November 14th, 2006 by Atomictumor
Howdy folks!
I slept through the 3 o’clock show, which is rapidly become the show of choice for grieving and sleepy husbands to miss. I don’t think BJ minds, but this would be the time of day we’d be having a beer and talking about our days.
Man, the normal things seem so long ago. I mean, its just coming on two weeks now, but its like talking about the house you used to live in, thinking about things like smiling at her as she pulled her van in after coming back from school. Or looking forward to seeing her at lunch. Things like that, that this whole thing has put on hold.
Instead, normal is becoming normal without her. I lamented that (all over again) last weekend, that group acknowledgement that we’re all just going to go back to our stuff and catch her up when she gets back. I’m more OK with it now, particularly that I’m making a change like working from home, some clear delineation that says “this is what is different without you, BJ”. I like that.
I know that as the sun drops, so will my resolve. Thats irritating. Tomorrow’s gonna be a rainy day, that’ll probably do it too. Sigh. Poor ol AT just has no emo control…
—
Little B, this thing just doesn’t stop, does it? I know you’ll wake up again, maybe in a week, or a few weeks. I know when you wake up, you’ll be drained, and a shadow of yourself, but I’ll love you out of it.
If that makes sense.
Sweet one, I’ll see you in about an hour.
November 14th, 2006 at 5:15 pm
It makes perfect sense.
November 14th, 2006 at 5:17 pm
Hey AT. have you considered some UV lights in your house? It might help a bit with the emo ups and downs that come with the sun going down. I had a friend in Alaska and they knew people who wore hats w/ UV lights during the long nights to thwart off depression. Just a thought. hang in there. There will be resolve at some point. It’s hard living in limbo though, I know.
November 14th, 2006 at 5:31 pm
Uh, actually I think you want lights *without* UV, unless you’re looking to get skin cancer and cataracts. You want fluorescent white light.
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/seasonal-affective-disorder/MH00023
November 14th, 2006 at 5:32 pm
When we were living in displacement, it was amazing to me how little time went by before I could not remember what “normal” life was like. We took to calling it “new normal” or “Katrina-normal”. But you have to go on living, even when life throws you those huge curve balls. Nights are always hard. You can keep busy during the working day, the “light” day. It’s the evening when the brain goes into overdrive and you start thinking too much.
Just keep that life going on so that she can ease right back in…
November 14th, 2006 at 5:48 pm
joel has a point … this summer i braved a membership at the local tanning salon to prepare my pasty skin for a week at the beach. i was quite the fish out of water but i did notice after a few weeks that i was feeling more … chipper. and it wasn’t because of my new spectacular tan because, goodness knows, a tan only helps so much. i actually researched and found out too that that crazy warm bed was likely healing my regularly broken mood. i thought about trying to get a dr’s prescription to pay for my tanning membership … don’t think it’s THAT theraputic (why do i keep using that word today?). however, when i am down and it’s night i don’t know if any amount of light would help … i’d still know it’s night and i’d still be down. did i just disagree with everything i was agreeing with?
November 14th, 2006 at 5:50 pm
here and still failing to find the right words. but still reading, and hoping right along with you.
November 14th, 2006 at 6:00 pm
Joel, yes! Les stands corrected! A florescent white light. Sorry she gave bunk info; she’s scatter brained. But it’s ok, she knows it!
Robbin, where are you from? As my name implies, I Iive in NOLA (well, Metairie anyway). I’m living la vida PK everyday too. Not nearly as bad as some others though. The jury is still out on life PK in NOLA for me though. I don’t see the powers that be as having their priorities straight in any way shape or form, so it won’t get fixed until they do. A sad situation. And to think of the possibilities…
November 14th, 2006 at 6:04 pm
Whatever you do, AT, don’t sit staring at a computer/TV in a dark room. That’s depressing even when you don’t have legitimate troubles.
November 14th, 2006 at 6:20 pm
New Orleans Friend: I was in Slidell - in the Pinehurst subdivision. Took 7 feet of flood surge damage to my home and pretty much lost everything. To cap it off, my place of employment was the government research facility in Lakeview. I lost my life’s research when we lost power there for over 4 months. My husband worked for Tulane - he kept his job, but had to quit when we relocated permanently. I consider myself one of the lucky ones. I was insured - even flood, though getting them to pay out was a “challenge”. So, by February, I had a new house and new job in a new city. I am now outside of Little Rock, AR. The intervening six months, however, was a real bitch. My son was exactly two months old when Katrina hit. I was still on maternity leave.
So that’s about me, and I am trying not to hijack. :-)
I will never forget, however, the decency of strangers and how we can touch each other just by the basic humanity of saying “I care, I am there, I am thinking of you”. That’s the best way Katrina changed my life. And that is why I am here and praying that GAC is going to get a little touch of that grace…
November 14th, 2006 at 6:29 pm
Love her out of it. Thats beautiful!
November 14th, 2006 at 6:38 pm
Hmmm… I think the guy with the clipboard would REALLY have something to complain about if he saw you “loving her out of it”……..
Damn I’m funny.
November 14th, 2006 at 6:46 pm
AT,
I haven’t posted a message in awhile since it is hard for me to read all this - but I’m continuing to think about your wife, you, your kids, and your family. I am keeping you in my thoughts and hoping that she awakens soon. I’m sorry you have to go through all this.
November 14th, 2006 at 7:01 pm
AT –
I just want to let you know that I’m still here with you and yours. Even though I haven’t made many comments, I’ve been frequently (that’s a gross understatement) checking in since Nov. 4 when I first bumped into your site. This morning I spent quite a while reading all of GAC’s posts that are still available on the Atomictumor. I just love that girl. A smart talking, movie loving, tattle-tell is definitely my kind of gal. It’s no wonder that you’re so crazy about her. I printed out a copy of that picture of BJ that you included in a post one day last week. It’s about the size of a postage stamp, and I taped it to the pencil box on my desk. Now BJ is not only in my mind, she is in my view. Keep hugging those boys, and if you get a chance, tell BJ she is in my thoughts and that I’m looking forward to her next post.
- Kathy in Brentwood
November 14th, 2006 at 7:12 pm
Just here to remind you that we are sitting, waiting, wishing with you.
November 14th, 2006 at 7:26 pm
I’ve just finished reading everything between October 30 until now. I can’t tell you how difficult it was to get through it. My wife and I know what every one of those numbers mean. My only “advice” tonight is continue to not eat that crap the neurologists feed you. You’ve done well so far and better than I would. GAC can make it back HOME - just the way your knew her before. We know that for a fact! Continue the music therapy. Read to her. Treat her like sleeping beauty. I honestly don’t want to give you false hope but hope Is what it Is. Faith, Hope, and Love, my friend. The Big Three. And you got ‘em all.
November 14th, 2006 at 8:55 pm
listen to bennie - i don’t know what he knows but it sounds like he knows something. sleeping beauty, yes! he’s on to something.
November 14th, 2006 at 9:40 pm
Wow, you guys are awesome.
OK, lemme start at the top, because I want to get back with everybody:
White light: yes. I think that helps a LOT. I tend to be a gloomy doomy hang out in a dark atmospheric room kinda guy, and that doesn’t help. However, I also think a lot of my problems is fatigue. I had a nap today, and I feel pretty darn good now.
New Orleans: All my life I’ve felt insulated from disaster. I live in a tornado/flood/earthquake free (well, as much as can be) zone, and never had to deal with disaster. I have a well adjusted family, so beside the emotional troubles we had as teenagers, we’ve never had any tragedy. I’ve never been to a funeral of somebody I love.
I felt horrible for you guys (was working in insurance sales, of all industries, when it happened, got out shortly afterward), but it was images on a TV.
I appreciate you being here. I guess it takes a tragedy in my life to fully appreciate what it means in others, and I think it means a lot to me for you guys to give a rats ass about my problems now. Furthermore, I think the whole ‘pay it forward’ thing will be an enormous part of my life. So, hijack away.
Bullet: so funny i forgot to laugh
Bob: Its OK man. I know you care, and I know its hard. Don’t do anything that hurts, if the wounds are still too fresh, let them scab a bit. I appreciate it just the same, dude.
Indemom: Its great to see you again! I’ll be thinking of your pencil box all day tomorrow, thats very sweet.
Bennie: I’m OK. The neurologist really hasn’t been feeding crap. I’m dwelling on worst case scenarios (and I apologize for not making that clearer), but all they’ve told me is “?”. They don’t know.
Dude, her left hand, her writing hand, the hand she draws with, is unhurt. Her body is healing. That is God’s touch. I trust him, and its hard for somebody who was a professed agnostic for over a decade to admit, but I have faith. If not in God, than in BJ.
And yes, I call her sleeping beauty every day. She’s an angel.