November 29th, 2006 by Atomictumor
So, I’d love to give you folks a peek inside my head, just so I can get some second opinions about it, but its just not working that way. Whats been happening is that I’ll get micro-streams of consciousness, quick little bursts of thought that pop up at random times and disappear before I know what they mean.
Sometimes they’re questions, like “I wonder if BJ knew at any point that she was going to die”.
Or “I wonder why I’m so sure that theres a God that has her now, when I know full well that the mind is capable of producing under stress the kinds of things I felt?”
—
Every once in a while I wonder when that grief I ordered back on November 19th will show up, in a battered cardboard box, with different country stamps all over it explaining its tardiness.
—
Higgins is the driving force behind Magnum P.I, followed closely by Tom Selleck’s mustache.
—
I’m finding myself lingering, looking at her pictures for a minute or two, smiling. I still feel more gratitude for her life being shared with me, and relief that she’s not in pain, than I do anger, or sadness, or melancholy.
—
This is a horrible post. I’m still gonna publish it, because my fingers are compelled to write it out. Thats the thing with the writing, that a lot of folks don’t understand - its not really something I can shut off. Hell, I’d kinda rather the world not know about some of the things I’ve written, but I write it… because.
Some people would say that it would be because of The Beauty, and my urge to share it, but I don’t know, because that seems really pretentious. I’d say that maybe its God working through my fingers, but that gets into Waco territory, and besides, thats even more pretentious. Theres nothing I hate more than people convinced that they’re doing the “Work Of God”.
So whats with it? For some reason, I have the urge today to pin down the whole God thing. I still find it very difficult to talk about, that atheist in my head starts bitching when the subject comes up. No, not the atheist, maybe the nihilist… no, wait, its the existentialist. Thats the one. Existentialism, and more specifically, reading The Stranger in its original French in my senior year of high school (don’t be impressed, I’ve damn near completely forgotten french, tho I think maybe I’ll try to pick it back up) along with good ol’ Nietzsche, combined with my wondering why the hell God would pick one religion of good people over another led to my whole schism with religion.
So, here I am now, with some weird understanding that something I haven’t really thought about much in 10 years is helping. I’m fully prepared to believe that BJ is dead, and that when the body dies, the mind dies also. It’d be an ugly reality, and I’ve never really believed in the absolute death of consciousness, but I could believe it. However, I don’t think thats right.
I guess I’m afraid that I’m just jumping on the whole God thing to avoid the thinking that BJ is irrevocably gone.
But I feel her. So thats what makes it hard to be that existentialist. I mean, existentialism without the existence isn’t much of a thing, is it?
—
Geez, this was a rambly post, huh? Maybe Santa Claus can bring me some coherence for Christmas.
November 29th, 2006 at 11:10 am
Considering that an awful lot of very bright people have agonized over and written about such questions, I think you’re in pretty good company.
November 29th, 2006 at 11:14 am
Oddly enough, I was just posting a comment to Zapaper in one of your earlier blogs, about God. And here you were, at the same time. thinking about Him too. Obviously, you are on His mind, or you wouldn’t be thinking about HIm now, would you? He will reveal Himself to you, in a way you can understand and accept. Our intellect and ability to think will do its darndest to keep any such reflectons in a box though, so they can be diminished and unimportant. “After all, what is more important than our ability to reason and think”, she asks the man who has lived so much more love and knowledge and wisdom than he could possibly have inside himself. The man who saw and sees “Beauty” in the circumstances of his beloved wife’s death.
November 29th, 2006 at 11:21 am
I think that if you didn’t wonder if you were making it all up in your head, you’d be crazy.
Geesh, I should cross stitch that on a pillow.
My take on it is this, if you are wondering if he exists - ask him. Ask, nature, your subconsious, however you want to put it. IMHO God can take it, and he’ll show himself when you’re ready.
November 29th, 2006 at 11:46 am
This is my opinion on God, and I do not wish to force anything on you.I believe that God made all of us, and He wants to be a part of our lives. He wants us to realize that we need Him. In the Bible it says that He knows the number of hairs on our head. To me that’s amazing, that out of everything in this world, He loves “us”, His creation, more than anything, and yearns for us to love Him back. But to believe what the Bible says, takes blind faith. Blind faith that it “is”, God’s holy word, and that every word is true. I go to a great church, has as awesome kids ministry also. You should try it out, maybe some of your questions about God can be answered
there. Their wesite is www.faithpromise.org The site has directions etc….It’s off Pellissippi Pkwy. You’ve probably heard of it. Lots of people who live in Oak RIdge go there. The music is very contemporary, and the pastor is not boring, he’s a real guy, with a
real life, like the rest of us, very unpretentious, but intelligent. I’m ten years older than you and BJ, but I’m not a closed minded bigot, who feels like they are better than everybody else, just because I’m a Christian. And the people at Faith Promise aren’t either. If you feel like BJ’s soul is with the Lord right now, and that He is allowing you to still feel her spirit, then maybe you should investigate God further, so that you can be sure, really sure that you’ll be with her again. I hope I haven’t come across as a big fat know it all, I just feel strongly about God, I know He’s real. I know he loves me, and I want others to feel that love, and know that peace. I know you don’t know me, but I assure you, I’m a normal person, I’m 37, I’m married (six years), I have a five year old daughter, who I love dearly( but sometimes would like to sell to the circus), I am a professional healthcare worker(fifteen years at the same job), In the past, I did the bar scene, was out with my friends, just about every night. I smoked alot of pot when I was 17, 18,19, 20. Was married and divorced by 22. So I am not a Holy Roller on a mission. I’m just someone who knows that all blessings come from God. Thanks for allowing me to write this on your blog, and for sharing yourself with us.
November 29th, 2006 at 11:47 am
I’ll never forget what my mom told me as a child when I asked her how she could be sure we were the “right” religion when there are so many of them out there. She said, “I think God knows we’re all trying to get to the same place.” Mom wasn’t trying to be profound when she answered me, but the thought has always stuck with me that maybe she’s right. Her answer helped me when I took philosophy classes in college that made me not only question religion but also the existence of God.
November 29th, 2006 at 11:59 am
I thought you made perfect sense.
Hasn’t physics (quantum physics?) proved that we’re made up of energy? Energy can neither be created nor destroyed, right? So what happens to our energy when we die? Whether you believe in God or not, I am sure that BJ’s energy has moved on to whatever spiritual or spatial or whatever plane awaits us. She’s with you right now; I’m certain of it. Without ever having met you. Faith is a funny thing… so undefinable. People think you’re crazy when you say that you “just know”. But what I’ve learned in my short life is that what you “just know” is more real and more accurate than anything you could ever learn in a book.
November 29th, 2006 at 12:32 pm
“So, here I am now, with some weird understanding that something I haven’t really thought about much in 10 years is helping.”
That’s religion AT.
Faith enough to fill a mustard seed, its all you need.
November 29th, 2006 at 12:45 pm
“I think God knows we’re all trying to get to the same place.”
What an awsome comment from your Mom, Susan.
I tend to agree…with the exception of course that my religion IS the only true religion. ;)
November 29th, 2006 at 1:21 pm
I have no answers, AT. I think that the questions are normal. I also think that they are a part of the disassociative state you’re going through. Disassociation is something the brain does to protect itself. It coats itself in numbness until it can actually start to feel things.
It may be that what you went through was difficult and her death brought some relief from the fear of her being in a PVS. Or it could be that you guys were so strong that you’re able to pick up the pieces and be okay right away. Most likely what is happening is that howevermuch you’re dealing with things intellectually, your brain is quietly lalalaing to itself in the spots that will hurt the most.
If that’s the case, then at some point you will start to come out of the dissociative state. It’s not unlikely that whatever you decide about God and the nature of the universe right now will crumble under new life realities. Chances are that the relative peace you’re in right now is temporary and while it’s certainly possible that profound truths will come to you and comfort you, it’s also possible that in time they will seem false and petty.
The thing is, it’s okay to question. It’s okay to decide one thing today and another the next. If the Truth were something we could quantify or corner, we would have done it. Heaven knows the human race has spent enough time trying. You are going to have to find a center within yourself where you can be, and however you get there is fine. And if you find it and lose it, that is also normal and okay.
It seems to me that you have a pretty powerful brain, and right now it’s calling the shots. It may be throwing theological debates at you to make sure that you ignore the numb spot that it’s desperate not to acknowledge.
That’s okay. It really is.
I have no answers, but I’m still thinking of you. Thank you for sharing your story.
KP
November 29th, 2006 at 1:35 pm
The Stranger, along with The Cherry Orchard, ruined 4th hour for me for good my senior year. I shudder when I think of those two titles and how my mind could not wrap itself around them.
But that’s not the point of this post. I think what you’re grappling is very common. I used to belong to a church with an excellent minister who often preached about doubt, his own doubt, and where those feelings led him. Mostly, they led him back to God, but it was a roundabout trip. I believe without pause that God exists. I believe religion as it is today is the product of man. It’s a conflicting situation.
I wish you peace, AT. You seem to be headed that direction.
November 29th, 2006 at 2:50 pm
Having experienced something similar a few months ago to what you are going through right now, I can tell you that I’ve had the same questions..”did they know they were dying?”..”am I nuts, is this feeling real..is that them that I feel/hear?”..the questions about God…etc..I found you yesterday via another blog and I read all your entries regarding BJ. I am sorry for your loss…the what and how you have writen about it..I can relate to well…all too well. I have had experiences since my loss, that I chose to believe are too unreal to not be real..does that make sense?I don’t think you are jumping on a God thing to avoid the idea that BJ is gone…seems to me from what you’ve expressed so well here, you have accepted it. I think what’s hard to accept or believe fully is that we DO feel them…you’ve never been here before..it’s all new..give it time..all things will be answered…meanwhile, love never ends…BJ’s showing you daily.
November 29th, 2006 at 2:59 pm
Nothing profound here, just wanted to say Happy Wednesday to all but for some reason I can’t post in the chat box…..
Vickie
November 29th, 2006 at 3:39 pm
Btw, faithpromise.org also has a link to our pastor’s blog, has some
interesting posts on it. He posts a question there daily and people answer, ask more questions, or just vent.
November 29th, 2006 at 3:41 pm
I would love to boost for the church right now, but I can’t. The best I can say is do what makes you comfortable. While I have absolutely no doubts about the existence and presence of God, I am not sure about any one religion being right. I’m not about to go Baha’i any time soon, but that’s because I’m comfortable with the musty, old-fashioned set of rules that govern Catholics.
November 29th, 2006 at 3:58 pm
I think that slowly getting around to visiting different churches would be an awesome idea. I found a church in Washington when I lived there and hadn’t given much thought or time to God. This church brought everything into perspective and made it easy to accept God. Of course, you know that at the time I was squarely in the middle of really screwing my life up… Well, I guess I was at the tail end. I guess what I’m trying to say is that not all churches are the same. Some leave me cold, but every now and then you’ll come across one that you know without a doubt is moving in the right direction.
November 29th, 2006 at 4:13 pm
Hi AT,
Can I point you to something to read? It’s just my blog, but it’s a strange experience I had that you might be able to relate to. As much as I have to admit (as a recovering Catholic who’s now a Unitarian Universalist) that it’s possible that the death of the body could mean the cessation of any spirit, that people who leave us are gone forever), weird stuff like this happens and I just can’t make myself believe that this life is all we get.
Ramble all you like. We’re still thinking of you here in soCal.
November 29th, 2006 at 4:18 pm
Maybe it is organized religion that screws up the whole point of faith. Boil down every sacred book to its bare essence, and love is always at the core. So even when we don’t believe, or question faith, we still end up “there,” eventually. Especially if we have loved or were loved.
I for one, think the atheists will be pleasantly surprised.
November 29th, 2006 at 7:03 pm
Questioning is a good thing. I believe you’re on the right track. And soon enough, you’ll find yourself (meaning you’ll find what you believe, what you’re comfortable believing, and how to continue your life with those beliefs) Searching and pondering these things brings enlightenment, like I said, you’re on the right track.
November 29th, 2006 at 9:50 pm
My faith comes in waves. It’s very tidal. It might just be tied to the moon. My zodiac sign is cancer, which is all about the moon and being a home body. Don’t know what being a home body has to do with faith.
I experienced what I call the Kingdom of God when all this was at its peak. I think GAC’s organs were failing at that point and things seemed very dire then. They were dire.
I want to cry out. I want God to be like the sun that comes up every morning where I can point to it. I want God to be more substantial than what I feel. I want and I want. But now I think of the 23 Psalm. It says the Lord is my shephard and I shall not want.
I don’t know, dude.
November 29th, 2006 at 9:51 pm
I’ll never understand, and I’ll never cease pondering, how it is that life, and pain, and death, have value of their own to God. (’Him’ works for me, you can say Her or It if you prefer.) But it is clear to me that what we endure, and how we deal with it, and how, through it all, we look after others, is what matters and what counts.
November 29th, 2006 at 11:09 pm
Lots of sage wisdom hereabout. Part of me would like to believe that our departed linger on to comfort us, but then part of me hopes that when I pass on, it will be final and finite as the thought of existing forever is a depressing one (even if heaven is a prospect).
November 29th, 2006 at 11:24 pm
Feel what you feel when you feel it. Believe what you believe. Just know that religion is Man’s thing. Not God’s.
God sends messages to man all the time. Sometimes man chooses to interpret those messages a particular way and build a whole lot of stuff around that interpretation and calls that the “true religion”.
I’m thinking that what you have experienced is about as close to the essence of God as one can get in our physical life.
BJ’s squeezing your fingers when she was closer to that than you were…I’d like to think that was confirmation from someone who was very close to the Source.
What a blessing!
Peace to you!
November 29th, 2006 at 11:35 pm
Everyone knew Higgins was the driving force behind Magnum P.I. Jeez, AT, how about some original thought here? ;)
November 30th, 2006 at 9:17 am
The irony just hit me this morning. Jake wrote his story about the personal and lifechanging experiences he had as he watched he beloved sicken and die. A few Internet skeptics disbelieved, and it was incredible to those of us who actually were there and saw the truth of everything Jake wrote about. Then this post is about questioning the identity and presence of God, who wrote His own story about much the same thing. It may be incredible to believe it, but y’know…..
November 30th, 2006 at 8:07 pm
In the days following the death of my mom, I was having a really difficult time. I couldn’t remember the sound of my mom’s voice, and questioned the afterlife.
Tess, from crankychick.com left this in the comment section on my site which helped me.
“I’ve had my doubts about the afterlife, but what convinces me there’s something greater than ourselves is the fact that human beings and the Universe itself are so miraculously built, so intelligently formed that I find it hard to believe it could have happened by accident. The depth of our emotions, the bonds of relationships - it’s all evidence to me that there’s something greater.”