Atomictumor

So, this morning, I logged into work, but was getting more and more irritated at the whole thing.

I woke the kids up, and found myself irritated at MastaG’s whining about going to school.

I drove the boys to school, and found myself irritated about the freakin traffic.

I went back to work, and started cussing.

I went on break, took a shower, and found, for the 4th day in a row, that I had no towels in the bathroom.  I screamed, yelled, and kicked the tub.  My toe stopped hurting an hour or so ago.  I logged back into work, found that my phone client didn’t work, got pissed, and decided that I’d take the day off.  I emailed the bosses, told them that I can’t function with the public today, requested the week before Christmas off, and next Wednesday off to see Pigpen’s class sing songs in the morning.

I don’t really care, today.  I’ve been trying to, but I don’t.

—

So I answered all sorts of questions in emails and stuff about what I talked about last night, regarding shuttering the ‘tumor.  Here are the answers:

1. It seems about right, at this point.  My thinking, in the past few weeks, is that this isn’t helping anymore.  I love the positivity, and the support, of those in the comments and stuff, and it still means the world that you’re thinking about us, but I want to withdraw.  Just for a little while.
2. Well, I guess thats the only answer.
3. OK, I’m not good with compliments, support, assistance, any of that kinda stuff.  I’ve always been an introvert, just a very extroverted one.  BJ was the only person that I felt alone with, and I love that kinda aloneness.  Even now, in an empty house, I like being by myself.  I just wish I was by myself with her.
   Point is, normally I shy away from situations where people give me praise.  I don’t know how to handle it, and its weird to admit, because it sounds vain, or presumptuous, or just kinda assholish, but I’d like to turn it off for a bit.

I’m not going to close it.  I’m going to keep a cute little page, maybe random images, or things that I’ll change every few days.  It’ll be a surprise.  It’ll be very me.

I figure I’ll be gone for a few weeks, thats all.  The ‘tumor has become a huge part of my life, in the past year, because it exercises my geeky sensibilities, what with the technical stuff, and my writey sensibilities, what with the, well, writey stuff.  I like it very much, and I’m going to miss it when I’m not doing it, but I think it’ll be good to turn that part of the world off for a while.

I’ll still have email, anything you send with @atomictumor.com will get right to me.

—

I logged out of work, ate an orange (bought more this morning, they were smallish and very tart), and drank some coffee.  Then I decided to watch The Office.  BJ and I were really getting into the show over the past couple of months, we had downloaded all of the eps, and I was saving the new ones for when she got better.  I loved the relation between Pam and that whatshisname guy, Jim?  The easygoing, bantering nature reminded me of home.

Anyway, I’ve been watching that this morning, and laughing.  My anger is gone.  I cleaned up, and put those big ass’d tupperware boxes of her clothes in the van to take to her parents house.

Then I paused the shows, and went for a bike ride.  I went as far as I thought I could possibly go without my body giving out, and then I started back.  Two minutes later, I was back at the house, barely able to walk, fixed myself some of that leftover chinese food, sat down to watch the rest (finally got to the new ones.  The episode on right now was aired the first week she was in the hospital.) of the shows, and type this.