December 7th, 2006 by Atomictumor
So, this morning, I logged into work, but was getting more and more irritated at the whole thing.
I woke the kids up, and found myself irritated at MastaG’s whining about going to school.
I drove the boys to school, and found myself irritated about the freakin traffic.
I went back to work, and started cussing.
I went on break, took a shower, and found, for the 4th day in a row, that I had no towels in the bathroom. I screamed, yelled, and kicked the tub. My toe stopped hurting an hour or so ago. I logged back into work, found that my phone client didn’t work, got pissed, and decided that I’d take the day off. I emailed the bosses, told them that I can’t function with the public today, requested the week before Christmas off, and next Wednesday off to see Pigpen’s class sing songs in the morning.
I don’t really care, today. I’ve been trying to, but I don’t.
—
So I answered all sorts of questions in emails and stuff about what I talked about last night, regarding shuttering the ‘tumor. Here are the answers:
- It seems about right, at this point. My thinking, in the past few weeks, is that this isn’t helping anymore. I love the positivity, and the support, of those in the comments and stuff, and it still means the world that you’re thinking about us, but I want to withdraw. Just for a little while.
- Well, I guess thats the only answer.
- OK, I’m not good with compliments, support, assistance, any of that kinda stuff. I’ve always been an introvert, just a very extroverted one. BJ was the only person that I felt alone with, and I love that kinda aloneness. Even now, in an empty house, I like being by myself. I just wish I was by myself with her.
Point is, normally I shy away from situations where people give me praise. I don’t know how to handle it, and its weird to admit, because it sounds vain, or presumptuous, or just kinda assholish, but I’d like to turn it off for a bit.
I’m not going to close it. I’m going to keep a cute little page, maybe random images, or things that I’ll change every few days. It’ll be a surprise. It’ll be very me.
I figure I’ll be gone for a few weeks, thats all. The ‘tumor has become a huge part of my life, in the past year, because it exercises my geeky sensibilities, what with the technical stuff, and my writey sensibilities, what with the, well, writey stuff. I like it very much, and I’m going to miss it when I’m not doing it, but I think it’ll be good to turn that part of the world off for a while.
I’ll still have email, anything you send with @atomictumor.com will get right to me.
—
I logged out of work, ate an orange (bought more this morning, they were smallish and very tart), and drank some coffee. Then I decided to watch The Office. BJ and I were really getting into the show over the past couple of months, we had downloaded all of the eps, and I was saving the new ones for when she got better. I loved the relation between Pam and that whatshisname guy, Jim? The easygoing, bantering nature reminded me of home.
Anyway, I’ve been watching that this morning, and laughing. My anger is gone. I cleaned up, and put those big ass’d tupperware boxes of her clothes in the van to take to her parents house.
Then I paused the shows, and went for a bike ride. I went as far as I thought I could possibly go without my body giving out, and then I started back. Two minutes later, I was back at the house, barely able to walk, fixed myself some of that leftover chinese food, sat down to watch the rest (finally got to the new ones. The episode on right now was aired the first week she was in the hospital.) of the shows, and type this.
December 7th, 2006 at 11:42 am
I’m new to your situation, and have felt just a whiff of the Overwhelm of it. Just to say, don’t blog for the audience, blog for yourself and for your sanity. The rollercoaster will go up and down; wave only when you want to. May the ride end in something creative, not destructive.
December 7th, 2006 at 11:51 am
If you do decide to take a break, us good peoples will still be here when you get back.
December 7th, 2006 at 11:58 am
Grandma and Uncle Phil like your writing a lot. They suggest that you should look into doing it as a profession and get out of tech support. I think your style would nicely suit a daily or weekly column in a local paper, or bigger than local if you can.
December 7th, 2006 at 12:21 pm
;)
December 7th, 2006 at 12:39 pm
why do we all get a kick about knowing your every move?
December 7th, 2006 at 12:47 pm
2 minutes later?! I’m impressed.
December 7th, 2006 at 1:04 pm
you can ride your bike twice as far as me. You’re practically Lance Armstrong in comparison.
December 7th, 2006 at 1:06 pm
Where do you guys download tv shows from? For some reason I can never find them downloadable.
December 7th, 2006 at 1:35 pm
My tough love: Don’t quit the tumor because it’s hard or boring or irritating or reminds you of something or “isn’t you” anymore or whatever.
If you don’t want to write, don’t write. But if you take it down, it will be much harder to put back up than you realize. And, chances are, it may never come back.
December 7th, 2006 at 1:40 pm
Just wanted to say hi, let you know that I was thinking about you all. I can totally understand the whole need for a break thing. It’s what you need to do for you so that’s what you should do. We’ll be here for you if and when you need us.
December 7th, 2006 at 1:55 pm
1. Do what you need to do. Absolutely.
2. Maybe you could just cut back a little? Like write every couple of days instead of multiple times per day? And I hope you won’t take it down at all - I really like going through the archives and getting to know y’all a bit better.
December 7th, 2006 at 2:29 pm
Run Wild, Run Free Grasshopper!
Also, Run Silent, Run Deep
December 7th, 2006 at 2:46 pm
Hey, whatever floats your boat. That’s what the support is about….whatever you need. Like jonathan said most of us will still be here when you next see fit to entertain us or if you just decide you need praise.
December 7th, 2006 at 2:58 pm
Here is one reason I read your blog. It is my observation and I think comes from a different perspective than you, your friends, or your family might see it. I am reading an indepth account of perseverance under difficult circumstances. The mundane meets the impossible to believe and somehow makes it through the day. You are showing the world the inner workings of a man who seems to appear to be quite different on the surface than the person you reveal by your writing. You have a story to tell and I would hate for you to stop telling. That said, I can relate to the run and hide feelings. Moats and drawbridges are on my list for custom house design. So, no hugs and compliments from me, just the truth for what its worth.
December 7th, 2006 at 4:10 pm
I like what the poster above said. Honestly, your blog gives me hope that I too could survive such a tragedy. (I have survived deaths of many loved ones in my immediately family, but never my spouse.) Your perserverance - and your honesty - is remarkable. J
December 7th, 2006 at 5:34 pm
only blog for yourself. If you do, you’ll have an audience. if you don’t blog, there will still be plenty of people checking in, myself included. do what ya need to do.
the office–it always lightens up a situation and makes me laugh. Tom and I watch it together, its pretty much the only show we bot like.
December 7th, 2006 at 5:35 pm
Take a break. I like your writing style, so I hope to see you back, but I get it. I am a lot the same way. Social interaction tires me out.
That’s why I am terrible about returning comments on my own blog. It’s just exhausting to maintain dialogue.
December 7th, 2006 at 5:51 pm
You do what is best for you. It is hard to make that decision, but that is yours to make. We will always be here for whenever you decide to come back. Get well for yourself and your kiddies.
December 7th, 2006 at 6:21 pm
Its your call, dude. Its your space. That’s all that matters.
December 7th, 2006 at 6:24 pm
I’m with Robbin — I suck at following up with comments on my blog. I like to hang out with people, but I don’t necessarily want to talk with them. That’s why I like my family so much — they love me even when I’m surly…
Stay in touch, AT. Let me know if you’re coming through town and have a few minutes. I’ll fix you a beverage (hot or cold) and we can stare silently into our respective mugs.
December 7th, 2006 at 6:54 pm
I’ll miss reading yout thoughts, but maybe this (taking a break) is exactly what you need. Live your life out of the spotlight for awhile, and ponder how Jake “feels”, without instant feedback. I know this site has had to have been very theraputic for you, but maybe it’s lost it’s purpose at this point in your life. I do hope you come back eventually though, you are a very interesting guy. Take care of you and your boys. Remember : God loves you :)
December 7th, 2006 at 7:55 pm
Hey Mr. AT.
I’m not going to lie; I’m really going to miss you, and miss the blog. But I’m so glad you’re doing what you need to do. All the best, and I hope we’ll hear from you as soon as you can.
Thanks for everything.
hannah
December 7th, 2006 at 8:09 pm
Don’t say you’re not going to write, just write when you feel like it, and not because you feel obligated to keep us informed. Whatever you decide, just take care of yourself and your boys.
December 7th, 2006 at 8:23 pm
I can relate to the wanting to be alone thing. I do not feel like I am able to do that — ever. I get peopled out and just have nothing to say to anyone and the expectation of having to say something makes me mad. It is stupid sounding and everyone accuses me of being depressed — like if left to my own devices I would find some way to end my life. That is really not the case. I usually need to go away for a while to keep from ending my life — they got it all backwards. =)
December 7th, 2006 at 9:05 pm
thinking of you, no matter what you decide to do.
December 7th, 2006 at 10:15 pm
If it brings you peace … do it.
December 7th, 2006 at 11:22 pm
AT, for whatever it’s worth, I think a break from this gadget would be very good for you. I think you’ll be amazed at what you will learn about yourself since BJ’s death in terms of not feeling the need to air it and making sure it’s just right. If that makes sense…??? it does to me anyway! in other words, you’ll do a bit of soul searching without the world butting in!! I personally think you’ll sort out a whole lot and even maybe deal w/ some repressed emo! but hey - who am I to say??? right? just another one of the opinions in the cyberworld. But I think it would do you a world of good! Good luck - we’ll see ya when ya get back ; ) Les
December 8th, 2006 at 12:21 am
Do what feels good… n stuff. :)
December 8th, 2006 at 1:11 pm
Whew! What a relief. I thought I was going to have to stop procrastinating and start my own blog. Thanks for sparing the world, you are a good man.