November 26th, 2006 by Atomictumor
Its late.
I am very, very tired.
Today is over. Today, for me, is a turning point.
After today, it will not be with BJ. We drank to her, and celebrated her, and now we’re letting her go. I saw her off with great friends, some I met tonight, some I’ve known all my life.
At the end of the night, there was an intimate few, sitting around a table, drinking beers, and talking about things, just as BJ loved to do. I felt her there the whole time, as I feel her now (telling me to put the laptop away, geek, and go to bed).
I had tears in the van on the way home, just two, as I told Nodbob how hard it is that I couldn’t be superman and save the girl I loved. That no matter how much I loved her, and how much I wanted her, she died.
We spent the whole evening enjoying her, looking at pictures of our lives (all very intimate, BJ and I only took pictures rarely, and guarded them jealously), but at the end of the night, on the late, sleepy drive home, I felt the intimations of my loss.
Its going to take months to figure out what I’ll be after this. It starts tomorrow.
My work for BJ is now done. Now my work is just for me and the boys. Its the 3 of us, a smaller family. A hand without one of the fingers.
We’ll be fine, we’ll make it, but my life will be shallower without my soulmate beside me.
We let her go tonight, like a caged bird. She soars above us, above the petty troubles and frustrations and pains. She is free.
Good night, my BJ. You can be done now.
I will always love you.
November 26th, 2006 at 1:51 am
Beautiful.
Good luck tomorrow my friend. and every day after that. Your boys are going to be ok - you and BJ have already laid a good foundation for them.
November 26th, 2006 at 2:53 am
Just found your blog tonight and I am so sorry for what you and your family are going through. I too lost my soul mate and it sucks. My mother lost my father when I was only a year old and she was a young widow too. In the scheme of live, it has just never seemed fair and it is not fair for you either.
I know that words don’t help but I did want you to know how sorry I was for your loss. My prayers are with you and your family.
Lyndy in GA
November 26th, 2006 at 3:00 am
I also found your website tonight. I just wish I had found this sooner, so I could have had some thoughts and prayers going out sooner.
You and your boys will continue to be in my thoughts, and your blog will definatly be on my daily blog list.
mary in oregon
November 26th, 2006 at 4:23 am
A corrupt profile kept me from leaving the KNS building tonight. I’m glad to read the wake was a true celebration.
All the best, in the most sincere way. Take care of you and your boys.
November 26th, 2006 at 5:26 am
Cyberhugs, prayers and positive vibes to you and your boys as you begin this new journey.
November 26th, 2006 at 5:46 am
You will do a beautiful job by your boys, I know it. Prayers for you always.
November 26th, 2006 at 7:19 am
sounds like it turned out perfect.
November 26th, 2006 at 7:26 am
Aww. Sending love to all you guys from New Zealand.
November 26th, 2006 at 7:29 am
The work you do for the boys you do for BJ too. She is free of all the earthly stuff. But what you had was more that earthly. And it/she will always be there.
Peace to you today and every day AT.
November 26th, 2006 at 7:51 am
Whilst I was doing something completely mundane like hoovering or shopping or moaning because I broke a fingernail you were saying goodbye to your beautiful BJ.
You made me hug my husband and son that bit tighter tonight and you made me stop and really appreciate what I’ve got.
Thank you for letting us in.
November 26th, 2006 at 8:14 am
Not being able to save the girl doesn’t make Superman any less a hero. Bravery and heroism is defined by what comes after the lost. AT, you are proving yourself (and so is MastaG) a true hero.
Glad it went well.
November 26th, 2006 at 8:19 am
Jake,
Again it was great coming to the wake. Thanks for having us, thanks for sharing BJ with us, thanks for letting us share in the evening. We had a great time, and we look forward to watching you become who you are destined to be next.
Stay strong, be courageous, know that we are praying and know we are here.
November 26th, 2006 at 8:54 am
Thinking of you from across the state. You are a hero.
November 26th, 2006 at 9:27 am
Last night was, for me, emotionally hard. It was good seeing those pictures of you and GAC and your family. It was good seeing some of what she’d drawn. It was good being there at Barley’s where we’d gone before and spent time together. It is hard saying goodbye to all that.
November 26th, 2006 at 10:23 am
You and your boys are in my prayers.
November 26th, 2006 at 11:09 am
Though she’ll never truly leave you and the boys, I’m glad you got to send her off with a celebration of her life. Like you said, she’ll “always be there” in thought, spirit, or comfort. Wishing you much needed peace and rest…
November 26th, 2006 at 11:09 am
Likewise I just picked you up of Rocky Top and heart felt prayers go out to you from just down the road in Harriman.
Loss is never easy, but I agree the blog will be an outlet.
November 26th, 2006 at 11:18 am
Is this a Haiku Sunday? One came to mind as I read your post…early this morning. At first I didn’t think I should type it for you. It seems so personal, especially when coming from me, a stranger to you and your family. But then, since your post inspired it, I decided to go ahead and throw it into the mix. Because words can’t help change things and yet they are the only things that can help.
November two six
First step with no hand to hold
Whole but apart..Us.
November 26th, 2006 at 1:12 pm
Thanks for letting us be a part of this. Her photos were beautiful. I especially enjoyed seeing you without facial hair. Wow! :) We had a great time celebrating her.
November 26th, 2006 at 6:16 pm
Jake, I could write pages but I won’t. The memorial service yesterday was so sweet. Your aunts did an outstanding job as well as all of those you had a part of the service. It was an honor for us to meet many of your friends..Mr./Mrs. Bos, Asher’s preschool teacher, Crystal, BJ’s special nurse, BJ’s parents, brother and sister, and many more. Thank you for your continued posts. Thank you for sharing your secret thoughts with us and the world. Our prayers will continue to be focused on you and your little guys. We were honored to share the table with Gabe and Asher at lunch yesterday (Katy too). It sounds like the celebration at Barleys honoring BJ really went well. Sorry that our crowd had to head back to North GA. We love you big guy and the little guys, too.
Please remember, God knows the depth of your heart, and He will be beside you and the boys the rest of your lives. Depend on Him at all times. May He constantly give you renewed comfort and strength as you face one day and one night at a time. You will be in our thoughts and prayers especially as your week starts tomorrow. We Love You!