Atomictumor

Yes, I just woke up.  From a nap.  After getting up at 10 this morning.

Wanna make something of it?

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MastaG wants to come home.  BJ’s folks were seeing about angling to watch the boys for both nights this weekend, and I’d get them in the morning in time for Sumgurl’s kid’s birthday party tomorrow.  It does em some good to have the boys over, I reckon, but ol’ MastaG is homesick, so I’m going to pick them up in a bit.  It does me some good to have em home, although, I admit, the quiet is rather nice…

I miss the brats.

I’m liking our little threesome, but I’m not sure how to fill those empty spaces in the day.  Seems like Pigpen watches a movie, and G plays on the computer, and I do something else, which is essentially how it went when BJ was here, but just doesn’t seem right.  I guess thats something we’ll figure out.

I’m thinking today I’ll take them with me to the record store (a bad idea, assuredly), and then, if they haven’t driven me crazy, we’ll go out to eat somewhere.

That sounds good, but the reality of it is that they’ll both be kinda whiney from being up late two nights in a row, and I’ll have to take them home.

—

Along with the threesome, I’m also trying to figure out the relationship with BJs family.  Now, they read this, which is an odd thing to get used to, but I have a hard time speaking my mind around them, because, like my loving mother, I have a habit of saying things that people take the wrong way.  Woot for communication by internet proxy!

See, the whole time BJ and I have been together, we’ve been close to her family, but at arms distance.  We’d head over and see them once or twice a week.  BJ’s dad was always good about dropping everything to babysit the boys when we needed one (frequently, when BJ was in school) or lending us money (frequently, this year), but we wouldn’t often just head down to their house and relax.  I’d get bored, BJ would play on the computer, and the kids would watch TV.

I feel like, now, I should have a bigger part in the thing, but I don’t know how.  When I’m there, I really kinda get the urge to leave, because thats the way I always was.  I mean, yeah, stick around for an hour or two and talk to em, but when we run out of things to talk about, I’m not sure what to do.

I’m really not sure how to handle their grief.  They’re doing it in a very different way then I am, and I feel like I make them uncomfortable, because I’m pretty frank about the whole thing.  I’m probably just thinking that.

Point is, I just don’t know, and I love em.
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I’ve been reminding myself all day that BJ’s dead, and there hasn’t really been any grief.  I can still remember how her touch, and her presence felt, but its distant.  That doesn’t cause me grief either, just that ol’ longing, and something else that feels a little like the regret, without the guilt.  Maybe its just gret.  I don’t know.

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Alright, I’m outty.  Talk to you guys later.

This entry was posted on Saturday, December 2nd, 2006 at 3:15 pm and is filed under Kids, Family, Love, Life. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.