Atomictumor

I spent the afternoon, as I mentioned, sorting through pictures to find the 26 that would tell the story of BJ’s life in a concise, DVD format way.  Did you notice the sarcasm? 

I’m still having a hard time working up much excitement for the wake (well, excitement isn’t the word, maybe… uh… hmm… devotion, thats better).  I found lovely pictures, 26, from her birth, through her teenage years, through adulthood, two children, husband, ending with a lovely picture from our renewal a few months ago.  I’ll put them all up here, this weekend maybe.

So, one thing about the solemn wake on Saturday morning that sounds nice is that my aunt, Aunt Nun around here, is going to wrangle my other aunt (well, one of several of them.  I try not to count my aunts) to officiate the proceedings.  They’ll play some nice music, and it should be lovely.

Good for the family, yes.  And those tradition kinda folks.  And, hell, maybe me, in a few years.  Right now, its an obligation I’d worm out of if it were possible. 

However, like the gentleman I am, I’ll smile and shake hands, and I’ll mean it.  I’d be suprised if you see a tear on me, so don’t expect much that way.

—

With regards to the whole tear thing, I’m not bothering looking for any particular emotion.  I’m so open to ending up wherever I go (like yesterday, and today, not having a place to be, and just ending up where I’m supposed to be), but I’ve been trying to micromanage my emotions.  Whatever.  I’m done.  I’ll just emote as emotion comes.  I’m sure it’ll be an inappropriate time. 

“Hello, assembled people of the UN.  Yes, I acknowledge that you have appointed me ‘most awesome guy on earth’… wait… my wife used to have those glasses… 

OH GOD…

OH GOD I JUST CAN”T TAKE IT ANYMORE!  BOO HOO HOO HOO HOOHOO”

And I just break down on worldwide TV.  The episode ends up winning the grand prize on ‘America’s funniest home videos’, and becomes the fodder for late night TV across the world. 

Yeah, thats about how it’ll go, but thats OK.  I’m going to leave myself open to that too.  I could use that prize money, anyway.

—

I drove over to the funeral home with the pictures for the DVD, like I said.  After that, as I left the building, it occured to me that I should take a little drive. 

So I ended up at the Blueberry Farm, to suprise everybody but Pigpen, who was engrossed in his daily viewing of “Cars”.  He was happy to see me, after the movie went off.

I’m not going to stay long, I’ll grab the boys tomorrow and head home.  I really just wanted them.  Losing BJ is hard, but I don’t want to lose them too, even if its doing them some good.

MastaG didn’t complain about me taking him home tomorrow, so I think it’ll work out. 

—

As is these things, a good friend told me some info about BJ that made me happy.  That the organ donation went well, and when her heart stopped.  It was about when I thought it was, and its good to have new friends.

—

Things are still so weird.  Just completely goofy.  Not really surreal, because that seems to imply a trippiness to it that this grim stuff doesn’t have, but its off. 

I still feel BJ’s presence so often, just brushing me.  Its peaceful.  My heart has not broken, yet. 

Everytime I’m by myself, I whisper “I love you, BJ”

But she still doesn’t seem dead.

October 14, 2006

AT & GAC’s 10 year wedding anniversary & renewal

Was spent poring through pictures for the DVD thing for BJ’s funeral/wake/memorial/whathaveyou.  Its irritating that she had to die and leave me to figure all this crap out.

To that end, I’m surly.  It might be getting to that stage of the process, but I’m getting irritated at people pretty easy.  Grrrr.

Spent too much time in this empty house, getting stir crazy.  I’m going to head out with my pictures, drop them off, and wander a bit.

See you later.

—

Wait, BTW, I just talked to Barleys, and we’re full on for 6 on Saturday.  I’m looking forward to it.  Wonder if BJ is…

So, I left the house, removed the busted wheel from my bike to take it to the bike shop in town (next to the butcher shop, Oak Ridge rocks!) stuck GAC in the backpack along with the pictures BJ’ folks gave me, and took off.

BTW, from henceforth on, GAC is the laptop.  Not that I’m resurrecting her or something, Mom mentioned concern that if I talk like that Pigpen will think that the laptop IS Mommy.  No, nothing like that.  More of a tribute.  That she would NOT have appreciated as much as she should have when she was alive.  Cuz she’s that way.  Punk assed girl.

So, anyhows, I swung by Martins, and set up the dealy-o.

Martins Funeral Home.  Saturday.  11 AM.  Receiving visitors at 10.  Be there or be square.  Dress to the nines, or don’t.
I’ll stick it in the sidebar when I get around to it, later today.

—

So, it was a good trip, and I’m looking forward to it like a hole in the head.  I HATE funerals.  I hate any kind of solemn, traditional, proceeding.  Its not that its my wife’s funeral (but that doesn’t make it more fun), but that I’m just really not into doing it.  Its cheesy.  Or cheezy.  Depending on your persuasion.

But, its not for me, or for BJ.  Its for her folks, and her relatives, and my relatives who expect that sort of thing.  For closure for people who need that sort of stuff.  Maybe I won’t need it.

Because I’m still smiling.  I’m still so happy that she gave me those years.  Sure, let the grief and anguish come, but I’m done looking for it.  Fuck it.  I’m not partying, but I’m content.

Its how she’d have it.  I asked her to give that contentment to her parents, so maybe that’ll help.  I like to talk to her, in the solitude of my house, like I would if she were here.  Not only was she my love, she was my best friend, and I’m happy she was.

ANYWAY, she’d hate it.  I’m picking out exactly 26 pictures so they can make a DVD that’ll play, with cutscenes to a forest (I had a list to pick from, and forest sounded about right), and solemn “aw, she’s dead” piano music playing that I sure wouldn’t be interested in hearing again.  Yep, she’d hate it.

Hee.  I get to bug her even after her death!

–

But, heres the kicker.  They asked if I wanted to write the obit, and if theres anything I’ve been doing, its writing.  I’m going to write a short one for the expensive bastards at the Knoxville paper, with their 40 cents a word, and I’m going to write a short one for my pals at the Oak Ridge Observer, and my not-quite-pals(except-for-Tank)but-still-generally-good-people at the Oak Ridger.

Actually, I’ve got a damn cool guy at the Knoxville paper, Michael Silence, who has posted on his blog several times about BJ, so I don’t mean to write him off.  Michael, you are exempt from the general bastardly thing I layed down on your employers.  Salut!

OK, here comes the obit… ready… go:

B.J. (Barbara) Kilpatrick died November 17, 2006, in Oak Ridge, after an illness.

Born January 18, 1977 to James and Barbara Bearden of Knoxville, she lived in Anderson County for most of her life.  She married Jacob Kilpatrick in 1996, and gave birth to sons Gabriel in 1996, and Asher in 2002.  They moved to Oak Ridge in 2001, where they were involved in the local schools, as well as civic matters.

She attended school at Pellissippi State, where she was due to graduate in December with a degree in Interior Design, and where she had a 3.9 GPA up to this semester.
B.J. was known as GoldenAppleCorp (or GAC) on local blog www.atomictumor.com, where she wrote online about her experiences, and where a vigil and remembrance is ongoing.

She is survived by her sons, Gabriel and Asher, husband, Jacob, parents, James and Barbara Bearden, grandmother, Alice Webber, sister, Sonja, brother, Jeff, and many other relatives and close friends.

Memorial services will be performed on Saturday, November 25th, at 11 AM, at Martin Funeral Home in Oak Ridge.  Reception of family will be at 10 AM.

There now, that wasn’t too hard, was it?

OK, so we’re on.  Now I need to talk to Barleys and settle up with them, but I need to get a head count.  I’ll make another post for that.

Uh, I just did.  So, I’ll schedule this one for about 30 minutes from now.

And, I still haven’t eaten anything, so I reckon I’ll take care of that also.

OK, real quck, I need to know how many peoples are coming to Barleys, so we can reserve enough stuff. Drop ins are fine, I know its thanksgiving weekend, but I’d rather be safe than sorry.

Its going to be Saturday, November 25th, starting at 6 PM.
I’m springing (well, BJ’s springing) for the pizza, you’re on your own for the drinks.

So headcount. Comment, or send me an email to this address right here.

Also, if you’re coming in from out of town, we can talk turkey as to places to stay, all that kinda stuff.  Mention that in the email, and I’ll get my crack team of people on top of it.  My crack team of people being Google.  And on top of it being, well, maybe an email.

Hell, what do you expect from me?