Atomictumor

I went into the hospital this morning, after dropping off the kids like a regular day, to see if I could talk with Dr. M about what happens next.  I talked to BJ for a bit.

Her BP was down to 74, and Crystal said that she was just giving her Levophan.  She gave me a hug.  BJ has had really good care from those nurses.

Dr. M showed up, and we talked.  He is still maintaining a little bit of optimism, and cited a few examples that could conceivably cause her reactions, examples that don’t mean brain death.

He really wants to know where the stroke came from.  I expressed my indifference, but he was bothered because the doppler test yesterday (the trans thingy) was looking good.

Hell, EVERYTHING was looking good yesterday.

I’m more with it than I’ve been.  I’m determined.  I’m going to make sure I do right by her.  I’m going to exhaust every hope, and then I’m going to make sure she can leave as peacefully as possible.

I asked if we could postpone this thing (her death) until after G’s birthday, he didn’t think so.  Five days would be a long time.

Five days.  The working week.  The amount of time it takes for a laptop to be received after shipping.  She probably doesn’t have it.

I say “bring it on”.  I told her that I’d find her after I pass, and that my soul would entwine with hers, like it had during life, for all time.  I look forward to that, but I look forward to the rest of my life.  I have no idea how much I’ll miss her.  I really don’t know.  Things haven’t hit me very hard yet.

Dr. M checked BJ’s breating.  He removed the vent.  She didn’t breathe.  Her oxygen blood level dropped like a rock.  He put it back on.

They are going to do the EEG, another Head CT.  They are going to see if anything else could happen.  They are going to start testing for brain death.

Do you think she’s already gone?

Moot question, and purely rhetorical.  She’ll always be with me.

—

Uk.  I got nothing else.  Shower time.

Hey all,

Eaves showed me this, which is GAC at her finest, and maybe another idea of what to do with her?  What do you think?  Is the diamond thing… weird?  When the kids are 30, will they see a diamond that used to be their mom and be like “damn dude… the old man lost it”.

I dunno.

MastaG says it’d be a good reminder, but added that its “for a highly doubtful reason”.  I said “well, man, you never know” and we ended up laughing about getting her the cheapest, smallest one, because she’s a smaller woman.

I hope he can always laugh.  Thats really what BJ wants…

In 5 minutes I’m going to walk into the kids bedrooms, wake them up cheerfully, get them excited that its Friday (G gets excited, at least), and send them to school.

They’re not going to catch any wind of that.  Pigpen’s teachers I’ve talked to, G’s, I figure you’d agree also.  Lets just keep this between us, right?

I’m going to try to postpone BJ’s death until after G’s birthday (unless she recovers, which would be damn miraculous, but not the strangest thing that ever happened, and not being ruled out by me).  I regret that losing their mother during the holiday season will forever be part of the kids, but I think that G needs to have his birthday without the shadow of this.  Its about life, not death, and G needs to understand that.

Otherwise, he’ll grow up to be a Goth, and nobody wants that.

OK?

Cool.

(Love you angel)

Tomorrow morning, we’ll see what happens next.  Maybe she had a clot, and it went to her brain.

I think, right now, the most painless thing that could happen would be if a clot went to her heart, and stopped it.

Dr. Ali called to ask if heroic measures should be taken if such an event would occur.  I’ve been afraid of that question, because, while I have talked to BJ about this, and know her disdain (strong disdain) for the un-life that vegetation would be, I don’t know if her parents would ever forgive me for making the decision she wanted me to make.

If it makes much of a difference, I never liked BJ’s decision to be cremated, either.  I will abide by that also, if (when) that comes to pass.  I have no clue what I’d do with the ashes.

Ah, BJ.  Sweet, sweet, BJ.  BJ, the emotion hasn’t hit yet. Its not time, my angel, theres still things to be done.  We need to find a way to end this with the grace, and the beauty that you had in your life.  We need to do this in a way that keeps the family that you love so much whole.

On that Monday, and that Satuday, sweetheart, I told you its OK to go.  I still mean it.  I’ll see you, BJ, after its my time to go.  We’ll always be together, because we’re joined at the soul.

The emotion is hitting now.  LIttle girl, my sweet little girl.  Oh, we had such a life togehter.  BJ, my BJ, I wouldn’t trade any of it to erase the pain of right now.

—

Jesus, is it too early for fatalism?  Has the last trumpet sounded?  I can completely life with making an ass of myself, crying like a baby over a girl who may get saved by a last minute, hail mary miracle pass from God at the endzone.

At 4:11 AM, in a dark bedroom, sitting cross legged on our bed with tears in my eyes, reality looks pretty fucking grim.

Another reality just came up…I don’t think I can send the kids to school tomorrow, because I’m not planning on telling them about this yet, and because their teachers will have read this stuff.  What a crappy secret THAT would be.

I had good intentions when I started writing this train wreck of a post, but I don’t think its working.  Thing is, I can’t sleep, and I don’t know what else I can do.  Mass communication, yeah, thats easy.

Reality, when BJ’s had a stroke, and the doctors say that there isn’t hope, isfar from easy.

I might be back.

—OH BJ.

My girl, I hope you are at peace.  I’m terrified that you’re trapped in a crippled brain, just wanting to get the fuck out, and tet this over with, like you wanted to when you had that surgery 3 weeks over.  I remember your words

“Cut me open, give me medicine, get this over with”

I regret that the last time you saww the kids was when they were being loud and irritating in your hospital room.  You gave them kisses, after growling at them, and they love you so much.

My girl, they will always love you.  We’ll honor you in this house, and in all of these other houses.  We were lucky to have you.

Two weeks ago right now, I was awake because it was the first night in years I’ve slept alone, and because my BJ was in the step down room at the hospital, in pain, thirsty, wearing an oxygen mask (because the tubes were too uncomfortable).

One week ago, I was awake because I was pondering the damage inflicted to her brain, and because she had been asleep for nearly a week.  I wondered if she will ever wake up.

Tonight, I’m awake because I k…

—

The hospital just called, Dr. Ali talked to me.

BJ suffered a stroke in the middle part of her brain.

“She put up a good fight, but…”

It has placed pressure, and damage, on the brain stem.

Her vitals are good.

The worst has come.

I’m going to tell her parents now.  And then I’ll lie awake, and wonder what I’ll do next.

Keep praying.  There isn’t room for a miracle, but…