Atomictumor

What would we be doing now?

I’ve never cried this hard.  It is a torrent.  I love her so much.

I miss her.  I want her so badly.

My little BJ.

Nodbob showed up around noon today, and we’re watching an Opus Christmas special right now.  I’ve always dug on Bloom County, but not so the much on Outland and whatever the hell today’s Opus strip is.  I like the inclusion of the children in the original strips, I guess.  Binkley and Milo and what not.

Anyway, today’s been alright.  There was a moment earlier today when that bittersweet, overwhelming sadness hit me, while I was folding clothes.  That song from yesterday seems to be the catalyst, it was running through my head, about the memories of love gone.

The sadness is beautiful.  Its a tribute to BJ, I feel.  It hurts, but I’ve never had a problem with pain, and she is certainly in a better place now, as I’ve felt her presence so many times, a presence too sublime and indefinably her to be my imagination.  It doesn’t make it any easier to have her, but now I see the sadness.

Growing up, I would imagine this kind of sadness, in remembering the sweet times.  Remembering the little moments that things were, and aren’t anymore.  I’d think of that, when I’d ponder the loss of loved ones, as I’d do from time to time.  That seems to be the scope of my sadness right now, it seems to be thinking of the sweetness in her.  Her smile (she’d get dimples), her wiggles, her voice.  The way she picked up a little southern twang when she was angry, and how it’d irritate her when I brought it up (sometimes I couldn’t help but smiling at how cute it was, even when I was in the midst of her wrath).

I think of the scar on her foot, that she got years and years before my time, at a water park.  I think of her tiny smile dimples.

I think of her children, growing up with her memory.

I smile, at her sweetness, her gift of herself, and how I was lucky enough to have had the sense to purposefully cherish every single moment.

Thats the sadness, and it is beautiful.

AT,

You are not to be trusted with important business decisions, first thing in the morning, in your state.

Like clicking the Snooze button.

Signed,

AT (who woke up 2 hours late)