Atomictumor

Man…

The damn website is busted.

I was trying to be all fancy and work some PHP magic, and it totally blew up in my face.  I don’t have the back end access to the server that Johnny Dobbins turned me onto to accomodate all of the traffic we’ve had this month, so I can’t just nip in there and fix it.

And Johnnys doing a well deserved thanksgiving thing, so we’re just all going to have to get along without the ‘tumor for now.

Well, bully.

—

That turkey soma got me all irritated, so I vented at some people, and feel better now.  Tomorrow I have to get everything ready for BJ’s funeral, and this evening has been a time that it just doesn’t seem real.

BJ’s funeral.  Say it with me now!

She was fine a month ago, and Saturday we get to go to her funeral, and never see her again.  Its almost fun to say, because the words just bounce around meaninglessly.  Its like, I almost like to break that taboo about it, just by, when telling a story about BJ, I say “Before BJ died, …”.  People seem to take it well, so it works out.

Its weird.  If this were a friend of mine, I’d be torn up.  I wouldn’t be able to sleep, I’d be stressing about what I can do. but since I’m in the eye of this hurricane, its like I want to stick a post out and see how fast the wind is going.

Or something like that.

However, I’m of a thinking that Saturday morning will be an ordeal.  People all gathered together for the purpose of being somber and sad.

Seems to me that the rest of my life is going to entail that stuff, and that what we need to do is get together and try to have a good time, just so we can remember what a good time was.

But, I’m different than lotsa folks, which might explain why BJ and I got along so well.  She was pretty different too.

Now, she’s just like all the other dead people.  Except when she’s being a little ghost.

—

I touched her keys, that have been sitting on the computer desk (unused by me since I got the laptop), and got the biggest feeling of BJ around me.  Like she was there, but just a feeling.  Fog.  Something like that.  Anyway, it sure makes me feel better.

Not that I really need it, evidently.  Other than the odd moments of staring out the window, MastaG style, I’m not feeling much pain.  I’m OK with that, still. Sometimes, like a cold sore, I want to poke that numb spot, but mostly not.

—

I’m writing this, BTW, at 12:30 AM, well after I should be asleep, with the laptop on my lap in our bed.  My bed.  Thats something else thats odd about this, is that I’ve suddenly taken full custody of all of our crap.  Its neat, in a materialistic way, but it sucks, in an I’d trade it all for her way.  Whatcha gonna do?

Also, I found out that we’re evidently able to get a little green from Uncle Sam, on account of I’m a widower with kids.

Man, I hate that word ‘widower’.  I’ve always thought that it looks an awfully like an adverb or something of widow.  Am I a widow in action, or just somebody who utilizes widows?  For what purpose?  Are they minty fresh?

—

Hell man, I need to go to sleep.  Sure wish the damn website was working.  Course, by now, it is, which is the goofy thing about time delaying real time stuff.  Or something.  Like listening to a game on the radio 30 seconds before the TV shows the same action.

One thing about writing these text posts, in notepad like this, is that theres plenty of room for the pic of BJ to look at me.  She sure is a sweet little critter.  I told her stuff like that every day.  Every single day.  I’d panic at work if I realized I left without giving her a kiss.  We lived a damn good life.

And it could have been worse.  She could be awake, missing fingers and toes, and God knows what in her head.  She could be angry, and bitter, and not want that life that I prayed so hard for her to have.

She’s free from pain, and fear.  There truly is nothing to fear and nothing to doubt for her.  I never really subscribed to the mantra, because I do think that there is fear and doubt.  Theres everything to fear and doubt.

But theres everything to love, and cherish.  So, its a toss up.

Anyway, I’m out.  Happy turkey day (that was 30 minutes ago), and I’ll see some of you tomorrow.  Course, you’ll hear from me before then.

Night.

(I love you, little critter)

This entry was posted on Friday, November 24th, 2006 at 12:30 am and is filed under Pain, Love. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.