November 19th, 2006 by Atomictumor
I’m the roof of the parking garage right now. This is what it is.
I’d like to thank Al Gore and his internet for making it possible for me to be right here, at this place, and write these words. And whoever has an unsecured wifi connection here, they’re helping too.
—
I spoke with Dad. He said that Pigpen got to pet a cow, which he was really, REALLY wanting to do. He’s “in hog heaven” right now, and last I heard, was playing with some toys.
MastaG and KatyK were running around the farm.
Its therapeutic, and will be a big help.
—
I spoke with BJ’s dad a moment ago, and he’s heartbroken. We couldn’t complete our conversation. He wanted to check on the boys, and on me. I envy him, that the grief is real. I don’t feel like I’m letting her down by not falling apart, but I feel like it’ll be good to do it.
I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop.
—
I’ve been dry eyed again.
But I’ve talked to BJ.
I told her two secrets, the only two I ever kept from her. I told her its embarrassing to admit, and I know you would have kicked my ass in real life if she knew. I told her I’m so sorry for keeping them from her, even on her deathbed. I asked her if she can be at peace with that.
I was open to a sign.
I sat down to the living room computer, to a picture of her that I didn’t know was there. Her smiling, in her “dumbass” sorta way.
I take that as a sign.
She’ll always be with me. I love her with an undying passion, a love that can’t stop, or smother.
I know the intensity, and the pain will fade away. I will always be her soulmate, however, and I will await the day we’ll be complete again.
—
Its cold, and I didn’t have the sense to bring a jacket (only 45 degrees, but my canadian hybrid blood can go down a good 7 degrees more before it becomes too cold for me), and I really have to pee.
I’ll leave the roof, and GAC’s memorial.
—
OH YEAH, I almost forgot, I’m aiming to have the celebrations and wakes and whatnot on Saturday. BJs party will be at Barleys, I’ve talked to em, if all works out it’ll be at 6ish in the banquet room upstairs. We’ll spring for pizza, you get your own beer.
—
Baby, I love you so much. You know that. Now you finally might know just how much.
—
Edit - 5 minutes later.
OK, one more picture. This is the view that Pigpen liked so much.
November 19th, 2006 at 1:33 pm
I like that view, too.
November 19th, 2006 at 1:44 pm
I can’t remember if I related this or not - Friday night Gabe’s 3 classmates were here spending the night and I overheard MJ say (Gabe’s coach son from last year) “This is for Gabe’s mom” and he started playing “Ode to Joy” then each kid took a turn and played it. Just want you to know that when Gabe gets home and back to the routine, he has good friends that will be there for him at school too.
November 19th, 2006 at 2:06 pm
I’d be remiss not to mention that there are people in the world who hurt worse than we do, and don’t have an outlet to voice it. If you feel called to donate, please understand that a donation to many charities would help these people, and would honor the memory of BJ.
Amazing that you’d think of such a thing at this moment. I guess I can see what kind of gal BJ was, seeing what kind of a guy she married. Good on ya, mate.
November 19th, 2006 at 2:10 pm
AT, is there a Barley’s in Oak Ridge, or the one in The Old City. (forgive my ignorance of OR.) Thank you.
November 19th, 2006 at 2:25 pm
Dana, we could only WISH there was a Barley’s in Oak Ridge. No, it’s the one in Knox… which brings back memories of the chat about “AT’s Pub” back when there was a forum on the ‘Tumor.
AT, I think that the hospital set up open-access WiFi because they recognize that people communicate this way. When Beta had her foot surgery last summer, I was able to keep working while I waited.
November 19th, 2006 at 2:43 pm
Beautiful memorial to GAC; so simple. Beautiful post.
November 19th, 2006 at 2:48 pm
AT,
I know what you mean about the grieving process, and waiting for the other shoe to drop. It’s been nearly a year now since my mother passed, and I really haven’t cried much. Sure, I cried at her funeral, but there haven’t been many times since then. And it’s not that I don’t want to, in fact, quite the opposite - I almost feel as if I’m doing her a disservice by NOT crying. And that’s simply not true, not in my case, and not in yours, as you already realize. There will be many moments where it comes on suddenly. For me, it happens a lot at night, when I am alone with my thoughts. But its happened too when I least expected it. I was telling a friend recently a story about my mom and suddenly had to turn my head away, because I found tears welling up in my eyes. I’m not really sure where I’m going with this, other than to say the grief will come, probably in bits and pieces, but you are right, it does help. Don’t deny it when it does come, and don’t try to keep it in.
In the days since your wife’s untimely passing, I have found myself crying quite a bit. For you, for her, for your children. And…for my mom. As a comedian once said, “it’s deja vu all over again.” I know sort of how you feel, and you will all remain in my thoughts for many, many days to come.
November 19th, 2006 at 2:55 pm
That’s so wonderful, her initials on the ramp! So wonderful.
November 19th, 2006 at 3:34 pm
Whether it be her initials on a ramp, the shopping list in a drawer, a note on the fridge…I have a feeling BJ will always be around.
November 19th, 2006 at 3:39 pm
Thank you, Netmom.
November 19th, 2006 at 3:51 pm
Oh, AT. I’m so, so sorry.
November 19th, 2006 at 5:13 pm
AT, i stumbled onto this site through a friend of a friend and had been following along for about the past week here and there and logged on today to read the news. i don’t know you and didn’t know bj but i wish you peace. your how we met story made me smile because i lived in clement (no limit clement!) and had many a meal at sophie’s. i’m sending healing vibes to you and your boys.
November 19th, 2006 at 7:54 pm
I saw this on a card, AT, and thought of you: You are a space where earth tells her story, sings her songs, dances her dreams awake!
You are a Gift which only you can be. See you on the weekend
Aunt
November 19th, 2006 at 7:58 pm
AT, I am sorry for your loss and that of your children. I stumbled on to your site from a site that was linked to Bob Gentrys. More than 30 years ago when I was 14 we lost my brother due to a drunk driver killing him as he was walking along the road with his fiance at night. They were due to get married in a week. I was 14. At times I still cry, especially when I read stories like yours. The greif comes again but it feels cleansing, not unbearable like at the first. You never stop missing. Hold on to your babies. Love them for all they are worth. I can tell from your postings that you will. My husband and I have seven children and every time I read a story like yours it encourages me to love my man all the more. And let him know how much I appreciate him. Best wishes to you and God bless.
November 19th, 2006 at 9:45 pm
I have been reading your blog and while I don’t know you or your family, I am greiving. I am 34 and I have a 4 year old that I know would not understand if he lost his mommy right now. I admire you. People greive in different ways and while it will come, it might come in a way you don’t expect. Please know, you have touched many. You will stay in my thoughts for sometime. And on a side note, the fact that you could think of others and donate your beloved BJ’s organs to strangers speaks volumes about you, BJ, and your family. Thank you for letting me be a part of your world.
November 19th, 2006 at 10:17 pm
AT,
WOW. I’m at a loss for words, which is not ordinarly my nature. But WOW. Dag, life sure deals people a lot of curve balls sometimes that seem to hit you smack in the face. Your thoughtfulness to donate organs to people who otherwise would have no hope without them is AWESOME. Luckly my mom and I talked about it before she passed and she wanted to donate anything and everything useable. BJ was a truly gifted lady. To have the family both of you have so freely spoken of. May her gifts continue to grow thru you and your family and may you all find a much needed peace during this time and the years to come. Thank you for blogging this, I cannot put into words what it has done for Daddy Goose and myself. Take care.