December 2nd, 2006 by Atomictumor
So, there were two things I wanted to do tonight:
- Head by the record shop
- Not go to Turkey freakin Creek and get caught up in Christmas shopping traffic.
Guess what I did?
—
So I went to BJ’s folks house and hung out for a spell. They had some other relatives there that I really didn’t know, MastaG was calmly and discreetly reminding me how much he wanted to go home, and Pigpen was oblivious. I hung around there an hour, and took off. They really wanted us (the kids, more than me, I think) to stick around, but I wanted to get the boys and roll.
I’ve been pulling away from a lot lately. More on that later.
So, the boys and I vanned up, and took off. G was completely against the record store idea, which didn’t surprise me much, and completely killed the thing. If I lose him, I lose Pigpen. With no child support, theres no sense trying something that holds no appeal for the kids, like a record store. He was more of a thinking that we’d come home, and he could play his computer game. Pigpen, well, he fell asleep in the van shortly after takeoff.
I wasn’t really in the mood to head home and be bored. It seems like when we’re home (and I think I mentioned this earlier) theres a feeling that we’re all alone together. We’ll be in the same room, but we’re doing different things. I guess thats not really true, because Pigpen is constantly yakking at me, and reading books to me, and not giving me a moments peace. Its hard to get irritated at something like that, but frankly, I find myself accomplishing just that quite often. Thats not a change, I’d frequently come home to BJ saying that he wouldn’t give her a moments peace. He was a Mom’s boy, and I think its great, and very encouraging, that he’s able to have those attention needs filled by me. Even if I can’t get anything else done. Sigh.
So, I found myself turning left from their house near West Town Mall and heading west on Kingston Pike. My jaw was starting to tighten with all the holiday traffic. We persevered, and kept heading west on Kingston, discussing supper plans. None of us were particularly hungry. Somehow, and I’m still not sure how this happened, I got suckered into going to Target. We found a parking spot right up close (normally I’m a drive to the back kinda guy, but I couldn’t let this pass up), and headed in.
I ended up in the toy aisle. For like, 20 minutes. It totally sucked.
When I finally extricated the boys, they were each allowed $10 toys. Like, a month before Christmas, which is making my head spin. By now, my left eye was twitching, keeping my gritted teeth company. I was white knuckling the buggy that the kids were riding on (one of those kind that have the plastic seats at the end, Pigpen calls them his ‘train’), and growling as quietly as I could.
Yeah, not again. Christmas shopping online this year, buddy.
—
We ended up at the Mellow Mushroom, and had some pizza, which was very nice. The boys had their new robots on the table. Pigpen didn’t eat much, but I understood that he had some food shortly before leaving.
He argued with me about going home. I think the boy feels much like I do, in that the irritations of our new life are starting to mount up.
I mentioned my withdrawing from things a little further up. I think the irritation has something to do with that, I just don’t feel like I know how to talk to friends and family anymore. I mean, sure, I can keep up small talk, but I don’t look people in the eye, and I often feel like I just want to get home. To do what I’m doing now, crawl into bed. To type some stuff on the internet, save it for later. Get it out of me, and onto the 1s and 0s, the little wifi fairies.
I’m irritated that life is going on. I think thats what its boiling down to, the novelty of this is wearing off, and the stark realization that things are going to go back to normal, that the ocean is going to come back together around this enormous hole in my life and hide it away. That the rip is really just in me, and the boys, and those who loved her.
And it happened so suddenly. Just like that. She was here when fall began, just peachy and fine, and sick and dead now. Forever.
I’m still not sad about that, but I’m getting pissed. I suppose its natural, but I sure hate it. Anger and I have never gotten along well. I have a hard time not yelling and cursing when I get angry. I vent loudly. Not violently, although I have put the odd dent in a wall (a hole once or twice). I don’t like that.
The kids don’t need that crap. So, I swallow it down.
Actually, literally swallow it down. It was the weirdest thing, yesterday, while taking the boys to BJ’s folks house, we stopped by Wendy’s to get dinner for everybody. Pigpen’s drink fell out of his cupholder, a full, 20 oz beverage, and spilled all over the floor of the van. My temple twitched, and I felt pure rage, not at the kids, but at the situation boiling up from my chest.
I knew if I let it out, while we were driving, that it’d kinda freak the boys out, so I swallowed it. It was a freaky sensation. It worked, tho.
—
Its funny that I came home, and some guy left a comment asking where I get the money for eating out. I replied, in Bos’s previous post, and told him, not that he needs to know, that the money was given to me, often by strangers, sometimes by friends.
Those of you that were here earlier knew that I had a REAL HARD TIME accepting money, or gifts, or much of anything. I’ve never liked charity, and BJ and I have tried to stay away from it for a long time. Yes, we have been very broke for 10 years.
However, I don’t care about that pride anymore, and it is pride. People want to help, I need the help, so I accept money. I’ll spend it, where I think its best for me and the boys. Last night, I thought it was best spent on beer. Tonight, toys and pizza.
If anybody, like this JT character, who actually donated money (which I’m sure he didn’t) has a problem with the spending (and I’m pretty much telling you all about it here) let me know, and I’ll send a receipt for the charity that I send your money too. I’m not going to give it back, but I’ll donate it elsewhere, and give you proof.
Frankly, I have no idea, right now, how much has been donated to the BJ memorial fund. I went to the bank to get addresses to send thank you cards, but came home empty handed because somebody who wasn’t there had to sign off.
When I find out, I’ll pop it on here.
But do me a favor, folks like JT, or any of you other internet guys out, who feel entitled to anonymous criticism: remember where you are. This is all 100% real, this is my life, I’m opening it up to people I don’t know in a way that I never would have dreamed doing before. Please be respectful of that, thats all I ask.
December 2nd, 2006 at 9:25 pm
AT, F#ck ‘em. It’s no one’s business what you do with any money that came from any where. I’m sure you know that, but it’s irritating to know there are a##holes like that. To JT - get a life.
December 2nd, 2006 at 9:32 pm
web weirdness. people think they know you and have all the right in the world to make comment. don’t dignify it with a reaction.
December 2nd, 2006 at 9:33 pm
Fcuk ‘em. JT is nothing, AT.
December 2nd, 2006 at 9:36 pm
Dont even let that Jt persons comments linger in your head or upset you at all. Some poeple are miserable and want to make others feel miserable. YOuve had enough pain and I believe in karma so Jt will be getting his or hers.Yaa christmas shopping is a pain. I do alot of online shopping its just easier oh and the makk is 80 miles away the nearest thing here is walmart but dang a girl needs some variety!
December 2nd, 2006 at 9:37 pm
duh that should be mall but its dark in my room lol
December 2nd, 2006 at 9:48 pm
Yet another well written post. My husband about lost it when you talked about gritted teeth, twitching eye and white knuckled shopping…he has always had that prob shopping with the kids. As for JT the ignoramus (he didn’t even note that it was not you who posted), I ignored him because I hate to give attention to people like that, but I knew you would respond. You did so well. I was here and witnessed your extreme reluctance to accept gifts. But we all wanted to give what we could, in whatever manner we were able and we thank you for allowing us to fulfill that need.
Vickie
December 2nd, 2006 at 10:09 pm
as one of the anonymous masses that sent money, I personally don’t think you need to do the thank you notes. I think that those that donated (surely) did it because “we” all feel the sadness and horror of the “if it could have been him/ them, it could have been me, it could have been anyone.”
Maybe others have differing opinions, but I don’t think you should worry about the thank you notes. We know.
December 2nd, 2006 at 10:26 pm
Hi JT,
I gave a little Paypal gift to you and your family last week, and I would be tickled to think it was my money that bought the kids their toys and you a beer! So I’ll assume that it was. I hope you all enjoyed it!
Deb
PS: Paypal used my other email address (starts ‘dse@eur…’ )
December 2nd, 2006 at 10:30 pm
As another of the anonymous donors to the memorial fund, I agree with “me” above. Don’t worry about the thank-you notes, and don’t worry about what anyone thinks regarding your finances or spending patterns. If spending the money on any random thing brings even a single moment’s joy to you or the boys, then do it. I’m with you.
December 2nd, 2006 at 10:48 pm
Hey be careful of the “swallowing” it will make you sick.
Although I can’t tell you what to do instead so … so much for advice.
Be well and peace to you and the boys.
Oh yeah… the toy aisle … with 2 kids?!? You are a braver soul than I!
December 2nd, 2006 at 11:00 pm
You were near West Town Mall? Next time, let the boys play at our house for a bit. We’ve got a 4-y-o and a 10-y-o, marshmallow guns and a trampoline.
Be careful swallowing the emotions. Stress stomach is hard to handle with little people needing you. Punch a hole in the wall and cover it with a picture.
December 2nd, 2006 at 11:15 pm
Your choices are yours alone. Let JT or anyone else lose their best friend and life’s companion well before they should have, raise kids alone without that companion to consult with and then come back and criticize some small subset of the scores of choices you have to make every fucking day. He/she would eat a pile of shit before second guessing you again.
Anna was much better at accepting (and even asking for when she knew her time was short) gifts and asking for help than I was or am. I’ve learned to swallow my pride a bit in terms of gifts. I’m still pretty crappy about asking for help in terms of people’s time.
Funny, I use the $10 mark too when the fates direct us to the toy aisle. At least it was Target and not Wal-Mart. Worst case, I can get a decent cup of Starbucks at my Target. Too bad it’s 10 times further away for me. I have the misfortune of living a couple of blocks from Wal-Mart.
December 2nd, 2006 at 11:16 pm
Jeez, while anonymous a*#holes (or mostly anon) on the internet should hardly be surprising anymore, I nevertheless AM amazed that someone would be quite so callous and–as you said in your reply–so shallow about something like this, and at a time like this. Not being in your place, I frankly don’t think anyone can tell you what to do with your money, your kids, your time–any of it. And hell, if a pizza dinner with your boys, or a coupla beers on your own, can make any of you feel just a little bit better, it seems more than worth it to me.
December 2nd, 2006 at 11:23 pm
Well said AT!!!! You know what your boys need. Do with it want you want. flameslgs
December 2nd, 2006 at 11:31 pm
I get the same anger issues, not violent, just loud and it scares the little guy. I’m working on it, trying to count to 10, etc. But I’ve also found that punching a heavy bag helps, might be a good purchase and it serves double duty in that you get out your anger and you get in shape. When the small one is asleep or at preschool, I can go hit the bag for 30-40 mins and I’m good.
December 2nd, 2006 at 11:38 pm
ignore the creepy people. seriously. i gave money around the time of the whole diamond dealio and could care less what you spend it on, when i hit send, it was yours. i love that you buy food with it or toys or beer even. one less freaking thing for you to think about right now is how i see it.
that line about the rip being in you and the boys and those who loved her? omg. i cried. you hit the nail on the head with that paragraph. you really do have a way with words. i’m sure i’m not the first to say this, but you should write a book. seriously.
December 3rd, 2006 at 1:40 am
Hey AT, sorry about the asshole. Forget him (or her)–when we were first married and pregnant, we had no job, both in school, virtually no income, we were on welfare. We were given food stamps and medicaid, which was SUCH a blessing! But one thing I realized during those THREE years, the food stamps were spent on things we wanted–not just “the basics to help us survive”. Yes, we had bread, milk, and cheese. But guess what? We also had Coke, chips and salsa, cookies, and frozen pizzas. I always got irritated when people would give me that “look” in the checkout line as I tore out my little food stamp coupons–but screw ‘em! Just because we were broke and receiving assistance didn’t mean we had to grow accustomed to a lifestyle of canned beans, and neither should you or the boys!! (sorry, my little soapbox, can you tell??)
Have another beer and say cheers to JT as you pound it down! ENJOY.
December 3rd, 2006 at 7:19 am
I get hammered a lot where I work. I can’t make anybody happy at all. When I first started in my line of work, I’d get my feelings hurt because it was always like some of these asshats had to question my integrity. A few months ago, a Memphis blogger tore my ass up calling me stupid because of the blog.
I say that to say this. My mother taught me one great lesson when she said “It’s none of your business,Trace, what other people think about you, if they want to live in hate or bullshit, it’s their hate or bullshit to live in and it shouldn’t affect you at all.”
Great words. Even thought it’s hard, don’t let what some people say make you choke back your emotions. Have a beer. Buy your children a gift. You are living your life, they aren’t.
I really detest trolls.
December 3rd, 2006 at 7:19 am
I insist you go to Applebees and have some ribs with extra sauce, followed by a fudge brownie draped in hot fudge and ice cream.
December 3rd, 2006 at 8:31 am
JT must not have kids. If he did, he’d know that, broke or not, spending happens. You have kids - you spend money on them. Food, toys, gum to shut them up, lots of other stuff too. Its the nature of the beast!
December 3rd, 2006 at 8:40 am
I know that you and BJ never had too much, and had to pinch more often than not. I don’t have any idea how I would react in a situation like this, but I’m quite sure that cooking and looking after little things like that would be pretty distasteful. If you need to treat yourself and your boys to help in some little way to deal with this tragedy, then that’s exactly what we have donated money for. Our money was to help, and nobody but you knows the best way for us to help (which is why we sent money - so you could decide)
You handled that well, AT.
December 3rd, 2006 at 8:42 am
i tend to avoid people’s financial choices unless they are really close friends or family —- the type who gripe about not being able to afford food on the table while they spend boocoos on total crap. at that point i may make mention begrudgingly under my breath but not even to their face …. or to their blog. money is as personal as your sex life and you don’t go throwing around uninvited advice.i thought that was the protocall, at least. i would venture to say i know you better than JT, whoever the freak he is, and yet still i know so little about your situation that it never even crossed my mind that you should be spending more wisely. why would he come out of the woodwork to say that …. he must have issues. at least we can all have a good laugh at his rank foot hanging out of his mouth.
December 3rd, 2006 at 9:29 am
I hate money. Yeah it gets you things and you need it to like eat and stuff, but there are so many strings sometimes. There were many a hole/dent in the walls of my house growing up and they were all due to arguments between my parents about money. Other things too. I think when the daughter was sick we spent lots. Not just on medical bills but on things that just made things easier and things that were of comfort to us. I write this as I remember the $800 dollar recliner we bought because the child would not sleep because of her (not yet know) intestinal blockage. She would only sleep in your arms tilted upward — reflux. We also got extended cable =). Babies sleep a lot and that was a lot of time in that chair. The cats like scraching on it too. We had our nah sayers. My wife’s parents if I remember correctly. We had a similar responce — it was none of there business. Like I said eariler — everyone has advice and most of the time you do not have to even ask for it.
I think in a world were everything is “extreme and real” on TV and there are terrorists and identity theft people just don’t know what is real so they just ASSume that people are not what they are. Or it may be more simple than that — they are just out to stir the shit and heat it up a little. Sick’o(s).
December 3rd, 2006 at 10:27 am
Ahhh, anger. A lovely stage of grief. Congratulations on your arrival (she types sarcastically, wishing fervently that there was no grieving to be done). Nice job keeping it from exploding on the kids … very hard to do, that, but extremely loving towards them. Do find a place to put it, though, instead of your stomach. My husband takes his to empty, wide open areas filled with grass and trees and gives it to God with lots of yelling and swear words. Just giving it to the grass and trees may help as well. Better them than your large intestine.
Grieving is hard work.
You’re doing a good job with it.
(My Mom always told me this when I was grieving, and for some reason, it made me feel better, so I offer it to you. Seriously. You’re doing good work here. Keep it up, eh?)
December 3rd, 2006 at 12:22 pm
What the hell gives some complete know it all arsehole the right to criticise you or how yoou’re living your life on the frigging internet.
Scroo the lot of them.
Keep doing what you’re doing.
I’ve never met you but I’m damn proud of you!
December 3rd, 2006 at 12:29 pm
http://37days.typepad.com/37days/2006/11/forever_hold_yo.html#more
Thought of you when I came across it..if it shakes your shorts in anyway,cool, if not cool too….
Aside….so you had a couple a beers and took the boys for pizza, and bought ‘em a toy..one would think you had bought out Toys R Us and that you’d been eating steak and champagne every night based on JT’s question.There is no need to explain anything to anyone…once someone GIVES you something it is yours…. spend it, save it, frame it, stare at it, give it away…that’s why it was given..to do with it as you wish.
December 3rd, 2006 at 1:05 pm
If you and the boys need pizza, beer and toys today, buy the damn pizza, beer and toys. You do what you have to do to get through what are surely the hardest days of your life and you owe no one an explanation. No one knows better what the boys need and what you need on a day to day basis than you do. Nobody.
I have never lost spouse to death, but I did lose a beloved husband to divorce after 13 years together (since college together) and three children together. That first year after he left are all a blur. I remember them only in black and white - grey, really. I may have been slightly insane during that period. It was literally a matter of putting one foot in front of the other for a long time. You do what you have to do to get through to the other side. You do the best you can by the children when you yourself are hurting.
And I remember when the anger started to come. I am actually still sort of angry, but that first wave of grief-fueled anger was incredibly powerful and hard.
Getting through major grief and loss is a lot like giving birth. It hurts and it’s powerful and there’s no way to turn back once it’s started. You just keep moving forward and eventually, a new you will emerge on the other side.
December 3rd, 2006 at 2:12 pm
AT, I’m very concerned that you may be wearing your underware with a quarter inch turn to the left. I can’t believe that you would be so careless. You should set a better example for the underware wearing internets.
I figure that’s as much my biz as what you do with your money.
:)
December 3rd, 2006 at 2:35 pm
Crikey.
Pizza contains every friggin’ food group necessary for human subsistence. Beer is just a liquid. For someone to deny that, their ears would have to be closer to their ass than their shoulders.
Was it National Troll Week this past week? Seems like it. Had ‘em myself, all about as sharp as a sack of wet newspapers.
Best to you and the kids.
December 4th, 2006 at 11:28 am
I’m new here - I just started reading your blog a week ago when I read about it on another blog…….let me just say, I can’t even imagine what you’re going through, and you have my deepest sympathies. If you felt like using a few bucks to take your boys out for pizza and get them a toy, so be it. No one has the right to judge you right now. No one at all. I think you’re doing a grand job.
December 4th, 2006 at 12:18 pm
I donated to you, the money is yours to do as you see fit. I have 3 boys. I know how it is. If that means beer and pizza, I say go for it. I would like to send the boys something…..if you do not mind, please send me an address to mail it to. I assume you have my email when I sent in this reply, if not, I will get it to you.
Have a hug filled, pizza eatin, robot playin day!!
December 4th, 2006 at 9:25 pm
Buy what you want! If I donate money (and hopefully I’ll be able to soon, sorry, poor student here) I totally hope it goes towards beer.
December 4th, 2006 at 9:33 pm
Dude, Jem, don’t feel obligate to donate nothin. Donate a good time, man. Take the money out and get yourself some beer!