November 20th, 2006 by Atomictumor
I spent the afternoon, as I mentioned, sorting through pictures to find the 26 that would tell the story of BJ’s life in a concise, DVD format way. Did you notice the sarcasm?
I’m still having a hard time working up much excitement for the wake (well, excitement isn’t the word, maybe… uh… hmm… devotion, thats better). I found lovely pictures, 26, from her birth, through her teenage years, through adulthood, two children, husband, ending with a lovely picture from our renewal a few months ago. I’ll put them all up here, this weekend maybe.
So, one thing about the solemn wake on Saturday morning that sounds nice is that my aunt, Aunt Nun around here, is going to wrangle my other aunt (well, one of several of them. I try not to count my aunts) to officiate the proceedings. They’ll play some nice music, and it should be lovely.
Good for the family, yes. And those tradition kinda folks. And, hell, maybe me, in a few years. Right now, its an obligation I’d worm out of if it were possible.
However, like the gentleman I am, I’ll smile and shake hands, and I’ll mean it. I’d be suprised if you see a tear on me, so don’t expect much that way.
—
With regards to the whole tear thing, I’m not bothering looking for any particular emotion. I’m so open to ending up wherever I go (like yesterday, and today, not having a place to be, and just ending up where I’m supposed to be), but I’ve been trying to micromanage my emotions. Whatever. I’m done. I’ll just emote as emotion comes. I’m sure it’ll be an inappropriate time.
“Hello, assembled people of the UN. Yes, I acknowledge that you have appointed me ‘most awesome guy on earth’… wait… my wife used to have those glasses…
OH GOD…
OH GOD I JUST CAN”T TAKE IT ANYMORE! BOO HOO HOO HOO HOOHOO”
And I just break down on worldwide TV. The episode ends up winning the grand prize on ‘America’s funniest home videos’, and becomes the fodder for late night TV across the world.
Yeah, thats about how it’ll go, but thats OK. I’m going to leave myself open to that too. I could use that prize money, anyway.
—
I drove over to the funeral home with the pictures for the DVD, like I said. After that, as I left the building, it occured to me that I should take a little drive.
So I ended up at the Blueberry Farm, to suprise everybody but Pigpen, who was engrossed in his daily viewing of “Cars”. He was happy to see me, after the movie went off.
I’m not going to stay long, I’ll grab the boys tomorrow and head home. I really just wanted them. Losing BJ is hard, but I don’t want to lose them too, even if its doing them some good.
MastaG didn’t complain about me taking him home tomorrow, so I think it’ll work out.
—
As is these things, a good friend told me some info about BJ that made me happy. That the organ donation went well, and when her heart stopped. It was about when I thought it was, and its good to have new friends.
—
Things are still so weird. Just completely goofy. Not really surreal, because that seems to imply a trippiness to it that this grim stuff doesn’t have, but its off.
I still feel BJ’s presence so often, just brushing me. Its peaceful. My heart has not broken, yet.
Everytime I’m by myself, I whisper “I love you, BJ”
But she still doesn’t seem dead.
November 20th, 2006 at 9:47 pm
You’re good, AT. Nobody expects you to be who you aren’t. Just be, man. That’s good enough for us. If you fall, we’ll catch you. No worries.
November 20th, 2006 at 9:49 pm
Two things AT. I promise not to expect you to act any particular way…..and brother, you are a “most awesome guy,” but the UN isn’t going to call.
November 20th, 2006 at 11:11 pm
My inappropriate time after my mother died was in Dillard’s, at the cash register. That poor woman. She only said, “Will that be cash or charge?”
November 20th, 2006 at 11:12 pm
It was actually kind of amusing in a weird way.
November 20th, 2006 at 11:35 pm
your heart doesn’t have to break, you know.
November 20th, 2006 at 11:56 pm
I am really glad that you are so open to feel BJ still around you. My hope for you is that you will always stay open to that. Keep up the whispering to her. flameslgs
November 21st, 2006 at 12:03 am
Things seem weird because they ARE weird. You’re not going through something that you could have ever prepared for or expected. So predictions or management, not going to be real successful.
You’re doing fine.
November 21st, 2006 at 12:38 am
I am glad that you made the organ donation because I have a family member that is only alive because someone else also made that “gift of life”…..just remember there is no right or wrong way, just your way of dealing with this. My thoughts are with you and your boys.
November 21st, 2006 at 12:58 am
“Dying is simple….What’s worst is seperation.” Donald Hall poet
AT, delurking to remind you that tons of folks, those known and unknown to you, are still sending all good vibes your and the boys’ way.
November 21st, 2006 at 1:07 am
Crap, remember to edit…remember to edit….
“Dying is simple…What’s worst is the seperation.” -Donald Hall
Even more good vibes.
Feel them.
November 21st, 2006 at 1:23 am
hey AT,
you just go ahead and emo whatever way works for you! love the pis of the boys on horses! they are beautiful. also love the 10 year pic - it’s a really good pic and i am sure your glad to have it.
new york is exhausting - gotta go to bed!
November 21st, 2006 at 3:50 am
I just wanted to de-lurk and second what LeeAnn said. I have a close friend who had cystic fibrosis. I say that she “had” cystic fibrosis, because five years ago, a mother and father made an amazing, brave choice on the worst night of their lives. Their 19-year-old daughter was in a fatal car accident, and Carolyn received her lungs.
Believe me, we have never, ever forgotten that our miracle was another family’s disaster. Everyone rallying around the person who received BJ’s donations is thinking about your family, praying for you, and acknowledging that their saving grace is another family’s sacrifice.
I wish for you- a moment that makes you laugh out loud when you least expect it, a “found” item to trigger a memory that brings you comfort, and a good night’s sleep.
November 21st, 2006 at 6:48 am
Hey AT, your family’s sacrifice to the family that receives the gift of life that you have provided is one of the greatest gifts another can receive. BJ will still live on in others as well as in your heart.
Don’t sharing your heart or loving words to BJ in your quiet time - the love that you two shared will stay alive in your heart forever. Don’t shy away from whispering what is on your heart.
You are a very inspiring man AT, and I’m glad that I’ve had the chance to know you to some degree in my life. I feel that I have been able to see more into who you are through your writings and you have made a difference in not only my life, but so many others. Take care, we are here for you anytime.
November 21st, 2006 at 7:08 am
Ah, Cyndi Lauper.
November 21st, 2006 at 8:00 am
Where?
November 21st, 2006 at 8:02 am
Thinking of you today and most all day. Take care and thanks for the pictures of BJ and the one of the boys too. It helps me get a picture of your sweet family in my head. Prayers for you all.
November 21st, 2006 at 8:03 am
Joel keeps referencing a Cyndi Lauper song.
November 21st, 2006 at 8:07 am
Speaking of finding out new things, yesterday, while talking with my wife , I found out that you and B.J. came back to my house after the party. I did not know that you had stayed till after 1am talking with my wife. I deeply regret that I was not awake, and snoring upstairs.
November 21st, 2006 at 8:15 am
Snort
November 21st, 2006 at 8:17 am
Rather, that was a guffaw at Joel, not at you, Punk HP. Yeah, that was a very different night for BJ and I. We were really kinda turning another corner, getting to know more people, insinuating ourselves into that Oak Ridge machine, so that we could corrupt it from the inside.
But now everybody knows the plan, so I have to come up with a new one.