December 12th, 2006 by Atomictumor
After a day or so of work, I’ve got the ‘tumor shiny, happy, and new. The shoutbox is open for everybody to ride on, I have installed a tilt-a-whirl, and you can leave comments! Woot for comments!
OK, this is the deal regarding last week.
I needed that.
See, the ‘tumor has been a large part of my life. Its been my outlet since before most of you came here, and its been the monkey on my back for almost as long. I love the website. I love having a ‘blog’, although dammit, I hate that word.
However, this whole thing got the better of me, and I had to take it down.
I’ve been talking for a month or two about the changes that I expect my life to go through, and I think one of the only ways to effect change like we’re talking about is to rip down parts of your life that don’t work anymore, and put up new ones. That might be part of my talk about moving, although I’d sure miss this house.
I like this house. It, like the website, are something that BJ and I designed together.
Damn elusive point…
—
MAN, it is good to have easy posting of my ramblings again! HTML is fun, but DAMN its a lot of work… I’d spend 5 times as long writing than I would making sure everything works! At least it gave me a chance to hone my geekery.
—
So, here is my official stance on the organ donation thing, and then I don’t want to talk about it ever ever again.
I was wrong. I knew it when I wrote that post, and I know it now, and I’m sorry. I really am. Those of you that called me out on it were right. You were also pretty tactless (most of you), because you should have known that theres going to be times where I post something so raw and angry and emotional that it will take you aback. I’d love to say thats the last time, but I know it won’t be. This thing sucks, folks. It sucks more and more every day, BUT, at the same time, every day I’m more and more hopeful. The dread of life alone is subsiding, it comes back every once in a while, but the high water mark (hopefully) was hit Friday.
Anyway, point is, I’m sorry. I’m intellectually very happy that 3 fathers, just like me, have been saved from the organ donation list. What I didn’t mention, in my anger, is that all three of them had been waiting a year. You can’t wait a year for an organ, have it transplanted successfully, with meaningful change (the note said the kidney guys were off dialysis, and the liver guy was doing well) and be anything less than grateful.
Gratitude isn’t what I want, tho, because it wasn’t really my decision. I mean, it was, ultimately, but I did what BJ would have had me do. That, and I wasn’t going to use em.
So, water under the bridge and all that.
Except for this…
I shut off comments because I didn’t feel that I needed people getting onto me. Lots of people, who haven’t had this happen, are offering what seems helpful to them, but really isn’t. I’m tickled pink that people care for me, I really am, but sometimes its better just to say “Dude, I care” or something, rather than give a bunch of suggestions.
Jesus, I just read that, and I sound like such a douche. OK, comment away, but if I don’t like it, I might change your name to something like “Rodney Dimplebottom” or “One-Eyed Jack”.
Damn, its good to be back!
December 12th, 2006 at 10:24 pm
I’m glad you’re back AT.
December 12th, 2006 at 10:27 pm
A blogger blogs…always.
December 12th, 2006 at 10:36 pm
NOOOO blog. Write, ramble, gurgitate… no blog. Uggg. I hate that word.
December 12th, 2006 at 10:40 pm
Uhh… bugs?
December 12th, 2006 at 10:42 pm
test
December 12th, 2006 at 10:42 pm
I’m glad you,re back!
December 12th, 2006 at 10:42 pm
OK, I think we’re good now…
December 12th, 2006 at 10:46 pm
I’m glad you’re back.
December 12th, 2006 at 11:11 pm
I’m going to stare at the swirly thing for 45 seconds and then look at my wall. All the mysteries of the universe will then be unlocked.
-or- I’ll see a swirly thing on my wall. And really, isn’t that what we all want anyway?
All the best,
Rodney Dimplebottom
December 12th, 2006 at 11:20 pm
cue sappy music:
Dude, I care …
(okay, so I couldn’t even type that with a straight face. Do you ever get that not so fresh feeling?)
December 12th, 2006 at 11:25 pm
Dear Douche,
Your writing is so honest that you’ve made us care. We do. How are the boys?
December 12th, 2006 at 11:38 pm
Good question. Boys are fine. MastaG is difficult to read, he acts like normal. Pigpen is obstinate, which is normal.
December 12th, 2006 at 11:56 pm
Welcome back! I hate the world “blog” too, and I also hate html, which is ironic, since I code for a living (supposedly, anyway). Wait… I take that back… I hate CSS… no, that’s not it either… wait for it… yeah… here it comes… what really I hate is Internet Explorer. I hate IE with the burning hot passion of a thousand suns, actually. It is sucks.
What was I saying? Oh, yeah — welcome back.
December 13th, 2006 at 12:09 am
It’s great to see the ‘tumor back!
As always, I send my very best to you and the boys.
December 13th, 2006 at 12:12 am
AT! So glad you’re back! Don’t let the bast’ds get ya down! (Your Shout box still hates me. I’VE BEEN SHUNNED!!!!)
December 13th, 2006 at 1:52 am
Hi AT. Nice new format! (I don’t like how it killed my whole long comment when I accidentally forgot to fill in my name before submitting, but oh well. Rewriting is part of the game I guess.) Missed the infamous post until now because of the time difference. Funny and not, all at once. Sometimes life just seems like one big misunderstanding.
I respect your wishes about suggestion-giving, and will try to curb my natural tendencies in that regard. You have to realize that I’m a problem-solver both by nature and profession, so it’s not always easy! And there has got to be some value in an outside point of view now that then. No? Well, no matter. I will try to blather less, and if I get out of line you can change my name to Meddlesome Meddler. :) Cheers!
December 13th, 2006 at 2:42 am
Glad you’re “back” with a new format. The previous format was freaking me out. And I’m glad you’re continuing with your blog. If you hadn’t I would have worried about you.
I applaud your venting and honor your feelings, whatever they are at the moment.
From another grieving soul.
December 13th, 2006 at 3:40 am
Good to see you back, AT.
And yeah, I blogged in HTML for nine years before finally making the jump to modern blogging world. I do kinda miss the ability to control every single thing about the output and view, but on the other hand, jeez, ALL those hours, talk about time-consuming.
December 13th, 2006 at 5:50 am
{sigh} good job, jake.
December 13th, 2006 at 6:49 am
If I say something to piss you off PLEASE don’t call me Rodney Dimplebottom. Might I suggest….
Skinny McBigBoobs!
December 13th, 2006 at 6:49 am
“blog” bugs me a bit too because I’m in the business of making websites and a blog is nothing more than a website updated regularly. It is a content management system. I am working on a quote for a potential client right now and their “website” is begging for Mambo, Drupal, or Wordpress as the least expensive solution (as opposed to custom programming).
However, the Throw Mama from a Train reference had to be done.
December 13th, 2006 at 6:53 am
Welcome back… Great post, great point… Blog on!
Signed way too many dimples on my bottom.
December 13th, 2006 at 6:54 am
Doug, you need to be in the business of making ‘quality’ websites.
It looks fancier.
December 13th, 2006 at 7:26 am
I think this new design is beoooooooooooootiful!!! With PINK! Yummy.
December 13th, 2006 at 7:41 am
*waving*
Good to see you back, even though you weren’t really gone.
December 13th, 2006 at 7:44 am
Thanks for putting the Tumor back up AT. I was getting in trouble everywhere else.
December 13th, 2006 at 7:55 am
My clients don’t pay enough for “quality” websites…wait a minute…my clients don’t pay at all…
Doug - “Making quality websites so you don’t have to” (Thanks Ze!)
December 13th, 2006 at 8:34 am
I am so glad to have you back! Take care.
December 13th, 2006 at 8:59 am
I’m glad you are back. You know what, as my baby’s favorite book says, “You can’t go over it, you can’t go under it, you can’t go around it, you have to go through it.” Trite, but true. So you have to feel and say whatever you need to, in order to get back to some nearness of your “old” self.
I just like to see how you’re doing.
Take care.
December 13th, 2006 at 9:20 am
djuggler: although I don’t like the word “blog” either, I disagree with you that it’s “nothing more than a website updated regularly”. It has begun to have a secondary meaning as a literary genre distinct in various ways from both diary and dialogue genres. I wish it had a better name, but I still think a purely technical description misses what’s important about the phenomenon.
December 13th, 2006 at 9:24 am
I apparently missed whatever it is you are semi-sorry for, but whatever you feel, say, or do is fine right now. I’ve learned to never say never. Until the voicer of criticism has gone through EXACTLY the same thing, no comment is best. I’ve never lost a spouse and would not presume to give any advice, criticism etc to someone who has. Everyone does the best they can under the circumstances.
December 13th, 2006 at 9:28 am
LOL Dude, I care. ;) Glad you are back, but you were just as good in HTML. :) It is a damn lot of work tho, huh?
December 13th, 2006 at 9:30 am
Glad the site is back. Missed the updates.
December 13th, 2006 at 9:41 am
This bright places makes my day!
December 13th, 2006 at 11:32 am
Glad you’re up and running again, AT.
I’d have been pissed about getting the letter, too. There have been days this past year when the only thing that got me through was knowing that my dear friend’s heart went to a pregnant mum.
I’m glad the boys are doing alright. Enjoy Pigpen’s singing. Hope he rocks out!
December 13th, 2006 at 11:44 am
I’m glad your back.
I missed the controversy and was burning with curiosity. I just got myself updated and have to say that I probably would have had the same response — “I don’t want to hear it. I doesn’t make me feel better. This sucks! ARGH!”
Love the new skin.
December 13th, 2006 at 11:58 am
Although I was enjoying the old skool HTML (it was kinda fun checking to see what would turn up next), I’m still glad to see you letting others in. Just remember that it’s always ok to take a break from it now and then. Or not. :)
December 13th, 2006 at 12:51 pm
AT, I have been reading your ah hem page (LOL) for a while and wanted to say I would have thought the same thing about the donor crap but hey…you have a right to say/feel whatever you want.
I never could comment on your old website so lets see if I can on this one! I’m sure you were wondering who this guest was!
Now I am hitting submit…wonder if it will post!
December 13th, 2006 at 5:03 pm
I actually went a little nutso when I saw you were gone last week. Might have been a little to dramatic myself there for a minute….I was thinking of you when I was listening to Art Bell the other night and he was talking about his wife who had died really unexpectantly, Ever heard of him? He’s bizare but cool. Anyways, so long rambling post from some stranger in CA , glad, very happy to see your words again.
December 13th, 2006 at 5:36 pm
Great to have you back, AT.
December 13th, 2006 at 6:12 pm
So glad ur back AT.Site looks good.Always in my prayers.
December 14th, 2006 at 12:27 pm
Ya know, I think about you and the little guys a lot. You don’t know me, but it is pretty excruciating to watch you go through this. I lost my dad about five years ago to leukemia, and knowing a.) there was nothing I could do about it, b.) that he was dying young, and c.) that it was completely fucking up the rest of my life was pretty crippling for, well, a long time. Much longer than I would have wanted it to be. Which isn’t to say it didn’t eventually get better, but it was a much less linear, and much more messy process, than I would have predicted.
Yell. Get mad. Jump up and down. Go out in the shed and throw bottles. Get a mohawk. Start smoking. The good news is that you get a free pass for a while, because some really unbelievable shit has happened to you and you just need to get through it, by pretty much whatever means are necessary.
You can yell at us. We’ll understand. I will, anyway.
December 14th, 2006 at 1:27 pm
Well, thats the thing, I don’t really have a free pass. I gotta be a good Dad for the only childhood that MastaG and Pigpen get.
I don’t mind that, tho.
December 14th, 2006 at 2:45 pm
at the risk of sounding repetative…I’m glad you’re back. And bravo for being an excellent Dad to your boys, I read you everyday and with all that you’ve been through, the fact that you are there for them shines through everything. They are blessed to have you.
December 14th, 2006 at 5:14 pm
I’m glad you’re still here, and still honest. The new layout looks great.
December 16th, 2006 at 2:00 am
Well, I guess I meant you get a free pass within reason. You’re right about the little guys, of course.
You know, I realize this is probably utterly the wrong thing to say, but there is one good thing here: They didn’t lose both parents, and you’re obviously one hell of a dad.
December 16th, 2006 at 10:43 am
Dude, theres all sorts of good here. I’d rather this than have them keep a vegatative mom, or a mom who hated life without hands or feet.