November 30th, 2006 by The Bosphorus
It’s morning now as l’m writing this and will be evening when l post it. I wonder what will happen in the meantime?I drove into work listening to Sufjan Stevens and arguing w/ my head notions about God. I’m off target there living in my head, but that is what it is.
Lunch time. A busy morning and everyone is dropping sick here. Went round and round in my head w/ my God talk. Don’t know it, but l believe l had myself a little spiritual panic attack. See l don’t have trouble w/ the organized part of religion. It’s the personal that gives me fits. I want God to be a bit more obvious than what l’ve experienced up to this point.
lt seems to me that if God is real in any normal since of the word, then we ought to be able to point our fingers to … what? What exactly can we point our fingers to? Where is god? What cause and effect relationship can we attribute to God? God isn’t “real” in any normal sense of that word. Think about a log. You can go out, pick one up and whack somebody with it. A rock, a volkswagon, or a dog they’re all the same in the sense that they’re real. You can even drop any one of them and see the effect of gravity. I can even say gravity is real, but don’t ask me anymore about it.
But w/ God l can’t do any of that. l can’t hold him. l can’t kick him. l can’t take and make something beautiful from him. l can’t even have a conversation w/ him. So, in what sense is God real?
Afternoon break: Eating a granola bar. Not much has changed. I’ve tried not to dwell on it. That’s what l’ll do, if l’m not careful. l dwell on things. I mean really. I’ve thought about this all day. One of my co-workers broke down and started crying while she was talking to me. She thinks work is going to pot. I think it’s just a job. I’m not stressing about work, because (right now, ahem) I’m not seeking any meaning from it. I can’t say the same is true with spiritual matters. I don’t want religion to be just religion, like work is just work.
l can’t say l feel the intensity of my god questions right now. I have thought that perhaps this is all a matter of perspective. The willing mind is able to “see” things the unwilling cannot. That also strikes me as a tad delusional.
Evening: I gave the boys a bubble bath tonight. They put on a little play where spotz had a bubble beard and Lugnut poored water from as high as he could reach.
I can feel how today has left my belly knotted up. Unfortunately this blog entry won’t see my questions wrapped up. They’re still there. The Missus says I’ve got some anxiety going on with how I approach my religion. No doubt, she’s right. So I suppose I don’t deal well with not feeling certain about … well, whatever. In this case it’s God and religion. I just wish there was more to go on.
An Aside: This reminds me of a scene from The Last Temptation of Christ. Jesus has gone out to be with some religious recluses living in the desert. They know who he is. Jesus is talking with one of them and getting all emo about how hard it is to be God’s chosen one. The other one says, “Jeeze, get over yourself, at least God speaks to you.”
Indeed.
November 30th, 2006 at 9:30 pm
I dunno, bos. I don’t think you’ll find theological reconciliation from a religious splatter flick. Just sayin’.
November 30th, 2006 at 9:45 pm
Why do you think you could understand any of these answers? I mean, lets just say, for arguments purposes, that there is a omniscient, omnipotent, infinite being calling the shots.
The chance of a meat and electricity processing unit understanding this infinity would be nil. I mean, the capacity just wouldn’t seem to be there, to me, and if it were, you wouldn’t be able to understand anything else.
Just let it be, dude. Let it be.
November 30th, 2006 at 9:46 pm
I’m looking for answers myself and I enjoy reading your thoughts on the subject. I was (it’s even hard to write was) a Christian but now I’m…not sure. I want to believe in God and there are instances where I find myself praying but to who I’m not sure. On the one hand I don’t think there is a God or an afterlife. That just seems right to me or maybe logical. On the other hand I feel like our souls have to go on, that even though they aren’t real, like a log, they are there.
November 30th, 2006 at 9:57 pm
I think God does “talk” to people, but I think it’s a process. We talk to him first and then, we have to be still, and listen.Personally I have never heard God speak to me, yet I have felt him lead me in decision making. People I have talked to who have “heard” God, say it’s not an audible voice, but an internal communication within their heart. Others have said,while meditating on scripture, that God has revealed things to them. Sometimes I forget how supernatural God is, that He’s not flesh and blood. He was, but He’s not now. I know that the more I talk to God, the closer I feel to HIm. It all comes back to faith, blind faith, that you believe that God is who and what He says He is, make sense?
November 30th, 2006 at 10:17 pm
Faith: n.Belief or Trust belief in, devotion to, or trust in somebody or something, especially without logical proof.
My take on the God/Greater Power mystery boils down to that single word.
We each have to make up our minds and reconcile our own feelings.
And whatever answer a person comes to is the right answer for him.
November 30th, 2006 at 11:03 pm
Several times on this blog I have read “it is what it is”. Well, I believe that “God is”. God is in you and me, the day and the night, the sun and the moon, you get the point. I believe that God is the constant and the variable is me. On the days that I feel apart from God it is me that has wandered, not him/her whatever. I believe that we are all entwined like a cord of yarn, each strand as important and beautiful as the next. I think God is tangible, because when I hold my son’s hand I can feel God. I think God is audible. I hear God when my sons play the string bass. I see God in the flowers in the spring and the leaves in the fall. I smell God when the rain is five minutes away and heading our way. When I have a blue bunny day, I try to remember that I am on a path of growth and growth is not easy. I wish you all peace.
November 30th, 2006 at 11:12 pm
I wish I had some big thoughts on the subject but the truth is that my faith is shot all to hell right now. You would think will all the good things going on I would prance in my underware through a field of daisies singing Jesus loves me but I am not. Had my two to four years in seminary and I am still asking the same questions. I get so lost in the push and pull of all of it. Trying to get some semblence of knowing — knowing for sure. But I have been burned too many times. Too many people — imperfect as they may have become — have torched me in the name of God. My prayers at times are silent stand offs with God. I simply flush my mind and just stare at Him with my mind. You know when you dig down deep enough, it seems that everything He is, is opposite of what we come to expect. I mean, take cause and effect. That is a linear mode of thought — God (of the Judeo Christian variety) is eternal, infinite — a circle with no end and no begining. He is not time bound as we are — every point in time; past, present and future is right now for Him.
I can relate to to the struggle — wanting to know — aching to know/feel something to validate the foundation of what I call truth that I stand on. Sometime I think I am standing on nothing — like Peter on the water.
November 30th, 2006 at 11:13 pm
i graduated with a bible degree … i should be of help somehow but at this point in my life i am so very not. faith is my safety net and i am reclining in it like a hammock right now. i don’t recommend it. and don’t need to be reminded … hammocks can flip you face down on the ground so fast.
November 30th, 2006 at 11:25 pm
When you hear your children laugh… it’s proof.
The fact that you met BJ….is proof.
Every sweet memory of her that your brain lets you experience…is proof.
The sun on your face and the cool breeze on your cheek…is proof.
These things are real.
Who/What else has the power to create all of this?
November 30th, 2006 at 11:53 pm
I say, if you want to see God, look in the faces of your children and ask yourself how can there NOT be a God.
December 1st, 2006 at 1:45 am
Whoa, I have wanted to say some things about faith and so on. As you know from my previous posts, I am a found-again Catholic who became a RelEd teacher who had questions/doubts during the ordeal of my grandbaby. I have had to try and come up with answers for my teenagers for the last 6 years (OMG good luck AT with MastaG…been there done that). At any rate, my point is I have been silent because I can’t put into words my feelings about faith, etc. but NOF you ROCK (hope I am not too old for that statement…ok I am). Seriously, he hit is on the nail head. Look into the faces of your children. That is kinda why I sent you that link to my grandbaby LadyBugs silly face. God is reflected in the face of children. BTW your Mom rocks, tell her I said so. I have read what she has written here and her soul/love/caring shines through, plus she raised a very awesome dewd in you, or you could not have loved BJ as much as it shows here. Oh, and I think your mom and mine are related somehow.
Sorry, rambling, but NOF you are so right.
Vickie
December 1st, 2006 at 1:48 am
Umm sorry Bos, I havent seen your mom post. I meant ATs mom….me bad.
December 1st, 2006 at 8:26 am
Geez, it’s about time someone else posted on here. I’m about tired of AT. It’s fun to hear someone else’s struggles. Oddly enough, at a time when so many of you are afraid you have lost your sense of the divine, I have been enjoying the feeling of having Him hold me in His arms. I am overwhelmed with the love He has shown Jake and BJ in so many ways, in the midst of their grief. I have been strengthened by this. So much of faith has to do with hindsight. Our understanding is blocked, and we don’t know what the future could have been for BJ. We assume that she would continue on in good health and happiness if she hadn’t died, but what if not? Maybe God was gracious enough to take her (fairly) gently to spare her from horror. Why do we assume that our lives will continue to improve/maintain? I believe maybe its because of hope, deeply imbedded in the marrow of our bones, deeper than thought or reason. It’s the unconscious thought that we deserve goodness and health and all the intangibles that we seek. Why in the world would we deserve them? Perhaps because deep in the marrow of our bones, we know we are loved by our ‘God.
December 1st, 2006 at 8:30 am
BTW, thank you Vickie. I will never think of you without blessing you for sending the prayer shawl. Crystal used it to wrap around BJ’s throat to hide the trach and IV lines when the kids came to say goodbye. The colors were beautiful, and BJ looked beautiful with it up close to her face. It was a true gift. And thanks for saying I rock! You should see me pat myself on the back sometimes!
December 1st, 2006 at 9:20 am
Thanks to all of you. My faith, like I said in another comment somewhere else, comes and goes. It waxes and wains like the moon. Yep. I have to ride those motions.
So many different thoughts I want to respond to or acknowledge, but not quite the time here at work. Sumgirl and your hammock o’faith. AT I hear what you’re saying about God being totally other than us finite humans. I have to say one the beauties of Xtianity is its notion of the incarnation — God among us, immanuel, in other words.
Our children, where God is present there. The eyes to see and ears to hear. Those a gift… a grace. hmmm… Thank you all.
December 1st, 2006 at 9:22 am
Timsan1, thanks for yours about Jesus and Peter on the water. Yes.
December 1st, 2006 at 9:24 am
Uh, sorry Bos. Of course it’s not all about BJ. So many other parts of your life affect your relationship with God. Maybe Your struggle to love Him is what makes that love so precious. Rest. Instead of struggling to love Him, love your beautiful wife and babies and unborn child instead. Love your friends and acquaintances. Have a beer. Watch a movie. Sleep. Shop. Whatever. You are so precious your own self, and you are a gift. Forgive me for sounding smug and know it all.
December 1st, 2006 at 12:30 pm
Thanks, Damama. I really appreciate your care. And you’re right on target the relax and rest. It’s funny how I see my own kids, or other people, struggling. I think if they’d just relax a bit life would be easier. Then I go and get in the same boat.
BTW
I also agree with what you say about our notions of progress and such.
December 4th, 2006 at 1:24 am
Great comments today, last night, whenever….Damama, Vickie, and all of you..yes, it’s hard to put in to words sometimes. God is every where in our lives and in the lives of others. Making a conscious effort to see God and His work in our lives is such an easy thing to do. I don’t think God intends for us to make it so complicated. Giving Him the honor and glory is our reason for existing. A lot of you folks have done just that with your comments. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. AT/Jake we begin another week without BJ, and we will continue our prayers for you and the little guys. We pray that God will continue to give you strengh and wisdom in all decisions that you make for yourself and the boys. We pray that He will be beside you every second of every day and night as you “press on” with the business of life. We love you big guy. Oh yes, I was excited when I read that you would like to continue your college classes. Continue asking God for His help in all things….
Love Aunt Beck
March 15th, 2007 at 2:01 pm
GOD and Geometry
Why is the Pythagorean Theorem called the Pythagorean Theorem? Well, for one reason because a dude named Pythagoras came up with it. Why though is it a Theorem? That’s because for well over 2000 years academia has been trying to “prove” it, which would make it a law. They haven’t succeeded yet, and so it’s still just a “theory” to them.
To the contractor that wants to make sure that the foundation he’s building is square and true, it makes no difference whether some guys can prove on paper that it’s a law. Heck, most contractors don’t even use the term “Pythagorean Theorem”. To them it’s just the 3,4,5 rule. To the carpenter that needs to know exactly how long to cut the roof joists on a house, this “theory” is more than trustworthy enough to be used every time to calculate how long the board needs to be. Ask anyone that uses this “theorem” in their everyday life if they are afraid to trust it, because some mathematician can’t prove it’s trustworthy, and they’d just laugh. They know it’s trustworthy, they’ve seen it prove itself absolutely every time they’ve worked with it. To those that consider it just an abstract idea, it may be an unproven theory; but to those who work with and trust it it’s as real as the product that they created using it.
GOD is like that. Only most of academia has been trying to disprove HIM instead of prove HIM. To those that consider HIM only as an abstract idea, HE is unproven and therefore not to be considered an absolute law. To those of us who work with GOD everyday, to those whom HE has proven HIMSELF absolutely every time, HE is as real as the world HE created.
If you want to spend all of your time sitting in a room pondering the reality of the Pythagorean Theorem, history tells us you will never find your proof. If you want to see the reality of it, find someone using it to lay a foundation and see it prove itself. You’ll find such a person anywhere something is being built. If you want to spend all of your time sitting in a room pondering the reality of GOD, history tells us you will never find your proof. If you want to see the reality of HIM, find someone using HIM as the foundation for their lives and see HIM prove HIMSELF. You’ll find such a person in just about any church.