November 24th, 2006 by Atomictumor
BJ was always into frames. She had a collection of frames on her wall, without pictures in them, when I met her. There was one massive, ornate one, that she had for the longest time.
We moved, and it migrated from the wall, to the top of a dresser.
We moved again, and it ended up under a bed.
We moved again, and it ended up in a box.
We moved again, and it ended up in the attic.
I got it today, to frame a picture from our renewal in. Its a black and white pic, because thats how BJ wanted the pictures, with her awesome sense of style. Its framed with BJ and I standing to the right of the shot, looking toward the left, like we’re surveying the horizon.
In reality, I think we were just watching the kids. But the picture looks great.
Its in the frame now, the first picture good enough to ever reside in it. We wouldn’t have thought to use that frame before, but now, its perfect.
Nodbob used the same shot, in fact, to paint a gift for us, a minimalist oil painting of us, black and white, with blood red for BJ’s lips, just a trace of it.
Its beautiful. It was going to be a late gift for us, but it was too late. Now its a reminder of good times.
—
I’m still not grieving in the traditional sense of the word, but that weight is bearing down on me again. Its the stress now, I think I’ll be better after tomorrow morning and evening go down (planning a funeral and wake are like planning a wedding and reception, I guess, just, y’know, with dead people), and I’m left again in an empty house, and I can clean it up, and move stuff, and make room, and find stuff.
I’ll come across things that bring back memories.
Today, Nodbob and I created 3 large collages of pictures and art for tomorrow night. I had to have the numbness up to maximum to make it through, but I did, because I’m determined to. After this, I can rest.
I have to do this for BJ. More accurately, I have to do it for the person that we were between the two of us. I lost BJ, and I lost us.
I don’t know which is the harder blow.
—
Anyway.
—
I hope to see you tomorrow. If not in body, then pop in and say hi here. Take from this, what many others have, which is the knowledge that the people you love, the people that matter, are right there.
They’re right there.
November 24th, 2006 at 9:01 pm
Listen to your own words.
You have not lost BJ.
You have not lost what the two of you represent. An amazing love.
It’s all right THERE.
November 24th, 2006 at 9:08 pm
I have to go into work so I will not be able to stay the whole time in the morning . but I took the evening off so I could be there in the evening . sorry for being a dork on the last comment and not using this name
November 24th, 2006 at 9:40 pm
Your post brought tears to my eyes, AT. I wish you strength for what lies ahead tomorrow and on Sunday? A day of peace and rest. You deserve that. I’ll be thinking of you as I fill my kitchen with white daisies in honor of your sweet wife. All my best. LM
November 24th, 2006 at 10:21 pm
You will need the rest. I hope you can get plenty. Mr. Daco and I will be there tomorrow, and of couse I will want a hug. You have been very storng. More strong than I have ever seen when there is a death of a loved one. You are a good example for your boys. I bet they will grow up to be good strong men.
November 25th, 2006 at 12:10 am
I will hold my people tight tomorrow, right there next to my heart. I do wish we could join you in the evening. My husband is dying to meet you, he seems to think you and I have a similar “sense” of humor and something or other about strength (or was it control?). The day will begin and the day will end and you will get through it.
Prayers to you all day from here
Vickie, et al
PS I am beginning to think daily tears are good for my complexion, thanks!
November 25th, 2006 at 12:17 am
Hi AT.
You still don’t know me…
I want to tell you that everyting will be fine and I want to be able to know that’s true. For now I’ll just wish it very, very hard and keep you in my prayers all today and tomorrow. Keep writing.
hannah
November 25th, 2006 at 12:38 am
It is like the two of you did make a whole ‘nother person. I’ve always refered to the two of you as “BJ and AT” but your real name instead. Even when talking about just BJ I would say, “BJ, you know, “BJ and AT” BJ? I still refer to the two of you that way. As BJ and AT. It still feels right. I guess I always will.
November 25th, 2006 at 1:33 am
AT good luck tomorrow, it will be hard but you will get through it with BJ’s help. Reading your posts about your life together and your love has brought many tears to my eyes. I only wish that more people in the world could find a love like the one that you and BJ shared together. I believe that true soulmate love survies all, even death. She will always be with you and the boys watching out after all of you. BJ was a wonderful soul and will remain alive in your hearts and memories.
You have touched many people with your stories, and made a lot of people think differently about life and love, myself included. I wish I could share in your day with you and your family, but it would be a long trip from Calgary! But my thoughts and prayers will be with you, MastaG, Pigpen and all the others tomorrow.
November 25th, 2006 at 7:28 am
“More accurately, I have to do it for the person that we were between the two of us. I lost BJ, and I lost us.”
…