November 18th, 2006 by Atomictumor
Well, here I am. I have yet to be stricken mad by any crazy wild waves of grief. I was mighty tired when I wrote that countdown post, and it felt close, but I hung out with Daco, and my folks, and played with my new geeky toys, and cleaned up the room a little, and ate some supper, and talked to BJ’s folks, and here we are.
I’m laughing with my folks. I have a sore throat, and a pretty husky voice, but its from the cold/allergies/phelm stuff I picked up. I can totally sing the Shaft song. People probably think its from grief, which is ironic. So far, the grief hasn’t hit.
Its been like a “Damn. Damn dude, she is dead?” kinda thing.
—
One thing, to be blunt, that I’m really NOT into are all the people calling that want me to call them back. Dude, I’m not into talking about this on the phone. Not because I’ll break down and cry, and have a moment, and whatnot, but because I really just don’t want to. As in, in a very strong way.
I acknowledge her death. I hope she’s watching, laughing at us having as good a time as we can, I talk about the mock freedoms I have now (like being able to grab a random shampoo off the shelf at Target without reading the label, or being able to seize back some of the closet room that I ceded to her). Sometimes, tho, like today when I realized that I’d not be cooking more Ramen noodles, which was a staple of her diet, I freeze. At that moment, I was in the kitchen, and my mind reset. I stopped, leaned my head against the counter, and had no thoughts for a minute or two. Nothing. Just shock. No more ramen noodles. No more BJ. Ever.
So, anyway, don’t call me and expect a callback. Sure, I love you, and I am very, very, very thankful for your words, and your sympathy, and your grief over my, theirs, and your loss, but I’m not going to talk to you about it beyond giving you the website.
Now, I’ll talk on the shoutbox about it. I’ll answer any question you have, provided that you catch me when I’m around. If you email me, you stand a good chance of hearing something back. Send an email to anything with @atomictumor.com after it, and I’ll get it via the amazing AT robot we have. No telephone. If you stop by the house, particularly after the kids leave, I probably won’t answer the door, unless you’re on fire.
I don’t suggest lighting yourself on fire to get my attention. That’d be bad.
—
Yes, things are strange. Strange, weird. Not quite surreal, but odd. Not right. This shouldn’t happen to us. It certainly shouldn’t happen to BJ. I minimize my windows and look at that picture, one that her parents took, that I’ve never seen until now. She’s standing by the back door, her head is cocked, her hands are loose and in her pockets, and she’s in her element. She’s beautiful. She’s striking, and vibrant, and alive. She only had another year or so to live.
Wow. Who the hell knew?
I look forward to the time alone. The kids will be back up at the slightest sign of problems, but I think they’ll do fine without me. I regret that they’re not here to take to BJs parents, because they may help them, but I have to take care of us first, to have the best thing for them. Or something like that.
We’re going to watch a movie now, so I’m going to put the bitchin’ laptop down now. I’ll let you know what happens next.
—
BTW, I changed the sidebar for updated info.
November 18th, 2006 at 8:08 pm
I can’t imagine what you’re going through. Like I said earlier, you and your family are in my prayers. I would love to see the picture you’re describing, but understand if that’s not something you do.
November 18th, 2006 at 8:09 pm
You do what you need to do during this time. I bet there’ll be people who will be concerned about what you are or aren’t displaying or saying or whatever…there’s no guidebook on grieving. You do it your way. I don’t blame you for not wanting to answer the phone. Don’t answer it and don’t give it another thought.
November 18th, 2006 at 8:18 pm
I can’t stop visiting here. My heart breaks for you and your family. I am a little confused, you said in this post “she only had another year or so to live”. I am shocked, and often confused on the site so I re-read like a maniac trying to figure it out. What does that mean?
November 18th, 2006 at 8:19 pm
You’ve been on my mind today. Thatisall.
November 18th, 2006 at 8:19 pm
I will be worried about you while you are alone but, I promise not to show up . Please call if you need me.
November 18th, 2006 at 8:23 pm
All the things that have bothered me in the past month seem so unbelievably insignificant after reading about your last few weeks.
I am a total stranger, but I have been bawling through your posts.
I will keep you and your family in my thoughts . And if these words help at all, I am very sorry for your loss.
November 18th, 2006 at 8:25 pm
All the things that have been driving me crazy lately have faded into oblivion, after reading what you have been through the past few weeks.
I am a complete stranger, but I have bawled my eyes out over your posts. If the words help at all, I am so very sorry for your loss.
I will keep your family in my thoughts.
November 18th, 2006 at 8:26 pm
sorry for the duplicate, my computer sucks.
November 18th, 2006 at 8:46 pm
That’s not guilt up there, is it? The part about not returning phone calls, I mean. People will call, ’cause they can. And you can ignore them, ’cause you can. Everyone who is supposed to will understand not getting an immediate callback… and everyone else, whatever. They’ll learn.
Here’s hoping the nausea subsides for your little guy. I think the younger you are, the more tightly entwined your emotions and physical health… or at least, as we get older, we hide it better.
November 18th, 2006 at 8:55 pm
It seems odd that people want you return calls. I’m sorry they don’t see the burden that puts on you.
As you’ve found, grief will come at strange times. Probably after the formal stuff has passed and you are left alone with it. My thoughts are will you.
November 18th, 2006 at 9:08 pm
I received an e-mail tonight with your link and a request for prayers for you and your family. I have read some of your thoughts and they brought me to tears. Words are useless at this time and we all grieve in our own way. You are both so very young and we never expect to lose someone we love at a young age. You are correct that you have to carry on for your kids and because your wife would want you to, but allow yourself to grieve and say No when you just need time alone for yourself and with your kids .
You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I’m not sure why things like this happen . BJ lived 29 years, touched many lives and had kids she loved. She touched your life, changed it and will always be in your heart. In an essence she will never be gone as she’ll always be with you, her kids and family. May God help you through this ordeal and along your path.
God Bless
November 18th, 2006 at 9:10 pm
AT, you can email me a list of phone numbers and I will totally pretend to be your personal assistant …
*really nasal voice*
Yes, Mr. Tumor appreciates your call …
November 18th, 2006 at 10:04 pm
i just caught up.. i had about 5 posts to read. dammit, you write too quick! lol.. and i’m crying. again.
i offer you a hug. a big, stupid, virtual, not real, hug. if it was in person, you’d love it. i’m a super fucking hugger. promise. :)
i can’t believe all of this. how quick, how everything. it reminds me of another woman blogger i came across who lost her husband at the age of 28- and she expressed frustration at the amount of resources not available to help her deal with this, at that age. i wish i could remember her blog name. if i find it, i’ll send it to you. maybe you can find comfort in someone who can at least relate to something of this craziness.
anyway… thank you for continuing to share. and i send you all my best
November 18th, 2006 at 10:24 pm
I know you have a million other things going on but I have a question: are there any particular charities (especially international charities - I live in Germany) for issues or things that your wife felt strongly about? I wouldn’t want to donate money to serve her memory to something that would have appalled her (and, of course, you).
I just want to add that your writing about your wife’s illness and death has been possibly the most honest writing I’ve ever read. My thoughts are with you and your family.
November 18th, 2006 at 10:31 pm
Court, no, not really. Really, we never had the opportunity to be charitable. I hate to say it, but it never came up. We were always broke, and we were self absorbed in our own thing.
She would appreciate something heartfelt. Thats the best I can tell you, right now. For you, if donating to causes has meaning, go ahead. If volunteering to build a house, cool. I really don’t know.
November 18th, 2006 at 10:43 pm
I am so very, very sorry for your loss. Do what you need to do and just love your kids. You will be in my prayers..
November 18th, 2006 at 10:55 pm
AT, from experience I think you are handling the situation like a champ. I can identify with everything you post…and I mean everything. Don’t answer the damn phone if you don’t want to. Don’t get up if you don’t want to. If somebody wants to set themselves on fire then push ‘em in the bushes. It’s weird that certain peoples think you’re supposed to act a certain way towards grief. To hell with that. I guess my family has a penchant for dark humor. If you’re dead, well yeah, we’re gonna cry and miss you but your life and love was enjoyable to have. Your screw-ups were even better. Laugh, my friend, laugh. Crying will come in it’s own time.
November 18th, 2006 at 10:58 pm
AT - Pigpen and MG aren’t into ramen noodles?
Kym - I think what he meant was that photo was taken a year ago. When they didn’t know she would only have a year to live.
November 18th, 2006 at 10:58 pm
Probably the problem is when people call, you’ve lost your choice to be able to talk about it when you want to. The nice thing about this site is that it’s up to you when you want to communicate. Only you know when you feel like talking about it. People need to understand that.
November 18th, 2006 at 11:13 pm
Lynnster, thanks for fielding the question, yah, thats how it is.
And, no. BJ was the only Ramen eater. Hell, thats just about ALL she ate. Girl was picky.
November 19th, 2006 at 12:41 am
Back again to check in. I was thinking of you guys all day. Take good care, AT.
November 19th, 2006 at 7:35 pm
LONGEST MOST TEDIOUS COMMENT EVER … sometimes with you, it’s like reading a book in small increments where i am dying to comment and i can - not that you always comment back but the fact that if you want to, you can … kind-of cool. neither here nor there but cool. nothing that is happening is by “cool” but getting to know you without getting to know you is cool. not that i have anything against getting to know you and your fam outside of this … i want to someday … i just know that timing may suck now. but [i reitterate] BUT, i do encourage you to, if you are ever coming down new york avenue all “emo” and are in need of company and think no one else is around (as if you’d be scraping the bottom of the bucket with us), you have friends here so feel free to walk in as if it’s nothing. west newcomb - look for the big red van, plate number is … just kidding. or if your kids need to take their minds off grief … it’s all i have to offer which is why i keep offering. i am not a knitter so we’ll leave the healing shawls to CA, i don’t bake or cook so much. but love pigpen and all kids in general, i have instant friends for them here already, and our fridge is regualrly stocked with beer… not for the kids, mind you. i may scare you but know my intentions are good. and my prayers are endless.