November 12th, 2006 by Atomictumor
So, its been a hectic morning. Jen and I went out to the 10 o’clock show, and hooked up the iPod. The first song was Sweet Virginia by the Rolling Stones, which made a certain amount of sense, and just sounded good.
The other day, I was prepared to wait the weeks it might take for her to open her eyes, but now that I’m tired, I’m not. I’m impatient, and weak.
We went to church today. First time for Sunday service for me in oh, about 15 years. I grew up catholic, and went to Bos’s Episcopalian church, and they’re pretty much the same. I still remembered most of the word!
I felt completely alone there. No offense, if church goers are reading, I appreciated the friendly chats and handshakes, but trying to get into a community like that at a time like this just doesn’t work. Hell, I’m an introvert my nature anyway, when I want to be.
The boys are with me, and we’re alone, which I’m liking. Mom’s still coming up, which might be a good thing, but I’m eager to begin regular life. Thing is, I don’t think things like working and jobs will fly without her help, to take the kids to school, and so I can leave for work early.
Still planning on being there bright and early tomorrow morning. Still not looking very forward to it, but I’m not sure why. I guess it would acknowledge that we’re agreed that life can go on without BJ.
The kids and I went to the 1 o’clock show.
No change.
—
Setting: Inside AT’s head
Id: AhHHHHHAAHAAHA. I WANT HER. SHE MUST WAKE UP NOW AND HOLD ME. AHHAHHAHHAHAHHAHAHAH. THIS IS NOT COOL, YOU GUYS. AHAHAHHAHAH. WAKE UP BJ! WAKE UP DAMMIT! WAKE UP NOW!
Ego: Dude. Seriously. Wow. I mean, damn.
Superego: This is all for a reason. There is goodness happening because of her pain. She’s going to get better, because God will allow it. She is hurting, and she will hurt, but it will serve a higher purpose.
Ego: Dude. Seriously? Damn.
Id: WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? THATS THE DUMBEST THING I’VE EVER HEARD! SHE’S HURTING AND NOT WITH ME AND THERES A REASON? GOOD? HOW BOUT THIS FOR GOOD… HERES SOME GOOD FOR YOU.. SHUT… THE… HELL… UP…
THERES YOUR FREAKIN GOOD. LOSER.
Ego: Dude. Settle down. Peace, man, peace.
Superego: No, ego, let him talk. He’s wrong. Actually, he doesn’t exist. There. La la la la la la la la la la, I don’t see an id.
Id: STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID SPU.. I MEAN STUPID…
Superego: la la la la la la la la la la la la la la. I don’t hear an id. I don’t hear an id. I don’t hear an id. la la la la la la la la la la la la
Ego: OK, OK, enough. Settle down. Lets just take a nap.
Id: CAN I HAVE A SNACK FIRST?
Superego: Oh, you’re fat enough.
Ego: Dude, superego, thats not cool. Yes, lets have a snack, and put a movie on for the boys.
Id: OH SHIT, I FORGOT THE BOYS.
Superego: Oh shit, I did too. Sorry boys!
Fade.
—
I love you baby. I wish this would be faster, but I’ll hold out my hand forever. It’ll never waver. I love you.
November 12th, 2006 at 2:23 pm
I think your id and superego need relationship counselling, AT.
November 12th, 2006 at 2:45 pm
this sounds like the inside of my head! on a daily basis! hahaha seriously, AT, hang in there man. one way or another, you will find a way to deal with it all. I promise. Maybe not today,but it will happen. hang in there hang in there hang in there!
November 12th, 2006 at 2:55 pm
I second NOP - you are going to be just fine. Just go with the flow for now, you WILL have normalcy again. :)
November 12th, 2006 at 2:56 pm
Keep the faith and keep your positive attitude, but remember you are human and you need to take care of your feelings through all this. I will continue to keep your family in my prayers!
November 12th, 2006 at 3:13 pm
I do wish I had something profound to say. Something insightful and comforting. I’ll echo everyone else. Hang in there. I don’t think you’ll lose GAC’s posse anytime soon. As I’ve been reading all this since Nov 1, I’ve become so much more grateful and thankful of what I have. (oh, we’re over in 4th and gill in Knoxville. Hubby grew up in Oak Ridge. not that any of that matters.) Prayers and god karma from across town.
November 12th, 2006 at 3:14 pm
(I can’t type. make that “good karma” but if god wants to through some karma your way, cool)
November 12th, 2006 at 4:02 pm
Yeah, 4th and Gill is a good area! We’ve always dug the housing style down there, its about the only soul that Knoxville has (that I’ve found).
Part of what I want to do is make you grateful. I’ve lost sight of that in my emotional fatigue lately, but I’m glad its working.
God karma would probably be pretty cool too…
NOP, I’m dealing now. If this is how the dealing works, its OK. I get worn out, and it gets harder. If I sleep well, and eat decently, its a lot better
November 12th, 2006 at 4:16 pm
I think it is healthy and insightful of you to realized that all of these thoughts /emotions can be inside your head at the same time. I am constantly impressed and amazed at how you are dealing with this.
November 12th, 2006 at 4:17 pm
I can’t even fathom how difficult this is for you. I hope you find strength. No, I KNOW you’ll find strength to deal with this - it is in your love for BJ.
Hang in there.
November 12th, 2006 at 4:48 pm
Tell Id, Superego and Ego that they are damn funny.
November 12th, 2006 at 5:42 pm
WAH! I wanna join the posse!! I have a gun and a horse………… If you can’t have more than one Christina that’s cool ‘cuz I can change my name to GumBYLuver1. TeeHeeHee.
Wishing you and your family peace………..
November 12th, 2006 at 6:06 pm
It wasn’t Jesus who went on about original sin and the sacrifice he was going to make. He talked about loving his father, and taking care of one another. God booted the whole human family out of Eden, kind of deported out, and not welcome back until some exceptionally perfect act of sacrifice gets made by one of us to get us all requalified forever. Since we aren’t capable of that perfect act, and since the Father really did want us back, but couldn’t just forget about it, He had to make the sacrifice by sending his own son to us, to be one of us, as the only way to get the sacrifice made. I think just putting up with the Apostles for 3 years would have been sacrifice enough, but Jesus went all the way, drank the cup dry, reopened the gates for us. Now when we turn to Jesus, it’s like the airport arrival, you go through the final door, and there are banners and joyful faces and welcoming arms, just for you. Try to keep your faith down to the simplest basics, that is where the bedrock is, from which all the rhetoric and logical projections stem, and sometimes get pretty far out there. WE do admire our big brains and our ability to build logical staircases, that sometimes lead nowhere useful. In 2000 years, we have built some pretty impressive staircases, and enshrined the builders as saints. Maybe they help you climb to where God sits, maybe they just lead you off somewhere.
For a person with a soft and gentle heart just newly opened to the love of the Almighty, keep it simple. Just let him love you and love him back. Keep talking to Him, ask Him how he wants you to worship him. He’ll send you in the direction he wants you to go, and if it doesn’t feel like you are being pointed anywhere in particular, then at the moment, he is just enjoying your company and your talks and doesn’t require more from you. You are doing his work as a loving father, teaching your boys about what loving is, loving a woman, loving a child, accepting the joys and aggravations of being part of a family and a community. As a father, you set their notions of what the word means, and therefore what God means, and what authority means, and all such stuff. So that is your job.
November 12th, 2006 at 7:45 pm
Thanks a lot Sue! Yeah, I’m just being open. I’m impatient, with this, as with so many things.
November 12th, 2006 at 7:59 pm
Sue, that gave me goosebumps. Sometimes a little of a different perspective can really go a long ways. I always kind of thought you were smart, but I guess now I’m convinced.
November 12th, 2006 at 11:37 pm
Can’t wait for the rest of the plays to unfold. Keep it up, you’re doing a great job here.
and Sue, thanks for posting those kind words and thoughts. You are truly inspired.