December 4th, 2006 by Atomictumor
I don’t feel like I have much of a post in me, but that old AT compulsion to put something on the intarweb is upon me, so I’m just going to let my fingers twitch and see what kind of stuff I purge my head of…
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Last night, I watched an episode of Metalocalypse which damn near traumatized me, the very end of the episode called Dethkids…
Damn.
Charlie’s in the trees, y’all.
Damn.
So then, I stayed up and read from 11-14 to 11-18 of last month’s posts. Wow.
I’d forgotten how hopeful I was. Even after BJ’s first strokes, and her eyes were disconjoined (another thing that wigged me out about the ending of that show, and just a genuinely terrifying thing to see ANYWAY), I had so much hope.
Its a lot easier now, knowing what the ending was, all the uncertainty gone, and knowing that BJ’s not going to wake up in pain, but, in a way, it was a lot easier then, because I could touch her.
I think one of the best decisions, and something that hit me (again, because of that damned cartoon) last night was the fact that she’s not in the ground. I’d much prefer the quick flash of cremation to the slow ooze of being buried. Not that it matters to BJ, but it matters to me, because I was a bigger fan of her body than she was.
Sometimes, I think about the flames hitting those parts, and it horrifies me for a second, but not for long. Because dwelling on that would be morbid, and then I’d have to paint my fingernails black and listen to the Cure. Nobody wants that.
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Jesus, fingers, what the hell are you doing to me? Now everybodys going to be watching me out of the corner of their eyes, afraid that I’m going to start setting animals on fire or something…
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I got a phone call earlier this morning, and against my nature, answered it. The funeral home called last Friday, and I never got back to them, so I figured it might have been them.
It wasn’t
It was the pastor from the Unitarian church.
Man, seriously, I don’t understand the urge for church people to talk about churchy things. I really don’t. I mean, I enjoy theological discussion with Bos, and Damama, and a few other people, but sharing that kinda stuff with strangers at a church seems backwards to me. I guess I just don’t get the organization in organized religion. I mean, I get it as far as charitable works (I stuck more money than seems sensible to my cheap ass in the donation basket yesterday, they were sharing it with the program Oak Ridge has to keep the electricity on for broke people) and I get it as far as the whole forgive your neighbor, golden rule stuff, but I don’t understand the urge to be social with it.
Maybe thats just my antisocial nature blowing through.
Anyway, I told him thanks for calling, and he got off the phone. I’m sure he means well for calling, I’m just not sure where that conversation was supposed to go?
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Been busy today with the whole work thing. I’m paranoid about job security, but at the same time, I’ve never cared less about job security. Its an interesting catch 22. I feel grateful to the bosses and stuff for being gracious with letting me work at home, and work goofy hours, but I’m feeling a little bit of pressure to conform to a schedule, and I’m having a hard time. I don’t even think the pressure is coming from the bosses, more from me, but I don’t really want to.
Truth is, I don’t know if I can pull 40 hour weeks anytime soon. I need to, just because I need all the money I can get, but I really, really, really don’t WANT to. I’d love to get that magical grant and go to school, just start a completely new thing, quit the old job, and start the new one. I’d get sick of it, tho, and end up missing the old job.
Sigh.
I think thats a lot of the car thing. I really don’t NEED new cars. The Volvo gets me around town nicely (and in style, I might add), and the van is great for hauling things, and for long distance trips. Sure, I’m kinda taking a bath on it with payments, but its affordable now, and we’ve been doing it for years anyway.
I just want a change. I want the outside of my life to reflect the change that the inside of my life has had.
December 4th, 2006 at 12:21 pm
I saw that ep of Metalocalypse, too but I’m still stuck with the picture of Assey McGee. What the hell is up with that?!
December 4th, 2006 at 12:42 pm
You know, one thought might be to talk to the folks you already work for and see if they’d be willing to cover tuition if you started back to school while continuing to work for them. Maybe check into a distance education thing… somebody in TN is already offering a CS degree online (but I don’t remember who). Some employers do this, though not all.
Like telecommuting, distance learning would be one way to do it without taking time from the boys. But, like working from home, it does require that you set some sort of schedule (or at least time requirement) for yourself and maintain the discipline to actually do it. Once you’re used to it, you’ll wonder how in the world anyone ever puts up with going to a place to work instead of just working wherever you happen to be.
Hang in there, just keep being yourself. It’ll all work out.
December 4th, 2006 at 12:54 pm
Ditch. The. Van.
You don’t need to haul things on a regular basis, and when you do you can bum the ‘Nox off Damama. The car payments on your crapper van simply do not add up to the amount of use you will get out of it.
December 4th, 2006 at 1:53 pm
I just started working from home about 6 months ago, and so far I’m, um, pretty much a DISASTER at it. The discipline thing is a real problem for me, and my natural tendency toward procrastination is magnified by my particular job, which has few day-to-day demands, but rather a big deadline every few weeks or months. Very dangerous. I end up la-la-la-ing for six weeks and then driving myself into the ground for two. My partner works from home as well, and he spent most of a summer playing on the internet and sleeping in before he sorta got the hang of it. Long story short, I’d say it’s definitely a steep learning curve for most of us.
December 4th, 2006 at 2:48 pm
It does take a conscious effort, and it isn’t for everyone. For the first couple of years, my trick was to get up and dress as though I were going to the office, and to work from a room set up as an office (and nothing else) at the designated time when I would have otherwise arrived at the office. After several years, I found that I could actually accomplish more working in the early morning hours (frequently about 4:30 a.m. or so), and that I could work in my pajamas and still be productive.
Another help is to schedule meetings from time to time, so that you have a deadline for showing progress on something. And, keep lists, checking off milestones as you meet them.
December 4th, 2006 at 2:51 pm
Just a thought re the Unitarian Church. They aren’t your normal Christian church, in fact many members are athiest or agnostic. Your views on religion might meld quite nicely with them. They don’t follow any specific religious dogma, and use all the religions of the world as tools, there is no right/wrong “goin’ to hell” theory.
Take care, Kelly
December 4th, 2006 at 4:17 pm
Have you seen the movie What the Bleep Do We Know? I’d highly recommend it.
Many of us (myself included) find that when we choose to seriously live out of what we believe, and when what we believe is about community, caring for the other guy, etc., we find it helpful to do it with people of like mind. Kind of the same reason people get together at knitting clubs, jam sessions, study groups. That it’s turned into a big organized rule-oriented thing in the mainstream churches doesn’t stop people like me from getting real psycho/social/spiritual support from gathering with others to pray or ponder. Besides, the music is lovely at my church!
December 4th, 2006 at 5:02 pm
write another post, write another post.
:)
December 4th, 2006 at 5:16 pm
I think you might be a bit biased, Aunt Nun.
December 5th, 2006 at 6:43 am
This is the very mildest of mild thoughts, totally discounted no doubt by the fact that I am at risk of becoming a professional student… but I just wanted to put it out there. Is there any way you could sell a car instead of buying one, and use that and the insurance money to buy yourself some free time to finish school? I mean, it’s a risk. You’d have to be able to pretty much guarantee that with the degree you could get a better job than the one you have now (i.e., a kinda practical degree might be better). Maybe it seems silly, but I just thought I’d try saying it.
December 5th, 2006 at 9:26 am
That thought crossed my mind, but its more risk than I’m willing to take on, really. Que sera sera
December 5th, 2006 at 11:23 am
Give the UU’s a try; they’re a good group and it is an excellent place to explore and develop your own theology.
December 5th, 2006 at 5:54 pm
I’d be skeptical of a church that has no absolutes in their teachings. After all, there is not much left in this world that you can absolutely be sure of, except God. If you believe that the bible ( a regular bible) a King James or a translation of KIng James(The Message is very easy to read) “is” God’s holy word, then read it, ask God to help you understand it, and then decide what you believe. Don’t let “people” make up your mind, or sway you into believing in “nothing”, let God lead you : ask Him and He will :)
December 6th, 2006 at 7:39 am
Yeah AT, I can understand the thing about risk. I know it’s different for me, not having a family to worry about (yet), and when/if I do, my perspective on perpetual studenthood will probably change.