Atomictumor

Well, after an evening of picking up kids, heading to the bank, heading to pick up the death certificates, and heading to our Monday meal of Time-Out Deli (yum), here are what we have:

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Printed, on the death certificate, are the 4 causes, in order of immediacy, of BJ’s death.

4: Cerebral Infailltion and herniation
3: Diseminated Intravascular Coagulation
2: Septic Shock
1: Pyelonephritis

A UTI, which BJ mentioned a week or two before getting sick that she might have. I told her to make a doc’s appointment, and she said she wasn’t sure if it was a UTI or not, and mentioned something to the effect of “Its just a urinary tract infection”.

It went to her pelvis, which explains her google searches for “pelvic tenderness”. This was a week before she got sick.

Would taking her to the doc earlier have prevented this? Maybe. Does it matter? Not yet, although I’m sure I’ll start riding myself about it in months and years to come, when she’s still dead.

Great.

So, I notice that many of my recent links come from the hidden, dark, and underground world of MOMMY BLOGGING!

So, what does that make me? I’m not familar with very many examples of Daddy Bloggers, sure, Doug at Reality Me, and Zero Boss, at, well, Zero Boss are the two I come up with off the top of my head… but Mommy Blogging is so… darn… NOW.

So, is there a secret handshake, or just the uterus? Cuz… uh… I know where I can get a uterus by 3 o’clock…

I don’t feel like I have much of a post in me, but that old AT compulsion to put something on the intarweb is upon me, so I’m just going to let my fingers twitch and see what kind of stuff I purge my head of…

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Last night, I watched an episode of Metalocalypse which damn near traumatized me, the very end of the episode called Dethkids…

Damn.

Charlie’s in the trees, y’all.

Damn.

So then, I stayed up and read from 11-14 to 11-18 of last month’s posts.  Wow.

I’d forgotten how hopeful I was.  Even after BJ’s first strokes, and her eyes were disconjoined (another thing that wigged me out about the ending of that show, and just a genuinely terrifying thing to see ANYWAY), I had so much hope.

Its a lot easier now, knowing what the ending was, all the uncertainty gone, and knowing that BJ’s not going to wake up in pain, but, in a way, it was a lot easier then, because I could touch her.

I think one of the best decisions, and something that hit me (again, because of that damned cartoon) last night was the fact that she’s not in the ground.  I’d much prefer the quick flash of cremation to the slow ooze of being buried.  Not that it matters to BJ, but it matters to me, because I was a bigger fan of her body than she was.

Sometimes, I think about the flames hitting those parts, and it horrifies me for a second, but not for long.  Because dwelling on that would be morbid, and then I’d have to paint my fingernails black and listen to the Cure.  Nobody wants that.

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Jesus, fingers, what the hell are you doing to me?  Now everybodys going to be watching me out of the corner of their eyes, afraid that I’m going to start setting animals on fire or something…

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I got a phone call earlier this morning, and against my nature, answered it.  The funeral home called last Friday, and I never got back to them, so I figured it might have been them.

It wasn’t

It was the pastor from the Unitarian church.

Man, seriously, I don’t understand the urge for church people to talk about churchy things.  I really don’t.  I mean, I enjoy theological discussion with Bos, and Damama, and a few other people, but sharing that kinda stuff with strangers at a church seems backwards to me.  I guess I just don’t get the organization in organized religion.  I mean, I get it as far as charitable works (I stuck more money than seems sensible to my cheap ass in the donation basket yesterday, they were sharing it with the program Oak Ridge has to keep the electricity on for broke people) and I get it as far as the whole forgive your neighbor, golden rule stuff, but I don’t understand the urge to be social with it.

Maybe thats just my antisocial nature blowing through.

Anyway, I told him thanks for calling, and he got off the phone.  I’m sure he means well for calling, I’m just not sure where that conversation was supposed to go?

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Been busy today with the whole work thing.  I’m paranoid about job security, but at the same time, I’ve never cared less about job security.  Its an interesting catch 22.  I feel grateful to the bosses and stuff for being gracious with letting me work at home, and work goofy hours, but I’m feeling a little bit of pressure to conform to a schedule, and I’m having a hard time.  I don’t even think the pressure is coming from the bosses, more from me, but I don’t really want to.

Truth is, I don’t know if I can pull 40 hour weeks anytime soon.  I need to, just because I need all the money I can get, but I really, really, really don’t WANT to.  I’d love to get that magical grant and go to school,  just start a completely new thing, quit the old job, and start the new one.  I’d get sick of it, tho, and end up missing the old job.

Sigh.

I think thats a lot of the car thing.  I really don’t NEED new cars.  The Volvo gets me around town nicely (and in style, I might add), and the van is great for hauling things, and for long distance trips.  Sure, I’m kinda taking a bath on it with payments, but its affordable now, and we’ve been doing it for years anyway.

I just want a change.  I want the outside of my life to reflect the change that the inside of my life has had.