Worlds close, doors open, life goes on.
November 17th, 2006 by Atomictumor
As I arrived home from the hospital, and was telling Mom what we’ll be doing next (because I’m a take charge, 90s kinda guy), she told me that my laptop had arrived. I got home, and spent some time setting it up. Its really nice, bigger than hell. Its network ID is GoldenAppleCorp.
BJ knew that I was a total geek. She was too, but in an application thing. She’d sit on the computer for hours on fark.com, scrolling around, lurking, or she’d be finding something to write about. Or she’d be checking her email. Never games, just internet stuff. I’m not really so much that way. I like being a dork, and setting things up. I like thinking analytically about computers. Not programming, because I’m not linguistic enough, but this kinda stuff. Totally.
So, I set up “GoldenAppleCorp”, with its bitchin core2duo and 17 inch widescreen. I was hoping to show BJ movies on it while she recovers, but instead I used it to write an obit under the “Whats Happening” and to remove the beer glass image she created to put something simple on. That, and getting rid of the images helps with the weight of the server. Johnny Dobbins ain’t made of money, y’know.
—
Oh, where to begin. BJ passed away, brain death, called at 12:30. I picked up the kids, brought them to say their good byes. Pigpen, the indomitable 4 year old (currently passed out in front of cartoons on the couch) didn’t understand a thing. He was telling G that he doesn’t have to cry. He said “Good Bye Mommy, I love you!” like she was going to the store. That is a blessing.
G, he had some alone time with BJ in her room. He sobbed, and cried, I held him, when he came out, and we went in together to tell BJ that It’s OK. We’ll Be OK. There is Nothing To Fear, and Nothing To Doubt. She can go on, she can be at peace, and we’ll remember her, love her, honor her. He’s outside now, playing with neighborhood friends. This has created wounds, but he hasn’t cried in an hour, and is laughing like a 10 year old.
Which is exactly how BJ would have it.
She’d want things to be normal. Sure, everybody wants to be remembered, and mourned, and I’m sure that I’ll be wailing and gnashing teeth soon, but now I’m being geeky on the computer, Pigpen is watching cartoons through diffusion, and MastaG is out playing like a 10 year old (well, almost 10 year old).
—
And what BJ wants, is what she’ll get.
We’re going to have a real wake, probably at Martin’s Funeral Home in Oak Ridge, TN. I haven’t talked to them, the hospital CCU head was calling for me. There will not be a casket viewing, because I’m not into having her embalmed. We’re going to have it at the place, mostly for those who would like to remember BJ in a traditional setting.
Thats great, and at this point it’s as much about the beholder as the… uh… beholdee, but thats not how BJ’d have it.
No, she’d want an Irish send off. So we’re going to have a blow out. We’re going to have music, dancing, laughter. We’re going to have booze. We’re going to have a good time. We’re going to celebrate the BJ that some of us knew, some of us thought we knew, and some of us never met. We’re going to throw down.
I don’t have arrangements for this yet, but I will. You’re invited, and I’d love to see you. No goofy internet names, we don’t have to know each other, we’ll just get together and holler. Probably not a good idea to bring the kids!
—
Ah, but I was talking about intentions. I was talking about my intention to witness BJ’s body stop working. I was going to hear the beep (if it beeps), and know she drew her last breath. I wanted that, for me. Because I lived so much through her, I wanted to die through her.
Things didn’t work out that way.
Some irritating people from the organ donation group came over, because I had mentioned to Dr. M that we’d like to do that. It didn’t occur to me until after, that they like to have the organ’s fresh and hot, and that it would hamper my needs.
BJ never signed an organ donation card, to my knowledge. She’s the type, tho, that would give something like that, to help somebody else. Unfortunately, she didn’t know that these people were the types that want to console you, and “I have no idea what you’re going through” you.
Lemme tell you something about me… I don’t give a crap. I mean, I do, but when I’m holding her hand, and saying good bye, I don’t need somebody stopping by, stammering about asking me to tell them about her life (which I politely refused), or about how I felt the hospital treated her (at which point I politely asked them to get on with it). I did answer 1000 questions about her, her health, her body, that joint she may or may not have smoked within the past few months. I held her hand, and nodded my assent to the questions, or murmured the answer. Occasionally, I’d roll my eyes at Crystal, at the foot of the bed, who was a godsend today.
See, Crystal took the clothes, and makeup, and healing shawl (which will be used to heal us, instead of BJ), and dressed her beautifully. BJ looked amazing for the kids. She was in a comfy sweater (actually, the green one that was in Bag Pierre way back when). I asked G if he’d want to put her glasses on, and he did. She looked great.
The organ donation people told me that there was a person in New York who could use BJ’s liver. They need to run blood tests, and what not, but that it appears that it will work out.
I decided to give up my idea, and to make my peace with BJ while her body breathed. After all, her brain was officially dead, and as far as the state of Tennessee is concerned, when the brain goes, so doth the body. Her time of death is 12:30, which is when I was bringing the kids. Her actual time of death, considering this thinking, would have been around midnight last night.
I don’t really care, (well I do, but on a distant level) that BJs liver will (may) save a life. It wouldn’t be BJ. I don’t care if that person comes to me to say “dude, thanks for kicking me your wife’s liver.” I’d smile politely, and give my farewells.
Beyond that, I don’t care what happened, why it happened, how it happened. Dr. M really does. Hes a good man, and has treated me better than any professional ever has. I consented to an autopsy. Maybe this can bring closure to him. He deserves it.
Crystal said she’d bring me the shawl and clothes, glasses, etc at BJ’s wake. I invited her to the party thing, and she said she’d like to head there also. I wonder if the rest of the nursing staff will come. They were doing God’s work, and really, really, really made this easier for me.
—
And about me, eh? What about ol’ AT?
My wife is dead, and I feel fine. Yes, I don’t believe that either, but its the truth. The weight of this is not on me just yet. It will be, in the years, months, weeks, days to come. The thought that I am now single comes to my mind, with its implications. I’ll be a third wheel with friends who are all married, or coupled, because thats that coupled friends do, isn’t it? That doesn’t mean that I’ll stop hanging around them, it just means that there will be a little bit of distance on both parts. On theirs, because they’ll be afraid of reminding me of painful memories. On mine, because. Just because. I suppose you can guess why.
No tears, lord, no tears. I cried them out with BJ, as I told her good bye. I told her “This is my last caress. This is my last hug. This is my last kiss.” I then cheated, as is my wont, and stole several more kisses. I told her not to worry. I told her I needed her, and contradicted myself by telling her to go and be at peace. I then admitted my contradiction, and, just to be clear, told her to go ahead and be at peace. I told her that I await the time that I am called, after however many days I have left, and will be with her.
Thats a relief. I think God listened that first day, when I begged that there be a God, and that he allow my wife’s sweet soul into his kingdom, because I have to see her again. I have to be with her again. I have to feel that presence again.
Ah, that presence. No more hospital visits, sweet, pained, hopeful kisses to her temple. No more smelling the essence of her hair. No more rubbing her arms, legs, chest, stomach, head.
No more.
And that’ll take time to sink in. I’ll blog about it, on my new “GoldenAppleCorp”. I’ll be here, whether anybody listens or not. She’ll be here, in the old posts she wrote, in her old comments. She was very much herself as she appeared on the internet, unlike me (who is an intelligent version of myself). Reading those old comments is the best way to get to know her.
—
One concern, and a seeming eternal concern, is finances. I have about $30000 of insurance on her, between my work policy, and one her Dad had. I’d love to pay of the house, but, hell, who thinks they’re ever going to use a life insurance policy before 30, eh?
So, I’m reneging on my earlier thinking about money, donations, whatever.
And I’ll tell you why.
Because
a) seriously, I need all the help I can get
b) I want to turn her into a diamond.
I’ve thought about that all day, and thats the plan. Go to www.lifegem.com, and you can see what I’m talking about. Its what she wanted, and G and I think it’d be an awesome way to remember her. And it saves the trouble of dealing with the ashes.
The more I can get donated, the bigger and better diamond we’ll make BJ.
Now, because Paypal sucks, and because the account was in BJ’s name, and because we canceled it in protest, I can’t create one. Apparently, Netmom and my Dad (Biscuit) are setting up a thing at my local bank, ORNL Federal Credit Union in Oak Ridge, TN. I don’t have details, but I reckon that’d be the best place to do it.
Don’t give if you can’t do it. Seriously. Don’t give because I want you to, because its very, very hard for me to ask for help. Please understand that people all over the world are more deserving that I am, and hurt far worse than I’ll ever understand, and they suffer in silence.
If you truly understand that, and still want to help me out, I’ll be grateful.
—
BJ, my BJ. Thank you for these years. Thank you for the boys. Thank you for your hand, and your heart, and your body. Thank you for all of the gifts, little and big, that we shared over the years.
I’m going to cuddle our sleeping baby. Good night, sweet girl.
November 17th, 2006 at 4:47 pm
For we know that when this earthly tent we live in is taken down (that is, when we die and leave this earthly body), we will have a house in heaven, an eternal body made for us by God himself and not by human hands. We grow weary in our present bodies, and we long to put on our heavenly bodies like new clothing. For we will put on heavenly bodies; we will not be spirits without bodies. While we live in these earthly bodies, we groan and sigh, but it’s not that we want to die and get rid of these bodies that clothe us. Rather, we want to put on our new bodies so that these dying bodies will be swallowed up by life. God himself has prepared us for this, and as a guarantee he has given us his Holy Spirit.
So we are always confident, even though we know that as long as we live in these bodies we are not at home with the Lord. For we live by believing and not by seeing. Yes, we are fully confident, and we would rather be away from these earthly bodies, for then we will be at home with the Lord. So whether we are here in this body or away from this body, our goal is to please him. For we must all stand before Christ to be judged. We will each receive whatever we deserve for the good or evil we have done in this earthly body.
2 Corinthians 5:1 - 10
November 17th, 2006 at 4:56 pm
Peace…
November 17th, 2006 at 4:56 pm
I think the diamond is a wonderful idea. A brilliant, sparkling gem of a brilliant, sparkling woman. Which totally came across through her writing and your own. I certainly will be happy to help.
November 17th, 2006 at 4:57 pm
I just wanted to add that I am sorry for your loss. I can not even begin to conceive of your pain.
Rest your troubles on God. He is the answer to all questions. He is the way to her now, and he is waiting for you. He brings about things in our lives to get our attention. Some how he has brought me here today to tell you these things. He wants a personal relationship with you.
God Bless!
November 17th, 2006 at 4:58 pm
Somebody asked me why I looked so sad today and I replied “Because my friend died” and they asked me “Who?” and I replied” I am not sure -but she changed the way I will live my life forever.”
Rest In Peace BJ
May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back,
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
May the rains fall soft upon your fields,
And, until we meet again,
May God hold you in the hollow of His hand
November 17th, 2006 at 5:00 pm
Thank you for giving us the opportunity to help you keep a part of BJ with you and your kids. Don’t be shy about posting the details of where and how to contribute, it’s what we want to do. With all the resources going to holiday gifts that may never be appreciated or used, knowing that we can help create a beautiful gemstone that will be a treasured rememberance is giving as its meant to be. Peace to you and yours.
November 17th, 2006 at 5:00 pm
ow do I say goodbye to what we had?
The good times that made us laugh
Outweigh the bad.
I thought we’d get to see forever
But forever’s gone away
It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.
I don’t know where this road
Is going to lead
All I know is where we’ve been
And what we’ve been through.
If we get to see tomorrow
I hope it’s worth all the wait
It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.
And I’ll take with me the memories
To be my sunshine after the rain
It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.
“Cooley High.”
November 17th, 2006 at 5:00 pm
You have my deepest sympathies. Thank you for sharing this sacred time with us, and showing us how to cope with such loss with incredibly dignity and grace.
Peace to you and your boys. GAC is at peace and I know she will find her way to you in your dreams and comfort you.
November 17th, 2006 at 5:00 pm
My heart aches for you, but nothing beats a good old fashioned Irish wake. Peace to you & yours.
November 17th, 2006 at 5:03 pm
We’ll still be here, whenever.
I wish you peace.
November 17th, 2006 at 5:07 pm
It has been a privilege to read your blog the past few weeks. Thank you for sharing this incredible journey; your love and grace shine through. Prayers and peace to you and your family, love from NH.
November 17th, 2006 at 5:07 pm
I am So sorry,I agree with what Christina C. Said.I didn’t know BJ Personally,But you sharing her story with us all has Definatley Changed my Perspective on Life in General.
Life is Too Short.
I will continue to keep you,and family in my prays and Positive thoughts.And i think the diamond is a wonderful idea!
November 17th, 2006 at 5:09 pm
Peace be with you both…
November 17th, 2006 at 5:09 pm
Peace for you, the kids and for BJ.
My heart aches for you all, and although i have never met any of you, know that Bj’s story has touched many lives.
You are all in my thoughts and prayers.
November 17th, 2006 at 5:10 pm
What wonderful children you and BJ made together. As much as this blog is a testament to your love, your boys are the real thing. They are so lucky to have you for a dad.
November 17th, 2006 at 5:10 pm
The diamond is a terriffic tribute to her.
At– I want to thank you for sharing so much with all of us. Your love and devotion to GAC is inspiring. What an amazing ride the two of you must have had. Peace to your heart, soul and mind hon. ::hug::
November 17th, 2006 at 5:12 pm
*tear* we love 3rd wheels. we have 4 kids who want your boys to come play. next time we have bos and eaves and fam over we want you and G and pigpen to come with. i only wish i had invited you guys over sooner. time is fleeting. i have blogged a few blogs about your situation and i hope you are cool with it …
my prayers for you continue. i know you will always miss her. so sorry.
November 17th, 2006 at 5:13 pm
May your life be like a love song, in the act of every breath
And a poem to the purpose that it serves.
And may you set your shoes to dancing in the hour of your death,
And meet it with the courage it deserves.
May your spirit pass in pirouettes
Of such amazing grace
That the tears of those who mourn you
Disappear without a trace;
And the smoke of all their sorrow
At the passing of your feats
Be a ring around the rainbow
When the circle is complete.
“Till the circle is complete”
Al Grierson
November 17th, 2006 at 5:22 pm
Shine on, BJ.
November 17th, 2006 at 5:23 pm
To the entire AT family I would like to give you my deepest condolences. I came to this site a mere stranger but yet today I feel as a friend. My heart is breaking. BJ’s body may no longer be with you, but her memory will forever be with you. The diamond is perfect. It will shine as bright as BJ’s soul did here on earth.
November 17th, 2006 at 5:25 pm
Many, many tears …
Thank you for sharing your love and your pain so eloquently. Your heart speaks loudly. And thank you for giving all of us a way to help you. Be it even a prayer … I know we want to help. Her diamond will be beautiful.
I hope you have a great party in remembrance of her. I am praying for peace for all of you - friends and family alike.
Wish I had the words to take away the pain to come. Know there are many prayers and and at least one loving soul above to watch over you.
Many hugs to you -
November 17th, 2006 at 5:25 pm
This may sound callous, but don’t pay off the house! For the sake of your boys and making ends meet, please meet with a financial consultant first. Having the mortgage and the interest deduction can help out a lot when it comes to tax time. If you end up really stretching and living paycheck to paycheck it helps out. Moreover, meet with a consultant to best figure out how to take that insurance policy and invest it in order to stretch it out for as long as possible. And don’t make hasty financial decisions right away. Take time to sink into this new reality and get your head on straight. You may think it is on straight right now, but it really isn’t. Wait a month or so and weigh all the details. You’ll be glad you did later.
November 17th, 2006 at 5:31 pm
I have wept all day the tears you didn’t want to shed.
I know, through Katrina, that you don’t lose anything, or anyone, all at once. There will be bad days. And it will hit you when you do not expect it. Don’t fight it. And I, and many others, will be here, still reading, still listening. I know your grief is horrible, but you have made something beautiful with it, something that those of us who never got to meet your wife can get a glimpse of her grace, hear her voice briefly.
I will watch for your fund details - it’s all a part of passing on the love. I pass through Knoxville frequently - I have a contract lab there. If you ever want to meet, let me know. It’s only a hop skip and a jump to Oak Ridge.
I wish you peace
November 17th, 2006 at 5:35 pm
I’m so terribly sorry for your loss. I raise my glass in celebration of BJ’s life. She obviously lived well and was surrounded by love. Can any of us really ask for more than that? Well, yes. We want time, too.
November 17th, 2006 at 5:37 pm
A friend of mine referred me here & I’m glad I came. Your tribute here is beautiful.
The previous poster is right. Sit on as much money as you can, then pay off highest interest stuff first. Suze Orman has a lot to say on the topic.
I really like the gemstone idea. It seems fitting with what I read of your remembrances here.
November 17th, 2006 at 5:41 pm
Wish I could give you the melody, because it’s beautiful, but I’ll just have to give you the lyrics. When I need to give things to God this is my song to Him.
I cast all my cares upon You
I lay all of my burdens down at Your feet
And anytime I don’t know what I should do
I cast all my cares upon You
1 Peter 5:7
November 17th, 2006 at 5:41 pm
Thank you for sharing all that you’ve been through. I am totally without words. Hug those boys and know you’re being lifted up.
God bless you all…
November 17th, 2006 at 5:44 pm
Thoughts are with you and the kidos! Let them play and laugh and in time……you will too.
Nashville, TN
November 17th, 2006 at 5:45 pm
I am so, so sorry. And I’m so grateful to you for sharing this most precious, most intimate time of your life together with us. Because of you and because of BJ, like one of the previous commentors said, I live differently now.
I pray for peace and comfort for you and your family. Like the others, I’m around to stay.
November 17th, 2006 at 5:46 pm
Thank you for sharing your heart and soul and with all of us. I have never met you or your family, but feel like you are a part of mine. My heart aches for you, but just know that time will soften the edges. I will continue to follow your story as it unfolds over time.
I pray for peace for your family….
November 17th, 2006 at 5:53 pm
I am glad to hear that the healing shawl will be used to heal you and the boys, that was something I considered while praying/crocheting it. I am deeply honored that you have allowed me into this space and grateful for your sharing, as it has profoundly affected my life. My sorrow at your loss is nothing I can put into words, but I also feel a sense of joy that BJ is in that place and, I am sure, awaiting your arrival with sweet anticipation. She is very lucky to have been loved by you and the boys are blessed to have you for their father. I will go and hug my Ladybug miracle now. And since we are a traditional Irish family, and I have been sharing all this with them, we are going to have a “good old fashioned wake” as my grampy called them, in BJs honor. We shall celebrate her life and drink to her loving family. Celtic Kisses on me.
Vickie
November 17th, 2006 at 5:55 pm
Thanks for sharing AT. I know we didn’t get to hang out a whole lot but we always had a great time together. And hope we can continue that, third wheels are cool. I am grateful that you were so forthcoming with information about her. She means a lot to a lot of people. And she will always be remembered with smiles and tears. I feel blessed that we were able to know her.
November 17th, 2006 at 5:56 pm
I guess it’s safe to say now that you’ve okay with the idea of donations, the mystery envelope was mine. It was a combined conspiracy, though. I whois’d you and was planning on sending something to the address on file but then I was contacted and took a less creepy/stalker-ish route.
I don’t know anyone across the world and you seem as deserving as anyone I’d consider
writting a rubber checkpassing along a donation.November 17th, 2006 at 5:59 pm
My heart brakes for you.You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.God bless you.
November 17th, 2006 at 6:01 pm
Oh thanks for letting us know how the afternoon went by. I’ve thought of you all all day. I hope you can find some rest tonight. God bless.
November 17th, 2006 at 6:05 pm
So peace begins, and peace continues. And it’s so good, almost like you knew, tha tyou have so many people here in this space, that carries out into other spaces, that care so deeply for you and your family and your friends.
We love you all, in that easy, human way.
November 17th, 2006 at 6:10 pm
As much we’d like to contribute some dough right now we can’t. But I do have something else I’d like to contribute to AT & the boys to remember BJ by. If someone close to the family could e-mail me at benwaddell@bellsouth.net at their convenience I can let that person share the idea with AT when it’s appropriate.
November 17th, 2006 at 6:15 pm
WHOA. That post brought me to tears for the 2nd time today. Please post the donation details when you can. Take good care.
November 17th, 2006 at 6:18 pm
My thoughts are with you
November 17th, 2006 at 6:36 pm
Just here and just praying for you and the boys tonight.
November 17th, 2006 at 6:40 pm
I am so sorry for your loss and your family’s loss. My heart goes out to you and your sons. To see what your wide is seeing and experiencing right now and forever you can read Revelation, Chapter 21 verses 9 - ? (through whenever you feel like not reading anymore). This is what I read to my mom right before she passed.
November 17th, 2006 at 6:42 pm
You have been incredibly brave writing the way you have through this- Thank you for sharing your love of your wife with us.
You know things are going to be hard. Terrible actually- but you have a lot of people around you that love you.
There is a blog I like called 37 days that at some point, when you are stronger, you may like to read: http://37days.typepad.com/37days/
Thesis is, live your life as if you have 37 days left to live. The writer’s step father passed when she was 19 in 37 days from he point he was diagnosed with cancer.
I don’t think you’re ready to read it for a while, but when you are, I think you will find her essays special.
I hope that if you feel yourself slip into the big D that you get yourself to a doc.
Take care of yourself. Let yourself beat up innanimate objects if you have to.
Namaste.
November 17th, 2006 at 6:44 pm
I found your site through Amalah and I want you to know I will keep your precious family in my prayers. I am so sorry. God bless you all. Rest in peace, BJ.
November 17th, 2006 at 6:48 pm
My prayers and thoughts are with you and your family at this time. I am so sorry for your loss. Please know that you have people all over the world thinking about and praying for you and your precious boys.
November 17th, 2006 at 6:53 pm
Peace be with you my friend.
November 17th, 2006 at 6:57 pm
Love and light… xoxo
November 17th, 2006 at 7:01 pm
I just started reading your blog a few days ago, but your story touched me so I kept coming back every day. I am sorry for your loss and pray that you will find peace. Thank you again for sharing such a personal time in your life with us.
November 17th, 2006 at 7:06 pm
My prayers are with your family
Mary
November 17th, 2006 at 7:07 pm
Be blessed and may god comfort you.
November 17th, 2006 at 7:19 pm
May God grant you peace, comfort and understanding. I can’t imagine the pain you are going through. As always, you will all be in my thoughts and prayers.
November 17th, 2006 at 7:33 pm
Please, when you have some account info for donations, post it.
And save every single word you’ve written here…it’s important stuff, something people on the medical end need to read. They need to see how their jobs touch people–for good or bad–from your perspetive.
November 17th, 2006 at 7:35 pm
The feelings in my heart are profound and real, but the words sound so
empty. We, too, are trying to cope with losses this year, and I made
teddy bears out of our loved ones favorite shirts for the children. It’s
helping the healing by having something to hug and cry on. Please let me know if I can do the same for you and yours…
November 17th, 2006 at 7:35 pm
I am sorry for your loss. I am saying prayers for you and your family.
November 17th, 2006 at 7:36 pm
I am so sorry. You have been in my thoughts for days now.
November 17th, 2006 at 7:37 pm
I am so, so sorry. Peace BJ.
November 17th, 2006 at 7:39 pm
Today we celebrate a life well lived. Tomorrow we will morn and at sorrow’s door we will remember the life that has touched us all.
November 17th, 2006 at 7:42 pm
This morning, on the way to work, I was behind a car with the license plate GAC - it caught my attention and I felt a panic. I was scared to check your blog and put it off for a few hours. I don’t know you, but I’ve been following your story and praying for your wife and your family. I’m so very sorry for your loss, and I have no idea what to say. I think the diamond is a lovely idea. God Bless you.
November 17th, 2006 at 7:55 pm
I wish I had eloquent words to say but I don’t. I’m so incredibly sorry, it breaks my heart to think of what you and the boys are going through. Our deepest condolences,
Treecy, Tom, Jamie, Sue and Ralph
November 17th, 2006 at 8:04 pm
I hope you and your boys will have the peace that you need. I can’t begin to know what you are going through. You sounds like a great Dad and husband.
I am praying for you and your family.
November 17th, 2006 at 8:04 pm
Give MastaG a kick in the butt for me so he knows everything won’t change, okay?
I love you so much. I love you so very much.
November 17th, 2006 at 8:07 pm
I’ve been thinking of you, your boys and BJ’s family all day.
My thoughts are with you.
November 17th, 2006 at 8:20 pm
I am so very sorry. Please know you and your family are in my prayers.
November 17th, 2006 at 8:27 pm
My mother died when I was 11, and my father was faced with a lot of this. Thank you for allowing me to grieve for my father-as I imagine he suffered and cried and loved much the same as you have. Thank you for sharing this. Thank you.
Salisbury Hill
climbing up on salisbury hill
i could see the city light
wind was blowing, time stood still
eagle flew out of the night
he was something to observe
came in close, i heard a voice
standing, stretching every nerve
i had to listen, had no choice
i did not believe the information
just had to trust imagination
my heart going boom, boom, boom
son, he said
grab your things, i’ve come to take you home
to keep in silence i resigned
my friends would think i was a nut
turning water into wine
open doors would soon be shut
so i went from day to day
though my life was in a rut
until i thought of what i’d say
and which connection i should cut
i was feeling part of the scenery
i walked right out of the machinery
my heart going boom, boom, boom
hey, he said
grab your things, i’ve come to take you home
yeah, back home
when illusion spin her net
i’m never where i want to be
and liberty, she pirouette
when i think that i am free
watched by empty silhouettes
who close their eyes but still can see
no one taught them etiquette
so i will show another me
today i don’t need a replacement
i’ll tell them what the smile on my face meant
my heart going boom, boom, boom
hey, i said
you can keep my things, they’ve come to take me home
November 17th, 2006 at 8:42 pm
What does one say when love has gone other than it is still there just hidden.
AT, I’m sorry. So sorry.
November 17th, 2006 at 8:43 pm
I hope that you and your boys are able to find peace now that BJ is no longer in pain. Sending you all my thoughts ♥
November 17th, 2006 at 8:44 pm
I am so, so, very sorry. Please know that you and your boys and all of your and BJ’s loved ones are in my thoughts and prayers. I have truly been touched by your story and the love that you have for your wife and boys.
November 17th, 2006 at 9:36 pm
I am so, so sorry for you and your family. I’ve been riveted to your site for a week, hanging on your every word and following the ups and downs. Your posts were so touching - I imagine your wife would be proud of the way you’ve told her story here with such eloquence and love. I’ll be thinking about you and hoping that you and your boys can somehow find peace.
November 17th, 2006 at 10:27 pm
Jake,
As I said before, I know words can heal right now, but know that we are here. I talked to both Johnny D and LissaKay tonight at Blogfest and told them both we were here to help anytime in the future. We at Team Swap are not going to stop praying for you all anytime soon. We are here, we are local and we care.
Know that we are praying for God’s support and love in your life, the life of the kids, your families life, and your all’s / BJ’s friends life right now.
Stay strong, be courageous.
November 17th, 2006 at 10:31 pm
The diamond is a beautiful idea. I went to the life gem site. That is awesome.
November 17th, 2006 at 10:35 pm
I am so sorry. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
November 17th, 2006 at 10:35 pm
I am so sorry. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
November 17th, 2006 at 10:50 pm
I’ve never commented on your blog before but I just wanted you to know how deeply saddened I am to hear about the loss of your wife. I pray you and the boys will find comfort in your memories of her…and in each other.
November 17th, 2006 at 11:52 pm
AT bless you for sharing this experience. I am crying for a person I never new in real life. That’s never happened to me before. Credit you for opening your heart so effectively that I feel as though you two are both a part of mine and I am now feeling both sadness and a difficult mix of something more profound. I am sure GAC is looking down and is so proud.
I think the diamond idea is truly beautiful.
November 17th, 2006 at 11:58 pm
I hope you could somehow turn all your blog entries since Nov. 1st into a blog memorial that is always accessible. I would love to ask some friends of mine to have the same experience.
November 18th, 2006 at 12:01 am
Today after reading the post of BJ’s passing I sat at my desk, called my husband and cried. As I have said before my heart hurts for you all all the way from Virginia. I sat at my desk saying a prayer for you all (after raising my cold coffee to drink with everyone in her honor–it was the best I had at the moment), staring at the page and my phone rang. I work in telecommunications so I immediatley looked at the phone number and checked my area code map…Tennessee. I froze and let the call roll to voice mail. It was very wierd and I later found out it was another company asking for help about a phone number, but at the time I was in shock at the timing.
When I saw the metion of an Irish wake I started to smile. It was the same way with my Gramma (LOVE being Irish). I asked her to watch over your family and friends and show BJ the ropes. Then I thought about a tiny piece of paper that was attached to her Life Insurance policy-
“Grieve not,
nor speak of me with tears,
but laugh and talk of me
as if I were beside you…..
I loved you so –
’twas Heaven here with you.”
–by Ilsa Paschal Richardson
Thank you for sharing yoru story and showing us what is truly important in life-
November 18th, 2006 at 12:20 am
I think the LifeGem is a wonderful idea. I’ve thought about it myself. Bless you and your family.
November 18th, 2006 at 8:52 am
AT,
OMG! I didn’t check in for a day or two, and just read this tragic and sad news. I don’t even know you, and I feel like I’ve been hit with a sledgehammer. I am so, so, deeply sorry for your loss. I can’t believe it. I’m in shock. I always thought she’d pull through. I know she wanted to, for you, and for your children. Bless her, her body just couldn’t do it anymore. I’m in a state of shock, and my heart goes out to you and your kids, your family, her family, and everyone whose life she may have touched. Tears are pouring down my face right now, I can’t believe it. I’m so sorry.
Thank you for sharing her story and your story with us. You were and are incredibly brave to do so. Through your writing, I feel like I’ve known you all my life. And I know whereever BJ is now, she’s still with you, and will always be with you, inside you. Again, my deepest condolences to all. You are in my thoughts.
November 18th, 2006 at 10:07 am
I am so sorry. I just found this blog through Mel’s Diner. You write beautifully and I feel the love you have through your words. Thinking of you.
November 30th, 2006 at 10:36 am
I Was away on Thanksgiving holiday when you wrote this, but I did know before I left that she had passed. You are in my prayers and thoughts. God Bless…