November 17th, 2006 by Atomictumor
I went into the hospital this morning, after dropping off the kids like a regular day, to see if I could talk with Dr. M about what happens next. I talked to BJ for a bit.
Her BP was down to 74, and Crystal said that she was just giving her Levophan. She gave me a hug. BJ has had really good care from those nurses.
Dr. M showed up, and we talked. He is still maintaining a little bit of optimism, and cited a few examples that could conceivably cause her reactions, examples that don’t mean brain death.
He really wants to know where the stroke came from. I expressed my indifference, but he was bothered because the doppler test yesterday (the trans thingy) was looking good.
Hell, EVERYTHING was looking good yesterday.
I’m more with it than I’ve been. I’m determined. I’m going to make sure I do right by her. I’m going to exhaust every hope, and then I’m going to make sure she can leave as peacefully as possible.
I asked if we could postpone this thing (her death) until after G’s birthday, he didn’t think so. Five days would be a long time.
Five days. The working week. The amount of time it takes for a laptop to be received after shipping. She probably doesn’t have it.
I say “bring it on”. I told her that I’d find her after I pass, and that my soul would entwine with hers, like it had during life, for all time. I look forward to that, but I look forward to the rest of my life. I have no idea how much I’ll miss her. I really don’t know. Things haven’t hit me very hard yet.
Dr. M checked BJ’s breating. He removed the vent. She didn’t breathe. Her oxygen blood level dropped like a rock. He put it back on.
They are going to do the EEG, another Head CT. They are going to see if anything else could happen. They are going to start testing for brain death.
Do you think she’s already gone?
Moot question, and purely rhetorical. She’ll always be with me.
—
Uk. I got nothing else. Shower time.
November 17th, 2006 at 9:24 am
I am so sad for you and your family.
Before you make any decisions,allow yourself some alone time- maybe at a special place where you and your sweetie used to go and just listen to her speaking to you in your heart. She will tell you what to do. When two people are as close as you and BJ,words are not necessary.
May God be with you.
November 17th, 2006 at 9:26 am
Good idea. Love you.
November 17th, 2006 at 9:27 am
Still hangin tight with you.
November 17th, 2006 at 9:28 am
My heart is breaking for you and your boys. I keep praying that for you and your sweet BJ. I hope that you can find peace AT.
November 17th, 2006 at 9:28 am
I’m so sorry. Those are ridiculously inadequate words. I just pray for peacefulness, for her, for you, and for those who know and love you and your family. I’ve read a lot of your archives now, and I just want to tell you that the love you show for your wife is stunning. What everyone hopes for. May the Lord bless and keep you both.
November 17th, 2006 at 9:31 am
I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. If she is brain dead as hard as it would be to let her go it would be for the best. I know I have watched my 38 year old aunt lay in a vegitative stait for 7 years now. Its very very hard but the worst part is that she has 2 kids who have had to go through mom just laying there drawn up. The reason this has happened is beacuse my grandparents refused to let her go when it was time after there was no hope. Now her body functions on its own just no person is on the inside it bothers me. I often wonder if she is just stuck in there or if her soul has already left. I hope your wife recovers ,miracles do happen all the time and I hope you and your kids get one! Be strong she needs you to be.
November 17th, 2006 at 9:38 am
I posted on your “Still No Word” post…maybe sometime you will be able to read it to know as I said I have walked in your shoes, I made the decisions to the questions you are being asked, I have asked the questions you are asking. I know the difficulties and struggle you are facing and the wrestling of emotions that is going on inside of you. It’s the hardest place I have ever been in and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I am praying for you, your family, BJ’s family and all your friends that you can find a peace that passes all understanding.
November 17th, 2006 at 9:39 am
I have been reading along for awhlie, praying all the way, but not feeling like anything I could say would be worth saying.
My heart is with your family. I cant imagine your situation - I cant imagine having the path before me warped and changed, being forced to adapt and accept such terrible things.
I believe in God, in prayer, in love, and in miracles. I believe that all are on your side as you walk this most difficult path.
God bless you, your beatiful wife, and your entire family. Today and always.
November 17th, 2006 at 9:47 am
There’s nothing to say right now. I’m so sorry.
November 17th, 2006 at 9:48 am
I’m thinking of all of you. I’m sorry this has happened.
November 17th, 2006 at 9:58 am
- xo -
November 17th, 2006 at 10:05 am
My heart is breaking for you and your boys. This morning as I lay in bed nursing Ben all that was running through my head was thoughts of you and BJ. God must have been telling me that I needed to check in here. I wish that there was something - anything - that I could do to help you right now. Just know that I am praying for you, and for your whole family.
November 17th, 2006 at 10:14 am
There are not words that can express the amount of sorrow I feel for you and the boys and your entire family. This is a very diffucult moment in time. I am praying for yours and BJ’s peace. I just wanted you to know I am thinking of you.
Vickie
November 17th, 2006 at 10:19 am
Sending much love here, AT - my heart is breaking for you.
November 17th, 2006 at 10:21 am
So, so sorry. I’ve been reading, and hoping and praying, as I could, for you and yours. Peace be with all of you, the peace that passes understanding, the peace that comes after such an awful unthinkable time in your lives.
I’m glad you have such wonderful medical care.
November 17th, 2006 at 10:33 am
AT,
Reading the link to GAC’s thoughts on death and it’s messy (but still funny) aftermath, and looking at the (seems long ago now) link one of your friends put up that showed her at the picnic juggling those goofy sticks has given me a brief but fully dimensional glimpse of your incredible wife. No wonder you are able to stay strong and clear and determined to do right by her.
She is an indelible presence.
I’m not attempting to lionize or eulogize someone I don’t even know, I’m just saying her photos and words indicate a magnificent, alive spirit crammed into a young woman’s (now frail) body. Or it could be that I just loves me a smart-ass woman every time, I don’t know.
At any rate, my heart and prayers join with all of those represented here for peace and clarity and strength and wisdom and DARK HUMOR and love for you. I believe that when you need them most, the answers to all of the decisions you face will be right there for you. And you will hear BJ’s voice in your soul guiding you, comforting you and mercilessly teasing you.
No wonder you have the strenth to get through this. She is so incredibly unique, yet somehow a mirror image of you.
Forgive my presumptions, I am just voicing the impression she made on me.
With love,
Tori
November 17th, 2006 at 10:57 am
AT, I am sending you this poem that I wrote a few years ago to my uncle that had passed away of cancer. I am thinking of you and your family in these sadden times.
Beth
Chapter One
Remember my determination
and with will to accomplish my drive.
To create a family with morals and values
and the self esteem to strive.
Remember the good times
as well as the bad.
I am no where near perfection
but I gave the best I had.
Remember my strengths
and laugh at my weaknesses.
I had a playful presence
and a mysterious uniqueness.
Remember me as a whole
not missing one single memory.
My life on earth was chapter one,
and my life after death is a whole new story.
MBG
November 17th, 2006 at 10:58 am
I’m sharing this from memory, so I will get the punctuation and maybe some words wrong, but I need to type the words with my own hands, so here goes:
If thou must love me, let it be for nought
Except for love’s sake only. Do not say,
“I love her for her smile, her look, her way
Of speaking gently, or for a trick of thought
That falls in well with mine, and certes brought
A sense of pleasant ease on such a day.”
For these things in themselves, Beloved, may
Be changed, or changed for thee, and love so wrought
May be unwrought so. Neither love me for
Thine own dear pity’s wiping my cheeks dry
A creature might forget to weep, who bore
Thy comfort long, and lose thy love thereby.
But love me for love’s sake, that evermore
Thou mayst love on, through love’s eternity.
-Eliz. Barrett Browning
Peace, brother AT. You are not alone.
November 17th, 2006 at 11:08 am
AT: Reading your latest posts after yesterdays upswing has broken my heart for you and your family. I just wanted to tell you again that you’re in my thoughts, even though we don’t know each other. I think this website will be an amazing comfort to your children in later years when they are old enough to understand and look back on the immeasurable love you have for their mom. It’s quite a testiment to the unbreakable bond you share with BJ, and they will be lucky to have it to read (when they’re older).
Take care and know how many people around the world are sending you good vibes.
Sincerely, Jules
November 17th, 2006 at 11:12 am
I went back to bed this morning with the baby after the big kids got off to school. Right around the time you posted this I woke with an urge to pray the St. Jude prayer for you and BJ. (He’s the patron of hopeless cases.) Here’s how it goes:
Most Holy Apostle St. Jude, the Church honors and invokes you universally as the patron of hopeless casuse, of things almost despaired of. Pray for AT and BJ; they are so helpless and alone. Make use I implore you of that particular privilege given to you, to bring visible and speedt help where help is almost despaired of. Come to their assisiance in this great need, that they may receive of heaven in all their necessities, tribulations, and sufferings, particularly that BJ will make a miraculous recovery from her illness and that AT will continue to be strong at this time. We promise. O Blessed St. Jude, to be ever mindful of this great favor, to always honor you as our particularl and powerful patron, and to gratefully encourage devotion to you. Amen.
I will keep praying it. I am so, so sorry for what has happened, after the bright hopes of yesterday.
November 17th, 2006 at 11:14 am
There are no words that are appropriate. There’s nothing that can ease the burden and process of all this.
Please know that if there were, if our family could shoulder even a tiny fraction of loss and pain for you, we would. Please know we are thinking of you.
KP
November 17th, 2006 at 11:15 am
((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))
I wish I had some profound words to make everything better and mean something but I’ve got nothing. As I was reading Leslie’s prayer to St Jude, I got chill bumps all up and down my body. I don’t know if that’s good or bad or just is. I’ll print it out and repeat it all day long for you guys.
November 17th, 2006 at 11:18 am
AT, I know you’ve done the right thing so far in not letting the boys see her so sick. I would do the same with my children. But if she is, indeed, in the final stages, it might be worth considering another photograph, or a quick visit, so that they can see her sick. Your story is acute and painful proof that it is, in fact, possible to be perfectly healthy and then, suddenly and horribly, not - but when possible, it can help kids to believe that it doesn’t work that way, that we get sick before we die. They’re still going to fear that someday the same thing will happen to you, or anyone else in their lives, but if they believe that first you have to get sick, it can help them cope.
Others believe that it’s better to have only healthy memories of loved ones, and that’s okay… I have friends who refuse to visit grandparents in hospice, etc., on precisely that logic, and they need to do what’s right for them.
Just an idea. I don’t get offended when people ignore me, and you qualify as “people,” so it’s all good. You’re doing everything right so far, and I know whatever you choose from here on out will be right, too.
November 17th, 2006 at 11:22 am
My thoughts are with you. I’ve been reading for the past week or so and know that BJ story has touched me deeply and will make me appreciate my life and the love that surrounds me. Thank you so much for your courage in sharing. Your courage has been amazing and I have no doubt that it will carry you and your boys through this time.
November 17th, 2006 at 11:24 am
God bless you, your children and the rest of your family and friends.
We are but temporary spectres in human form, with a reality that is at best controlled by smoke and mirrors. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain; his prize can only give brief hope.
Love–your love with your sweet BJ and your precious claim to the future–is the real gift of this life.
I grieve now for a young woman I will never meet, and my sorrow runs deep for the loss felt by you.
There is a tomorrow, and a sweet heavenly blessing of eternal joy of reconnecting.
Live for that chance to be together again.
Know your heart, and those of your boys. Those are perfect keepsakes lovingly created through your relationship with BJ.
My heart is with you now. My prayers and thoughts embrace you.
Jean
Morristown, Tennessee
November 17th, 2006 at 11:26 am
I am so sad to hear about Bj. It brings tears to my eyes. I am still keeping Bj and your family in my prayers now more than ever. Keep the faith.
November 17th, 2006 at 11:30 am
AT, you did such a wonderful job of bringing BJ to all of us that don’t know her. I feel like I am losing a friend that I didn’t ever get to talk to.
Thank you.
I’m so sorry. Whatever we can do to support you, we will do in a heartbeat.
November 17th, 2006 at 11:30 am
Sending you prayers. love and strengh from afar. You and your family are in my thoughts daily. Your children are lucky to have you and to have a mother who loves them so very much.
Bless you and yours
November 17th, 2006 at 11:32 am
AT
This was written by Robert Hunter for a good friend who died too young. I love it and thought it might be comforting to you.
Princess of the Air
Going somewhat sooner than
later, a place is made for
you, a home among those tall
flowers of reunion, among
the glad glances of those
nearly perfect buds who blend
for you their mild and
distant fragrance.
Follow the message sent
upon the wind in naked
spirit - even after they
are one with you and
one with whom you love -
those large, glad petals
of the air.
Give the statement you
are born to give, give it
gladly and be done with
saying.
All is done except to seize that
other life by letting go of this,
to leave one loving mother for
another -
they are sisters who differ
in degrees of light and
darkness, one full of
might, the other fair -
one full of stories, one a
wordless Princess of the air.
Robert Hunter
-1994
November 17th, 2006 at 11:38 am
There are no words, yet I still feel the need to say something. I’ve gone back to read all of your entries since this began (just started reading Mon.), and they are so full of love and courage and truth. Your words have definately changed my life. It is clear that you and BJ and the boys are so lucky to have each other. I’ll be praying (to that God that I’ve been unsure of for so long) for peace for all of your family.
November 17th, 2006 at 11:44 am
Oh do take care. I keep you in my prayers.
November 17th, 2006 at 11:55 am
I am so sorry. I can’t find the right words to tell you how much just now. I will be praying for peace for you all.
November 17th, 2006 at 11:55 am
I really love the St. Jude’s prayer.
Joining you in it from Philly.
November 17th, 2006 at 11:57 am
We are still praying for you, BJ, the situation and the kids. As we said in the RT chat box we hated to read about the down turn this AM. We ARE still praying for miracles and for God’s will, not matter what it is. We will continue to pray you, your strength, and your decisions.
We are here until this is over no matter how it ends.
Know we are still praying and that we are here anytime.
November 17th, 2006 at 11:59 am
This song by “Death Cab for Cutie” brings you and BJ into my thoughts. I hope it doesn’t depress you, I find it very comforting and it reflects what you were saying above about finding her.
http://deathcabforcutie.com/iwillfollow.html
November 17th, 2006 at 12:08 pm
Thinking of you, praying for your family today. Try to hold on to your faith.
November 17th, 2006 at 12:13 pm
I have been reading (lurking) for a while now. Your love for BJ and your boys is truly wonderful, and my heart is breaking for all of you right now. Thank you for letting us in, and reminding us that we must let the people we love know it now.
Thank you
November 17th, 2006 at 12:17 pm
I am praying for you too. Like many others, I just read your story a few days ago. Thank you for giving her/your story to all of us, so that we have been able to join you in believing, and praying for BJ. Although I am sorry to hear about the turn of events, I will continue to EXPECT a miracle. As a person who just got married last month, I am inspired by your love and devotion to her. May we all hold our loved ones just a little bit tighter tonight. AT, here is a passage that I have always held close in the darkest times for me. I hope it speaks to you too. Keep the faith!
On Pain
Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.
Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.
And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;
And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.
And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.
Much of your pain is self-chosen.
It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.
Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquillity:
For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen,
And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears.
Kahlil Gibran
from “The Prophet”
November 17th, 2006 at 12:24 pm
I am a 31-year-old wife and mother of 2 girls. I have been reading along, holding out for hope. I am so sorry for you. God be with you and your children.
BJ - I could be you. You’ll always remind me to hold my little family a a little closer.
November 17th, 2006 at 1:23 pm
I lost the love of my life on May 26, 1983. You don’t have to wait until your death for your souls to be entwined. Ours always were and still are. He is with me everywhere, shares in everything I I do, and continues to be a comfort to me.
I always loved this by Dylan Thomas: “Though lovers be lost, love shall not, and death shall have no dominion.” It’s so very true.
November 18th, 2006 at 5:07 pm
I love how you say you’ll meet up with her. Thats beautiful and I really believe it to be true, there has to be some faith in this world.