Engineer, slow down this old train
November 12th, 2006 by Atomictumor
Mutations by Beck is an understated record. It came after the goofy blast of Odelay and Mellow Gold (not to mention the goofier lo-fi blast of two of his best records, but I’ll let you find those out for yourself), and was considered his sit-down-on-the-porch-and-have-a-sweet-tea record. Or something.
Its melancholy, deliberate, still stream of consciousness ramblings (which he’d start giving up after this record), but twangs with a “slow down” thinking.
Its appropriate for now, as I’ve stolen a few minutes after the 5:30 show, and while Mom has the boys at the park.
—
I can detect the big D coming from a mile away. I have depressodar, built in, and finely honed. Theres not much that can be done when its coming. I’ve not had to take medication in many years. Usually just some meditation, reflection, good music, loving wife and family, and I’m back up and running. It never has me nearly as down as it used to (those mental hospital days), when I’d carve “HATE” into my arm, and pretend I’m in a box on the side of the interstate.
(Yeah, I’d have to explain that last one, but I won’t. I’ve not really explained it to BJ, not that she was asking. I guess you had to be there.)
Anyway, its in town today, and its taking in the sights. I sound chipper in the posts, and can fool you all day long with my writing, but I can’t change the expression on my face very easily, and it takes a lot of doing to look up from the spot on the ground about 4 feet in front of me as I walk.
I figure, since I’ve not let my conscious mind beat up on me, my subconscious has stepped up to the bat. Bully.
I’m out of things to tell BJ, and my voice has a hard time repeating what I’ve already told her, so I hold her. I nuzzle her. I whisper the song lyrics in her ear. I bite her earlobe (lightly, c’mon people). I rub her body.
I peeked under the right hand today, and it doesn’t look as bad on her palm as on her… uh… upper palm? what do you call that part of your hand on the top? Anyway, it doesn’t look too bad.
—
Had to pause, as Mom and the kids got back. Pigpen is sleepy, and very fussy. They threw rocks in the water at the park on Melton Hill in town, and did something mysterious with the ducks that Mom was going to have Pigpen tell me, but he was too busy fussing. We suggested bath, and he’s much happier. He is now playing in there. Pizza Hut is bringing us a couple of pies (yes, you New York and Chicago people, the selection in Oak Ridge, TN, is rather limited).
What was I saying about her? That the toes are probably going to go, but the nurse tells me that God may fix em? Maybe. Her fingers too. They’re in pretty bad shape on that right hand. I didn’t care before, but I kinda do now. Why the hell can’t she wake up whole? She’ll be in all sorts of pain, and now digits?
Ah, well. Can’t be fixed by me.
The beauty sustained me last week, but in my present state of mind, its not really that I can’t see it, its just that I don’t care. Thats the nasty thing about depression, is that you just don’t care to bring yourself up, suck it up, and keep going.
I’d take a vacation, but…
—
Her parents were there today, but I didn’t raise my eyes to look at them. The nurse said that they saw an eye moving under the eyelid, which I think is brain stem activity at this point (although I’ve seen the tiniest things, I think, that make me thing she’s more in control than I’d think), but I didn’t really care. Her Mom cried as they left, and it might have been my fault, just for not talking, and being excited.
As I walked out, I barely noticed BJ’s dad talking on the phone near the exit. I ignored him and kept walking. He didn’t notice me, but probably saw me. I’ve always been close with them, but distant. They’d give the shirt of their back for me, and I’d probably do the same, but I don’t know what makes em tick.
Anyway, I walked out, and made it to the roof of the parking garage (which is where I’ve liked to park for the past while), and realized that I was being an ass. I was wallowing in my self pity, having a little emo time, and they didn’t deserve that.
I went back downstairs to tell him “hi”, but he was gone.
—
I love you, BJ. I hope you enjoy the music. Good night!
November 12th, 2006 at 7:02 pm
Your honesty, spirit take my breath away AT.
I hope your depression doesn’t get a chance to take hold (I’d send you some Australian sunshine, but it’s raining here right now). Being so open about it is good, really good.
And don’t be down on yourself, BJ’s parent’s know how things are….
You’ve touched my heart. Thank you.
November 12th, 2006 at 7:06 pm
Talk to the doctors sooner than later about your own health. You are too important to be neglected.
November 12th, 2006 at 7:11 pm
AT,
Please be sure and talk to someoneas soon as possible. My husband is BiP and my oldest daughter also. She was hospitalized at 14 and 17 for cutting (and other stuff), so I think I understand. There are such wonderful meds out there that are new that can help you stay strong for your wife and your kids. It is so important you remember to take care of yourself. Do it for them.
Prayers from here.
Vickie
November 12th, 2006 at 7:31 pm
AT,
I personally know how depression can take a hold of you. I am on medication for it now. Keep yourself in good health for BJ. Be strong. I’m sending lots of love and thoughts for you and BJ tonight.
November 12th, 2006 at 7:41 pm
Nah. Like I said, I’ve been down this road before, and I’m sure I’ll know when to cut my losses and find medication. I don’t like the sacrifices in my head when I’m on the meds. I know where to find them, and for the boy’s sake I’ll be using them if I have to. Right now, day one or two of it, I’m not too worried.
Thanks for the concern. I won’t lie to you folks about this.
November 12th, 2006 at 7:49 pm
http://twloha.com/home.php
Here’s hoping that you can write love on your arms, instead of carving hate.
I understand.
November 12th, 2006 at 7:51 pm
You know your body best. I trust you. I just thought you would like to know, if it has been awhile since you’ve been on meds, that there are some new ones that don’t have as bad side effects. My hubby was just diagnosed a month ago, so we are finding out the new stuff (compared to what my daughter had available to her 5 years ago). Just so you know. If you want, email me and I will tell you what its called.
November 12th, 2006 at 8:13 pm
ok, so meds aside, talk to someone who can help you with what you are feeling…no one should go through something like this without all the help they can get. some of the advice you get here may be great, but professional help from someone trained is a good idea. we are here to help you with all the encouragement we can muster….and we will stay as long as you need us.
November 12th, 2006 at 9:04 pm
AT, much love to you, man. Hang in there. I understand the depression. I really do. And with your recent, um, re-faithy-ness, I have a music suggestion. John Davis (of Superdrag) put out the most amazing CD I heard last year. go get it. hell, I’ll go get it for you. Its pure rock and roll. Great music. But with a beautiful faithfullness spin to it. When I am feeling the depression hit, it just really makes me feel good. Let me know if you want me to send it. You’re a stranger, yet, not, and I would gladly send it to help.
November 12th, 2006 at 9:18 pm
In my opinion, you are within your rights to try to stay away from medication. Sunshine (when available) and the company of young kids should be powerful substitutes for meds.
Having been depressed as a teenager does not necessarily mean you are going to be depressed for life (being a teenager is a special situation that many people have trouble dealing with). However, after what you have experienced over the past 10 days, it is hardly necessary to have a history of depression to be “hearing the big D coming” — depression seems like a perfectly normal response to the stuff you have been dealing with. Do find yourself a professional counselor to talk with — note that there are plenty of ‘em who are not licensed to dole out meds…
November 12th, 2006 at 9:19 pm
At–
I suffer from depression as well so I know the path you’re on. If you need someone to listen or commisserate (or however ya spell it) Just send an email hon. We’re all here for you.
November 12th, 2006 at 9:27 pm
Ok, I’m sure I’ll be tarred and feathered for this, but I speak from experience and from the heart. I feel it needs to be said and wish someone had been bold enough to say it to me. Try your best to suck it up! You can control it. I know I’ve been there. For me (and I stress FOR ME) medicine was only a way for the dueling pharmacies to make money. It served it’s purpose until I was able to work diligently to focus on my mental well-being. It’s been imperitive FOR ME to remember this phrase, “It is what it is.” You may find once you HONESTLY reliquish control over the situation, the veil of depression is lifted. I may be completely wrong about you in your situation. I only speak from my own experience, and am saying what I wish was said to me. I no longer strive to climb out of the deep hole of depression. I am able everyday to choose my fate, and let what is be exactly that. I can only control me. I’m sorry if I’ve angered anyone. I am truly only trying to help.
November 12th, 2006 at 9:40 pm
You don’t know me, but I know you, now that I’ve read your journal of feelings and emotions. I go to church with BJ’s parents and know the situation at hand. I laughed, I cried, reading your thoughts. Everyone goes through difficult times and trials, but you’ve been handed a heavy dose. No words of wisdom or instruction. Just words of care and concern. I’m praying for you. For you. For BJ. That peace, that everyone talks of that God gives you during a severe time of need. That peace that passes all understanding. That’s my prayer for you.
November 12th, 2006 at 9:42 pm
Actually, Anon (I’m gonna name you Chuck), I’m in 100% agreement. One of my original beefs with medicine is that the entire medical system in America is designed around making the pharmecutical companies all sorts of money. Yes, doctors care, and I’d say administrators care, but when it boils down, the movers and the shakers are the bottom line. Its capitalism. Not saying its bad (it’s bad) and not saying its good (its not good), but just the way it is.
That said, as I said above, I know my limits. Pretty damn well. I’m not going to hit rock bottom and then decide that I’ll do the meds. If I need them to stabilize my noggin until I wrap it around the reality of the situation, I won’t hesitate to use them.
However, I’d like to avoid that if possible. I mean, it was rainy the past couplea days.
November 12th, 2006 at 9:43 pm
Allisone, before I forget, thats a pretty damn cool story.
November 12th, 2006 at 9:46 pm
Anon (Chuck) No blasting from my end. Some people ARE able to handle depression that way. A big part of the problem is RECOGNIZING that you are going through a depression. If you can do that, you can lick it. I, unfortunately, lack the ability to do that until someone (usually my husband) smacks me upside the head while he’s handing me a bottle of Zoloft… (I have anxiety issues as well…lucky me heh)
November 12th, 2006 at 9:55 pm
AT, even Grandma is medicated now (Effexor), and me and Big Pharma are tight. Do what you need to do, get a UV light to strap to your head or something, but don’t you dare let yourself slip. (Just trying to strengthen your resolve.) You are far too important to this whole situation to be taken out of the picture by your own problems because, though it might not look it, GAC needs you.
November 12th, 2006 at 9:56 pm
I completely understand that, Tessa. Thank you for recognizing my “brand” of crazy. LOL
November 12th, 2006 at 11:02 pm
Hey Anon,
Know where you are coming from. Fought the meds big-time with my daughter from the time she was 8yo. Worked in the industry for 20 years, I know how they push the meds. Have had some severe depression myself, did the antideperssant route myself and it did not work. I still have to stop myself from saying to my daughter and husband, “suck it up” “been very depressed myself and only you can make you better” seriousely, sometimes I want to scream….life is hard, I know but you can overcome. Its how I feel, but NOWI know from years of experience, that plan doesnt work for everyone. If not for medication, I probably would not still have a daughter, I know that. Some people have it different. I don’t necessarily understand myself, but now I understand and accept it.
November 12th, 2006 at 11:49 pm
AT,
I’ve been reading for days, thinking about you, running to the computer to check for updates (even the kids know, and ask for news when they see me checking), and praying for you, but haven’t commented yet. We’re no strangers to depression here–my husband struggles with it daily and was hospitalized last year. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with that on top of everything else. My husband does better when he talks about it, so I believe doing what you’re doing here is the best thing of all. There are lots of us listening and lots of us who care, whether you know us or not. In some ways you are always alone, going through something like this, but I hope you can pull some strength from the concern of so many people and from God. When I feel all alone I use this as my mantra (it’s Tennyson, IIRC): “Cast your cares on God; that anchor holds.”
November 12th, 2006 at 11:54 pm
Via..via..via…I’m not sure the true source, but it speaks volumes:
Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
November 13th, 2006 at 12:18 am
AT, I’m still checking your blog every few hours and you and your family are very much in my thoughts. Sometimes depression is brought on by stress and nothing but medication will help. The doctor explained it to me as like insulin for my body.
I agree with the poster above about the light. A visit to a tanning bed works wonders for me.
I can’t tell you how much respect and admiration I have for you. Good luck with going back to work.
November 13th, 2006 at 4:35 pm
about her parents—
they probably understand more than you think– about your need to not make small talk, etc. they of all people can understand– so you shouldn’t beat yourself up for thinking that you are slighting them or whatever— just do your best with them.
thinking of you and praying for you.
November 13th, 2006 at 5:57 pm
Nah. Its like a day to day and minute by minute thing, man. My moods change so quickly and unpredicatbly, I go from giddy, to paranoid, like pretty quick.
or something like that…