November 18th, 2006 by Atomictumor
I bought the stuff, and engaged in that great American therapy, shopping. Now I’m just tired, and I feel it coming on.
Like a freight train, barreling down.
I feel the weight on my shoulders, and I feel it on my chest, constricting me.
I told Mom today, over pizza at Mellow Mushroom (which was the last thing I promised BJ, as she was in pain in the ICU, thirsting like a son of a bitch, but not able to drink water because of her kidneys, that when she got better I’d take her for pizza and a big ol Milk Stout at Mellow Mushroom. I found today that they took Milk Stout off the menu) that whats going to happen is that I’m going to see, or do, one particular thing that I’d normally associate with her, and it would all come crashing down.
For example, walking back from Target (kudos, Busymom!) Pigpen asked to ‘jump’. Thats our parking lot game, where I’ll take one hand, and BJ’ll take the other hand, and say “1, 2, 3, JUMP!” and swing him in the air. I had to do it by myself today.
That could have been the catalyst, but it wasn’t. I’m not sure what will be, but I think its coming.
Monday I’m meeting with the guy from the funeral home. Tomorrow Mom and Dad are going home, and I think I’m going to have them take the kids. I think they’re as comfortable with them at the farm, and Pigpen certainly seems to be more comfortable with a “Mommy presence”. Mom and my sister, that lives nearby, provide that well. MastaG is OK with it, he’ll be playing with KatyK. The deal is they come home immediately if it appears to anybody that they need to.
That way, I’ll have Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday to do this. I might just stay in bed one of those days. I’m not sure.
Now, I know that scheduling something like this normally isn’t a good idea, but we’re just going to give it a try and see if it works. Hell, whats the worse that can happen? I lose my wife?
—
This thing is way, way bigger than I’d imagine. Bigger than I could ever see. It towers over me, like a sheer cliff, miles into the air, and when it comes down, the weight of it will bury me.
I will persevere, because its what I do. I have kids, I have a life, BJ wouldn’t want me to mope (she’d call me ‘emo’).
But guys, I’m not going to be able to stop it. I’ll do my best to hold it off until tomorrow when the boys leave.
BJs gone. This isn’t supposed to happen.
November 18th, 2006 at 4:08 pm
I wish you could see my eyes, my expression, hear my tisks and my ahhh’s and my mmhmm’s. They’d be good for you now, but they don’t play well on the net. Nobody that close to me has ever died on me. So I’m watching and learning. Thanks for the blogging. It keeps me in touch without being intrusive. Give me some of the pain. We can handle about 1/10th of it here between all of us without too much trouble. Then you’ll only have the other 9/10ths. Howzzat?
November 18th, 2006 at 4:20 pm
Do what YOU need to do. Take care of you. Whether that means staying in bed for two days (while the boys are gone, of course) or hiding in your closet smelling the clothes in. Do it. This is big. And the thing is, this is something that I can’t share with you. This is something we can’t share. But dude, I’m here. You hate the phone, so do I, but I’m here and I’ll be there from time to time. I love you.
November 18th, 2006 at 4:21 pm
There’s a difference between feeling the pain and being emo.
Believe me, we’ll call you on the emo bit :)
But, you’ve got to go through it, and I think you can schedule it to some extent - just not always.
Much love your way.
November 18th, 2006 at 4:21 pm
I am so very sorry that you lost your dear wife. Even at your young ages, there is a love that many people don’t ever have in a long life.
You are only a few years older than my own son. I hope that he will have what you had even if it’s only for a little while.
If I lived nearby, I woud bring you a big pot of soup. I don’t,though, so thanks to whoever set up the fund.
November 18th, 2006 at 4:22 pm
No it isn’t suppossed to. Happen. This. It just fucking isn’t man.
I think it’s good that you are giving yourself permission to ride out whatever you need to ride out.
If you need to hide- from everyone- even the computer and us reading what you have shared. . . you do it. . . When you are ready there are all sorts that will be there to help you. ~even to share the task of ‘jump’.
—hug—
November 18th, 2006 at 4:28 pm
Oh Jake. We all hurt for you. It’s okay to be emotional, you are not alone. We ALL love you.
November 18th, 2006 at 4:29 pm
AT, you have a future filled with ‘first times’, my dad is currently going through it right now, and it’s really hard for him. The first time he went to the lake without her, the first time he went shopping without her… I wanted him to come and spend Christmas with me, but he doesn’t think he can deal with the long plane ride alone.
I broke down in my mom’s favorite shoe store, the clerk thought I was nuts. It hits you without warning, the things you wouldn’t expect to be upsetting turn out to be the ‘catalyst’ as you call it.
My only advice is roll with it, don’t ignore the grief like I did for the first month because it will come - all at once, I thought my heart would break.
{{{hugs}}}
November 18th, 2006 at 4:29 pm
So I took what’s mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won’t stop there,
I am here for you if you’d only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I’ve kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I’ve been addicted to you.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I am a dreamer and when I wake,
You can’t break my spirit - it’s my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I’ve seen you cry, I’ve seen you smile.
I’ve watched you sleeping for a while.
I’d be the father of your child.
I’d spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We’ve had our doubts but now we’re fine,
And I love you, I swear that’s true.
I cannot live without you.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I’m asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I’m kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I’m so hollow, baby, I’m so hollow.
I’m so, I’m so, I’m so hollow.
November 18th, 2006 at 4:51 pm
Hi, I’m here via Amy’s “Mom’s Daily Dose” blog and I want to offer my condolences. I’m so sorry for your loss. This is such a tragedy — I wish you strength.
November 18th, 2006 at 4:59 pm
There is nothing we can do to make it any easier for you. Just know that we are all here, quietly holding your e-hand, ready to break down right along with you. Many hugs and thoughts coming your way…
November 18th, 2006 at 5:18 pm
peaceful thoughts and comforting hugs to you. i know the pain of grief first hand, and it takes its own course, you will just follow where it leads you. and it is okay to cry, it is good to cry, comforting almost at times because it is then that you will feel most connected. you are in my thoughts as you begin this journey, one that no one should have to take. bless you and your sweet wife.
November 18th, 2006 at 5:19 pm
I hope you allow yourself whatever you need at this time. You’ve displayed such strength here in your writing, but that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with letting it all go. You’re looking out for your boys as a good dad would. Look out for yourself as well. You deserve it.
Hugs from a stranger…
November 18th, 2006 at 5:43 pm
My beloved put it best. He said, “Grief always brings this song to my mind.”
Look out of any window
any morning, any evening, any day
Maybe the sun is shining
birds are winging or
rain is falling from a heavy sky -
What do you want me to do,
to do for you to see you through?
this is all a dream we dreamed
one afternoon long ago
Walk out of any doorway
feel your way, feel your way
like the day before
Maybe you’ll find direction
around some corner
where it’s been waiting to meet you -
What do you want me to do,
to watch for you while you’re sleeping?
Well please don’t be surprised
when you find me dreaming too
Look into any eyes
you find by you, you can see
clear through to another day
I know it’s been seen before
through other eyes on other days
while going home –
What do you want me to do,
to do for you to see you through?
It’s all a dream we dreamed
one afternoon long ago
Walk into splintered sunlight
Inch your way through dead dreams
to another land
Maybe you’re tired and broken
Your tongue is twisted
with words half spoken
and thoughts unclear
What do you want me to do
to do for you to see you through
A a box of rain will ease the pain
and love will see you through
Just a box of rain -
wind and water -
Believe it if you need it,
if you don’t just pass it on
Sun and shower -
Wind and rain -
in and out the window
like a moth before a flame
It’s just a box of rain
I don’t know who put it there
Believe it if you need it
or leave it if you dare
But it’s just a box of rain
or a ribbon for your hair
Such a long long time to be gone
and a short time to be there
November 18th, 2006 at 5:49 pm
I love you,
to Uncle AT.
-as dictated to jenwright
November 18th, 2006 at 5:50 pm
I think it’s a good idea to take this time for yourself. The boys don’t need to see you break down. They’ll take their cues from you. My heart just breaks for you and those precious boys. I can’t imagine what this is like for all of you. You are a very strong man and even the strongest of men need time to break down and grieve. Everything you are doing is absolutely right and it will get better.
November 18th, 2006 at 6:28 pm
I am glad you’ll have some time to yourself as well. Just know there’s a whole community of people just a mouse click away who will be checking in on your and praying for you. A change of scenery for the boys is probably a good idea too.
Take care and I hope the little guy feels better and sleeps better tonight. You too.
November 18th, 2006 at 6:52 pm
*waves to AT from Target*
There’s nothing wrong with “scheduling” some grief, I’m very much like that myself.
November 18th, 2006 at 7:07 pm
AT, honey, I just ache for you and the boys. This is the hardest thing that you have ever had to go through. There are no rules or guidelines when it comes to grief. It’s just there when it’s there. No matter where you are or what you are doing. But you have to greive, you have to break down. It’s part of the healing process. It does getter better. Sometimes it is slow and sometimes it’s not. Sometimes it will feel like a twinge and sometimes it will fell like that freight train. You can hold it off until you are where you feel like you can deal with it. There’s nothing wrong with that. There’s nothing wrong with grieving by yourself or leaning on someone. You have a wonderful, huge support group here if and when you need us. Just remember that you are strong and no matter what you have people here to help you up when you need it. (((Hugs)))
November 18th, 2006 at 7:25 pm
AT:
Title: Even God Must Get The Blues
Artist: Jo Dee Messina
Pick up any morning paper
Turn on the 6 o’clock news
The devil’s been so busy lately
That even God must get the blues
A young man lies there in the street
His life gone like it was nothin’ to lose
And for the shoes there on his feet
Yes even God must get the blues
When the rain falls down from heaven, it must be the angels cryin’
For all the sorrow in the world tonight
A young girl hides her face in shame
So they can’t see it’s been battered and bruised
Like she’s the one to blame
Yes even God must get the blues
Pick up any evening paper
Turn on the 10 o’clock news
The devil’s been so busy lately
That even God must get the blues
Yeah even God must get…
The blues
We all feel your pain. You aren’t alone. The Angels cry for you. Christ Weeps. But they welcome them into their home while she watches over you and the boys and waits for it to be time for you to reunite.
November 18th, 2006 at 7:51 pm
I’ve been thinking about you and the boys all day. {{{hugs}}}
November 18th, 2006 at 7:55 pm
Hope you had a “good” time shopping for a case….maybe like therapy, that’s what shopping is for me and riding my horses. Just know there is no right or wrong here…it’s your tragedy and the boys. Let them go, do whatever makes all of you happy and helps you move thru this. Kids are interesting creatures…we still deal with things with my 8 yr old and I don’t expect it will ever completely go away and we deal with things on a totally different level with the 4 yr old because she never knew “him”….. so it’s all about choices based on your unique place and time. Thank God, you can control those….’cause Lord knows all the rest of it was out of your control or mine (in my case).
Be Blessed, Be at Peace!
Tonya
November 18th, 2006 at 9:39 pm
I understand the phone thing. I am NOT a phone talker. In fact, when I am hurting, or working something through, I am not a talker at all. It’s not denial or anything. I just prefer to deal with my issues internally, and I don’t have the energy to try to “emote” to anyone. And I am a far worse talker than I am a writer.
And you’re right. It wasn’t supposed to happen. It isn’t fair.
Through Katrina, I would meet people and talk and joke about being homeless, and people would tell me how brave we were. Courage implies you have a choice. It’s all perservering. You get up every morning, and you go to bed every night. You deal with your business in between, because what alternative is given you? You grieve when you can, even if you have to schedule it. But you go on.
Some people choose to change their lives. But for most of us, fate just comes along, yanks away our cards and deals us a new hand. And we go on.
After reading this, I just want you to know, I am not as self-absorbed as I sound. It’s just a way to try to reach out and tell you you are not so alone.
Peace to you.
November 20th, 2006 at 11:37 am
I am so sorry for your loss, AT. My thoughts are of you and your boys and your families. May God and Peace be with you all.