November 21st, 2006 by Atomictumor
Ahhhh.
Ahhhhh.
Ahhhhhh, oh yes.
Thats how happy I am to be back home with the boys.
Earlier today, I felt like I was getting dull. My senses are usually pretty sharp, I think, and I like them that way. Keen wit, all that good stuff, but the surliness was bring along a mental fog that was just not very fun. I had to pay extra attention driving, because the little cues that I normally see weren’t there.
Made it home safe and sound, tho. The closer I got, the better I felt.
I’m fixing a chicken enchilada that a friend fixed us yesterday, which should be uber tasty. Thanks, Linda!
—
So, I’m not sure where this whole thing is taking me. I guess Saturday and Sunday I had an idea that I’d get a map or something, but it just doesn’t work that way. Yesterday I decided to be open to whatever, but the windows that I use for that openness are getting covered by a film of blah that blocks all the light.
Being home helps, but I’m not sure for how long. I imaging this is the first wave.
My plan:
- Total freakin distraction. Computer games, when the boys aren’t up. Movies. Friends.
- Not really thinking. Yes, I can turn it off, its fun at parties.
—
Its still doing that thing where I start realizing that BJ is dead, and then my mind halts that thought. Its like an automatic cutoff. The emotion, and depth of realization start coming on, and BA-DOW, before it starts doing something to me, its turned off.
Like the internet, when you don’t pay the phone bill. Or cable bill. Whatever.
So, anyway, this makes writing difficult, because I’m thinking my writing kinda sucks. Bleah.
I’ll keep doing it tho, and you can all put up with the suck. Or teh suck. However you decide.
—
BTW, thanks be to Eaves for setting up the Paypal account for BJ’s Memorial Fund. Its in the sidebar, along with the funeral plans, and links to the websites for both places.
Thanks Eaves!
November 21st, 2006 at 1:55 pm
No problem on the paypal, AT.
“Its still doing that thing where I start realizing that BJ is dead, and then my mind halts that thought. Its like an automatic cutoff. The emotion, and depth of realization start coming on, and BA-DOW, before it starts doing something to me, its turned off.”
That’s exactly what’s happening to me. I was really distraught and living in the moment on Friday, but since then, most emotion has been pushed back down. Like the little spring-loaded mechanism that keeps the printer paper in place.
November 21st, 2006 at 2:28 pm
it’s your thing….. do what you wanna do….
November 21st, 2006 at 3:00 pm
If it helps anything, I’ve got the “cut off” thing, too, about my mother, and, it’s been 4 months.
November 21st, 2006 at 3:23 pm
I’m glad home is a good place to be for you right now…
November 21st, 2006 at 3:26 pm
Just wanted to let you know we’re still here. Still reading, still praying, and still being supportive (in that cyberspace tech kind of way, er whatever–you know, just however you choose to look at it). Nonetheless, I still check back daily and keep you in my thoughts.
btw, “Total freakin distraction. Computer games, when the boys aren’t up. Movies. Friends.
Not really thinking”…all sounds great! I just wish I knew your friends, or had a group like that nearby—a fun group to sit around and laugh and talk about nothing and yet still fill in part of that emotional void. It’s been encouraging to read all the comments as well, (pardon me for being a bit hippie here), but feelin’ the love. It’s great, it’s human nature, and it’s encouraging.
November 21st, 2006 at 3:38 pm
AT,
Just so you know….although my suffering cannot compare to yours, I too am going to suffer. My mother is coming tomorrow for Thanksgiving and for some reason decided to “take over” dinner for me (something about my stress due to sick hubby and working two jobs-whatev). The control freak in me is freaking out. I have also received 87gazillion emails from her on what to buy (including, but not limited to, certain brand and SHAPE of dressing and TYPE of potatoe). Last night I joked with her on AIM that she was getting a little carried away and she typed “Shaddup and do what you are told young lady.” Note: I am 43, mother of three and grandmother of one, yet still a young lady.
So, if I get in the car and start driving and end up on your porch, its not so much that I am invading, but more that I would like to hide in your kitchen because its the only place I can think of that she won’t find me.
November 21st, 2006 at 3:43 pm
who cares if your writing sucks (not that it does). that is the joy of blogging … if people read it and like it, so what. and if they don’t, they don’t have to read anymore and you are none the wiser. unless they comment and say “wow, your writing sucks.” and i doubt at this point anyone would dare say that. besides, i can probably speak for most of us when i say that we are simply content in knowing how you are doing - no matter how you word it.
November 21st, 2006 at 7:29 pm
The last flippen thing you should be thinken about is how good your writing is. 1. You writing rocks 2. Who cares. . . write whatever pops in your head- please don’t even think about the edit button. This blog is for you– not us.
November 22nd, 2006 at 7:20 am
I think I hear what you’re saying about the dulled senses. (I can’t hear anything right now– lugnut is crying about being run out of the bathroom.) It’s insult to injury that w/ all that’s going on and then your writing powers get dull. Persevere, dude.