November 11th, 2006 by Atomictumor
Is what I was doing. Yesterday, I had all these songs that made perfect titles, but not so much today.
I’m a lil sleepy.
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The boys came home today, along with my two sisters, their husbands, my 11 yr old sister (I guess that’d technically be the third sister), and 3 young kids. The peace is gone, but its nice, except I’m tired. Coffee’ll fix that.
—
We had a nice meal at the Time Out Deli in town. Hamburger and onion rings, and I was able to eat the whole thing! So much for the grief weight loss, huh?
Still not sure about Pigpen. Yesterday morning he woke up with a big ol headache, and was dry heaving. I wonder if he’s mimicing one of his mothers last actions, or if he was really doing it. If so, its a first.
He’s loud, he’s pushing limits. He’s stubborn.
Jen’s reading over my sholder, and says that Pigpen was for real. Poor guy. He seems to feel fine now, so good. I sure do love him.
MastaG is out playing. He kept awfully close to me at the deli, but he’s OK running around, after making me roll my eyes at him with the complaint that “Pigpen got all the good toys” in the bag. Theres no pleasing a punk ass 10 yr old.
I’m laughing at them now. Family is cool.
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Mom’s coming up tomorrow, I think, and staying for a week or so. That’ll be cool. The solitude was nice, but its not life.
—
I missed the 1 PM show, and didn’t have my phones, so I was stressing just a hair. BJ’s dad called as soon as I got home (actually, as soon as I picked the phone up, another one of those little synchronicities I notice when I pay attention) and told me that she’s fine. No word evidently on the head ct, down on the steroids (which I forgot all about), vent breathing down to 16 instead of 24ish, because she’s taking deeper breaths.
This is all so reassuring, but sometimes I stare into space and think about how awful this all is. That poor girl. She didn’t deserve it, but who does. I’d take it away, and put it on myself a thousand fold, but I can’t.
So I try to do what she would have me do, and just enjoy. Love the boys. Laugh with family.
I love her. I love her so much. This isn’t easier, I’m just more able to cope.
Enough with the emo. Gonna find some fun, now. See you at the 3, baby.
I love you!
November 11th, 2006 at 2:07 pm
” . . . he’s pushing limits. He’s stubborn.”
Like father, like son.
November 11th, 2006 at 2:17 pm
Atomic– I don’t even know how I found this, but I have spent the last hour riveted here. I’m a writer, which usually explains my voyuer-esque interest in other people’s lives, but this is very different.
I am also a 50 year old Christian liberal mother of two girls (14 and 10) living in the leafy suburbs of Nashville married for 30 years to a gospel singer– holy shit, my life looks unrecognizably weird on paper! I am saying this by way of introduction, since you have inadvertently allowed me into your sphere–or at least the written record of your sphere. If we passed one another in Krogers we would possibly do one of those perfuntory nods that you sometimes do to acknowledge a passing stranger. But because of your willingness to chronicle your pain, this passing stranger who, against-all-odds-and-in-spite-of-eveything truly believes in God, is going to be be literally speaking your name and your beloved BJ’s name out loud and in my heart . I will ask for healing for your family, and grace to strengthen and carry you through this surrealistic nightmare. And I will ask for mercy for your boys– mercy from a Father who knows something about loss and redemption.
Your love for your wife is palpable. It is holy ground.
Thank you for allowing me, a stranger, to bear witness to it.
Tori
November 11th, 2006 at 3:49 pm
Thanks Tori! That was touching.
We’re all together, whether we know it or not.
November 11th, 2006 at 9:15 pm
Wow. Not much to add after Tori’s comment, I’m touched as well.
I just wanted to say that being surrounded by family is good, and just because you feel a few moments of happiness and laughter, doesn’t mean you have to feel guilty for not grieving. It’s ok. We all know you hurt, we all know that pain is constant, that GAC is always on your mind and in your heart–but it’s ok for you to live as well. You deserve those moments, so embrace them unapologetically.
You continue to be the most vigilant, most sincere and dedicated husband. You are a rock.
November 11th, 2006 at 9:32 pm
I am constantly amazed and impressed, AT.