Atomictumor

I was going to write some more about our story, about 10 years ago tonight, and what happened, but I can’t.

I watched our wedding renewal tape, just to see BJ again.

I miss her.

You know whats really bothering me right now?

That brain novocaine that is keeping the real pain of all this away, is blocking any of my feelings for BJ.

I don’t remember how much I love her.

That really sucks.

This still isn’t real, to whatever part of my head is trying so hard to protect itself.  Or that I
I’d like to go ahead and get the whole thing over with, like pulling off a bandaid, real quick like.  Its what I do with scabs, that used to piss BJ right off.  Instead of the slow painful and irritating process of waiting for it to fall off naturally, I just pull it off when it starts detaching, throw some cream on it, and go about my day.

Well, folks, this kinda sucks.

I’m not real sure what to do now.  I made all the plans and whatnot, have had a good three family members counsel me against the diamond, suggesting that I wait (although it seems to me that the money I’d have spent on a grave/tombstone/coffin would have been about the same amount, and probably wouldn’t be a wait kinda thing.

Folks, I’m know you mean well, but it ain’t helping.

Besides, BJ hasn’t made any money for the family in the past few years any, being that she’s a student.  Seems to me that things are just getting cheaper with one less mouth to feed, if you want to get just straight up and factual about it.  I mean, those Ramen noodles were taking up 75 cents a piece, easy!

Grumble grumble grumble.

I don’t want to sound like a dick, but thats just what my fingers type.

—

Kids are playing outside, and I’ve been setting up the lappy for bit torrent and whatnot.  Pigpen is frantically shooting MastaG with his finger.  Its a noisy finger.  The bigger kids tend to like to make Pigpen the bad guy, so he just chases them all over the place.  Doesn’t sound fair, but who am I to interfere with the pecking order of children?  That, and I’m certain that in another 7 years or so, Pigpen will outweigh MastaG anyway, and be able to pay him back in spades.

Yep, I won’t interfere with that either, unless it gets ugly.

—

Daco swung by earlier, and we hung out.  Its pretty mean, I like for my friends to get here, but then when they get here I’d kinda like them to leave.  And then when they leave, I wish I hadn’t run them out.

Maybe I’m pregnant?

Ahhhh.

Ahhhhh.

Ahhhhhh, oh yes.

Thats how happy I am to be back home with the boys.

Earlier today, I felt like I was getting dull.  My senses are usually pretty sharp, I think, and I like them that way.  Keen wit, all that good stuff, but the surliness was bring along a mental fog that was just not very fun.  I had to pay extra attention driving, because the little cues that I normally see weren’t there.

Made it home safe and sound, tho.  The closer I got, the better I felt.

I’m fixing a chicken enchilada that a friend fixed us yesterday, which should be uber tasty.  Thanks, Linda!

—

So, I’m not sure where this whole thing is taking me.  I guess Saturday and Sunday I had an idea that I’d get a map or something, but it just doesn’t work that way.  Yesterday I decided to be open to whatever, but the windows that I use for that openness are getting covered by a film of blah that blocks all the light.

Being home helps, but I’m not sure for how long.  I imaging this is the first wave.

My plan:

• Total freakin distraction.  Computer games, when the boys aren’t up.  Movies.  Friends.
• Not really thinking.  Yes, I can turn it off, its fun at parties.

—

Its still doing that thing where I start realizing that BJ is dead, and then my mind halts that thought.  Its like an automatic cutoff.  The emotion, and depth of realization start coming on, and BA-DOW, before it starts doing something to me, its turned off.

Like the internet, when you don’t pay the phone bill.  Or cable bill.  Whatever.

So, anyway, this makes writing difficult, because I’m thinking my writing kinda sucks.  Bleah.

I’ll keep doing it tho, and you can all put up with the suck.  Or teh suck.  However you decide.

—

BTW, thanks be to Eaves for setting up the Paypal account for BJ’s Memorial Fund.  Its in the sidebar, along with the funeral plans, and links to the websites for both places.

Thanks Eaves!

I picked up the guitar and played it, and now my fingers hurt.

I’m getting really, really irritated, at people that are warning me against things, like spending money, and looking out for kids, and what not.

Seriously, folks.  Check this out.  BJ is dead.  I am in control of 90% of my regular functions of brain and emotion.  I have been a broke ass dude for 10 years.  I know how not to waste money.

I have been a father for 10 years.  Right now, the only people in the world (barring a few) that have no chance of pissing me off are my kids.  Yeah, I’ll get irritated at them, like I normally would, but the kids are being taken care of.

A lot of people seem intent on thinking that I’ll screw everything up because I’m not thinking straight or something. 

BJ dies once.  Thats it. 

So, back off.  Please.  Thank you.

———

Well, that was pleasant, wasn’t it?

I guess my point is, what is sustaining me right now is my sense of humor, and my love for whatever.  These things, where people mean well, but I’m seeing them as people steering me, aren’t going to fly. 

I’ll take care of things involving this.

Period.

Haha, control freak!