Atomictumor

Yes, Allisone, another title we recognize!

So, my abs hurt, I’m drinking at the Mellow Mushroom, I just put out something that MastaG would kill me for having (it was good), and I’m wondering if theres some kind of secret handshake involved in the outside world these days for folks.

Its interesting, because I’ve been in my own world for so long, and now it seems like I wanna join this one.

Hmm.

—

So, the rings are still off.  My fingers are kinda cold, but its a little nice to feel like I’m moving on.  I commented earlier today that maybe I’ll be mad at myself one day for trying this kinda stuff too early, but right now I think its OK.

I’m getting tired of writing about myself!  Seems like I’m tired of hearing about me, blah blah blah, getting into emo territory.  GAC would mock me.  Mock mock mock.

Its only been one beer.  I’m not dumb, and I’m not planning on being self destructive or any of that kinda stuff.  However, its a Friday night, the kids are gone, and I’m alone in Knoxville.  Its nice being around all these people having a good time, and sitting on the periphery of things.  I don’t ever really wanna involve myself in the kind of life that involves drinking beer at a Mellow Mushroom more than every once in a while, but its a bit of a treat.  Why the hell didn’t GAC and I do this?

Oh yeah, because we couldn’t afford it.

Speaking of afford, today I’ve been playing with a new idea.  See, the van sucks.  BJ (almost said GAC, but, like in Fight Club, she’s BJ now) wrote at length about its many faults a month or two ago, and I’m thinking that I don’t need something that big.  I additionally don’t need to pay for insurance for two cars.  I love the Volvo, but its just not dependable enough for us to rely on as an only car.

So, I’m thinking that BJ may be getting us a new car.

Carmax has a Jetta for cheap.  Figuring, even if I got a crappy interest rate (which I probably would, on account of I suck), it’d cost about 100 bucks a month less, for a nice, 6 cyl, quick ass’d manual transmission Jetta.

Now, I’m not gonna rush out and buy a car, I’m going to be all sorts of studious about it, and involve Eaves, who is the worlds best penny pincher.  Actually, let me take a moment and apologize to Bos, who expressed interest in heading out with me.  I figured I’d head to O.R. after dropping the kids off, but didn’t.

Holy moly, is this rambling?  Has that beer (OK, two beers) gotten on top of me?  Am I going to be trapped here, in this world of 20somethings, for the rest of the night?  I moved over a second ago for some folks to play the poker game at the end of the bar, and we talked computers for a bit.

This is nice.

Wheres the plot, man?  Wheres the damn point?

—

I think its outside somewhere.  I don’t think the wifi here is working well, and I’ll end up losing this rambly train wreck of a post.

Why do my abs hurt?

Good question.

Its because I did a bunch of sit-ups this morning.  Seriously, like two days of that, and I’m a big ol’ sissy.  I need to keep that up, and get all in shape.  I think thats going to be a part of the new me, and thats good, because the old me was really trying to think about wanting to get in decent shape for a while.  So, maybe thats a silver lining.

Hmm.

—

So, I noticed today, that a writer for Nashville Scene, and a pretty good blog writer herself, said something about my site.  I’ve noticed a lot of people noticing this little site, and I’m almost afraid it’ll go to my head.

People think I’m a good writer?  What?

Well, thats cool.  I don’t really have low self esteem, which is a hallmark of a good writer, so what does that make me?

Maybe that’ll be part of the new me too.  I’ve always enjoyed this stuff, but I’ve enjoyed doing it for me.  Its strange having other people enjoy it, because I don’t really think its very good.  I mean, I reread it, and think “well, I summed myself up pretty well”, but to have strangers, who don’t have the luxury of having a condo in my noggin, tell me its good?

Shoot man, its all reaction.  I would say that the words, many of them, particularly the ones that I said to my children that helped them, didn’t come from my brain.  I’d say that God, or Brahma, or whatever put them there, but thats sounding pretty high and mighty, eh?  Still tho, I think I’ve had a lot of help, and thats hard for a prideful man like me to admit.

Good thing this is just the internet, eh?

—

Hell dude, lets cut this thing off before it gets silly, huh?  Maybe I’ll be back later.

I love BJ.  I love her so much.  I don’t know how much I feel her, and I feel the enormity of our paths diverging.  I feel myself changing, and her being… something else.  I still intend to meet her after all of this, but who will I be then?

Thats a question that I don’t think any of you can answer, my varied internet friends.

So, today I am, on a trial basis, subscribing to metal-less fingers.  The rings are safely on the plug of the bathroom sink, where I place them when I take a shower, BJ’s nestled nicely into mine, so if I have problems with myself, I can just tell myself that I forgot to put them on.  Right.

I’m joking.

Truth is, I’m not, by nature, a real sentimental person.  The clothes yesterday, they don’t really bother me.  If I were giving them to Goodwill or something, that’d be one thing.  I’m either going to give them to friends, who I hope to see wearing them (because it’d be a little like having a part of BJ running around, just without the zombification), or I’m going to have them boxed up at BJ’s folks house, because BJ’s mom is a sentimental person for things.  That way, if, say 5 years down the line, I suddenly get the urge to play with one of her thongs, well, I’ll know where it is.

And hopefully, none of BJ’s friends will be wearing it.  Eww.

—

Yesterday a friend I haven’t seen in many moons came by (this has happened a few times this week, in fact), and she and I had a nice talk.  She’s a single mom also, so thats neat.

Really, I’m not so the much worried about not being able to raise the kids, because they always come first.  I’m more worried about working enough to make money, to keep the house, without neglecting them.  I refuse to do that, folks.

That, and I’d still be mighty interested in going back to school.  If I could find a way to maintain the standard of living we have, and quit my job to knock out a full time bachelors degree, buddy, I’d be all about it.  Problem is, without the extra person pulling the weight in the house, I’m not going to have time to to do full time school, if I have to be the breadwinner also.  Sucks, doesn’t it?

Yeah, I know that single parents work full time jobs and go to school and raise perfectly healthy, well adjusted kids, but I don’t know if those people do it with children who had their Mommy taken away way too early.

Anyway, thats one of my thoughts.  Theres plenty of time to straighten that out.  I’ve been feeling an urge to try to nail down, as quickly as possible, the nature of this brave new life without BJ, to figure out what my hours at work will be, and when I’ll have a chance to ride the bike around town (something I intend to do on a daily basis, for multiple reasons.  I’ve also been doing sit-ups every morning before my coffee, orange and shower.  I guess maybe I’m beefing up for when BJ’s clone gets finished, or maybe I’m just trying to make sure that some freak illness doesn’t catch my immune system with its pants down, and leave the boys with nobody).

—

Welcome to December.  Things are changing.

Here in East Tennessee, pressure is low.  Wind is blowing my empty garbage cans around outside, and the pine tree in the front yard is dancing.  Normally, I hate these transitory weather days, but today I’m cool with it.  Last night and this morning had all sorts of rain, and the highest point of the day is supposed to be the earliest point.  Winter’s a coming.

I told BJ, a few weeks ago, that I’m predicting this winter to be a hard one.  She wasn’t so sure.  She knows I say that every year, and every year we don’t get that massive cold and snow stuff that I totally don’t look forward to (which is why we didn’t move to Canada, like I wanted to), and every year it doesn’t bother showing up.

Things are changing here, too.

I’m feeling the call to move on.  Thats why I took the rings off, and why I boxed her stuff up.  Life doesn’t pause, and neither I nor BJ would have it do so.  I honor her, and respect and love her, in every moment of my life.  It’ll always be that way.  I miss her, sure, who wouldn’t, but I’m not going to let that control me.

I’m still half waiting for the other shoe to drop, but I’m not so sure that it will.  The weird thing is, I’m OK with that.  I haven’t felt sad in a week.  I just feel like me.

Furthermore, I completely know who “I” am.  I’m not in danger of taking compliments, or criticism, or advice to my head.  I think the grounding that BJ always gave me in life has stuck to who I am, even without her being here.

I haven’t necessarily felt her presence, strongly, like I did those first days, and I think maybe its cuz I don’t need to.  I love her, and I love that she’s free.

Lost the point here, took too many calls (I’m working and writing).  Signing off…