November 15th, 2006 by Atomictumor
So, I got there for the 8:30 show just in time to meet BJ’s folks in the hall. They told me they were going to stick around until she was out, and the first thing that rolled out of my mouth was
“I don’t think thats a good idea”
I’m stressing about her folks, and worrying about their sleep, and eating, and stuff. I have to cut them off, I fear, because I can’t stress about them anymore without sounding like an ass. BJ’s folks, I sure do love you, and I hope we all get through this together. I hope you understand that my not being there all the time is because I simply can’t do it. I have to ground myself in the house, and I have to look after the boys.
They’re still there, I’d think. The doc was going to call me when BJ gets out of surgery, so I’d imagine my baby is in there now. Unconscious, having her sweet neck cut for a tube to be inserted. Its for the best, because the tube in her mouth is ugly, has to be causing bacterial problems, and most certainly is hurting her poor teeth.
In addition to the neck, they’ll be working on that poor hand. My little girl. I held that hand a month ago yesterday for our renewal. Ahh, isn’t life weird.
—
After talking to BJ’s folks, I took off down the hall and saw her. The surgical team had just gotten there to set her up. Dr Cross was there, after a long ass’d day in surgery. They were ready to roll. Mom, Bos, and I got the hell out after giving her a kiss, and I watched her get wheeled away at around 9.
—
We talked about the nature of faith and God, among other things, tonight. I’m still having that old rational problem with the Bible, and the fact that a book written, even by God himself, through men 2000+ years ago and seven or eight languages ago is supposed to be considered holy. Seems to me that a lot of Christians worship the Bible, as Muslims do the Koran. I don’t see the sense.
Yeah, I’ve always thought the central themes of forgiveness, peace, and love in the Bible work no matter what your theological or philosophical bend is. Thats God right there, yes, but I don’t see how Bibles or churches, full of people who aren’t trying very hard to see God, get you there.
Seems that organized religion is about telling you what the answers are, but to me, the point is trying to see what the questions are. I don’t think the answers are forthcoming, and I think when you think you’ve got them, you’ve lost the trail.
But its late, my girl is unconscious, and my mind is rambling. I don’t know. My faith-thing is newly born, and I’m planning on keeping as open as a man can be toward it for the rest of my day.
—
I look at BJ, and think of her uninjured left hand, and think that God is there, working something. I don’t think we’ll lose her.
Don’t get me wrong. Odds are astronomical that she’ll be another vegatable. Odds were astronomical last week that she’d die. More doctors have told me that they’ve never seen anybody as sick as her live.
What a testament. Yes, its BJs indominatable strength, but it has to be more than that. She’ll be back with us.
But if she isn’t, and doesn’t, then we will all go on without her. We’ll remember her, I’ll hold her in my heart until my dying day, and then I’ll be with her again.
—
Ah, but the worst case scenario has never happened, eh? Why expect it now?
Sweet little B. I’m waiting on the phone call to tell me that you’re alright, just as your parents are waiting in the hospital. We’re being strong for you, and we love you, my girl, we love you so much.
There is nothing to fear, nothing to doubt.
November 15th, 2006 at 10:40 pm
That’s right. Nothing to fear, nothing to doubt. It’s not for me to explain my faith, but please know that I have faith. With it, I’ll pray for GAC. Life is sometimes miraculous, sometimes cruel. Sometimes both at the same time. Sending you love.
November 15th, 2006 at 11:01 pm
I don’t know how you do this. And I don’t know what to say except that I wanted you to know that there is one more person out there wanting your Lady Love to wake up.
November 15th, 2006 at 11:20 pm
Still here, just wanted you to know.
November 15th, 2006 at 11:22 pm
Just checking in. I am still thinking about you all and wishing you all the best.
November 15th, 2006 at 11:33 pm
My thoughts are with BJ right now as I hope this surgery goes well and helps to resolve whatever is raising her temperature. I’ve been thinking of you all day, AT, because it’s been messy and raining nonstop. That’s why I’m so pleased to see your positive posts.
BJ’s little pic is smiling at me from my pencil box as I type these words. Looks like she’s determined to come back to you. I hope it is very soon.
November 15th, 2006 at 11:40 pm
Hi AT. I had a strange thing happen to me today. I was unloading my grocreries into the back of my car at the store, in the pouring rain, and I was in a deep state of prayer. I was praying a prayer of thankfulness, thanking God for all the great things, big and small, from the health of my family, to the fact that I could buy groceries, and even for the rain that was drenching me as I trodded along. My mind turned to you and BJ and to the kids and I prayed that I was thankful BJ was progressing, that maybe her hands and toes could regenerate and that maybe there would be more good news today. That is when it happened. A smiling nun (in full habit ) wheeled into the parking lot driving a minivan, and parked right next to me. I know there are nuns in town, but it felt like a good sign. And I don’t think I have ever seen a sister smile, at least not so genuinely as she was. (My experience has always been with cross little women with rulers and a good swing,) Anyway, I think her presence was a sign to keep the faith and find peace where ever you can.
November 15th, 2006 at 11:44 pm
Checking in again…keep your newfound faith going; the bible says our faith starts as a mustard seed…
I don’t even know you, and yet I have faith in you.
We’re all praying for you and GAC, hoping surgery goes well and that you continue to be her strength.
November 16th, 2006 at 1:35 am
A life long friend, of Nodbob…sends his deepest and warmest wishes to you. Get well soon GAC.
November 16th, 2006 at 7:19 am
I pray that this new faith you’ve found survives and sticks with you, because I am a living testament to the love God has for people who don’t deserve it. Nothing I or any of the rest of us can say will strengthen your faith or convince you, but I am quite sure that God has started something in you, and I don’t think that He’ll forget or quit or anything.
Do you remember that story about footprints in the sand? Didn’t you use to have it on your wall or something? My mind has been wandering back to it through this, and that has given me peace. http://www.llerrah.com/footprints.htm
November 16th, 2006 at 8:19 am
I’m glad to see the mantra is back.
There is nothing to fear, nothing to doubt.
Regarding the Bible, The Missus and I have rolled this question around quite a few times. Holy is a word I haven’t spent much time unpacking, but I have thought about the bible being inspired by God.
It seems very easy to turn the Bible into an idol. I see people turning the Bible into an idol when they approach it as if they can read and understand its true meaning. To me the bible is inspired. It’s living. I mean there’s a relationship between the bible and the reader and that relationship is where the inspiration occurs.
Inspiration has to do with air and more importantly, breath. The creation story in Genesis mentions that God breathed life into Adam. Adam was an inspired creation. I think a similar thing may happen when you read the Bible. God breathes life into that relationship between the reader and the Bible. God creates life there. That’s what I mean when I say the bible is inspired.
November 16th, 2006 at 8:47 am
up until this time last year my hubby was a minister at a church - as “organized religion” as you can get. that was trying for me - the whole methodology. but then when we had an explosive incident and we resigned from the ministry, when i finally resigned from religion (as i can see in retrospect), then is when i truly found God. not trying to sound all “holier than tho” … i don’t give Him the credit He is due in my life like i should most days but i see now that religion was making my relationship with Him much more complicated than it really is.
i always say too much … apologies.
November 16th, 2006 at 9:17 am
Your thoughts are moving and inspirational. The Bible is in fact an object of idol worship, along with the church building, and people in our lives. But you are right, that is not the way it should be. The Bible is inspired by God, and speaks to us so that we may have a personal relationship with him. I believe you are on the verge of a very personal relationship with God. That is the way it should be. It is sad that “organized religion” sometimes does not welcome questions and people who are searching for questions and answers. I will continue to pray for your family. I know you don’t know me but if I can do anything for your family please e-mail me. Your love for your family and BJ is her strength right now.
November 16th, 2006 at 9:33 am
I wouldn’t go so far as to say I have a “love-hate” relationship w/ church these days. My relationship w/ church has gone from hate, to love-hate, to now someplace else.
I’m big on the community aspect of church and have to watch myself on its clubbiness. Church is like most anything else where a bunch of people get together and start making rules. Organizations like to tell you (force compliance??) if you go along, you’ll be ok. That’s insidious. Of course, I’m just as suspicious of individualism, too. It’s as rotten as organized religion (i.e. church).
November 16th, 2006 at 9:36 am
See, I’ll deal with all this stuff. I’m not giving up, because the peace that I’ve found since I got this little newborn faith has been nice, and I truly believe that I was allowed a glimpse of something else that first week.
If I don’t see it again anytime soon, its OK. I’ve got my rambling post to remind me.
November 16th, 2006 at 11:30 am
I am a scientist who believes in God. And the reason that I do is because I can’t imagine NOT believing in God. It is something that I have done instinctively despite my almost completely passing contact with organized religion.
My relationship with God is deeply personal. We talk daily. And in my life, he has never let me down. Events of my life have moved forward with a purpose that my faith has always let me find.
If this is some sort of supreme rationalization, than in the end the joke will be on me. But the richness and the comfort that faith has brought me through my life will make it a rather weak joke with a flat punchline. What matters is the now, having the courage to face each day, knowing that if you make it through to see another dawn, that eventually you will see the good and meaning in it after the dark lifts. That’s what it means to be in the hand of God.
November 16th, 2006 at 12:09 pm
for the record, i love my church. technically, it’s the variety of individual people who make up my church that i love. it’s seeing God in their lives that teaches me and comforts me and inspires me. AT said it best … having that peace only faith in God offers. admitting we know very little but secure in the comfort that He knows all and He cares.
November 16th, 2006 at 2:25 pm
One of the aspects of Judiaism I respect deeply is the encouragement to keep asking questions and debating. The point is not the end, the point is the journey.
I’m agnostic and my husband is athiest, but we like to watch the Jewish religion at work. He once announced to me that rather than be a non-practicing Christian, he decided I was a non-practicing jew. He was an athiest jew.
The questions are good. I admire you for asking them. Our non-practicing-jewish butts are still begging the cosmos for you.
KP
November 16th, 2006 at 8:08 pm
I’m glad to have had a conversation with you about translating the beauty and love that is present on this site here into a commitment to a weekly gathering at a church. The closest I can understand it is that we shoud expect to see His beauty in our lives through every moment,to be brought and shared together when we gather to worship. Often, that is not the feeling people get from church. I also agree with Bos. The Bible is not just a book of words, but it is a living thing, a personal relationship with everyone who enters into it. Jake, I respect your searching and not blindly accepting. I’d give you my faith if I could, but it wouldn’t fit!
November 16th, 2006 at 9:24 pm
Whether we Terrans are or are not alone in the universe - either concept is mind boggling. “Then sings my soul…” I love the questions, too. They’re often more engaging than the answers. I’m reading a book entitled Quantum Theology. I’ll let you know if I find anything you’d like.
Love ya
November 16th, 2006 at 10:37 pm
That sounds cool, Nunny Aunt. Lemme know.