 11th, 2006 at 11:25 am
Speaking of music…have you played any music for her? When my sister in law was in a coma, we had a little cd player in her room with all her favorite cd’s. While there was no miraculous moment where she woke up singing “Little Red Corvette” she did seem to respond to the tunes. Music is such a huge part of your lives and it might just be able to reach a part of her brain that normal conversation can’t. I’m no neurologist, nor do I play one on tv, but I do seem to remember reading something about how the brain stores memories of sounds in a different way or place than memories of events or facts. Anyway, just a thought. The music might help open a different door than just talking to her or holding her. But then, I’m sure you have already thought of that.
November 11th, 2006 at 11:28 am
Yes, I have. I was kinda waiting for her body to start getting over the infection and stuff, before I start using music to wake her. I mean, I kinda don’t want to wake her up yet, because it doesn’t feel quite time yet.
Man, that makes no sense. Still tho, I have Bos and Eaves ipod and speaker on reserve if we need it, loaded up with a bunch of her favorite music.
November 11th, 2006 at 11:38 am
Mmmmmm iPod. My iPod is my antidepressant! I wonder if I could write off my downloads as medical expenses?
November 11th, 2006 at 11:42 am
Say… if you can, lemme know how, and since the insurance is picking up so much of the tab here, mebbe I can squeeze in one myself…
November 11th, 2006 at 12:03 pm
Bionic fingernails? Who knew?
November 11th, 2006 at 3:46 pm
Inspector Gadget, dude.
November 12th, 2006 at 2:15 pm
Praying total healing and restoration for your wife in the Holy Ghost power of the name of Jesus with the cleansing blood of Jesus. Thank you, Lord Jesus.
Humbleservant3
Dennis