November 22nd, 2006 by Atomictumor
Today was a great day.
BJ is gone, and that won’t change. Thing is, I’m still not hurting, no matter how much I love her, and thats great. I was able to make her parents feel a little better today, and I felt more a part of their family than I think I ever did.
G and Pigpen went to bed like happy little children.
Frankly, if an uninformed observer popped in, you would think that the kids mother died years ago. Sure, Pigpen will tell you, in the matter of fact voice of a four year old “My Mommy’s dead.”, but thats what it is. A matter of fact.
G still doesn’t like to talk about it much, but he will. He looks out the window, thinking. I wonder what he’s thinking when he does that.
Then he makes a joke, or says some kind of MastaG smartass garbage, and its right back to normal.
—
Yesterday, all this bothered me, I think because I wanted reverence. I wanted all of us to be humble and realize what we lost.
Why?
BJ wouldn’t have that, she was as smartass as G, in her own way. She’d want the kids to feel secure (they do) and for me to get on with life (I’m working on it).
Its only been 5 days since her death, and I feel at terms with it. I fully expect the other shoe to drop, but so what if it does? I’ll make it because I’ll need to.
Right now, there really isn’t a lot of pain in this house. In my dark room right now, theres a little bit of loneliness, for her warm body in bed. For somebody to talk with.
I feel peace. Its been many nights since I felt peace. I forget that I started this process at the beginning of the month, so as far as my bed is concerned, she died 3 weeks ago.
Whatever. I’ll just ride out the peace as long as I can. I feel really, really good about today.
—
We’ve been doing this for 10 years, BJ! Wish you could have made it this far, my baby.
November 22nd, 2006 at 11:02 pm
it’s just so tempting when it says “no comments be the first” … i’m happy you had a good day. i’m happy G had a good birthday and pigpen is dealing. sleep well.
November 23rd, 2006 at 12:18 am
Hi…you don’t know me.
I am so awed by this (and all of your other) posts. Your story and your son’s stories and your wife’s stories are so unbelievably inspiring. I’m just totally amazed. Thank you so much for writing this. I hope it’s helping you like it’s helping me.
sleep well.
hannah
November 23rd, 2006 at 12:25 am
You dealt with a lot of grief early on. Maybe that’s why you are getting along better than you expected right now. I”m glad to hear that the boys are doing so well, too.
November 23rd, 2006 at 7:07 am
Thoughts with you again today…glad you are feeling at peace. Hugs across the “net” to your family.
November 23rd, 2006 at 7:37 am
At, reading your words in all your entries is a little like reading and analyzing my thoughts over the past few months. What I’ve been feeling is here, the ups, the downs, the annoyances - you’ve given me food for thought and the ability to tell myself - “see, this is normal”
Thank you
November 23rd, 2006 at 7:45 am
Someone gave GoldenAppleCorp a Total fark sponsorship over at Fark. Why don’t you come over and see why BJ was stuck there?
November 23rd, 2006 at 7:52 am
AT - Sitting here thinking about you guys on this wonderful Thanksgiving morning.
November 23rd, 2006 at 7:56 am
AT, Sounds like your boys are doing very well. It just proves what great parenting you and BJ provided together.
So glad G had a good birthday.
Hugs.
November 23rd, 2006 at 8:22 am
Hey AT, Glad to hear you had a good day, and that G had a good birthday. I’m sure the boys and you will continue to look out the windows and just seem to stare, very deep in thought, and that’s ok. You have lots of strength right now and that is good, it is needed. You will at some point feel the loss more in different ways, but as you will get through that too. Your faith is getting stronger, and that peace that passes all understanding will envelop you more at certain times than others - but the beautiful part of all of this is that you and the boys are close and loving each other and respecting each other and trusting in each other’s love. The way that you and the boys are handling things is very admiring and encouraging. I know that BJ’s parents appreciate your comforting words, and I’m sure it is hard at times, but you are finding words and other ways of showing your support to them. It is a time of drawing each of you closer together. Keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers - that will never stop AT, never. You have so much to be thankful for in spite of losing one so dear to you.
This will be a Thanksgiving in many ways that you will never forget - may there be a lot of good in the midst of sadness. God bless.
November 23rd, 2006 at 9:03 am
I know everyone has to think about these times and things in there own way….I still catch my 8 yr old staring profoundly out the window, looking at a picture or doing something where I know she is deep in thought about her Dad. Sometimes I let it go and sometimes I engage her in conversation to see what’s going on inside that little head. My four year old was so young and our explanation of what happened with the bleed inside his head has only perpetuated some really strange questions and conversations with her!
In your closing you said you wish BJ could have made it this far and there have been times that I know my girls dad would have loved to see, like at their first horse show, but I like to think he is still here in so many ways and that the girls know it. I know you will keep BJ “here” and in your lives - you’re gonna do great!