December 1st, 2006 by Atomictumor
So, today I am, on a trial basis, subscribing to metal-less fingers. The rings are safely on the plug of the bathroom sink, where I place them when I take a shower, BJ’s nestled nicely into mine, so if I have problems with myself, I can just tell myself that I forgot to put them on. Right.
I’m joking.
Truth is, I’m not, by nature, a real sentimental person. The clothes yesterday, they don’t really bother me. If I were giving them to Goodwill or something, that’d be one thing. I’m either going to give them to friends, who I hope to see wearing them (because it’d be a little like having a part of BJ running around, just without the zombification), or I’m going to have them boxed up at BJ’s folks house, because BJ’s mom is a sentimental person for things. That way, if, say 5 years down the line, I suddenly get the urge to play with one of her thongs, well, I’ll know where it is.
And hopefully, none of BJ’s friends will be wearing it. Eww.
—
Yesterday a friend I haven’t seen in many moons came by (this has happened a few times this week, in fact), and she and I had a nice talk. She’s a single mom also, so thats neat.
Really, I’m not so the much worried about not being able to raise the kids, because they always come first. I’m more worried about working enough to make money, to keep the house, without neglecting them. I refuse to do that, folks.
That, and I’d still be mighty interested in going back to school. If I could find a way to maintain the standard of living we have, and quit my job to knock out a full time bachelors degree, buddy, I’d be all about it. Problem is, without the extra person pulling the weight in the house, I’m not going to have time to to do full time school, if I have to be the breadwinner also. Sucks, doesn’t it?
Yeah, I know that single parents work full time jobs and go to school and raise perfectly healthy, well adjusted kids, but I don’t know if those people do it with children who had their Mommy taken away way too early.
Anyway, thats one of my thoughts. Theres plenty of time to straighten that out. I’ve been feeling an urge to try to nail down, as quickly as possible, the nature of this brave new life without BJ, to figure out what my hours at work will be, and when I’ll have a chance to ride the bike around town (something I intend to do on a daily basis, for multiple reasons. I’ve also been doing sit-ups every morning before my coffee, orange and shower. I guess maybe I’m beefing up for when BJ’s clone gets finished, or maybe I’m just trying to make sure that some freak illness doesn’t catch my immune system with its pants down, and leave the boys with nobody).
—
Welcome to December. Things are changing.
Here in East Tennessee, pressure is low. Wind is blowing my empty garbage cans around outside, and the pine tree in the front yard is dancing. Normally, I hate these transitory weather days, but today I’m cool with it. Last night and this morning had all sorts of rain, and the highest point of the day is supposed to be the earliest point. Winter’s a coming.
I told BJ, a few weeks ago, that I’m predicting this winter to be a hard one. She wasn’t so sure. She knows I say that every year, and every year we don’t get that massive cold and snow stuff that I totally don’t look forward to (which is why we didn’t move to Canada, like I wanted to), and every year it doesn’t bother showing up.
Things are changing here, too.
I’m feeling the call to move on. Thats why I took the rings off, and why I boxed her stuff up. Life doesn’t pause, and neither I nor BJ would have it do so. I honor her, and respect and love her, in every moment of my life. It’ll always be that way. I miss her, sure, who wouldn’t, but I’m not going to let that control me.
I’m still half waiting for the other shoe to drop, but I’m not so sure that it will. The weird thing is, I’m OK with that. I haven’t felt sad in a week. I just feel like me.
Furthermore, I completely know who “I” am. I’m not in danger of taking compliments, or criticism, or advice to my head. I think the grounding that BJ always gave me in life has stuck to who I am, even without her being here.
I haven’t necessarily felt her presence, strongly, like I did those first days, and I think maybe its cuz I don’t need to. I love her, and I love that she’s free.
Lost the point here, took too many calls (I’m working and writing). Signing off…
December 1st, 2006 at 11:04 am
Hate to draw parallels again, but it’s the only way I know of relating.
After Katrina, I had this overwhelming urge to just deal with the aftermath, and get on with it. I couldn’t cling to my life in LA. It’s like I just had to recognize that phase of my life was over, and move on to the next chapter. I spent three days salvaging my house, and on the third day, I proclaimed that if it wasn’t something of serious sentimental value, it wasn’t coming out of the house. I was DONE with it.
I can’t do life in limbo, I just can’t. The tears and frustration were less from the loss of my career and everything I owned, than they were because multiple government agencies and insurance companies were holding my future hostage while they stood around with their thumbs up their butts. I wanted to move on and they WEREN’T LETTING ME.
My mother just didn’t get it. She clings to the past. I never have. Happiness isn’t in the yesterday or in the tomorrow. It’s in the “now”. You take what life deals you and you run with it. And somehow people seem to see that as shallow and pathological. I don’t get it.
December 1st, 2006 at 12:17 pm
AT, I have complete faith and confidence in you and your abilities. Dude, I can’t blame you for wanting to change and move on. If the other shoe drops, you can handle it. If it doesn’t….great. We’ll all be here for you regardless.
Give that great big man of a boy a kick in the butt from his aunt. Tell him I’ll get him a nice little doll for Christmas.
December 1st, 2006 at 12:59 pm
Pigpen would probably be delighted to get a doll. I have it from a reliable source (Pigpen himself) that he wants the Dora Fairy Princess doll for Christmas. Seriously.
December 1st, 2006 at 1:10 pm
Oh, I would be so screwed! I am the biggest sentimental sap you’ll ever come across. Old movie tickets from our first date, a napkin we played TicTacToe on the way to Jamaica, baby’s first haircut–guess that would be like you hanging onto a bottle of pee, eh? I can see why you say, “no thanks”!
However having said that, I did partake in a major overhaul of the house over the past week (i.e. decluttering) and it feels AWESOME. I hope you can have that same sense of relief.
December 1st, 2006 at 1:27 pm
You are smart and an excellent writer - you should go to college. You could even start at
a community college located near you. Colleges these days often offer some courses before work and via the Internet. Some schools are willing to bend some rules if there is a family hardship. (You never know until you ask!) Go part-time. Take one class at a time and explore what interests you. Maybe looking over some college catalogs will give you something to do when you don’t know what to do with yourself. Dream big!
December 1st, 2006 at 1:38 pm
I have a friend who is a single dad who goes to school full time, and works part-time. He was able to get some scholarship from the Ford Foundation for single parents. It was his key to going back to school. The thing is, close to 90% of applicants are female, so being male gives you an edge. I’ll ask him for info about it next time I see him.
December 1st, 2006 at 1:47 pm
Oh - I forgot to add:
It took me almost 12 years to finish my undergraduate degree. Life intervened. I now have a PhD (which, in science, they actually pay you to get if you can get accepted). I graduated with the PhD at 36 years old.
Keep plugging.
December 1st, 2006 at 1:49 pm
I just wanted to mention to you, (although it sounds like this doesn’t apply to you thought) that as someone who lost a parent way to early, be sure and talk to your kids about their Mom. I was 3 when we lost my Dad and my Mom never really talked about Dad. We’re not prone to showing alot of emotion in my family and talking about him made her sad or something I guess, so we just never discussed it. I can tell you though, as a soon to be 31 year old, that I sort of feel, not necessarily anger, but maybe a healthy dose of resentment that I missed out on all sorts of great stories that I’m just now hearing. But then I guess better late than never.
December 1st, 2006 at 2:00 pm
Oh yeah. BJ will very much be a part of our lives. I’m not one to file her away. Yeah, her stuff, cuz it takes up valuable real estate that my stuff could have, but not from the kids.
Right now, I’m letting them start the conversations, but I mention her daily, “What would Mom think of this?” or “Remember when Mom…”, or “You know what your Mother would say?”
When they say prayers at night (something that we didn’t really do until now together) we do the “Now I Lay Me”, and then they do the freehand prayers, and they always start with “Dear God. Please bless Mommy…”, no matter which kid says em (we take turns).
Yeah, they’ll know her, I think. I love them too much, and she was too awesome a lady, to take away like that.
December 1st, 2006 at 2:57 pm
If the other shoe is going to drop it’s not going to do it when your waiting on it. You have a life to live. You love BJ and everyone knows that.
Maybe you could take a class or two here and there. I had a big shift in priorities when I had The Stash. No amount of money can make me want to miss out on his childhoood. I do like taking classes though. For me the key has been taking a class here and there. Something I’m really interested in instead of being on the fast track to any degree.
December 1st, 2006 at 3:09 pm
I think you won the arguement hands down about it going to be a hard winter.
As for college…scholarships, grants and loans (oh my). You can do it. You should do it. No regrets, cyber friend.
December 1st, 2006 at 3:29 pm
she’s free …i like that.
December 1st, 2006 at 3:31 pm
Thinking of all of you. You are so brave.
December 1st, 2006 at 3:32 pm
sunday at 4, AT, be here or be [] (that’s more of a rectangle but the best i can do). today’s friday - a good day to start nagging … sunday at 4, sunday at 4, sunday at 4…..
December 1st, 2006 at 4:41 pm
It was good to see you guys again. Sorry my kids turned into maniacs, I think there was a little over-excitement going on there, we had a talk.
About the school thing, I get you. I always wanted to go back to school but I haven’t been able to figure it out without spending a whole lot of time away from the kids, and I just don’t want to do that. Maybe someday, but not now.
December 1st, 2006 at 5:21 pm
You know, you keep saying you are waiting for the “other shoe to drop” or that you have not really started grieving yet…but when I read the posts from when BJ was alive in the hospital, in a very close to death state, you were grieving. You went through doubt, anger, bargaining, acceptance…you did it all Jake - just did it during her really sick times instead of after. I doubt it ever gets that bad again. When my mom died I did a very similar thing, and felt pretty bad for not getting torn up at the funeral or the days that followed…and while it was painful and I hated it, I didn’t react the way I thought I would. In hindsight, I can see that I did all of the hard emotion stuff before she died…my way of dealing with it I suppose.
December 1st, 2006 at 6:06 pm
Amnesia, yeah, that same thing has crossed my mind, but that the time I had hope. I figure at some point whats bound to come back is that ‘beating myself up’ thing that I put off way back a few weeks ago.
I’ll get mad for taking the rings off 2 weeks after she died.
I’ll get mad for not thinking of her constantly.
I’ll get mad for getting on with my life.
I could be wrong, its more just a guess.
December 1st, 2006 at 7:17 pm
Hello,
When my ex husband left me along with our 4 small children at the time I knew I couldnt do it without gettin an education so I could build a better life for them. I also knew I had to be there for them as much as I could be. I enrolled in college which was pretty scary es[pecially since I hadnt been in school for 7 years. I took 2 classes at a time for a few hours a week. That way I could be with them as much as I could. Im almost done now and have learned and grown so much because of it. Now they are older and dont need me as much but I still go half time in case they need me. Youre so lucky to live in Tennessee I have visited before near knoxville and a place called athens very pretty! Take care
December 1st, 2006 at 8:19 pm
Thanks Angell!
Yeah, Athens has always been the halfway point tween here and the Blueberry Farm, its a good place!
December 1st, 2006 at 9:51 pm
You’re testing the your boundaries and how far you can go with your new self.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.
December 3rd, 2006 at 5:34 pm
In 2005 I finished my full time bachelors degree in teaching early childhood
I was a solomum of 2 then
but my youngest was 7 when I started
I use to look at other students with younger children and think how hard it must of been for them
id wait a while until your youngest is a little older
take one day at a time AT