You guys aren’t going to believe this, but…
November 18th, 2006 by Atomictumor
I’m having a great morning.
Yeah, got the whole dead wife thing, but she’s not hurting anymore, and the uncertainty is over. Sure, it had a nasty outcome, but it truly could have been worse. She could have been brain-alive enough to keep her body alive. That would have been soooo worse.
Last night, poor ol Pigpen threw up a few more times. He isn’t sick, isn’t running a fever, is fine in the day, when his defenses are up. At night, I think it comes to him, like it can to me. The nerves get him, and he rejects everything, including his stomach contents. After I cleaned him up the first time, and went to sleep (sleep came without trouble), I vaguely remember waking up again, with his bed being placed in my room, and fresh blankets on it. He had thrown up again.
And then, about 2, evidently 30 minutes after being moved into my room, he started throwing up again. I got the sick bowl, and put it under his head, so it didn’t make a mess. He didn’t have any more food in there. I rubbed his head, and told him I loved him.
That little Pigpen is something else. He doesn’t do helpless. He doesn’t puddle up, and cuddle into your arms to make him feel better. He deals with things in his own, sweet little way. I think he’s trying to ignore it.
I’m going to see about getting the preschool to help with this. As fatherly as it sounds, I think they have a bond with him that I don’t have, and they certainly have more knowledge of the freaky minds of the 4 year old.
MastaG was sad as he went to bed, but he’s running around, playing now. No mention from him about yesterday, but he’s OK with talking about it if I bring it up. He’s going to need help also.
Me, I’m not going to go looking for help yet. One thing I’ve learned about this, is that the mini-hell I went through at 17 with my head problems has gotten me more prepared for this than the average bear.
—
Now, I know what happens. Everybody worries about the person that says “I’m OK.” Everybody believes that they don’t understand, or are repressing, or something like that. I’m not going to try to talk you out of thinking this, because my unconscious mind may well be doing that stuff, and I may well be running around naked with the samurai sword like somebody joked yesterday. Not today, or tomorrow, I don’t think, but the point is I have no idea what this will bring.
I know its going to bring things that I’m not feeling now. I vaguely wish my head would go ahead and get it over and done with so I can concentrate on the important things, how much I love BJ, how lucky I was to have her, how much I’m going to miss her.
I say these words intellectually right now. Maybe I’m waiting for the arrangements to be over, and then I’ll have the vacancy of mind to deal with it.
Like Gnarls Barkley says,
I remember when,
I remember, I remember when I lost my mind,
There was something so special about that day
Even your emotions have an echo
In so much space.
—
Songs were coming back to me this morning. One by Of Montreal seemed particularly apt, at least the first verse:
Over a sea of grief Scarlet died,
above her dying mind were fossilfied memory imprints of her favorite day,
for a minute I stayed watching this brilliant display,
until a god with a broom came and swept them away.
But the thing with these songs, and the reason that I haven’t gotten much from poetry, is that I need the music to let it click.
Thats something I’ve been intending to do, is hook you up with the music. I’m making a CD, that I’m sure I’ll find some apt title for, out of the music that meant something during these past few weeks. I’ll put the song I heard after I said goodbye, and the song I played when I found out she was sick.
I might even through Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da on it, since its the closest thing the world ever gave us to “our song”.
Because I was a little wrong yesterday, it is still about BJ. Its about doing right by her. Its about honoring her.
One joy that I had recently, is I think now she knows about all this. I wanted to tell her so badly, to marvel with her at this, and unfortunately we can’t share that marvel together, but at least we can share it apart.
—
Today I’m going to be free. I’m no longer, and never again will be chained to the 10, 1, 3, 5:30, and 8:30, tho I think I’ll always know when those times pass.
I’m going to buy a laptop case for the awesomeness that is “GoldenAppleCorp”. I think I’m going to get a new router, because my old crappy Belkin keeps crapping out. I might get a memory stick, because.
I’m going to get some birthday presents for G. I know, at this moment, what some of them will be, but as usual, I’ll surprise myself with others.
Believe me, folks. Right now, it is still about the beauty. I have no doubt that the pain will come, on these cold winter days, and that this will end up being a bleak winter, but the beauty will shine through, if I have the eyes to see it.
And if I don’t, I can reread this old stuff. Maybe I’ll be reading the one that BJ is.
November 18th, 2006 at 9:57 am
I spent some time reading the previous posts and comments and had a thought about blessings- that you were spared the decisions warring between BJ’s wisshes, concern for her parents and wanting to hold on to her. We are keeping vigil with you and for her.
November 18th, 2006 at 10:06 am
Tranformers: The Movie just came out on DVD. MastaG might like that, or just grab a copy for yourself.
November 18th, 2006 at 10:21 am
We’re still here with you, AT. Take your time, and take good care. Jules
November 18th, 2006 at 10:25 am
The beauty will always shine through where you least expect it, because no one can take from you the imprint she made on your life. Yes, there will be pain, but her goodness will always be present as well. It’s part of who you are now, who the kids are, and a small part of anyone who knew her even a little bit.
Now, it’s up to us to carry that on.
November 18th, 2006 at 10:27 am
Hi. I’ve been reading recently.
I have certainly never had to grieve something as hard as you are doing right now, but the last time I grieved something big, I remember that lovely, gentle, fabulous stage of shock and denial. Loved it! Found it to be a relief! So I say, enjoy all the shock and denial you can. The bubble will burst, you clearly are aware of that, but don’t apologize for being in the bubble.
I’ll be praying for you.
Erica
November 18th, 2006 at 10:30 am
Nah, no apologies for the bubble. However, I will apologize for the cruddy formatting on the post. It made my geekiness cry. I fixed it.
Thanks all!
November 18th, 2006 at 10:34 am
Still here in Germany thinking of you and your family.
November 18th, 2006 at 10:36 am
I think that God has blessed us with a peculiar numbness to follow the death of a loved one. It’s like the people around you feel the loss and emotion, but you just can’t get there. You see the pain in their faces and comments and think - “Why them and not me?”. I also think that music is very comforting. It’s odd the way that an artist that you’ve never met can put your feelings to paper and music so well. Kind of like you have, AT, for the world on this blog. This morning when I first stepped out into the bright sunshine, my thoughts turned to BJ. I remembered the fog and clouds that have been around all week, and now there gone. It’s a new day and BJ has threw some sunshine our way. Thanks—
November 18th, 2006 at 10:36 am
Comp USA has a sale going on for your computer bindge delight as well as best buy.
tg
November 18th, 2006 at 10:37 am
Jacob, I may be spelling your name wrong and I apologize for that. No words I can say are going to ease the pain you have and will have. I can say that what you are doing with these postings is an awesome tribute to BJ and to the love you two shared. When I first met you two I was living in an apartment and you guys came over with Bobbi (I’m Navada’s mom) and Gabe was little and you put him on my waterbed to sleep. We made sure we had pillows all around him and he was precious. The thing that hit me the most (besides the height difference) when I first met you two was the love that you two had. For young people to have that love I I thought was awesome. I haven’t see you guys in years and haven’t seen the baby at all but I’ve tried to keep up through Bobbi. I’ve learned that there are things we don’t understand but that God has his reasons and one day you will be with BJ again. When my husband passed away on Jan 23 2005 I kept everything together as much as I could eventhough everything was kind of in a fog. It took until June for it to finally really really hit me. Everyone has their own way of dealing with the grief and when you’re ready to you will. It’s not something we can plan, it’s just something that happens. It gives me comfort to know that he is in heaven and one day we will be together. I still have things left to do here and when I am done and my time comes he’ll be waiting there, just like BJ will for you, with a “warm wet kiss” as the song says. One thing I know is that Calvin is in a better place, without all the poking and prodding and pain and I honestly feel BJ is too. the only thing I can say is that you and the children and your families are in the thoughts and prayers of a lot of people, those who knew you and those that didn’t and have gone through this with you through your postings. I pray for peace for all of you at this time.
November 18th, 2006 at 11:05 am
You’re right, AT. It is all about the beauty. Thanks for reminding me.
November 18th, 2006 at 11:06 am
I’ve grieved desperately for someone I loved before, but my grief came right away, and lasted so long that I became ill myself. You are one step ahead of all of us because you have been writing and sharing most (all?) of your thoughts and feelings on a day to day basis since this whole thing began - and it helps. Writing always helps.
I’m not saying grief won’t come, because it will. But you are grieving already in your writing, and I think that will help carry you along.
November 18th, 2006 at 11:15 am
I just came across your blog today via another blog and wanted to extend my condolences on the loss of your wife. My prayers go out to you, your kids, and the whole family. I’m sorry for your loss.
November 18th, 2006 at 11:44 am
Grieve in your own way. My wife lost her mother earlier this year under similar circumstances (brain dead and finally removed from a breathing tube). Definitely better tio know they aren’t suffering but godddamned hard to take just the same.
I’ve experienced more death this year than ever before, (friend’s suicide, putting down my best friend of 17 years, and my wife’s mother). I won’t say I know how you feel and all that rot, my only advice, though, is to feel that pain.
Hang in there. I found out with blogging about my decision to put my dog down that there are a lot of people out there in the blogosphere who care, even if you never get to meet them.
November 18th, 2006 at 11:48 am
AT, you have already shared much with us and that is incredibly thereputic for all of us. I am not a psychologist, but I know much of what Pigeon is going through from personal experience. The familiar and constants that are still within his reach will be his anchors. I believe that you are on solid ground to let him explore his feelings with those whom he is most comfortable. Just being there and available when he needs you is a gift that he will forever treasure…I thank God that he has you.
November 18th, 2006 at 11:52 am
Thinking of you today.
November 18th, 2006 at 12:06 pm
I won’t tire of hearing about you. It’s one of the privileges of life. Write any time - tomorrow, or next week or in 5 years. I’m ready to make plans to come for the big bash. Eager to hear when. Love ya still…
November 18th, 2006 at 12:13 pm
Hey AT from home. You are so much on my mind, in my heart and in my prayers. I do know that when I lost my dad to Leukemia I was expecting him to make it through as well. I had a hard time accepting that he was gone, but I knew I had to be strong for my mom, my sister and family. It was about 3 months when it hit me and it hit hard. If it were not for my faith in the Lord I would have crumbled right then I think. The worst part was that it hit in my office at work. My office mates were great too and they came to me to give me comfort, let me cry which I didn’t want to do - but it was like a dam breaking - I later about 2 months later went to a couple grief meetings at Baptist Hospital which helped me, then realized that the Lord had prepared me in all I went through to reach out to some of the others that were there. I just went to listen and receive what I could to help me - but was able to give back too. You have given so much already in your sharing your heart and we all have been blessed beyond words - there is no doubt that you will also be able to reach out more once the Lord helps you during these times. We are all here for you my friend - God bless you - give your boys a hug for me ok? I know both parents are hurting right now - her parents for sure - my love and prayers are being sent their way too. We love ya AT.
November 18th, 2006 at 12:50 pm
I find myself reading your words and overwhelmed.
You really love her and that is so wonderful. I”m glad you got to spend the time you had together.
If you need anything from Hooterville (Weakley County, Tennessee) you got it.
November 18th, 2006 at 12:53 pm
Very smart to get help with the little one at his preschool. Reach out to the teachers there, the other parents. Keep an eye on that little guy too, make sure he’s drinking enough with all that throwing up. And don’t shy away from seeking help from therapists for the boys. You are so lucky to have the family there to help out too.
November 18th, 2006 at 12:54 pm
hi AT. you dont know me and you have never talked to me. im 15 years old and my name is Erin. I am Califdudes daughter. shes been telling me all about you and your wife and your kids and i have been just so touched. you have the bigest heart and you share it with all of us. your the toughest, kindest, strongest guy it will ever talk to. i prayed all day for you and your family. you truley do love her and she is very special to have had you. you have shown all of us that no matter how hard things may get its ok to talk about it and instead of being sad it helps to see the good things that may come and show your kids a good example. you truley are my hero, i am so glad i got to here about you thank you for sharing all of your heart to us. sincerely Erin
November 18th, 2006 at 1:33 pm
AT, I talked to your mom today. What an amazing woman she is! She was telling me how grateful you are to everyone who is sending their support via the blog. I want you to know how grateful WE are to you. You have let us in to your personal world of pain and love and made us think about how precious life is. Your strength has inspired so many and changed us in a profound way. Thank you for that.
Keep seeing the beauty and showing it to us.
love from PT
November 18th, 2006 at 1:39 pm
I just checked your site for the first time since yesterday morning…I know what it feels like to go through post traumatic stress disorder and have to raise a young child at the same time. From what I have read about you, I have a very strong feeling you will get through this well. There will be days when it is going to be hard, I’m not going to lie to you there. I’ve been a single mom for the last five years to a now seven year old. If you are anything like me you will even amaze yourself with your strength and ability to keep the train moving through the storm. When you give your sons hugs and kisses - know that they are her legacy. Hugs to you and I will continue to check on your blog often.
November 18th, 2006 at 2:14 pm
Still thinking of you all, especially Pigpen (I have a four-year-old son of my own, so Pigpen has stolen my heart just a little).
November 18th, 2006 at 2:23 pm
Glad to hear from you this morning. Keeping you in my heart.
November 18th, 2006 at 2:45 pm
I think In some ways, closure is a good thing. And the songs coming back to you? Definately a sign of healing. We’re all ready to take that journey with you.
November 18th, 2006 at 2:46 pm
This is a wonderful way to remember your wife. I would print all this out into a booklet for your children. I will be praying for you and your family. I can’t say I know what you are going through. I really don’t have a clue but know my heart and prayers are with you. Your love shines through and God is surely with you all.
November 18th, 2006 at 2:54 pm
Wanted to check in to say that you are on my mind, and in my heart.
November 18th, 2006 at 3:07 pm
I’ve been reading here for several days, but didn’t have a chance to yesterday and had no idea that BJ was gone. Keep remembering her beauty. I’ll be praying for you and the boys and everyone else who loved her.
November 18th, 2006 at 3:27 pm
Keep the numbness as long as you can. Just remember that you have all these people out here pulling for yo and your family. Remembering you in my prayers. Said a really long one last night. It was really hard for me to go to sleep thinking about you guys. Peace be with you. flameslgs
November 18th, 2006 at 8:19 pm
The eyes to see… the ears to hear.