November 17th, 2006 by Atomictumor
Its not about BJ anymore.
Thats a thought thats hard. I have realized, this evening, that despite the best efforts of my intellectual mind, I’m in the denial stage. The fact that her body might still be warm doesn’t help. But she’s not in it, and I know that.
But what I’m talking about, is all the writing, all the hope, all the prayers I’ve had have been for her.
Its over, for her.
She’s dead.
And thats where my mind loops, BJ’s not dead. Its an obstacle, and I don’t want to plow it down, but I keep prodding at it, like its a cold sore.
Its almost like a boomerang. I can tell myself, “dude, jake, your wife is dead. the girl is dead. BJ is dead.”
Its like that whole “I’m rubber, you’re glue” thing. It just bounces off. I don’t know what it sticks to, tho… thats probably not important.
I got up to use the bathroom, and I heard Pigpen whimpering in the bedroom. I opened the door, and reached down in the dark to rub his little head (he’s sleeping on an air mattress in the floor, Katy and G are in the beds). Instead of warm curls, I got cold, wet, nastiness.
He threw up in bed. Copiously.
So I got up to clean that up. I showered the poor little guy, because it was all over him. All over Packers, his stuffed dog, all over the sleeping bag that covers the air mattress.
Everywhere.
After I cleaned it up, the phone rang. I didn’t answer it, it didn’t know who the caller was, and I’m really not much into talking to anybody but a few people at this point. I mean, I’ll do it, but only if I have to. That, and it was 11:30.
The phone chirped that a message was available. The caller was an old friend of mine and BJs, one that we hadn’t been in contact with lately, but one still dear to our hearts (my heart, BJ is dead).
She was crying in the message, asking me to call to tell her it wasn’t true.
hell.
So I did it, I called, I told her it’d be quick, gave her this address, told her its true. I let her go, to be in her grief. Sorry, sugar. I wish it wasn’t true.
But it still doesn’t seem real. Yes, BJ’s not here, obviously. But dead? Choir invisible?
BJ?
Dude, that doesn’t happen. Wifes don’t just up and get sick and die.
Where does that kind of thinking, and questioning get us?
The grief isn’t here yet, and my mind is working overtime to keep it away. I’m just watching it, impassionately. Its like that Id, Ego, and Superego just fell off the tower of Babel, smote down for daring to scratch the surface of God, and now doomed to jabber idiotically at each other.
And I have a first row seat.
BJ will always be dead. Always. Every second. No matter how much I love her, or want her, or miss her, or NEED to see her, it ain’t happening in anything but pictures.
Nope, still not sinking in.
—
But what happens when I close this laptop and turn the light off?
November 18th, 2006 at 12:07 am
I’m so sorry you’ve lost your darling wife. I’m so sorry for your boys. There is nothing I can do but pray for your family. I’m sure that she’ll be an angel, guarding them safely from this point on. I wish the best for you and your family.
November 18th, 2006 at 12:07 am
And when you turn off the computer it’s still there. We are all still here reading, and feeling. Bless you. I left a message on the Worlds Close post. I do hope you aren’t so overwhelmed to not look at comments from old posts because I had to thank you, and I mean it (at least to me) so profoundly.
Bless you. And just be there for your family now.
November 18th, 2006 at 12:09 am
It is so hard to hear your pain - it seeps through the lines. But know that everywhere, probably every time zone, there are people that are checking up on you, praying for you and shedding tears for you only, and your pain and the days, months, years, ahead of you.
November 18th, 2006 at 12:20 am
Still sending peace and love, AT…
November 18th, 2006 at 12:20 am
When the laptop is closed and the light is off - it will ALL still be there, even in a month or year…but that ALL will most certainly include the life you are going to make for you and the boys and the legacy BJ leaves behind…which y’all will keep alive in your hearts and lives in whatever way you choose to do and the boys choose to do…and they will start handling things in their way as they get older, I have seen it in my oldest and she is younger than MG. Be encouraged by the prayers of strangers who are now friends you may never know or meet!
November 18th, 2006 at 12:21 am
What happens when you turn off the computer and the light is that we’re all here, checking in and up on you. Even those of us who don’t know you or your family. Sending good thoughts your way. Jules
November 18th, 2006 at 12:33 am
Hey, on Pigpen? His body taking the stress that his mind doesn’t quite grasp? ordinary little kid illnesses? is he just delicate? Just seems like he’s been under the weather a lot. I’m just hoping he doesn’t down with, er, a flu.
November 18th, 2006 at 12:37 am
You’ll see this later; You asked about my night - that night and I really don’t remember that night…..I remember telling my oldest, they were at my mom’s and us going home….then the next few days began. I think I was comforted by being HOME with my girls and being able to take care of them. I knew I faced an extraordinary task ahead of me and I wanted to meet this head on and do the best I could for the girls. You will persevere!
November 18th, 2006 at 12:52 am
AT I am so sorry that you and the boys have lost BJ. I found you through Busymom and have been following your life over the past few weeks. You and BJ had a love that some people never get to have. I know somehow you and the boys will make it through this. My aunt lost her 20 y/o son in March of 02 and then her 21 y/o son in Oct. of 04. I had never met a stronger person than her until I started reading here. Just know someone in Arkansas is keeping you close and thinking of you and the boys everyday. I will be here reading from now on.
November 18th, 2006 at 12:57 am
It’s OK that it takes time to seem real. Whatever you do or feel is the right thing, there’s no set way to go about it.
Thinking of you.
November 18th, 2006 at 1:20 am
There’s obviously nothing I can say to change anything, so I won’t pretend to have words of wisdom or magical powers. I just wanted to leave a comment to let you know that I got here by reading another blog that requested us to keep your family in our prayers. And I agree with jules….when you shut the laptop and turn the lights off, everything is still the same….for better or worse. *hugs*
November 18th, 2006 at 1:24 am
Thank you for all your words. I was directed to your site only this evening, and reading your story has been such a witness of strength and faith and deliverance and love…such love.
You love your lady so deeply and so greatly; your family is beautiful.
I am so sorry for your loss, and I am so glad that you have had such a wonderful marriage. You have people in Canada praying for you.
November 18th, 2006 at 1:35 am
…what they said.
hug to pigpen, poor kid.
November 18th, 2006 at 1:42 am
I’m crying for you and the boys even though we have never met.
There is nothing I can do but say sorry and pray for you.
November 18th, 2006 at 1:44 am
“But what happens when I close this laptop and turn the light off?”
That would be a good time for sleep. Your mind and body need it.
(stomach flu is rampant in N.O. right now. We did the throw up thing 2 nights ago! fun time!)
November 18th, 2006 at 1:53 am
Aw hell, you shut the laptop, turn the light off, and its still all there. I wish I could tell you different, but its not. But when you wake up it will not be the same. You will have here, the expanse of the universe to expend your anguish, discomfort, anger, disbelief, unbelief, understanding, acceptance, unhappiness, relief, discomfort, comfort….all of it. Because you have become a part of all of us and all your feelings are welcome and understood. Spill them, share them, just express them. We can and will absorb it and in the only way we can help you. I just hope its enough. But, I think it might be, since you already are 100 times stronger than I think I could be.
Prayers from us
Vickie
November 18th, 2006 at 1:53 am
I am so, so sorry for all that you’ve been through, for all that you’re going through. When the laptop closes and goes off, people you’ve touched through it keep vigil for you and your family in the (literal and figurative) night.
November 18th, 2006 at 2:15 am
Words just don’t ever convey enough, do they? I am so so sorry for your loss…I realize you don’t know me at all, but I have, um, every Flaming Lips album ever released (and used to see ‘em live back in Kansas in 1985), and most of the Hunter Thompson books too. I’ll be around, and we’ll all talk about this and about how life does go on, and about your two darling boys. I just found you tonight and read this whole thing, and it’s 1 AM and I have to go to bed, but know there are some folks in Nashville thinking about you (and probably praying too, in a way, although I have to say I can relate to some of the agnostic discussions hereabouts…)
You know, years ago I went to an AA meeting with a friend and there’s a saying about one day at a time. A few years later I hit some troublesome spots in my career, lost my dad, a few other things went wrong, and I realized that sometimes you have to take it five minutes at a time. Hang in there, my friend.
November 18th, 2006 at 2:31 am
You and your beautiful boys are still in my thoughts and prayers, even after you turn off the light.
November 18th, 2006 at 2:59 am
God, there is nothing. There is nothing that anyone can say or do. There is nothing that will bring her back.
And as for breathing and living, only time will make that easier, and by the time it does you won’t want it to.
The only answers I have are hollow. The only hope I have is bittersweet. I am crying tonight. The world has lost. The whole world has lost, and it doesn’t even come close to what you and the boys have lost.
KP
November 18th, 2006 at 3:04 am
Dec. 6, 1978 was when I became a widow…I was 31 years old, and had 7 yr. old and 8 yr. old daughters. You’re right, it’s not about BJ anymore, it’s about you and your sons. You will go on, even though some days you won’t want to…and grief will come as well, also anger, frustration, and all kinds of other seemingly irrelevent emotions. From almost 30 years away, I still feel that ‘grab’ in my gut when I think of that night, and I can only say that (as trite as it seems) life will go on, some days will be harder, some not so hard…nights are often the hardest. You have a huge number of people who know you through your posts here, and these are some of the finest resources in the world: people who care. Know that you are in my thoughts, and that if positive energy can be sent over the internet—here comes a BUNCH! You’ll need it in the days to come… Blessed Be.
November 18th, 2006 at 6:37 am
Thoughts and prayers still coming toward you from this end. I hope Pigpen is OK.
There are no words…just know that we are all here for you and with you.
November 18th, 2006 at 6:57 am
Dude, that Babel reference kicks ass!
November 18th, 2006 at 7:09 am
I figured you’d appreciate it, Bos!
November 18th, 2006 at 7:51 am
I hope you were able to sleep a bit. I hope Pigpen is feeling better.
November 18th, 2006 at 7:55 am
I am so sorry.
As one born in East Tennessee, I can see how easy it can be to make it your home. I am very sorry your wife will not be able to continue that journey with you and your little one. in the flesh.
Stay well and take care.
November 18th, 2006 at 8:06 am
Take heart in one inestimable truth, it takes a real man to do what you’ve done. I wonder how many run from the responsibility, or let it fall on someone else’s shoulders? I try so hard not to get angry…at God, at the world in general, but especially with my son-in-law, who isn’t here to help. He comes home every six weeks and makes sure it’s not a chemo week…because heaven forbid he’d have to see that…
So my daughter, with stage three cancer, has to rely on me…and so do her three very young children. http://britblaise.com/blog/?p=23
And here I sit, when I should be writing before my career tanks before I get a good start, searching for who knows what…
November 18th, 2006 at 8:18 am
Last night I took my family (husband, daughter and a friend of hers) to the Lion King Broadway production in Nashville. At the very first song, “The Circle of Life” I started sobbing thinking of this circle involving you and your family right now.
I know I may not be as cool or the lyrics may be dorky but it reinforced the fact that BJ will always be within those of us who have been following her story. Most importantly she is within you and G and Pigpen.
I started to post the lyrics … but they read how some of us sail through our troubles and some have to live with the scars … but I pray you find peace. It’s a tough journey ahead. And the boys need you, but you also need time. You can’t take care of them unless you take care of you. And nights are tough. Let friends help just be a presence. Good luck, Jake. Myself and many others that have found themselves here will be here waiting for you if and when you need us.
November 18th, 2006 at 8:52 am
I wish I had the right thing to say, but obviously words alone can not take this journey away from you. Know that we are ALL here for you. I find myself thinking of you and your situation all the time. Wishing that I lived closer to cook you dinner. To help you with the boys. Perhaps that is the mother in me! I am so happy to know for sure that you are surrounded by WONDERFUL people down there in Tennessee. Lean on them when you need to.
It’s all pretty unbelievable. I hope that the bonds we’ve all made here will continue to strengthen, in order for you and yours to heal. BJ is now with you, all the time, forever and ever. I’ve felt that way about my Dad after he passed some 7 years ago now. BJ now lives IN and THRU you and in/thru your sweet boys. I know you’ll honor her. I look forward to taking more time on your site here to get to know both you and your sweet wife. What a love story.
Get some rest. I pray you find peace, wherever you can find it. xoxoxo
November 18th, 2006 at 10:01 am
When I prayed for you last night, my prayer started as it has for the past week or so. I asked the Lord to be with GAC, and immediately, I was corrected. I’m not saying God spoke to me or anything, but he sort of tapped me on the shoulder (metaphorically) to remind me that I shouldn’t pray for her anymore, but instead for you and your family. So, that’s what I’m going to do.
I wish I was still praying for her, AT. I’m sorry.
November 18th, 2006 at 10:31 am
As others have said - we are still out here when the laptop closes. Give extra love to Pigpen. He’s too young to express what he is feeling, or even understand it. Death is hard on children, not just because of the loss, but because all of the adults are working through their own grief and can’t often give them a roadmap they understand.
Thinking of you this morning as I sit playing with my son. Glad to hear your later posts are reaching forward.
November 20th, 2006 at 9:44 am
Hey AT. Just know that you are not alone, even when you turn your computer off and all seems quiet, we are here keeping close, and the Lord is by your side as well. A closeness with you boys will develope more each day. Grief is most dreaded in some ways, and in others, a way that you can make your own, you handle it the way that is best for you. There is a reality check in most of us after losing someone so close and so special in our lives. Time does help to heal, but it seems to go so slowly at times and it is hard to tell if your making progress. Don’t put more pressure on yourself by trying to stick to some boxed in answers as to how to deal with your loss. The Lord will help you in yours and his timing and we will continue to be here for you as well - you are surrounded by many people who have come to love you, admire you, your strength, your courage, and your dedication to being the best husband you can, the best father you can and the best person you can. This has been so trying, and yet you continue to reach out, to give as well and it will be a good thing for you all the way around.
This Thanksgiving coming up will be hard, but you will be able to give thanks for all BJ has given to you and your boys, to so many people - give thanks to the Lord for the time that you had with her and how she made a difference in your life and you in hers. The love that you two have will never die - and it shouldn’t.
Always thinking of you - love to your boys and your family and BJ’s family.
November 20th, 2006 at 9:57 pm
Haven’t been near the computer since Fri. morning, I’ve been at a trade show, but was kept posted… My very deepest sympathy and my love and respect.
Must be strange, having a virtual crowd around you, and yet being alone with the kids. I’m planning to head down early Friday, Treecy can come too. I have to be here for Ralph, who has to go for tests and can’t go home alone on Thursday. I’ll pray that the weather holds fair and we make it ok.
Please hug Jake for me for being such a man, and turning double digits, and hug Pigpen for being Pigpen. You was delighted when you were born, and thrilled when they were, l love being a great aunt. Thank you for growing yourself into such a fine man.
November 20th, 2006 at 10:32 pm
Dude, Jake passed double digits a while back. I’ll hug MastaG, tho.
It’ll be great to see you, Sue. Treecy too, or Dr. Treecy, as the case may be.