Atomictumor

I’m sitting in the woods right now, its 7:30 AM, I woke up maybe 30 minutes ago in the dark, and the sun is now up.  I’m still down at the Blueberry Farm, but feel the urge to head home with my boys early.  I’ll let them wake up normally.

I’m typing this in a text editor, with BJ’s picture looking at me from the desktop of GAC.  Its that one I showed you by the back door, with hand in pocket, head tilted, looking like BJ.

I miss her so much.  She’s probably burned by now.  I was thinking about that this morning, my wake up call.  The soft, flawless skin being eaten by fire.  I prefer that to a slow decomposition, but the permanence of it is underlined by the burn of the fire.  I talked about that yesterday morning, and I guess the morning is when I dwell on it. 

It doesn’t make her any more dead, y’know? 

—

And thats what still hasn’t sunk in yet, on this quiet Tuesday morning, in lifeless, leafless, dead woods, sitting on a bed of leaves underneath a tall tree (tulip poplar?  Oak?  What the hell kind of tree is this?  I’ve never been a nature person).

I’ve always liked being alone.  I used to enjoy the times that BJ and the kids would be gone, and I’d have the place to myself.  Just like when I was kid, I loved those (rare) times when everybody but me left the house.  I wonder how long it will be before being alone hurts.  I mean, sure, you could argue that I’m never alone, I’ve got the boys, a great family, more friends than you can shake a stick at, and I’ll be with those people.

But that one person who GOT me is gone.  The one that shared my taste in music, and stupid TV shows, and movies.  The one that would squeal at the prospects of seeing The Robot Ate Me in Nashville.

And she would.  She’d bounce on her toes, and lightly clap her hands togehter, and have the look of a 4 year old at Christmas when she got excited by things.  She’s squeal.  I won’t hear that again.

—

In these woods, its easy to let myself ask that w-h-y question that I’ve been denying myself. 

Why BJ?  Why a month after our renewal?  Why a month before her graduation?  Why me?  Why us? 

Why did she have to die suffering?  I mean, sure, when she technically died, she was unconscious, but the last thing she felt was fear at having a tube in her, fear at her family going on without her, and pain.  She was hurting so badly before the surgery, I can’t imagine how bad it was after.  She was on morphine before, and it didn’t quell the pain.

My baby.  She died in a hospital room, with a sore ass, an uncomfortable catheter, and uncertainty. 

Not the kind of death I would welcome.  And that is how she went out.

Why? 

Why couldn’t I have done something magical, something like in a fantasy movie, or a Stephen King book, and save her?  I sat there at 10, 1, 3, 5:30, and 8:30.  I held her hand, and whispered in her ear as she went.

—

One heartbreak that hasn’t hit yet are a 4 year old and a 10 year old who lost their loving mommy.  I mean, I can read this kind of stuff on CNN that happened to strangers and I get sad.  The sadness of the pain of my own sons eludes me. 

Those poor, poor boys.  Their world will be darker and smaller without her.  I’ll be able to do right by them, and by her, but her wit and wisdom and personality would have been a huge help to them as they grew.  She would have been an AWESOME mom to teenagers.

I’ll never know.  We lost her in the 10th year of our family.

—

Since I’m asking hard questions in these woods, disconnected from the immediate gratification of the internet, lets proceed, shall we?

HOW can I live without her?  Lets boil that down a little bit more, how can I live in so much loneliness?  After the kids go to bed, what will I do? 

Will I become souless?  Will I subjugate the parts of me that had fun with BJ?

Hell, I don’t know.  That looks like an immensly stupid question looking at it.

I’m going to take off.  Know this, folks.  Right now, I’m in these woods alone to shake these questions out of me.  I’ll wander back in the house, the kids are probably awake by now, I’ll have some coffee, some breakfast, a shower, and continue on with my day, free of these questions until tomorrow morning. 

See ya.