She had a stroke. Her brain stem was damaged.
November 17th, 2006 by Atomictumor
Tomorrow morning, we’ll see what happens next. Maybe she had a clot, and it went to her brain.
I think, right now, the most painless thing that could happen would be if a clot went to her heart, and stopped it.
Dr. Ali called to ask if heroic measures should be taken if such an event would occur. I’ve been afraid of that question, because, while I have talked to BJ about this, and know her disdain (strong disdain) for the un-life that vegetation would be, I don’t know if her parents would ever forgive me for making the decision she wanted me to make.
If it makes much of a difference, I never liked BJ’s decision to be cremated, either. I will abide by that also, if (when) that comes to pass. I have no clue what I’d do with the ashes.
Ah, BJ. Sweet, sweet, BJ. BJ, the emotion hasn’t hit yet. Its not time, my angel, theres still things to be done. We need to find a way to end this with the grace, and the beauty that you had in your life. We need to do this in a way that keeps the family that you love so much whole.
On that Monday, and that Satuday, sweetheart, I told you its OK to go. I still mean it. I’ll see you, BJ, after its my time to go. We’ll always be together, because we’re joined at the soul.
The emotion is hitting now. LIttle girl, my sweet little girl. Oh, we had such a life togehter. BJ, my BJ, I wouldn’t trade any of it to erase the pain of right now.
—
Jesus, is it too early for fatalism? Has the last trumpet sounded? I can completely life with making an ass of myself, crying like a baby over a girl who may get saved by a last minute, hail mary miracle pass from God at the endzone.
At 4:11 AM, in a dark bedroom, sitting cross legged on our bed with tears in my eyes, reality looks pretty fucking grim.
Another reality just came up…I don’t think I can send the kids to school tomorrow, because I’m not planning on telling them about this yet, and because their teachers will have read this stuff. What a crappy secret THAT would be.
I had good intentions when I started writing this train wreck of a post, but I don’t think its working. Thing is, I can’t sleep, and I don’t know what else I can do. Mass communication, yeah, thats easy.
Reality, when BJ’s had a stroke, and the doctors say that there isn’t hope, isfar from easy.
I might be back.
—OH BJ.
My girl, I hope you are at peace. I’m terrified that you’re trapped in a crippled brain, just wanting to get the fuck out, and tet this over with, like you wanted to when you had that surgery 3 weeks over. I remember your words
“Cut me open, give me medicine, get this over with”
I regret that the last time you saww the kids was when they were being loud and irritating in your hospital room. You gave them kisses, after growling at them, and they love you so much.
My girl, they will always love you. We’ll honor you in this house, and in all of these other houses. We were lucky to have you.
November 17th, 2006 at 4:28 am
You are not by yourself right now.
November 17th, 2006 at 4:41 am
no you are not alone - my coughing fit in bed this morning was meant to get me up and reading so i could pray … pretty conceided to think God needs to hear my prayers right now but others are too even if grief is gripping you and you can’t …. come on BJ …
November 17th, 2006 at 4:43 am
Nope, damama’s right, you’re sure not alone. And if you’ve grown too tired for tears, I’m weeping them for you. Sad and happy tears. You two have obviously had so many good times, some of the tears have to be happy too.
November 17th, 2006 at 4:46 am
Oh man, that is so hard. But you are strong; it shines through the pain in your writing. You will do what has to be done for yourself and for your family, and the best wishes and hopes of so many people continue to be directed at you like rays of light–even from the other side of the world where it is day instead of night, and I am reading the your latest news with great sorrow. I wish you well, AT, and if you keep writing I will keep reading and stick with you, and help let your blog change the world.
November 17th, 2006 at 4:50 am
I’m here too, AT.
I may be at the other end of the world - but I’m sitting beside you in spirit.
My thoughts are with you.
Never lose that hope.
November 17th, 2006 at 4:54 am
Beautiful, Z. And I think this blog - and AT and BJ - already have changed the world a little and made it a better place. I know I feel grateful and blessed that AT has shared such a wonderful woman with all of us thru his pain.
Still here, AT… let us know if there’s anything we can do besides prayers and wishes. Those you’ve got, I think probably all over the world and by the thousands, tonight.
November 17th, 2006 at 4:58 am
You are not alone, AT, you will never be alone. I am here at the airport and I will say my airport prayers for you all. I wish you all the strength in the world today and every day.
November 17th, 2006 at 5:53 am
God AT. I am so sorry. I don’t know you or your family at all other than these posts the last few weeks but I am sending you love across the water.
November 17th, 2006 at 6:14 am
We’re here with you.
I know that you and BJ changed my world.
November 17th, 2006 at 6:22 am
Oh AT, My heart is breaking for you. I’ll be praying for peace and strength for your family and her parents.
November 17th, 2006 at 6:39 am
Also, praying for you guys, and sending some love from NZ…I love that you’re so close to her, even when she can’t respond. It really makes love so real and eternal.
November 17th, 2006 at 6:41 am
Im here too….praying for you all…
November 17th, 2006 at 6:50 am
GAC, I love you.
AT, I love you. My heart is with you both.
November 17th, 2006 at 7:01 am
I’m here.
November 17th, 2006 at 7:02 am
All my love is being sent y’alls way. You will all be in my thoughts today.
November 17th, 2006 at 7:04 am
Love and prayers … begging God for a miracle
November 17th, 2006 at 7:06 am
Am here too… praying for all of you. Don’t know what to say except, you’re in my thoughts…
November 17th, 2006 at 7:10 am
I’m here too.
November 17th, 2006 at 7:20 am
Since the beginning, it never occurred to me there would be a bad ending to this. I thought all the prayers and good wishes would make everything alright in the end - safety in numbers, and you sure do have a lot of people on your side. Your writings have become an addiction, I read and sit here willing your beautiful wife to wake up. I’m still willing for that miracle, and will stick around as long as you need an ear.
November 17th, 2006 at 7:21 am
I have no idea how I got to this website, but it was only 2 days ago that I did. I went to the archives and I started reading and I sat here and cried. I’m crying again. I’m praying for you all. I can’t even imagine.
November 17th, 2006 at 7:27 am
AT, our thoughts and prayers are with GAC, yourself and the boys. We just pray for peace and understanding. If you need anything give us a call, no matter what time it is or what you need. We love you guys.
November 17th, 2006 at 7:35 am
I’m here too, crying and praying…
November 17th, 2006 at 7:39 am
May God bless you and your family.
As always, my thoughts and prayers are with you.
November 17th, 2006 at 7:39 am
oh atomictumor my big brother i dont want to say but I still have faith for BJ. I wanted to let you know that I am raedy any time you call to let me go up and help Gabe and Asher. i love you so much my biggest brother.
November 17th, 2006 at 7:39 am
Here as well in Germany, praying, hoping, praying.
November 17th, 2006 at 7:47 am
Wow.
You are in my prayers…you, BJ, the kids, her parents…everyone.
November 17th, 2006 at 7:51 am
AT- you have brought grace and beauty to something so often not spoken about. You have opened my eyes and heart to exhilaration and sheer mind blowing awe of the communities that exist in the ether.
There is so much love for you and GAC. I send you hope and peace from the depths of my heart. I cry for you, and yearn, and hope. Always hope. My world has changed.
November 17th, 2006 at 7:55 am
AT - here in Virginia as always, praying for BJ, you and your entire family.
November 17th, 2006 at 8:01 am
Oh AT, You have provided a chance for so many of us to feel the love that you and BJ have, and have inspired so many people. My heart breaks with yours, I am trying to hold back the tears now, I am here for you, I hope with you too that this will be a time for a miracle. I pray for the peace that passes all understanding for you and your family right now. You will always have the hearts of all of us here at work - we love ya my friend. You take care, and never stop believing - we are here with you as are many others that you have touched. Give the family our love.
November 17th, 2006 at 8:02 am
Oh AT.
November 17th, 2006 at 8:14 am
AT, this year has been really tough for me too. I saw my mother go though the ccu thing,my grandmother and step father both died. I can certainly understand personal crisis. If you ever want to talk , please call me.
Love you AT
I will keep praying
November 17th, 2006 at 8:14 am
Maybe I am naive, but I am still praying for a miracle here, and in the meantime peace for your family.
November 17th, 2006 at 8:14 am
I’ll add my brief comment onto this long line of comments, just to let you know that I’m with you, Jake. I love you and BJ and the boys, and will always be here if you need me.
November 17th, 2006 at 8:19 am
At I am so, SO sorry that you and your family are going through this. I wish there was something I could say or do to fix it for you all. Know my prayers and thoughts are with you all the time. Much Love.
November 17th, 2006 at 8:30 am
I’m here. Still sitting, waiting, wishing with you
November 17th, 2006 at 8:35 am
I am holding you, BJ and your boys here in my breaking heart…I wish that could help.
November 17th, 2006 at 8:37 am
I’m here, still praying and crying. Still hoping……
November 17th, 2006 at 8:57 am
Your family is in my prayers. We never know when God is going to call his Angels home. I am so sorry.
November 17th, 2006 at 12:07 pm
My heart is breaking for you. Hang in there and stay strong.
November 17th, 2006 at 3:21 pm
Jake,Thank you for your blog. I read it and wept every time. I don’t know you, but I loved B.J., who was my student (one of the best I’ve ever had, but that’s not why I found her so endearing). I’m sure your journal has touched many people in many different ways. It will be a wonderful gift to your children when, years from now, as adults, they can read it and understand the love that you and and their Mother shared. In the meantime, I wish you strength and courage to deal with all that your new life without her will require. She, being who she was, would want you and the children to have a happy life, although there will be times when that will seem like a tall order. Write it out, if you feel like it, because that’s something you do so very well. We’ll be there to listen. It’s all about love. Nothing else, in the end, really matters.
Diana Morrow, Pellissippi State Community College, Nov. 16, 2006
November 18th, 2006 at 12:05 am
Its good to see you, Diana. BJ was always fond of your classes. She really enjoyed what she was doing, and I know that at the end of her life, she was proud of her choices.
Thank you for commenting.